Josh McDaniels: All right, things are a bit strained with Cutler at the moment, but I think we can smooth things over if we just talk to the guy some, explain where we were coming from. These players forgive a lot easier than they let on.
Pat Bowlen: Remember, son, you gotta handle this guy with the kid gloves sometimes.
Josh McDaniels: Gotcha.
Pat Bowlen: Walk on eggshells…
Josh McDaniels: Okay.
Pat Bowlen: Weigh your words…
Josh McDaniels: All these phrases mean the same thing.
Pat Bowlen: Just make the call, smartass.
[Phone rings]
Jay Cutler: [Exhales] Yeah?
Josh McDaniels: Hey Jay. Been a crazy couple weeks, right? [Forced laugh] I know you’re none too happy with me, or the organizational the moment, so I wanted us to clear the air some.
Cutler: Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Did you trade me yet?
Bus Cook: Hope you guys don’t mind if I get in on this call, too.
Josh McDaniels: Hey Bus. No, Jay. This organization has made it clear that we will not be trading you.
[Hits speaker phone button]
…unless Matt Cassel becomes available again!
[Gives thumbs up to Bowlen]
Pat Bowlen: That wasn’t the mute button, Josh.
Josh McDaniels: … Goddammit.
Bus Cook: Lemme just step in here a moment, fellas. I know you can’t see it over the phone, but my client just got a little bit more despondent about his current situation. I think we’re closing in on the point where we might want to consider parting ways.
Josh McDaniels: Okay, okay. I know we should have been more forthcoming about our intentions. The move for Cassel wasn’t an indictment of your abilities, Jay. It only speaks to the comfort level of a quarterback I’ve worked with in the past.
Jay Cutler: Whatever. Still tried to trade me.
Josh McDaniels: This is true, but isn’t it also true that you were putting out feelers for a trade before that point?
Jay Cutler: Nuh-uh!
Josh McDaniels: Yes you did. Other team executives have confirmed this.
Jay Cutler: They lie!
Josh McDaniels: Let’s be adults here, Jay.
Bus Cook: This isn’t doing any good for my client’s outlook, gentlemen.
Pat Bowlen: Hold up for a second, Josh. Look, Jay, this is a business, son, we’re looking for our interests as you do yours. You got an ax to grind with us? Well, hell, can’t do hell of a lot about that. But we gotta be mature here. We still got ourselves a job to do, y’hear?
Jay Cutler: Can’t you trade me? I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna!
Pat Bowlen: LISTEN YOU SNIVELING LITTLE COCKDRIP, YEAH, WE TRIED TO TRADE YOU! YEAH, YOU WANTED TO BE TRADED BEFORE THAT! WE BOTH DONE WRONG BY ONE ANOTHER! GROW A SACK AND ACCEPT THAT FACT THAT BUSINESS DECISIONS ARE NOT A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO YOU! YOU WANT A TRADE? TOUGH TITTY, BOY!
Bus Cook: Now you done it. I hope you’re happy. He’s gonna be in that emotional shell for months.
Pat Bowlen: Get Elway on the phone.
Jay Cutler: [Sniffs] He forced a trade once.
Pat Bowlen: YOU COULDN’T FORCE A TRADE HALF AS GOOD AS ELWAY!
What Makes Jay Drink? ProFootballTalk points out that the following passage was hastily removed from a story by a Denver FOX affiliate on Jay Cutler’s disharmonious relationship with the Broncos: “The source said there are concerns about Cutler’s consumption of alcohol, and ‘that he’s not that sharp. That scared the crap out of McDaniels,’ the source said.” If true, it means Cutler could have been deceiving all of us with the diabeetus bidness. We’ll have to check with our sedulous army of spies in case one spots him eating a slice of chocolate raspberry truffle at The Cheesecake Factory.
