Jokel: You just could no ret me go, courd you? This is what happens when unstoppable folce meet immovaberr object. You tlury incorruptiberr? You no kirr me out of mispraced sense of serf-lighteousness, and I no kirr you, because you is supell funtime. I think you and I all destined to do this follever.

Batmalard: You’ll be in a padded cell forever. A CELL PADDED WITH THE INNARDS OF LASERFACE VICTIMS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Jokel: Maybe we sharl padded cerr. We doubre up the late this city’s inhabitants rosing they-ll minds.

Batmalard: I can’t understand what you’re saying Charlie Chan the wide receiver. Maybe if you could go and get fucked in American, like we speak in this country, people would respect you better.

Tell my groin it’s going to be okay. Lie! Like I did!

The night is darkest just before I limp off the field nursing an injury I could play through. And I promise you, the limping is coming.

You thought we could be decent running backs with an indecent ability. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and my diminutive backup is the clear superior. No matter how much lean meat protein I take in.

James Norvon Jr.: Why’s Batmalard running, coach?

Lt. James Norvon: Because James Harrison has to chase him.

James Norvon Jr.: He didn’t do anything wrong.

Lt. James Norvon: Because he’s the hero the NFL deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So Silverback will hunt him. Because he can take it. And because he can float the ball out of bounds or spike it at running backs’ feet. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a brash, shit-talking guardian, a watchful protector. A douche knight.

The specific and the abstract stare each other down, with former Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengal head coach and stadium namesake Paul Brown taking on a Texan, circa 1836-1845, when it was still a rugged frontier rather than a sprawling wasteland of high school football obsessed fat people.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. Paul Brown won with slightly over 50 percent of the vote, by a total margin of 12 votes, 718-706.

I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!

Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.

But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.

I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.

So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.

Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!

-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy

-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches

-Instead of pads, old gym mats

-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful

-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee

-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.

-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth

-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter’s house

-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms

-Ball made out of discarded foreskin

-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long

-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King’s santorum-leaking colon

-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass

-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford

-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos

-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned

-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag

-MRI’s replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick

-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel

-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career

-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff

-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves

-Planting a tree worth 9 points

-Hire Indonesia Tree Man to anchor Texans’ o-line

-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight

-Two words: Cleveland Greens

-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it’s not lead-based

-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel

-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes

-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group

-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot

-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet

-Goodell replaced with Lorax

-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks

-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons

-Team planes replaced by Hannibal’s elephants

-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs

-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%

-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting

-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons

-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials

-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string

-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense

-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions

-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost

-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids

-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free

-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife

-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game

-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%

-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell

I hope you’re listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don’t let us down. This is our home. It’s all we’ve got. Let’s protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.

Today is Day Three of Unsilent “If the Colts lose two in a row I’ll give up masturbation for a month” Majority’s attempt to go a month without masturbating, and we’re eager to catalogue his adventure. You know, for posterior. Er, posterity.

Being the good friend that I am, I checked up on ol’ Maj today.

Me: Hey Maj, how you holdin’ up? I masturbated AND had sex yesterday, and I’m already kinda horny again. I don’t know how you’re doing it.
Maj: die

I’d say he’s doing pretty well, all things considered. Just four more weeks to go!

The rest of us in the Gay Mafia have been wondering what might be kicking around in UM’s fantasies, and we enlisted the help of fifth Beatle Dan V. to bring some ideas to life. For example, here’s pre-preggers Halle Berry with preggers Halle Berry’s cleavage:

Alicia Keys with a crop of green to be smoked:

Maj also harbored countless schoolboy fantasies about the Baroness from G.i Joe. Just imagine if she took the Redskins’ coaching woes into her own hands:

Former Cowboys cheerleader and occasional sex scene star Sarah Shahi sports some vintage Air Jordans:

And finally…

Our collective imagination is not only exceptionally twisted, it’s also terrifyingly accurate. Good luck holding out, Maj. Stay strong.

Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is actress and Dane Cook foil Jessica Alba. Jessica, what do YOU think of KSK?

“Omigod, I love KSK! I love funny things! Lots of people think I’m just a pretty face with an impossible body and flawless complexion, but I’ve got a real sense of humor! I love doing comedy and looking silly! Like, I heard this one joke yesterday. Oh my God, it was SO funny! It made me laugh SO HARD! Ha ha ha! I don’t remember what it was.”

Thanks, Jessica! Stay tuned for more endorsements from vapid, smoking-hot actresses all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in the process of assigning yourself a new gender!

And… that’ll be all for the Sex Cannon. It made sense to lionize our friend Rex Grossman back when he threw up the occasional 3 TD game. Unfortunately Sexy Rexy is, in reality, just another shit QB. So take care, Cumslinger. It was fun while it lasted. But I think we’re all looking for something a bit more stable now.

But could there be another potential Sex Cannon on the Bears roster?

Well, I’ll be damned.

FOXBORO, Mass. — New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today defended his controversial warrantless wiretapping program in a combative press conference, calling the practice “an essential tool in the war on other teams.”

“Those who would criticize this program simply fail to understand the state of the league as it exists today,” Belichick said, following six minutes of inscrutable mumbling. “There are teams out there that hate our way of life, our way of winning and are bent on defeating us. We must take any and all measures to avoid that outcome.”

Privacy experts and league officials have decried the practice as an unlawful invasion of personal rights. New York Jets rookie cornerback Darrelle Revis said, “This is a disgusting, unconstitutional act that borders on the Orwellian.” He then added, “Fuck.”

Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that Belichick violated league policy when he authorized the FBI to tap the phones of the coaches of the other 31 NFL teams, as well as a few married women he was creeping with. The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.

Goodell said the Patriots could be fined multiple draft picks, likely a total cop-out with all the picks coming in the second day of the draft, as well as docking Patriots quarterback Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off. The Patriots immediately appealed the ruling and Brady pumped his fist menacingly in the direction of Goodell.

“The last thing this league needs is an activist commissioner trying to legislate from his cushy Manhattan office,” Belichick bristled. “If we are to maintain stability in this sport, it is imperative that the New England Patriots maintain its status as the lone power atop the NFL. If not, upstart teams like the Jets could plunge the league into chaos and we could find ourselves in a world where we wouldn’t know who would win the Super Bowl before the season even started.”

Photoshop courtesy Dan. V.

Reader and Photoshop wizard Dan V. has unearthed these heretofore unseen photos of notable NFL QB’s from last month’s GQ photo spread. Enjoy.

Thus far, the KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $400 for disabled veterans and their families. Not bad for a piddly shit site like ours. You can donate directly to FH here.

I went to the Steelers/Redskins game Saturday with the D.C. contingent of that disparate collective that is Steelers fandom at the fetid and unwieldly hovel that is FedEx Field. Despite having our group mooned by a ‘Skins fan in a Randle El jersey, being feet away from two ‘Skins fans getting into a fist fight and still not getting ejected (said another of the Raljon, Md. faithful: “We just like to scrap.”) we lucked out that we didn’t have to deal with the Dead Tree Crew and, even more fortuitously, we didn’t see Steely motherfucking McBeam.

We would have torn him to yellow, simpering ribbons.

KSK Photoshoppeur Dan V. apparently finds amusement rather than thoughts of malevolence in the five o’clock shadowy, swishy figure that is Steely. In a series of pics that’s bound to ruin my season unless the Steelers win the Super Bowl, he draws back the sallow, lacy curtain on the seedy doings of Mr. McBeam.

Did you know that Steely is Karl Rove’s father?

This offseason was much more pleasant when its gayest subplot was Brady Quinn being pictured in the most compromising ways imaginable. It seems these actions only served to sow the seeds of Steely. You’ve inspired a monster, Brady.

It’s a contagion that’s sweeping the AFC North entire, even causing sworn enemies to act out in bizarre, unsettling ways.

Oh. God. No.