The Eagles and Cowboys meet with NFC East primacy on the line. Just weeks ago, the Iggles lost to the Raiders and the Cowboys had to squeak by the Chiefs. Now suddenly, they’re teams of consequence once more. It’s key for Dallas to build as large a division lead as possible before December sets in and they lose all their games in spectacular fashion. After signs had indicated he would play, Brian Westbrook will instead sit out for a second straight week. Tony Romo, meanwhile, will have to make sure that he stops playing favorites with Miles Austin. C’mon, Tony – just because he’s actually capable of getting open and can communicate with you in your mystical smialect (that’s a dialect for smiles, duh) doesn’t mean you have to ignore Roy Williams.

As we wait for kickoff, here are a few of the standout moments from the first two Sunday timeslots.

1. Via reader Michael from Charlotte come the greatest (and by greatest, we mean the only non-nauseating) split team jersey taxidermy in the history of anything ever.

2. BUCS WIN! BUCS WIN! CREAMSICLE SHERBET BUCCO BRUCE GAYCATION CELEBRATION! But, hey, since when do the Buccaneers have enough greats for a ring of honor? Shouldn’t it be a carpet sample of honor?

3. Tom Brady acts like a dick for no reason? GET OUT!

4. Tiny Darren is never too small to get blowed up rull good.

5. Via Deadspin – Ocho brought a few singles onto the field in Cincy at the beginning of the 4th quarter against Baltimore, playfully pretending to pay off the refs while they reviewed a sideline catch that he made (it was overturned). Or was he giving the Baltimore secondary some walking around money before half of them get cut after the season? NO, HE WAS DEFINITELY PAYING OFF THE REFS! GET ‘EM, RAVENS CONSPIRACY THEORISTS!

Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.

In case one of you non-stadium-owning proles has been permitted to forget, this Sunday night marks the first game of consequence in Cowboys Colossatorium of TIXAS-sized BigBigness, appropriately against the Giants (WHO ARE THEMSELVES DWARFED BY ITS ENORMITY). Even though the game features two bitter division rivals presently sitting at 1-0, we all know the real drama will be whether one of the punters clangs one off the huge obstructing video boards, causing them to crash into the Earth and kick up enough dust to blot out the sun. Or maybe just result in an odious do-over. But, wait, there’s even more external drama! The game is maybe possibly blacked out! But that’s okay because the Twittering legion of millions will keep you up to date on all goings on, at least until they’re crushed by the video board! Why must this be so complicated when we just want to see Jerry Jones humiliated? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Cowboys Stadium video boards__________________Jeff Feagles

Why is it noteworthy?

THAT THAR TEEVEE SHORE IS PLUM BIGGER THAN ALL-UH CREATION_________Never had a punt blocked

Has he ever had a punt blocked?

It can block punts____________________Just said I never had a punt blocked

Really?

Dunno. Ask him_____________________Uh, you heard me! No blocked punts! No way, no how!

What about the block in the preseason against the Panthers?

Yeah, what about that?________________________DOESN’T COUNT! IT’S THE GODDAMN PRESEASON!

Oh yeah, only the preseason. Sure thing, pal. [Dismissive jerking motion]

Hahahaha [Yes, the giant video board laughed]_________PISS OFF! NOT THE SAME! NOT THE SAME!

Compromising drawbacks

Possibly interrupting flow of the game_____________Denies blocked punt, causes tardwit Giants fans to wonder aloud if he’ll make it to the HOF, even though he’s a f-cking punter and no one cares

Do They Expect Monkey Punter?

NO! NO ONE EVER EXPECTS MONKEY PUNTER! Because he’s Chinese, and therefore sneaky. HE’LL BOOT A BALL CLEAR THROUGH YOUR GIANT VIDEO SCREENS LIKE IT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! THEN BUY UP YOUR COUNTRY’S DEBT!

Finishing move

SUSAN SKAGGS SEX TAPE! YEEEEEE HAWWWW! HOTNESS ON THE BIG SCREEN____Not. Getting. Blocked.

UPDATE: A canny reader, who, unlike me, checks into jokes Maj makes, points out Feagles has actually had 12 punts blocked in his career. Ouf. There goes this post’s premise. Avenge me, Monkey Punter!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

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Did you hear that Jerry Jones built a gargantuan $1.15 billion shrine to football and decadence? Because he did, and he wants everyone to know how GODDAMN HUGE it is. Needless to say, Dan Snyder will take this shirt as an affront to his stature and he’ll be even more eager to build a shiny new monstrosity of his own. [NBC DFW]

But that’s not all you can learn from Marty B’s new video tour of his “house” aka Cowboys Stadium. Oh no, there is so much more.

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Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

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As KSK’s resident TV blogger, I thought I’d point out that tonight is the premiere of Spike TV’s “4th and Long,” the reality series hosted by Michael Irvin in which the winner receives a training camp roster spot on the Dallas Cowboys. So basically, the winner will get cut. Second place is stabbed in the neck with scissors.

10 p.m. Eastern, people. Set your DVRs, lest you miss Irvin instructing contestants on the “private jet orgy” challenge. Most women impregnated gets immunity this week!

This morning, ESPN’s Matt Mosley reported that Dan Reeves had begun working for the Dallas Cowboys in an as yet unspecified consulting role. This evening we learned that Reeves has already quit. This means one of two things. Either, A: Reeves works very fast and was able to resolve the Cowboys myriad issues in a single day; or B: Jerry Jones is an insufferable pain in the ass and Reeves prefers unemployment to putting with his shit. Hmmmm, let me think about that for a nanosecond…

[ thx to Lumpy for the tip ]

It’s the last game ever in TIXAS Stadium, and as much as I’d like to go on about how much I dislike the 50-foot crown in the center of its playing field, reader Brian had to go and send me this indelible piece of Bawlmer trashiness, the annual singing of “Crabs for Christmas” by David DeBoy and Da Hons. I know the citizens of Baltimore are fond of wearing their innate tackiness as a badge of honor, but I really think it’s them daring us to test chemical weapons on them.

Brian advises us on some highlights to skip to:

1:43: You get to see some kind of crab mascot shuffling around in the back of the hall. Obviously he is your local sex offender who’s been allowed to dress up as a STD and palm it off as community service.

2:08: We get the entire “Crabs for Christmas” ensemble in all its glory. The Honfest pageant winners and the man on the electronic keyboard who puts the Creep-o-Meter right through the roof. Between this guy and the Crab mascot, the pedophiles are beginning to amass inside this shithole of a hall. Also, notice the lifesize Fathead sticker of Elvis on the wall behind the electric piano. Never understood Balwmer white trash’s fascination with the King, but this makes it a tell-tale sign of a Dundalkian White Trash gathering. Seeing Elvis present on the wall is as tell-tale as a cross burning at a KKK rally.

3:40: “The Chrisssmas Whisshle” – enough said…

Oh, but the Cowboys won’t be denied their stake in the battle to be the biggest cornball shitheads, as this week brings soft focus remembrances of a football stadium infused with grating quasi-religious hokum.

No, it’s a meteor hole. C’mon God, this is your last chance!

(Okay, in the spirit of fairness, here’s Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Justin Hartwig singing a holiday song called “Neutered Balls.” Goddammit.)