Hey, so… You’re pretty hot and I don’t hate you. We should maybe get married. Or not. See if I care.

[Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler Engaged: PEOPLE]

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

Cutlerfucker, in his fifth season, is now making his first-ever playoff appearance after presiding over three late season chokes with the Broncos and a complete washout in his first year with the Bears. When they acquired him, Chicago fans figured they were getting the team’s first capable franchise quarterback in several lifetimes and now it turns out that 23 touchdowns and 16 interceptions is about the production ceiling for their po-faced sulkslinger. This is as good as it gets and he still blows.

That kind of gets to the heart of my difficulty truly detesting the Bears. Even when they’re good, they’re never a threat to do anything. Every few years, they manage to be a bye with someone like Jim Miller or Rex Grossman leading the way. The ’06 Bears made the Super Bowl on account of the rest of the NFC being horrid (the 10-6 Jeff Garcia-led Eagles and the 10-6 defensively deficient Saints were the two best teams in the conference after Chicago) then proceeded to let the Fat Humps win the Super Bowl even though Peyton Manning played like shit except for the one long pass where the Bears didn’t bother to cover Reggie Wayne deep.

The Bears are like a former president who hasn’t died yet. Every few years they might come out and say something or write a memoir or win some pointless award, but no one really cares. Your phase of significance has passed. We’re just waiting for you to croak so we can present your body in-state.

And the 2010 Bears might be the worst team to ever get a first-round bye. If Seattle beats them this weekend in Soldier Field, AS THEY ALREADY DID IN WEEK 6, I don’t know if I would really consider it a upset. I would consider it satisfying after reading articles about how Bears fans are already looking forward to a home NFC Title Game against Green Bay, who would likely crush Chicago unmercifully.

Ticket broker James Magoonaugh awoke this morning to several messages from Bears fans on his answering machine. But none of the callers were asking about tickets to this Sunday’s match-up against the Seattle Seahawks.

They were already looking ahead, to a potential dream match-up: an NFC championship game on Jan. 23 between the Bears and Packers at Soldier Field.

“If Green Bay comes, it’ll be something special at Soldier Field,” said Magoonaugh, owner of Redlinetickets.com.

The Bears best offensive strategy is still hoping someone is dumb enough to punt to Hester. Of course, even though the Bears ranked 30th on offense, Cutler managed to throw fewer than 20 picks, so Mike Martz is lavished with undue credit once again. Sure, Chicago’s defense is pretty good, but I can’t even appreciate it because Julius Peppers domination just transmogrifies into slurping for overrated, Paris Hilton-infected shitbag Brian Urlacher. And if that weren’t enough, it gives cause for Matt Millen to call defensive coordinator Rod Marinelli one of the the best coaches he’s ever been around.

The Lions should have swept this goddamn team. The Bears only won the first matchup by dint of an idiotic and soon-to-be-changed NFL rule that negated what should have been a Calvin Johnson touchdown catch. The second game the Bears were helped to their go-ahead touchdown by a laughably incorrect roughing call on Ndamukong Suh for pushing Cutlerfucker too hard to the ground on a scramble.

Bullshit.

You know those fan bases that think every minor transaction their team makes is deserving of universal attention? Well, Bears fans are the only member of this club who root for a team that never wins shit. Take away the ’85 Bears and their franchise isn’t much less downtrodden than the Browns in the modern era. Yet if they sign someone to the practice squad, I have to hear a bunch of rah-rah assholes wonder why this isn’t a bigger issue on the national stage. Fuck you, that’s why. You’ll all still be buying Ditka sweater vests in 50 years because you won’t have anything more recent to celebrate.

Players

Fans

Remaining Lovie Smith challenges

Brett Favre is pulling some last minute dramatics that suggest he might start. Failing that, he’s getting in some good attention whoring before occupying half the ESPN broadcast via anguished sideline shots. Meanwhile, TCF Stadium is approaching Heinz Field levels of hazardous conditions.

Chris Kluwe is especially concerned. No worries, pally. If anyone is catastrophically injured, it’s probably not going to be the sorry-ass punter. Even if said punter has the best reaction to the helmet hits madness of any NFL player to date.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen more interceptions overturned by penalty in a single game than the array that were negated tonight. Cutler had a half dozen in him, for sure, but the Bears caught break after break, whether it was a pass rusher hitting him helmet-to-helmet by accident to Nick Collins dropping another sure pick on the Bears’ final drive. Or that James Jones fumble that tight-roped the sideline. Apparently, all that sucking up to God with Cancer Girl didn’t get you far, Green Bay.

Of course, it was Devin Hester actually being allowed to do what he does best that proved to be the deciding factor in the game, with big punt returns either setting up or scoring the two Chicago touchdowns. That is, other than the 142 yards in penalties that the Packers accrued. But even if the Bears dimly stumbled to the second victory they didn’t necessarily deserve this season, at least be comforted that Cutler still manages to look like a diptard even in victory.

Remember Week 1 last year when the Bears and Packers played in primetime and Jay Cutler, weighed down by the expectations of being supposedly the first halfway decent Chicago quarterback in forever, threw four interceptions, and thus set the tone for an epically sulktastic season? Yeah, me neither.

But the Bears and Packers are meeting again tonight in another early season primetime game. Both teams are unbeaten, though the Bears really have to thank the league’s indefensibly retarded rules for what constitutes a reception for that. That bullshit notwithstanding, Cutlerf*cker is playing significantly better than he did in 2009, while Aaron Rodgers has continued being generally very good. Green Bay’s running game faltered last week without Ryan Grant, with alleged fantasy savior Brandon Jackson rushing for all of 19 yards against Buffalo.

Oh, and I didn’t get all the way through this clip, but I think the Packers have to win or this little girl will die of cancer. Steep odds!

Would you like to avoid dying of cancer? Learn more by checking out this week’s Designed Rush column at SB Nation.

Marvel Comics is releasing a four-issue series in which bad guys decide to blow up Soldier Field. Normally, I would say they are setting their sights relatively low in terms of supervillainy, but there are heads of state who could die and cause less Middle America devastation than Bretty Boy. TV pundits would set themselves on fire in the streets. Peter King alone would incite an ultra-dangerous jelly jihad against those responsible. SO LET’S HAVE IT MR. SINISTER! THIS STADIUM’S NOT GONNA EXPLODE ITSELF!

This is the final MNF broadcast of the season, so of course the announcers get to save some good ol’ Favretardery for their last hurrah. The Vikings still have a shot at swiping home field advantage from the Saints, which would matter if the Vikings weren’t going to lose their first postseason game anyway.

Here’s the NFL Play 60 ad with Breesus, DeMarcus Ware and Troy Polamalu cavorting and capering on the South Lawn of the White House that will air beginning Thanksgiving weekend. C’mon Troy, I know you have a PCL sprain, but you should be able to cover a middle aged socialist Mooslim.

Here’s other NFL marginalia in bullet form.

In retrospect, it’s really sad we didn’t have a liveblog of last night’s game. Yes, it was one of those grinding low scoring affairs that people who fetishize offense always complain about. But then there were also FIVE CUTLERF*CKER SULKERCEPTIONS! TWO IN THE ENDZONE! A VERITABLE BONANZA OF KKAKE-INFUSED SCHADENFREUDE! And it’s doubly disappointing because we are absolutely committed to not touching the abortion that is the Ravens and the Browns on Monday night (sorry, but we do it out of compassion for our regulars, so they need not feel compelled to tune in) so it looks like we’re on for Carolina and Miami next Thursday. Wait, that’s no good either. I’m not dealing with a third live blog with 50,000 Wildcat jokes in 10 weeks. Screw it, we’ll just do BradyManningfest on Sunday night. Book it.

The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/10/were-you-aware-breast-cancer-is-a-disease-the-nfl-exploits-for-cheap-positive-pr.html/feed 93 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/the-difference-between-jay-cutler-and-tom-brady-one-sulks-the-other-is-a-budding-fashion-icon.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/the-difference-between-jay-cutler-and-tom-brady-one-sulks-the-other-is-a-budding-fashion-icon.html#comments Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:51:50 +0000 Captain Caveman http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=19376

In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.

What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.

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