Dan Snyder: Greetings, subjects. Welcome to the Bi-Weekly Officially Licensed Redskins Leadership Communique, sponsored by Freecreditreport.com.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Have the Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations been to your liking?

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: That is welcome news. Some of my advisers cautioned that downgrading to Grade Q meats would cause undue food poisoning. So I had their voice boxes removed.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: First item: Non-Designated Color Attire is hereby banned from all Officially Licensed Public Redskins Outdoor Settings. Failure to act in compliance with this regulation – one that has always been in place despite what you may have heard or experienced previously – will result in penalty of death. Retroactive violations of this always existing rule – those will result in death. Those who do not report observing others trying to violate this rule – death!

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Second item: All persons currently using Officially Authenticated Redskins Transport Modules to their place of work must pay a Personal Occupancy Fee for each minute waiting at the pick-up station. If the module arrives later than its scheduled time, you will be charged double for those minutes. If the module is at full capacity upon arrival, you will shot to prevent overflow.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Third item: Any person found with legal tender that is not Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars shall be forced into a lifetime of vending Miller Lites in the FedEx Field restrooms.

Redskins Fan #35601: But you’ve taken all our money already anyway.

Crowd: [Stunned silence]

Dan Snyder: SEIZE HIM!

Dan Snyder: Because of your impudence, this week’s Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Ration will only include TWO leaflets promoting Eastern Motors. End communication.

Crowd: HAIL!

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

As if there was ever a doubt. Try to contain your shock on this one, but Lance Zierlein of the Houston Chronicle is reporting that Dan Snyder is prepared to spend $100 million on defensive tackle extraordinaire Albert Haynesworth. In addition to the gargantuan money Snyder is using a lifetime of free haircuts to lure the Pro Bowler to town. It’s also being reported that Snyder is adamant about giving up a first and a third round draft pick in exchange for Haynesworth, despite the fact that he’s a free agent. [Mister Irrelevant]

Oh man. Did you get a look at that contract that Al Davis gave Javon Walker? Six years for $55 million. Ooooh yeah, I bet that felt good. Those days are behind me though. I’m staying clean this year.

But, but, I can’t be content with just hiking ticket prices, concession prices, parking prices and authentic official Redskins Sean Taylor grieving towel prices. I have to put the Snyder imprint on this off-season, with a blockbuster bank-breaking signing that will get woefully optimistic ‘Skins fans expecting 13 wins next season.

[Hyperventilating]

Everybody says I have to be more disciplined this year. We don’t have the cap room. I don’t want the Thetans.

[Grabs newspaper]

Six years, $42 million for Shaun Rogers? With $20 million guaranteed? No fucking way. What are you trying to do to me? Jerry Porter for $30 million? Madieu Williams for $33 million?

BERNARD FUCKING BERRIAN FOR $42 MILLION POTOMAC TREE CHOPPING DOLLARS!?

Aaaahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh AAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHHH

I gotta do it. Get the jet. Get the checkbook. Get a couple bullshit Wizards tickets ready. We’ll show them everything D.C. has to offer, even if means showing them around the National Harbor construction site!

[Hands trembles while reaching for phone]

[Snyder slaps hand]

NO! MUST BE PRUDENT THIS YEAR! MUST NOT SIGN ERIC MOULDS TO 8-YEAR, $52 MILLION DEAL!

Gotta argue that puppy down to $48 million. After all, I’m a changed man.

In case the last month wasn’t enough of an indication, Dan Snyder is back in the saddle. Sure, he deferred to Gibbs for a couple of years, but now that his hero has departed it’s Danny time…

Numerous league sources, including some with direct knowledge of conversations between Snyder, Cerrato and recent head coaching candidates, have affirmed that the Redskins have interest in trading for Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Johnson, with two league sources saying Johnson is eager to land a hefty new contract from Washington.

Yep.

Acquiring an elite receiver is Snyder’s top priority, league sources said. The Bengals have said they have no intention of trading Johnson, but his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, is working quietly to broker a deal, the sources said.

/drinks mercury

via LaCa

1. Joe Gibbs announces his retirement leaving the average fan unmoved. The franchise looks to be heading in the right direction and the name Bill Cowher has us cautiously optimistic.

2.We begin to realize that all of Danny’s money can’t lure Cowher, so Gregg Williams becomes the favorite by default.

3. Vinny Cerrato is promoted to “Executive” Vice President of Football Operations. Rumors float that Snyder offered the job to Jim Mora. Meanwhile, Gregg is left twisting in the wind after several interviews and no offer.

4. Jim Fassel’s name emerges as the most likely candidate JIM FASSEL! ARE YOU SHITTING ME? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

If (when) the official announcement is made I’ll be back to try and explain things the best I can. Until then, try not to look any Washington fan directly in the eyes. We’re all feeling a little froggy this week.

I already feel a rant coming on.

Chris Mottram is already loading his gun.