Five Fast Facts About the 49ers:

*Dashon Goldson playson special teams an’ putson a turbon when egging the white people on.
*Bryant Young and Larry Allen would appreciate it if Wilford Brimley didn’t keep pushing Liberty Mutual life insurance on them. Incidentally, they both think Norah Jones is the bee’s knees.
*Ashley Lelie was too shitty a receiver even for the Falcons, so it stands to reason he should get a starting job elsewhere.
*Like Shawne Merriman, Vernon Davis slept with all the hot College Park bitches (read: the ones not from Jersey). With Davis, however, it was all consensual.
*During the Mike Vick fiasco, a select few people called for clemency. Nate Clements wasn’t sure what he was supposed to look at.

Projected 2007 Record:
9-7, 2nd in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
5-0 in the Super Bowl. YES, YES, DAD, I KNOW! SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!

The Niners are a trendy playoff pick this year. A team that, if all goes well, could be successful without being dominating. In a weak NFC, this bodes well for me.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my father is a 49ers fan and my mother is a Redskins fan. How they produced a Steelers fan is really between my mom and the likely underemployed man she cheated on my dad with.

My dad’s sports allegiance meant a fair portion of my youthly memories involving him yelling at Tom Rathman (still not sure why) and never allowing me to take Joe Montana’s name in vain (it was always “The Magic Man” on second reference). He also ripped off one of my fingers to honor Ronnie Lott. It smtimes affx my tping.

Because dear dad is so insufferable when the Niners are winning, it’s been a real treat this last decade to have him lose interest by week 2 and start begging for Eddie and the mob to return.

What sustains him is no less irritating. To whit: the unending gloating about the 49ers’ flawless Super Bowl record. Even after the Steelers matched them with five rings two years ago, his first remarks were “Five and ohh versus five and one.”

I remember late January 1996, right before Super Bowl XXX. The Steelers, though massive underdogs to Dallas, had a chance, however remote, to tie the Niners at 5-0 in the Bowl.

“They’ll never win,” my father told me matter-of-factly. “They’ve got ‘Dumb Dumb’ O’Donnell.”

This enraged me, not only for being a vapid put-down but because it illustrated that he didn’t know anything about the team. Neil had played well in the playoffs and he wasn’t asked to do enough to lose the game for Pittsburgh.

Right after O’Donnell’s second Larry Brown interception, my father came into the basement where I was watching the game, now him a sniveling heap on the floor. He shook his head, sighed and let loose one more “Dumb Dumb” and walked into his workshop to smoke.

So basically what I long for is the Niners to win the NFC and get annihilated by whichever AFC team rises from the scrum. That’ll show that asshole.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.