Josh McDaniels: All right, things are a bit strained with Cutler at the moment, but I think we can smooth things over if we just talk to the guy some, explain where we were coming from. These players forgive a lot easier than they let on.

Pat Bowlen: Remember, son, you gotta handle this guy with the kid gloves sometimes.

Josh McDaniels: Gotcha.

Pat Bowlen: Walk on eggshells…

Josh McDaniels: Okay.

Pat Bowlen: Weigh your words…

Josh McDaniels: All these phrases mean the same thing.

Pat Bowlen: Just make the call, smartass.

[Phone rings]

Jay Cutler: [Exhales] Yeah?

Josh McDaniels: Hey Jay. Been a crazy couple weeks, right? [Forced laugh] I know you’re none too happy with me, or the organizational the moment, so I wanted us to clear the air some.

Cutler: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Did you trade me yet?

Bus Cook: Hope you guys don’t mind if I get in on this call, too.

Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.

[Hits speaker phone button]

…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!

[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]

Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.

Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.

Bus Cook: Lemme just step in here a moment, fellas. I know you can’t see it over the phone, but my client just got a little bit more despondent about his current situation. I think we’re closing in on the point where we might want to consider parting ways.

Josh McDaniels: Okay, okay. I know we should have been more forthcoming about our intentions. The move for Cassel wasn’t an indictment of your abilities, Jay. It only speaks to the comfort level of a quarterback I’ve worked with in the past.

Jay Cutler: Whatever. Still tried to trade me.

Josh McDaniels: This is true, but isn’t it also true that you were putting out feelers for a trade before that point?

Jay Cutler: Nuh-uh!

Josh McDaniels: Yes you did. Other team executives have confirmed this.

Jay Cutler: They lie!

Josh McDaniels: Let’s be adults here, Jay.

Bus Cook: This isn’t doing any good for my client’s outlook, gentlemen.

Pat Bowlen: Hold up for a second, Josh. Look, Jay, this is a business, son, we’re looking for our interests as you do yours. You got an ax to grind with us? Well, hell, can’t do hell of a lot about that. But we gotta be mature here. We still got ourselves a job to do, y’hear?

Jay Cutler: Can’t you trade me? I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna!

Pat Bowlen: LISTEN YOU SNIVELING LITTLE COCKDRIP, YEAH, WE TRIED TO TRADE YOU! YEAH, YOU WANTED TO BE TRADED BEFORE THAT! WE BOTH DONE WRONG BY ONE ANOTHER! GROW A SACK AND ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT BUSINESS DECISIONS ARE NOT A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO YOU! YOU WANT A TRADE? TOUGH TITTY, BOY!

Bus Cook: Now you done it. I hope you’re happy. He’s gonna be in that emotional shell for months.

Pat Bowlen: Get Elway on the phone.

Jay Cutler: [Sniffs] He forced a trade once.

Pat Bowlen: YOU COULDN’T FORCE A TRADE HALF AS GOOD AS ELWAY!