I support making the Football Solstice a recognized holiday with its own set of debauched rituals. However, given that the day after the Super Bowl is still a regular workday, it’s probably pretty far down the docket. Just get the greeting card industry in on the ground floor. We’ll have this as a federal holiday within a year.

- Brady child number three on the way! Second with Gisele if you’re keeping score. This one is definitely getting weird name. But what? Bradinho? Gritty Ivy? Please let it be a for-real Troll Brady.

- Kellen Winslow traded to the C-Hox. Dallas F*ckin’ Clark signed with the Bucs. It’s a run on veteran pass-catching tight ends! And yet still no one wants Jeremy Shockey. :(

- The Cowboys’ and Redskins’ cap penalty appeal was struck down by an arbitrator. At long last, a hard-colluded victory for collusion!

Ooh, ooh, I wanna play Ginger darts!

- So it seems the Pro Bowl is not only not dead, but it might be hosted in New Orleans the week before the Super Bowl. Peter King says that if Goodell is on hand, it will be the most awkward Pro Bowl ever, except for all the other ones.

- Ufford’s SB Nation video operation got NFL rookies to interview each other at the NFLPA trading card photo shoot. But, if the players start interviewing each other, what will media whores do? Besides write 4,000 words about their vacations?

While the ol’ ball and chain tools about town in her fleet of Mercedes, the Wolfman has something a little more his speed: a 1999 Ford Econoline Conversion Van. It’s every bit the sketchy dungeon of filth and smelly moistness we would expect out of Rob Ryan, so of course he speaks of it as lovingly as PK would of Allagash.

If you haven’t watched this video, I cannot stress enough that you must stop everything, quit your job, leave your family and spend the next four months viewing it on loop. Because the video hosted on the Cowboys official website (!!!) doesn’t include an embed option, I’ve included the version above from YouTube in which someone made the obvious connection to the classic Chris Farley “van down by the river” sketch and spliced the two together. Here’s the genuine article, in case you would like unbroken distilled Wolfman character. UPDATE: SportsGrid has an embeddable version, if you’re so interested. I’m too lazy to swap them out now. #Fridays

OW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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It was revealed prior to the draft that Megatron would be on the cover of this year’s Madden game. Well, now the mock-up of the cover has arrived for people who need to see packaging three months in advance of purchase. And…yep, that sure is Calvin Johnson. From what I’ve seen, the reception is skewed toward the underwhelmed. Chris Chase says they should have left the ball in the shot, because otherwise we have no idea what Megatron is doing in that pose. He could be doing anything, like focusing his telekinetic powers to lift a car. Yup, solid point, there. You tell ‘em, Chase.

- Terrell Suggs suffered only a partial tear of his Achilles tendon, creating the possibility that Ball So Hard University could resume scheduled classes sometime after fall midterms.

- Rex Ryan was spotted wearing a Devils jersey during the team’s series-deciding win against the Flyers last night. Busted Coverage is quick to point out that Rex was pictured wearing a Flyers jersey at a game two years ago. And that would totally matter if Rex Ryan gave a sh*t about hockey, which I’m confident in assuming he doesn’t.

- Michael Vick used the chess skills he picked up in prison to demolish a bunch of kids at the game, including sixth-grader named True Knowledge Islam.

- Cris Carter said the Vikings had bounties back when he played for them. But they were to protect teammates from opponents. In retrospect, probably should have let the other guys take out Gary Anderson.

- LaVar Arrington, always to be counted on to elevate the discourse, said that parents keeping kids from playing football is the result of “sissification”.

- Cowboys-Redskins rivalry toilet, obviously from the Dallas fan perspective. At least when it gets clogged during their Thanksgiving game, it’ll serve as a totem of hate.

Just like that, we instantly have new clubhouse leader for favorite Jay Cutler photo, non-sulking division. It’s perfectly distilled Cutlerf*cker: peevish about being noticed outside of his own terms, also annoyed that Kristin is making him walk her stupid tiny yappy dog, the astutely coiffed hair despite being otherwise slovenly. Let’s not forget the huge sweatpants that he must have borrowed from Roberto Garza. If only he were rolling his eyes, it would hit every high note.

- The Patriots have reacquired Jabar Gaffney, meaning that with Ocho, the Pats will boast two receivers who overshare on Twitter. One occasionally amusing and the other disconcertingly dramatic. It always helps to have versatility in an offense.

- Spencer Hall wrote an NFL-related feature. You shouldn’t need further enticement than that.

- Former Cowboys lineman Torrin Tucker got busted for selling weed to an undercover officer in a strip club. Police then discovered bags of weed and cocaine capsules in a Crown Royale bag stuffed down the front of his pants. it’s like he’s utilizing all the life lessons that Nate Newton could possibly impart.

- Columnist argues that the NFL is basically the next Big Tobacco. I find that conclusion somewhat problematic but I do welcome the idea of the league having to fund commercials where people dump bodybags at their corporate offices.

- Worthwhile Junior Seau reaction piece from Chris Jones at Esquire (don’t worry, Gawker, it’s not about his wife), a story on Deadspin about a time Seau picked up a Marine captain’s bar tab then played the ukulele for everybody and another tale of Seau awesomeness from Saints center Eric Olsen.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Burnsy and Danger Guerrero will be subbing again tomorrow. Don’t think you can act up, because they’ll be submitting a report to me in full about any misbehavior. Looking at you, Feklar. People liked Burnsy’s Sexy Friday post from last week, with good reason, so you’re in for a treat.

We had drinks before the draft with Kobayashi. We’re not sure why this happened, but we appreciate Hugging Harold Reynolds for passing on this pic of him with Bengalmania (perhaps this wrestling-inspired gimmick was responsible for the WHAT! chants throughout the broadcast) and a photobombing Jets fan.

Very satisfying first round, all told. Trades! Roger Goodell hugs! So tender! So white! The Browns were suckered into moving up for no reason. Then they upped the humor ante and took Brandon Weeden, which will force a Colt McCoy trade to the Jets so they can have the most wholesome back-up QBs ever. The Dolphins took Tannehill and gave us a punchline for several years to come. The Cowboys did a cowboy thing and traded up for Mo Claiborne. The Patriots did two cowboys things and stopped following the Patriot Way of dropping down to compile picks. They’ll still be fellated for getting more talented on defense, though it’s not like they didn’t need that. Also the Eagles picked well, and that shouldn’t happen.

A lot of fun “character issues” players like Janoris Jenkins and Vontaze Burfict available for Day 2, so more fun with calling of names to be had, for sure.

There have been other Cowboys cheerleader cakes in the past; observe this “Just The Cans” version from last year, but certainly none have been as creepy as this one spotted by Sweater Punch. Nothing more wholesome than slicing up a headless woman from the thighs up, crotch included. No thanks, I’m too full for a boob piece. You’ll have to cut me off a piece of the midriff.

- Brian Dawkins announced on Twitter that he’s retiring. But not before he gets the ceremonial one-day contract from the Eagles. Let the tedious Hall of Fame debates begin. I’ll get us going in true PK fashion: MAYBE!

- Speaking of retirement, turns out it’s pretty boring, so says former Jets defensive end Trevor Pryce, who is apparently spending his days dolefully kicking a soccer ball against his garage door until someone asks if he wants to play. If anyone needs a second for some pickup garage ball, Trevor Pryce is waiting.

- It was reported late last week that Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are the new announcing team for the Madden video game series. In other words, been nice knowing you, Madden games. I can put up with a lot of bugs, AI issues and losing to 12-year-olds in online ranked games, but I’ll be damned if I’m listening to 25 “WELL, JEEM” utterances in a game with five-minute quarters. Anyway, in case you’re still in the market, Pasta Padre has a schedule of when EA plans to drop info about this year’s edition.

- The speed limit on Manning Way in Oxford, Mississippi has been switched from 18 to 10 mph, presumably to honor Elisha for being number one bestest big boy in the family. A better way to do that would be adding a Power Wheels lane.

[Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" ringtone]

Tony Romo: You got Romo!

Oh yeah, I can talk. At the hospital, bro. Yeah, one of those days. Just chillin’ in the delivery room while Candice does her thing. Good job, babe.

[Pats her on the shoulder]

I don’t know. These things don’t operate under a set schedule. Really annoying, bro.

Naw, bro, I can’t go golfing right now. Give me like…[looks at a scowling Candice]…two hours?

[Hangs up]

Hey, Candice, babe. I know this is tough on you, but if we could move things along, I make be able to make tee. I only ask ’cause this is an important skins match.

Nurse: Oh, we’ve got crowning. We’re almost there, Candice. C’mon, girl. Push, push!

Tony Romo: Uh… c’mon… you got this…ummm, goooooo!

Nurse: Dad, would you like to come say hello?”

Tony Romo: Hold up.

[Picks up cell]

You got Romo!

Hawkins Romo: What’s good, dadbro?

Tony Romo: Who is this?

Hawkins Romo: It’s your son, Hawkins. THE HAWK!

Tony Romo: You have a phone?

Hawkins: ‘Course. I had mom sign up for the two-year plan while I was only second trimester. Told her it was that or I arrive late. Haha, she caved.

Tony: Nice.

Hawkins: You know it.

Tony: So you cool with the Hawkins name? I know it’s a little on the preppy side but Candice got one of those baby naming books, and I figure, you gotta defer to the mom on this one. Only fair.

Hawkins: We’re straight so long as we only use THE HAWK in conversation. Hawkins is fine for when I need to get serious and handle my professional hustle, but in the street, ALL HAWK, BRO.

Tony: You truly are my son.

Hawkins: Love ya, dadbro. Totally adding your number to my contacts list.

Tony: Oh yeah, lemme do that, too.

[Hangs up]

All right, Candice. Nice work, babe. You did it. Atta girl. Now I gotta split. You know how to reach me on the course, which is to say, don’t.

- ESPN had Darelle Revis and Gronk in-studio this week. A host had the two of them do word association, which is always death. Small consolation: they also got to break stuff. This led to ample awkwardness and Revis saying “jerk” when Bill Belichick’s name came up, which is perfectly reasonable and probably even a descriptor that the Grumblelord would self-ascribe. Yet horrible people are trying to make a big deal of it because of course they are. Even in the best of offseasons, there exists a seemingly limitless expanse of time where nothing is going on. ESPN knows pointless, trumped-up scandal is the easiest filler, so tWWL will try its hardest to fan this ember into a full-on sh*t show conflagration. This is why I need a five-month Waitmate prescription.

- In a predictably quality Spencer Hall piece, he takes the long view in looking at football’s inexorable march to being something probably less violent, but more honest in its presentation of violence. Oh, and hopefully not totally marginalized. There are also Bob Costas putdowns, which are always appreciated.

- The Cowboys joined the Raiders and Browns as teams for which condemned felons have expressed their support before being lethally injected. Congrats! It’s no “I love my family. Potato, potato, potato” but generically phrased NFL fan cries are a very dignified way to shuffle off the coil of mortals.

Wait, it wasn’t this guy who was put down? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the system doesn’t work.

- Eric Winston still got a promotional flyer for luxury suite sales from the Texans, even though he was recently released by the team. This forced people to cry that the Texans sales office needs to update its mailing list, apparently unaware that sales teams never update mailing lists under any circumstance.

- Supposedly leaked photos of the Giants Super Bowl rings. Yep, they sure do look like rings.

- Donovan McNabb is a passive-aggressive dick, part 8 million.

The NFL let it be known yesterday that the team offered as sacrifice to the defending Super Bowl champs for the special Wednesday edition of the annual season kickoff game will be the Cowboys. Some have said its a lackluster choice given that it’s “just” a division rival that the Giants swept last season, but that underestimates the country’s capacity to enjoy Cowboys losses, which if I may speak for everyone, is endless and insatiable. Did people already forget the first meeting between these teams last year, when the Giants scored two TDs in the last three minutes, Tony Romo overthrew Miles Austin badly on a play that would have sealed the game, and the Cowboys lost on a last-second blocked field goal? It was glorious.

Oh, and I suppose even the Cowboys winning would have its benefits. The defending champs have to lose this game one of these years. And John Mara has been a dick about how he’s reacted to the league screwing over the Cowboys and Redskins on the cap penalty business. Stop that. Don’t make Dallas into sympathetic figures, not even a little bit.

There were three games this season that KSK live blogged that didn’t turn out to be complete disasters: the Saints-Packers opener, Bears-Eagles in early November and, finally and perhaps most spectacularly, the first meeting between the Giants and Cowboys that featured Tony Romo diving into his own end zone for a safety and ended with Jason Pierre-Paul blocking a potential game-tying Dallas field goal while Jerry Jones’ grandson looked on in delicious, delicious anguish. Should the second encounter, which will decide who “wins” the NFC East and hosts Atlanta next week, turn out anything like that, we can feel a tiny bit better about all those primetime games with Tyler Palko that we had to suffer through.