Another week, and another demoralizing loss for the Redskins. As if things weren’t quite bad enough the team will now have to do without Clinton Portis for a while after the running back sustained a concussion in Sunday’s loss to the Falcons. But fear not, Redskins fans, because Danny and the Sarge (pictured above looking like assholes) know how to keep the offense running smoothly in Portis’ absence.

If you think their plan has anything to do with leaning heavily on the perfectly capable legs of Ladell Betts (93 yards and a touchdown on 16 touches in relief of Portis) then you obviously aren’t all that familiar with the brain-trust at Redskins Park.

/chokes on half-smoke

Damn, they managed to catch me off guard with that one. After all this time you’d think that nothing coming out of Ashburn could possibly surprise me, then they go and admit to something like this.

Let me be perfectly clear, the Redskins have NOTHING to gain by signing a malcontent prick halfway through the season. Especially one who averages 2.7 yards per carry. The man carries the football the way DeAngelo Hall tackles people (a hug is not a tackle!). And really, even if they were looking at the 2006 Larry Johnson, what is the fucking point? Do they think that this season is somehow salvageable? Do they think that running back depth is the real problem? DO THEY REALIZE THAT LEVI JONES IS THEIR STARTING LEFT TACKLE?

Dan Snyder, you need to break this shit down. Break it down to the foundation, then grab a jackhammer and a backhoe and go deeper. Then when you have a nice big hole, throw Vinny Cerrato in it and hire an actual GM to come in and start rebuilding the foundation (that way Vinny can still feel like he’s a part of things). Redskins fans won’t even care if the team goes 4-12 next year as long as you lose Vinny, ignore free agency, load up on draft picks, and use said picks on guys who play any position other than wide receiver, tight end, defensive back, running back, or quarterbacks (at least during the first day).

Update: ESPN 980 reports that a Gibbs return is unlikely.

Yesterday Drew wrote a particularly satisfying rant on the topic of Dan Snyder’s inability to run a football team. While I didn’t agree with all of Drew’s points, most of his criticisms hit home for me and many other distressed Washingtonians. Of course not every Redskins fan agreed with Drew’s contentions.

Chris Chase is a writer for Yahoo! Sports who also maintains his own blog, The Player Hater’s Ball. It was there that Chase wrote his response to Drew’s rant. The post includes several questionable defenses of his personnel and front office decisions. So questionable that I felt some FJM style was warranted.

Note: In his defense, Chase (who is a perfectly nice person) tells me he wrote this post in the middle of the night after a few drinks, although he does stand by his assertion that Snyder is not as bad as owners like Bill Bidwell.

Briefly, the post says that the Redskins are the most hopeless franchise in the world because Dan Snyder is incompetant and shows a complete lack of self-awarness. I’ll agree with the first part and vigorously contend with the second. I think Snyder knows exactly what people think of him…

Knowing that people hate you and being self-aware are not the same thing.

…which is why he doesn’t do many interviews, hates the Washington Post and travels with multiple bodyguards to games.

None of which indicates that he’s the least bit self-aware. If he was self-aware he’d be more interested in why the team’s fans hate him so much, and possibly even make an attempt to rectify his behavior.

The analogy of Snyder to an out-of-touch fantasy owner was solid, and parts of the piece were spot-on and amusing, but there’s one huge thing missing from the rant: Most of Snyder’s delusion is fed by the very fans and media who are supposedly telling him he sucks.

There’s no “supposedly” about it, fans and the media waste few opportunities to express just how much he sucks. It’s pretty much our favorite thing to talk about at this point.

Every March most people affirm Snyder’s moves by getting excited about the team because of the free agent signings or draft pick the Skins get.

Of course we get excited about the roster, we’re fucking Redskins fans! That means we’re constantly deluding ourselves into believing that the team is one move away from overcoming our owner’s incompetence.

Haynesworth: People loved.

Pretty much every conversation about the Haynesworth signing went exactly like this…

“It sure is great that the team signed one of the best players in the league, but man, that’s a SHITLOAD of money to give a guy who misses a handful of games every damn year. He’s bound to get complacent, right?”

Pure, unadulterated love.

Drafting Laron Landry: people loved.

True.

Dabbling with Mark Sanchez: You’re telling me the fools who have been booing all season wouldn’t rather have Manchez at the helm?

They would, but that’s not to say Snyder and Cerrato weren’t criticized heavily by fans and the media (Snyder’s own radio station included) for openly gushing over Sanchez, because they were.

Picking “can’t miss” receivers in the second round: some people loved.

Really? Name one. Who was the one asshole who thought it would be a great idea to draft THREE receivers (two wide receivers and a pass-catching tight end) in the second round of the ‘08 draft. Because from what I remember people were screaming “DRAFT LINEMEN” from the fucking rooftops.

Hell, most liked the Adam Archuleta signing.

I think “liked” is too strong a word. How about, “most people didn’t want to kill themselves immediately after hearing that the Redskins let Gregg Williams bring in a safety who couldn’t cover anybody because they thought he’d at least be serviceable against the run.” Yeah, that’s probably more accurate.

EVERYONE loved Snyder getting Deion and Bruce Smith and Marc Carrier and Jeff George.

The ‘Skins were called “offseason champs”.

Sarcastically.

Is that a badge of honor?

No, it’s sarcasm.

No, but it’s a sign the team is a lot less hopeless than this piece suggests. It’s a sign that, at some points, people think the Redskins are doing OK.

No, it’s a sign that people were gently mocking the NFL’s brash young owner who foolishly thought he could use free agency as a shortcut to building a Super Bowl contender. You know, the kind of thing he continued to do for the next decade.

And why has Snyder learned nothing from his experiences?

Because he lacks self awareness?

He no longer brings in massive free agent hauls.

He gave Albert Haynesworth the most guaranteed money in NFL history.

He likes stability in his front office.

He likes keeping under-qualified yes men on hand to carry out bidding.

He didn’t go for the splashy hire.

Because they rejected his advances. Instead he went with the guy he’d just hired to serve as offensive coordinator. Weird how highly sought after coaches wouldn’t want to work for an ego-maniacal owner who already hired offensive and defensive coordinators.

But at least they showed signs of growth.

Towards what?

This isn’t a defense of Snyder…

Except when it is.

…(and forget about Cerrato, I’m beginning to think he has no actual power and is just a puppet)…

Beginning to think? BEGINNING?!

/rubs temples

Update: Chase responds to my selective quoting.

With no further adieu, on to the picks!

Minnesota -10 at St. Louis

The Rams aren’t bad, they’re fucking abysmal. Minnesota is due to deliver an efficient ass kicking.

Kansas City +9 vs. Dallas

The Cowboys are not a good football team. The only reason they’ve covered once in their last three is because Jake Delhomme is retarded.

Atlanta +3 at San Francisco

Those are three crucial points in such a close match-up.

Indianapolis -4 at Tennessee

Wait, what? Tennessee is crap. They aren’t going to suddenly bounce back to form because they’re playing at home on national television against a division rival. They’re going to get fucked in the ass by a man with a fetus for a head.

Enjoy the games, and if you see Dan Snyder be sure to tell him that he sucks.

Image via Flickr

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Jason Campbell — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?

[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez's facial features with his hands]

Cerrato: He’s real.

[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]

Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.

Sanchez: That sounds…cool.

[A waitress approaches]

Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?

Zorn: Beer.

Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.

Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.

Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.

Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.

Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes

Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.

Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.

Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.

Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!

Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.

Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.

Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.

Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.

Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.

Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.

[The waitress sets down everyone's drinks]

Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?

Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.

Sanchez: Uh…thank you?

[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]

Fan: HEY COOCH, WHAT’RE YA DOIN HERE WITH THAT QUARTEEBACK FROM USC? WE’VE ALREADY GOT A QUARTEEBACK COOCH, YA GOTTA GIVE COOOLT A SHOT. HE’S A CORE REDSKIN!

Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?

Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?

Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.

Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.

Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!

Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.

Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.

Snyder: Very good, Vinny.

[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]

Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.

Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.

Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.

[Silence]

Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?

Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.

Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.

Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.

Zorn: What?

Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.

Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]

Zorn: This is ridiculous.

Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.

Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.

Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?

Vinny: [Swallows more ice]

I’m sorry, but my only feelings on the potential trade involving Jay Cutler, Jason Cambpell, and a first round pick or three can only be articulated after the jump.

Dear god, somebody barricade Dan Snyder and Vinny “Sarge” Cerrato in a fucking mineshaft until Jay Cutler is off the trade market. The idea of giving up on Jason Campbell and trading away a first round pick for this Vanderbitch is enough to make me stab a Ravens fan and/or a hobo. Granted, Campbell isn’t one of the league’s elite quarterbacks at this point (and he may never be), but giving up on him now after all the time they’ve put in to making this work is exactly the kind of shit that makes everybody hate this front office.

Instead of going after a bitchass quarterback these assholes need to just calm the fuck down and draft a lineman. It might not be fun, and the press conference might be sparsely attended, but NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS! For the love of God, for once please just make a sound football decision and use the pick to add some depth to the offensive or defensive line (your pick!)

/dick joke

“When you look directly at an insane man all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he’s insane, which is not to see him at all. To see him you must see what he saw and when you are trying to see the vision of an insane man, an oblique route is the only way to come at it. Otherwise your own opinions block the way…”

Bad MS Paint courtesy of Flubby, with a little help from magic.
Video via FanHouse