Makin’ a run on Roy Williamses, are ya? I see you’ve got the Atlantic and Ventnor Avenues of the Roy Williams Monopoly. How’s ’bout picking up the Marvin Gardens for the trifecta? You can build hotels and another billion dollar stadium on that there son of a gun. And, hey, at least there’s no chance I’ll outrun a Brad Johnson pass.
Apparently Terrell Owens is so narcissistic that he cannot enjoy being a crucial part of a much-closer-than-expected victory over the visiting Bengals. Owens was spotted late in the game conspicuously gesturing “two” as in the number of receptions he had for the entire game. But the bitch-and-moan didn’t stop there. Check out his bizarre post game comments….
After complaining last week when “only” a third of Dallas’ offense went through him in their loss to the Redskins, Owens engaged in a cryptic quasi-religious soliloquy before slinking sulkily off the stage. “God has chosen me to be the vessel of his glory. I’m so depressed. Where are those sleeping pills? God made me wear a yellow gingham shirt with fruity epaulets.”
I didn’t watch much of the ESPN News talking heads take on Owens comments, but I did hear Jeremy Green say that T.O. “said the right things.” Jeremy Green, I don’t know you and I can’t recall that I’ve ever even heard of you before now, but here’s a little gratis career advice in case the whole broadcasting thing doesn’t work out: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS!!!
So long as it doesn’t give out.
Or you can do it right.
And you don’t spawn this.
And, uh, DeSean is a tard.
- Opening sequence: close-up on Tony Romo. WHERE’S JESSICA????? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!!
- The first “character” we get is tight end Jason Witten. He doesn’t like changing diapers. They show his wife. Quick! Judge her attractiveness, or the Internet will collapse!
- Romo spent the offseason teaching football in his Wisconsin hometown. Tips included footwork and how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.
- And just like that, footage of the last two Cowboys playoff losses. Mmmmm, that’s delicious. Hold on, I gotta replay the Jordan Babineaux tackle.
- Jerry Jones addresses the team. There is a disappointing lack of shouting YEEEHAW and TIX-ASS.
- We’re ten minutes into the show, and I’d be bored out of my mind if I weren’t typing non-stop. This is the only show on television that needs commercials.
- Minute 14: Pacman Jones! Pacman’s special skill is catching and holding on to six balls all at once, something he learned while playing with Vince Young, who prefers to do it shirtless.
- Wade Phillips in a dri-fit t-shirt that hugs all the wrong places: there goes any chance of peaceful dreams tonight.
- Wade Phillips in a polo shirt that hugs all the wrong places: I see a theme developing here. For the love of God, someone get that man a XXXL or a muumuu or a king-size bed sheet. Anything that doesn’t cling to the underside of his bitch tits.
- In a not-at-all staged bit of rookie hazing, DeMarcus Ware pretends to show top draft pick Felix Jones the ropes, positioning him below Pacman’s window. Pacman dumps a trash can full of semen and dollar bills on Jones. Well, not really. It was water. But I like my version better.
- Lordy mercy! There was an earthquake at the ‘Boys training camp! It leads Jason Garrett to tell a joke. How do I know? Garrett: “That was a joke. Kidding.”
- T.O. wears sunglasses during his “confessional” interview, held indoors. Of course. He also unveils a line of t-shirts with such slogans as “iLove,” “iScore,” “iPractice,” “iBlock,” and so on. They’re a big hit with his teammates, who purchase them for one cock-sucking apiece.
- Highlight of the show so far: the rookies have to sing into “microphones” made of bananas with two plums attached at the base. It looks like genitalia!!!! ROFLOLZ!
- After a bad day at practice, rookie RB Keon Lattimore calls his big brother for support. SHOCKING TWIST: his big brother is Ray Lewis. Ray-Ray offers some tough love, tells Keon to “stay on your Bible, stay on your prayers,” and “by all means, lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people.”
- Day 9 of camp: Tony Romo arrives at practice to adoring fans. WHERE’S JESSICA???? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!
- Wade Phillips to the team: “You know, I don’t have a lot of rules, but at [Secondary] Coach [Dave] Campo’s request, I’m making a rule that you can’t pull down coaches’ pants any more.” Drew’s incorporating that into a Wade and Jerry post as we speak.
- The Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy to keep players fresh for the regular season. Roy Williams does everything he can to ignore it. Kind of like the horse collar rule, or playing adequate pass coverage.
- Holy shit, say what you will about Jason Garrett being a Princeton nancy boy, his brother John — the tight ends coach — has a haircut straight out of The Great Gatsby. How does one maintain such a fine wave in one’s imperial Aryan hair, Master Garrett?
- The only two Cowboys on the roster with Super Bowl rings are Brad Johnson, who was so good he backed up Trent Dilfer in Tampa Bay [Edit: commenter goto11 notes that this is incorrect. We don't particularly regret the error], and a young receiver named Todd Lowber, who was on the Giants’ practice squad last year. Really? They give rings to the practice squad guys? Aw, that’s sweet.
Final verdict: not exactly compelling television, but an interesting look at training camp. Sure as shit better than a preseason game. Perhaps a decent Wednesday night foil to Project Runway. If Suede (this fuckface) doesn’t stop speaking in the third person, I’m going to personally head over to Fashion Avenue to cut his abdomen to ribbons and hang him with his own intestines.
EXT. DALLAS COWBOYS MINI-CAMP.
Romo: Hey, I think I can see my car in the parking lot from here. Wait…yeah–no, that’s not my car. Well, it looks just like mine. Oh wait, my car isn’t blue. Is it?
Peter King: Excuse me, Tony. Do you have time for an interview while you stretch.
Romo: Oh, hey Peter what’s up?
Peter King: You–you remembered my name!
Romo: Well, yeah. You’ve interviewed me every day for the past week, since mini-camp started. Hey, is my car blue?
Peter King: Wow. You have got to start spending less time with Jessica, Tony.
Romo: What do you mean? Why do you keep saying that to me?
Peter King: Well…um…be…because you’ve been so forgetful and I just–
Romo: Peter do you have a brother?
Peter King: Oh, no way I’d set her up with anyone in my family, especially after–
Romo: No, Peter. [looking over Peter's shoulder] Do you have a brother?
Peter King: Just one, but he’s in…Oh fuck.
[turns around slowly]
BIFF KING: Peter! I called your wife on a pay phone! She told me where you were. My, my, that lady has such a lovely voice. It reminds me of cold beer beading up on a baby’s ass.
Romo: How did you get in here?
Peter King: What are you doing here? I am WORKING!
Romo: Hey, did you see any blue cars in the lot out there?
BIFF KING: Relax, Stevie, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Just came to see my little brother is all, and slowly ruin his life.
Peter King: Stop calling me Stevie! I’m trying to do an interview here!
BIFF KING: Just like old times, ain’t it Stevie? You’re chatting up this one girl, but then she starts talking to me and before you know it, instead of hanging out with you, she’s driven her station wagon right into a bridge impediment.
Peter King: That was our mom! You jumped up from the back seat and covered her eyes! I missed my baseball game that day because of you!
BIFF KING: There you go again, Stevie, making shit up about Super Biff again. Just like the state of New Jersey made shit up about me robbing a liquor store with a chainsaw while I was high on Liquid Plumr.
Peter King: They had you on video!
BIFF KING: That wasn’t me.
Romo: Hey, if you guys are going to have a conversation, you should probably get off the field.
[BIFF stares at Romo]
BIFF KING: Hey, Tony Romo. What’s happening?
Romo: Hi.
BIFF KING: Tony Romo, huh? More like Tony Shitbag. The third.
Romo: What?
BIFF KING: Fist any assholes lately? You’ve got such slick hands you could probably get elbow-deep in Andre Gurode’s anus if you’re not paying attention. Which you aren’t. Because you suck. Awwwww [spins finger around and points it at Romo] How did that taste, pussy boy?
Romo: Peter, we’ll pick this up later. [walks off]
BIFF KING: Yeah, better get going, Dorothy. That yeast infection isn’t going to treat itself. Heh heh heh. Believe me, I know.
Peter King: You’re unbelievable. You just chased away my interview! I’m trying to do a job!
BIFF KING: Just take another NyQuil, Stevie. This isn’t the first time you’ve been cockblocked by ol’ El Segundo here. A little composure is in order, along with a little breakfast. Stevie, I think you and the big dog need to mosey on down to the awful Waffle House and settle this over some Texas Toast.
Peter King: You don’t have any money, do you?
BIFF KING: I’ll pay you back. I’ll drive. I’m the blue 2008 Range Rover in the lot over there, in the back.
Peter King: Where did you get that?
BIFF KING: Whoo, listen to you, Mister Up In My Business. Why, do you want one? Can you afford a machine like this writing for your little magazine?
Peter King: Mmmmmaybe I can!
[they head to the parking lot]
BIFF KING: So how’s that little girl of yours doing?
Peter King: Don’t ask.
Say what you will about those Lazy Tuesday goofs, but at least they didn’t work too hard at looking ridicuwockle. These guys, on the other hand, seem to gone through Herculean efforts to look achingly dopey. I hope these dancers got paid. Not in money of course, but an ice cream sandwich sounds about right.
Welcome to the second half of your Cowboy Hater Twin Cinema Matinée. You’d think between the owner, coach and quarterback someone would have realized that this commercial might come back to bite them on the ass someday.
Notice they don’t have Jason Garrett pitching this swill. That’s ’cause he’s finalizing plans to be sipping Cristal out of Wade’s hollowed out skull this time next year.
C’mon, deep down you’ve always suspected it.
Eli Manning busted his playoff victory cherry last week in Tampa Bay and now Tony Romo’s all, like, “Hey, man. I thought we made a decision to lose our postseason winning virginity together?”
Then Eli was like, “I’m sorry. It kinda, sorta just happened. You can’t expect me to say no to something like that.”
Then Romo cried.
Eli has been insisting it wasn’t that big a deal, but Romo can notice the changes in him already. Eli’s not as uneasy around playoff games, he exudes a confidence he didn’t have before.
Good thing Eli is an actual sexual virgin or Romo would be really pissed.
