As you may have heard, Dan Snyder finally dropped his ridiculous lawsuit against Dave McKenna and Washington City Paper after admitting that he’d never actually read the article in question. The story probably would have been buried a bit in the wake of today’s game, but now we have a whole new thing to talk about. And it’s all thanks to Mike Wise.

This morning’s Washington Post features a column that details the courting process between the Washington Redskins and the Shanahan clan. It’s a fantastic piece that I will quote from at length after the jump, but I urge you to click through for the whole thing.

Trudging down the stairwell of one of his private planes in the hangar of the Dulles Jet Center, burgundy-and-gold striped necktie askew, he mouthed an expletive passengers behind him could clearly hear. In that moment, hours after the Redskins had lost to the lowly Lions — the worst team in pro football — in Detroit, Snyder resembled less of an NFL owner than an exasperated day trader.

Turn those machines back on!

While watching NBC’s “Sunday Night Football” game between the Arizona Cardinals and Indianapolis Colts, the four men drank glasses of Sassicaia, a bold Tuscan red that is a Snyder favorite, those who were present said.

Drowning your sorrows in a wildly expensive Super Tuscan? Must have been a tough day.

They added that Snyder eventually graduated to Crown Royal.

How do you go from drinking a world class Italian wine to pounding the official hard liquor of the Dead Tree Crew?

Finally, Snyder turned to the others. “Let’s go get Mike Shanahan,” he said.

It’s even more fun when you imagine him slurring his words like a 13 year-old at a Bar Mitzvah.

Within minutes of Snyder’s request at the airport hangar, calls began flying back and forth between representatives of the Redskins owner and Shanahan. About two hours later, Shanahan had agreed to meet with the Redskins’ brain trust — but when?

After you fire Jim Zorn?

“Let’s not wait for him to change his mind,” Snyder said, those who were present recalled. “Let’s go now.”

Or not. You’re the boss, Mr. Crown Royal.

Snyder’s confidantes still marvel at the impulsive decision, yet they say it encapsulated the way in which they often did business.

Drunkenly.

“A lot of calls, a lot of booze that night,” one participant said. “We were just like four college roommates drowning their sorrows with alcohol after our team lost. The difference was, one of our college buddies was the owner of the team. And he called an ex-coach to make him feel better.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zorn and Portis had clashed repeatedly during the [2008] season, but as the Redskins prepared to play the San Francisco 49ers on the final day of the season, Snyder received a call from Portis’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus. He was told Portis would no longer play for the Redskins if Zorn wasn’t fired, according to Snyder’s close associates.

Portis would go on to rush for 494 yards in 2009.

Zorn and Portis had exchanged words in practice that week when Portis refused Zorn’s request that the running back take his hands out of his pocket during a drill.

This is the best reason a player has ever had for trying to get his coach fired in the history of professional football.

Fed up, Snyder got off the phone call from Rosenhaus and told Cerrato: “Vinny, you handle this. Fix it. Tonight.”

This is exactly how I always pictured the organization working. A player bitches to his agent, who bitches to Snyder, who summons Sergeant Antonelli to browbeat the coach they no business hiring in the first place.

“Vinny kept telling Jim to apologize,” Smith said in a telephone interview. “And Jim was like: ‘For what? I just wanted him to take his hands out of his pocket.’ ”

SHUT UP AND DO AS YOU’RE TOLD.

[Snyder] arranged to have his plane pick up Mike and his son, Kyle, in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where the Shanahan family was spending its annual vacation, and bring them to Los Angeles.

I only interrupt this portion to remind you that Kyle was still very much under contract for the Houston Texans.

Snyder was in Los Angeles to attend the Golden Globe Awards, which the Snyder-owned Dick Clark Productions were contracted to put on.

Not terribly relevant, just a reminder that Snyder is involved in a few other beleaguered franchises.

Zorn managed to survive that offseason largely because of an internal discussion at Redskins Park that centered on one question: What would the public reaction be if Snyder were to jettison another coach, his sixth in less than 10 seasons, not to mention one who just finished 8-8?

This confirms every suspicion we’ve ever had here in DC. Not only is Dan Snyder a bad owner, he’s a bad owner who surrounds himself with terrible advisers.

The basement of Shanahan’s home included a bowling alley and lounge, a poker room, a video-golf room, a racquetball court, a shuffleboard table and four bedrooms.

New rule: If you have an entire room in your 35,000 square foot home dedicated to Golden Tee, you don’t need Dan Snyder’s money.

All told, there were six fireplaces, a six-car garage, a pool, waterfall, two bridges and two guesthouses. “You’d never seen anything so big,” said one of his guests, who had been to Snyder’s French chateau-style estate in Potomac many times.

It was like shoving the world’s most beautiful business card in Patrick Bateman’s face.

The next morning, everyone got up about 7:30. Peggy Shanahan, Mike’s wife, went out and bought breakfast burritos for the group, one of the participants remembered.

Oh, do you not have a personal chef? If you come coach the Redskins you can have one of mine.

“It wasn’t, ‘When can you start? How much is it going to cost?’ It was more, ‘What do you think? Can Zorn do it? Would you do it?’ ” one of those present recalled.

Also, when can you start and how much is it going to cost?

The five men sent out for sandwiches at a local deli for lunch before Snyder and his party left Denver

Seriously, you’re living like animals out here. Back at the Chateau I have one guy whose job it is to man my panini press. I’ve never even had one of them.

After the tail of the Redskins plane was spotted at the Denver airport, there was immediate speculation about a secret meeting between Snyder and Shanahan.

I told you we should have taken the invisible plane.

The Redskins put out a story saying the plane was on loan to a private company, and that Snyder was not on it.

That’s all it took?

“Everybody bought it,” one of the participants said. “I still remember [Sports Illustrated’s] Peter King calling Vinny on his cellphone, telling Vinny he knows we’re in Denver. Vinny says, ‘Peter, we’re not in Denver. We’re at Redskins Park right now. Go look in the parking lot. All our cars are there.’ And I hear Peter on the other end say, ‘Oh yeah, I didn’t think you guys would be so [expletive] obvious.’ And he hung up.”

Hitler: Invading Czechoslovakia? Nein, nein. We are in Austria.

King: Figures. [hangs up, watches baseball]

As Shanahan and Sandy Montag, his agent, were preparing to leave Snyder’s house on the way to his introductory news conference, they saw an assortment of 10 burgundy-and-gold ties arrayed on a table beside the front door. Snyder explained to his new coach that not just any burgundy would do. “There’s a Redskin burgundy,” Snyder told him, dead serious, “and you gotta make sure it’s right.”

If only he’d displayed that kind of selectivity when hiring Jim Zorn to lead his $1.3 billion enterprise.

Your late games, in order of watchability…

San Diego vs. Minnesota

Washington vs. New York Giants

San Francisco vs. Seattle

Arizona vs. Carolina

Enjoy.

1. Regarding the “anti-semitic” image accompanying the famous City Paper piece that helped spurn the lawsuit, “It’s not nice.”

2. He never actually read the article itself.

3. The visitor’s owners box at many stadiums are “quite high up.” Does Peter King know about this? [NYT Mag]

“It’s all in the game, though, right?”

The Washington Post‘s resident Dithering Dairy Nebbish Dan Steinberg has been subpoenaed as part of Dan Snyder’s campaign against the media’s heinous tendency toward afflicting the comforted and vice versa. This all because Steinz had the gall to link to Dave McKenna’s now-infamous list of reasons why Snyder is, if I may paraphrase, a gigatwat. Not that Snyder himself has done more to publicize the piece more than a million D.C. Sports Bog links ever could. Anyway, according to my interpretation of court papers (POSSIBLY MADE FROM TREES CUT TO CLEAR A VIEW OF THE POTOMAC RIVER – WE’LL NEVER KNOW!) sent from Snyder to WaPo, I believe the Redskins owner wishes to ascertain the truth as to whether Snyder and McKenna are, in fact, a Leopold and Loeb-like tandem of killers who wish to target only NFL owners possessing a height of 4′ 8″ or shorter.

Let us be the first to clear the air. Steinberg and McKenna are not “in league” with one another. They fell prey, as many in the media often do, to our habit of trapping them in a bedroom and flipping the light switch on and off while shouting “DAN SNYDER FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT”

Artist rendering

So, you see, all this Snyder-bashing is completely the fault of the folks here at KSK. Unless you wish to pursue legal action, in which case, this is just a stupid post written by a raving insensate derelict and completely devoid of merit, which isn’t really that far from the truth. Plus, it’s all cool because we’re a satire site. If Snyder’s journo pappy caught him up sufficiently on libel law, Danny should know that as a public figure that he’s fair game to unbelievably cruel ridicule as long as we don’t present it as the truth. Ipso fucko.

[Re-reads handy satire libel checklist before posting]
[Changes all references to Sam Blyder]

Dan Snyder wrote an op-ed for his most favoritest paper in town, the Washington Post. It’s a fun update on his lawsuit against Washington City Paper, the local alt-weekly that nobody paid attention to until three months ago. It’s dumb.

I expect to be criticized once again for pursuing this lawsuit. I originally filed it for one reason:

[image of below average male genitalia]

The paper refused to issue an apology and retract false and damaging attacks on my integrity.

Oh come on, that’s satire.

If it had done so, there would have been no lawsuit.

Okay, I’m sorry. Just don’t tell Jarret and Brian. Talib mentioned them on Gutter Rainbows. That’s crazy!

For more than eight months, the same writer at this tabloid blogged or wrote about me.

Are you not impressed with my newsworthiness?

The reporters of The Post and other papers know that my communications adviser, Tony Wyllie, is available 24-7 to respond to questions about me and the Washington Redskins.

So enamored with Vinny Cerrato was Snyder that he replaced his former sidekick with two men, Wyllie and GM Bruce Allen. Wyllie appears to be the right-hand man and future reluctant radio show host, while Allen is the franchise’s mouthpiece and eventual fall-guy.

This writer, however, chose not to call to check the facts before he wrote an article last November that contained so many false assertions.

Of which Snyder rebuts exactly one. Sort of.

I am the son of a University of Missouri School of Journalism graduate whose professional pedigree includes working at United Press International and National Geographic.

Journalism courses through his veins. His plasma is rich in both platelets and integrity.

I am not thin-skinned about personal criticism.

I consider myself very fortunate to own the Redskins.

@JohnKentCooke

I have never sued people who publish critical opinions of me, nor have I previously sued any news organization.

If you can’t sue ‘em, buy ‘em.

I understand the anger people feel toward me when the Redskins have a losing season or when we sign a veteran player who does not meet expectations.

Or when we forbid you to bring signs in to the hellscape that is our stadium. Or when we go in to the draft with holes at all but two positions without third or fourth round draft picks.

Seriously, how does this keep happening? People are starting to ask questions.

1. Not enough.
2. Who cares? Most of the good players are staying in school because you’re a selfish asshole, Harrison Barnes.
3. So many.

I have been a Redskins fan all my life, and I get angry, too, including at myself.

He has the scars on his inner thigh to show for it.

I am the first to admit that I’ve made mistakes as an owner.

Technically speaking you’re more like #2,498,074.

I hope I’ve learned from them.

And yet, this lawsuit.

All I want is for the Redskins to win!

Snyder’s exclamation marks are like creepy smiles.

I honor vigorous free expression in the media.

Pre-approved free expression, preferably.

But even a public figure can sue for defamation when a tabloid paper publishes a harmful assertion of a fact, not an opinion, that it knows to be false or recklessly disregards the truth.

I hope Dan Snyder’s lawyer’s dad went to a really good law school, because proving what Dave McKenna knew to be false is going to be a tough motherfucker.

[...nonsense that will be bandied about in court]

Let’s be clear what this lawsuit is not about.

The high road.

It is not about money.

/rubs thumb on forefinger

I have already publicly committed to donate any financial damages I win to help the homeless.

Free Johnny Rockets for all of you! You’re already loitering outside, you may as well come in and make us look busy.

Potential guests on the Tony Kornheiser Show beware, you are not to speak ill of Dan Snyder on Mr. Tony’s airwaves. And if you’re thinking it’s because Dan Snyder owns the radio station you’d be totally wrong. Because according to John Feinstein (friend of Tony and basher of Danny) it has nothing to do with business and everything to do with friendship.

Tony Kornheiser has specifically asked me not to bring up Dan Snyder on his show. I feel queasy about this but Tony’s my friend and it is his show. It isn’t as if there aren’t plenty of other forums for me to talk about Snyder and Snyder is one of those guys Tony simply isn’t going to go after–not because he’s paid by him but because he likes him.

DAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW, that’s sweet. It also explains why Tony’s show hasn’t gone into much detail on the Dan Snyder vs. Washington City Paper lawsuit (as pointed out by Dan Steinberg) that has captivated every other local media outlet. I don’t know how far back the friendship goes, but I am pretty sure that they’ve been able to bond over their mutual disdain for City Paper’s Dave McKenna.

So what we know is that Tony doesn’t like anyone bad-mouthing his friends on his time, regardless of their crimes against a once proud franchise. Unless of course you want to call up and make fun of John “Junior” Feinstein. I’m pretty sure that’s still fair game.

An ESPN camera crew wandered through Media Day asking Steelers players to recite the lyrics to the omnipresent Steelers anthem, Wiz Khalifa’s “Black & Yellow.” As expected, they have a little difficulty once they get out of the refrain. Antonio Brown in particular seems like a fan of awkward trailing off in rap lyrics.

Dan Snyder is threatening to sue Washington City Paper unless the weekly fires long-time Snyder basher Dave McKenna for a November feature McKenna wrote enumerating the litany of reasons why people should hate the Redskins owner.

To prevent similar legal action being taken against KSK, we’re prepared to offer the following apologies to Snyder:

- We apologize for alleging that Dan Snyder orchestrated the Tunguska event to improve the view on his property.

- We apologize for alleging that Dan Snyder instituted $25 “concessions mandate” for all season ticket holders.

- We apologize for alleging that Dan Snyder actually paid a lot for that muffler in 2001.

- We apologize for the fact that Napoleon couldn’t have produced a less obnoxious complex.

- We apologize for saying Kindergarten Ninja should have won an Oscar. It should have won 12 Oscars.

- We apologize for allowing Unsilent Majority’s two years of brazen overhype to shame Brandon Lloyd into underperforming.

- And most of all, we’re sorry you’re a little bitch.

Friend-of-the-blog Kevin Blackistone sadly joins the media chorus of Super Bowl weather whining. I’ll be sure to raise this complaint when I guest lecture at his University of Maryland journalism class later this month, during which I explain the finer points of going broke, blogger-style.
]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/02/ksk-kontent-klearinghouse-numma-numma-numma-numma.html/feed 49 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/11/terry-bradshaw-likes-em-young-and-cancerous.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/11/terry-bradshaw-likes-em-young-and-cancerous.html#comments Mon, 15 Nov 2010 20:52:01 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=31607

A reader sent in this incredibly misleading but hilarious still from a commercial that Fox ran for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital yesterday following the Giants/Cowboys Blackout Bowl I. Now my grasp of theology isn’t the strongest, but I could have assumed Jude was the patron saint of lost causes, not the patron saint of creepy bald Cajun guys peering lustily at children from afar. I assume that fell under the purview of St. Carville.

More zaniness after the jump.

Here’s a gif image I put together of Peyton Manning from yesterday for no other reason than it amused me more than it should have. It Peyton simply making yet another ridiculous signal at the line? Showing you his helmet can withstand repeated taps without significant damage? Or worse still, spastically taunting you for not studying 3,000 hours of tape last week that he surely did.

The Redskins have reportedly given Donovan McNabb a five-year extension worth $78 million, with $40 mil guaranteed.

Ha.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.


“It’s okay, guys. The franchise is still doomed for years to come, but your womenfolk will be sufficiently adorned in branded apparel specifically targeted to them! Also, unbranded apparel is now banned from FedEx Field.”

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/11/terry-bradshaw-likes-em-young-and-cancerous.html/feed 30 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/07/27700.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/07/27700.html#comments Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:03:27 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=27700 “Children are so fat these days! Can’t we make money off of that?” Ten years ago Dan Snyder appeared alongside Mark Cuban on PBS’s CEO Exchange (which unfortunately was not an early precursor to ABC’s Wife Swap). The program was recently repackaged and released on DVD as “Major League Entrepreneurs,” a documentary about the owner’s business success. So how did Snyder get so fabulously wealthy? Through hard work, good timing, and an ability to target developing market niches like diabetics and cancer patients. Hey, somebody is going to make money off of those sickies, why let the pharmaceutical companies have all the fun? [SB Nation DC and City Desk]

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/07/27700.html/feed 8 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/05/dan-snyder-could-take-the-fun-out-of-functional-alcoholic.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/05/dan-snyder-could-take-the-fun-out-of-functional-alcoholic.html#comments Wed, 05 May 2010 15:40:39 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=26524 Christ, what an asshole.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder is a prick. It’s something that football fans have known for quite some time, thanks in part to the countless articles detailing his alienation of his team’s fan base. But Snyder is nothing if not ambitious, so eventually he expanded his empire of assholery into the worlds of media and amusement. It hasn’t gone well.

I direct your attention to two articles that have been published this week, one by legendary Snyder critic Dave McKenna at Slate and one by Howard Kurtz of the Post. First let’s focus on McKenna, who takes an in-depth look at exactly how Snyder managed to cripple the beloved amusement park chain Six Flags.

Snyder was removed as chairman of the theme park chain’s board of directors late last week as part of a settlement in Delaware bankruptcy court. Six Flags went Chapter 11 last June after about four years under Snyder.

How do you bring a business like Six Flags to the brink of collapse in four years? Was he trading his best rollercoaster designers to other amusement parks for their old beaten-down rides?

The Redskins owner gained control of Six Flags by leading a stockholder coup.

In October 2005, he addressed a letter, along with former ESPN executive Mark Shapiro and Redskins co-owner Dwight Schar, to “Fellow Stockholder[s].” That letter, filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, blasted the abilities of then-reigning board Chairman Kieran Burke and declared that folks would have “done better by hiding their money under a mattress” than investing in Six Flags under Burke.

Whereas under Snyder they effectively hid their money under a kerosene soaked mattress within inches of an open flame.

As Snyder was putting his plan in place, and adding big names like Jack Kemp and Harvey Weinstein to his board of directors, Six Flags stock sold for $11.93 a share. Snyder controlled 10,921,300 shares at the time, according to SEC filings, making his Six Flags holdings worth more than $130 million.

Why that’s enough money for four signing bonuses!

As of last week’s settlement, those shares are essentially worthless—SIXFQ was trading at 1.7 cents this morning, and it’s trending toward zero.

Goldman Sachs calls it a strong buy.

…Snyder inflated the parking rates at Six Flags lots all over the country.

And why shouldn’t he? It’s worked so well in the past, and American families have far too much disposable income these days.

The inflation was a boon to owners of retail and storage businesses near Six Flags New England in Agawam, Mass., which began offering spots on their property for $10—the rate charged by Six Flags before Snyder jacked the cost of parking to as high as $30.

If Snyder owned those retail and storage businesses he would have charged $29. Stupid bumpkins, neglecting to squeeze out every last drop.

[CEO Mark] Shapiro testified at a public hearing that it was unsafe for pedestrians to walk to Six Flags from anywhere but its own lots. The local politicians banned the satellite lots after Shapiro’s appearance.

Of course the whole argument was total bunk (and familiar bunk at that), so the ruling was overturned unanimously.

There is so much more to this story, so please go read the whole thing. Otherwise you’ll miss the details of how Snyder basically used Six Flags as a conduit to funnel money into his other business concerns, like the similarly floundering Johnny Rockets franchise.

In the last decade Snyder has managed to take the fun out of a beloved professional football franchise, the nation’s largest chain of amusement parks, and faux-nostalgic burger joint modeled after a true American institution. Pretty impressive. But could he ever ruin a feel-good reunion between a marine and his cheerleading wife? Let’s go to the Post!

But because Lt. Denver Edick’s wife is a cheerleader for the Washington Redskins, the easy score turned into a turf battle in which ABC, the network that pitched the idea, wound up barred from FedEx Field, while the team handed the ball to the NBC station in town, which happens to be its broadcast partner.

Well yes, that certainly is a dick move by the franchise, but it doesn’t totally ruin an otherwise nice story. Yet.

A news executive involved in the discussions says a Redskins official told him that if Kristin Edick talked to anyone from WJLA, the ABC affiliate, she would be dismissed from her cheerleader’s job.

There it is!

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/05/dan-snyder-could-take-the-fun-out-of-functional-alcoholic.html/feed 59 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/11/no-need-to-worry-the-brass-has-an-idea.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/11/no-need-to-worry-the-brass-has-an-idea.html#comments Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:08:33 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=21133

Another week, and another demoralizing loss for the Redskins. As if things weren’t quite bad enough the team will now have to do without Clinton Portis for a while after the running back sustained a concussion in Sunday’s loss to the Falcons. But fear not, Redskins fans, because Danny and the Sarge (pictured above looking like assholes) know how to keep the offense running smoothly in Portis’ absence.

If you think their plan has anything to do with leaning heavily on the perfectly capable legs of Ladell Betts (93 yards and a touchdown on 16 touches in relief of Portis) then you obviously aren’t all that familiar with the brain-trust at Redskins Park.

/chokes on half-smoke

Damn, they managed to catch me off guard with that one. After all this time you’d think that nothing coming out of Ashburn could possibly surprise me, then they go and admit to something like this.

Let me be perfectly clear, the Redskins have NOTHING to gain by signing a malcontent prick halfway through the season. Especially one who averages 2.7 yards per carry. The man carries the football the way DeAngelo Hall tackles people (a hug is not a tackle!). And really, even if they were looking at the 2006 Larry Johnson, what is the fucking point? Do they think that this season is somehow salvageable? Do they think that running back depth is the real problem? DO THEY REALIZE THAT LEVI JONES IS THEIR STARTING LEFT TACKLE?

Dan Snyder, you need to break this shit down. Break it down to the foundation, then grab a jackhammer and a backhoe and go deeper. Then when you have a nice big hole, throw Vinny Cerrato in it and hire an actual GM to come in and start rebuilding the foundation (that way Vinny can still feel like he’s a part of things). Redskins fans won’t even care if the team goes 4-12 next year as long as you lose Vinny, ignore free agency, load up on draft picks, and use said picks on guys who play any position other than wide receiver, tight end, defensive back, running back, or quarterbacks (at least during the first day).

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