The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.

What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.

Cutlerf*cker and the Bears defeated the Steelers (THANKS SKIPPY REED!) so he doesn’t really have much reason to sulk, but that doesn’t mean that Cutler can look good even in victory. That’s a decent behind the back helmet save though.

Friendly unsolicited .gif submitter Rafael sent in a few choice oddball moments from yesterday’s action. And we’re all to happy to pass them off as easy post fodder for us. I’ll try to remember that readers sometimes make our lives easier when I’m being bombarded with angry messages during the live blog tonight.

Hiiiiiiiiii guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

One of these tards is doing something different.

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There’s always a towering superstructure of fail to rummage through on any given gameday, but this Garo Yepremian-like fumble throw from Brady Quinn was a clear standout on this Sunday, at least until the Bears took the field, started running fake punts up the middle on 4th and 11 (only to challenge them), and generally having a pickerceptionkkake with a side entree of sulk.

The winners, however, they can’t help but exude a certain bravado (unless it’s Eli). Take Aaron Rodgers. Statistically, he didn’t have a particularly amazing game. But he whiped out Ken’s shoryuken after his winning TD pass to Greg Jennings. That’s enough to make you think to yourself that he deserved it all along.

Even if he was being rooted on by these mutants.

[Thanks to reader Rafael for the Rodgers gif]

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NO! NO! TOO SEXY! TOO SEXY! Don’t tell me Santa Claus, Indiana don’t know style, or else I won’t know what to think of fashion template Jay Danforth Cutlerfu*ker posing soigne-ally for Michigan Avenue Magazine. That’s the look that gets all the teammates to share their wives with you. At the very least, it makes up for having a non-symmetrical face, which Cutler does only because he cries out of one eye. Naturally, thoughts of Cutler turn the mind to sex, so send your sexbag questions to us, unless your genitals have instantly shriveled to nothing after you’ve been consumed with the anxiety that sets in when you realize you must compete for the ladies with this.

While I’m in a reminderin’ mood – Here’s another mention that I’m doing a reading tomorrow evening at Varsity Letters in Brooklyn. Meandering speeches, monotone delivery – my reading’s gonna have it all!

[Cutler story via Deadspin]

Things were looking promising for Denver for about a quarter. Jay Cutler was getting hit on nearly every dropback and Broncos fans lustily cheered IN-COM-PLETE with every one of his miscues. Even Kyle Orton’s numbers were pretty much tantamount to the quarterback he’s replacing. But then Neckbeard left the field in pain on the Broncos final drive before half with what looked like a paper cut and then Cutler led the Bears on a 98-yard scoring drive, culminating with a TD pass to Matt Forte. Oh, and Cris Collinsworth had to detail how Greg Olsen and his wife are the one true Cutlerf-ckers.

Beware those pinpricks, he’s got the McDaniels SuperAIDS!

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Inter-sport Cutler trade is imminent! KSK has learned from sources adjacent to the situation that the Denver Broncos are preparing to pull the trigger on a historic three-team trade that would send quarterback Jay Cutler to the Memphis Moon Grizzles in exchange for small forward Rudy Gay, Space Bear, and the entire staff of 3 Shades of Blue. The rest of the deal involves Washington’s Chris Cooley heading to Denver in exchange for a bag of the Grizzles’ precious moon rocks. Cutler has reportedly signed off on the deal through his agent Bus Cook, and is apparently eager to show everyone in Denver how much stronger his arm is in space than John Elway.

Josh McDaniels: This is disintegrating by the minute. What a disaster. My relationship with my starting quarterback might be strained irreparably. My star receiver almost got charged with disorderly conduct. And our new safety Brian Dawkins already got infected with Power AIDS.

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: Hello?

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask so-

[Coughs]

Ahem.

Hey Josh! This is Chargers GM A.J. Smith. How’s it going, guy? Good to finally chat at ‘cha. Say, I couldn’t help hearing that you were trying to shop Cutler.

McDaniels: As a matter of fact, I have been. Whaddaya have in mind? This mean you’re interested in swapping with Rivers?

Rivers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HO HO HO HO HO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Wipes away tear]

Ooooohhh Josh, Josh. That’s gold, man. That’s a shart and a half. Never knew you were funny like that. Cutler for Rivers? Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast.

McDaniels: So what kind of deal are you trying to set up?

Rivers: Cutler for Tomlinson. Pretty even on team leadership. AND we throw in a 2nd round pick to sweeten the pot. ‘Cause 2nd round picks are the new 1st round picks.

McDaniels: Okaaaaay. That’s decent value, but why would you want another starting quarterback? And what would we do at QB?

Rivers: Here’s the thing: we got Merriman rehabbing, striving to get back in shape for the season, but the guy needs to work on the raping. It’s a real central part of his game. The problems with the knee have made it difficult for him to procure victims to force himself upon, and he really prefers to have his way with a quarterback. Now, we can’t use Rivers for that. Far, far too valuable. And Volek has language in his contract that forbids that. Sneaky Jew agent got us there. We keep trying to sign some practice squad scrub QB for it, but they inevitably get wind of what we’re trying to do before they sign a contract. Plus Cutler has that vulnerable-looking pout that really sets Shawne’s cockteeth on edge. It’s true, he has little teeth in his urethra. Pity the team doctor who discovered that.

McDaniels: And our QB situation?

Rivers: Hey guy, I can’t tell you how to run your team. Since you’re so adamant about having a guy you coached in New England, why not make a play on that Kevin O’Connell fella. He knows the McDaniels Way! Plus, wouldn’t the ultimate imprint on your era be rebuking Shanahan’s philosophy and pick up a feature back?

McDaniels: Dunno, man. Just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for our club right now. Gonna have to pass.

Rivers: JUST SAY YES, YOU LILY-TESTACLED COCKTWEEZER! CUTLERFUCKER’S GONNA BE THE END OF YOU! HE’LL PUT THE SULKFACE CHICKEN WING ON YOUR CAREER! 38 COACHES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, ALL THANKS TO THAT FROWNYFACE TEABAGGER! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

McDaniels: Goddammit, this is Rivers, isn’t it? You little spastic piece of shit, quit wasting my time.

[Hangs up]

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: Hello?

Rivers: JOSH, pally. Lions GM Martin Mayhew here. Straight-up: all our linemen and receivers and entire draft for Cutler. We’re gonna let him run a one-man offense. We’re talking revolutionary shit. How’s about it? Let’s talk deal.

McDaniels: Fuck off, Rivers.

Rivers: STRADDLE SHIT, MCSPANIELS!

[Hangs up]

[Phone rings]

McDaniels: [Aggitated] Hello Rivers.

Rivers: Hi. This is Defense Secretary Robert Gates. We’re out of minesweeping dogs, so we thought we’d use your quarterback instead. ALSO, GET FUCKED! WAY TO RUIN YOUR TEAM A MONTH INTO THE JOB! IT TOOK NORV AT LEAST THREE MONTHS!

Our long-awaited Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown was lacking in histronics or even a competitive game, but nbc was sure to show Jay in all his dour glory. You know, Tony Romo, for all his shower-collapsing antics, gets all the credit for being a December and January choke artist, but Cutlerfucker is every bit his equal in that regard, as Denver is 5-9 the last three Decembers.

After the jump is a little illustarted story to accompany the 30,000 shots of Cutlerfucker moping, with some bonus boobage for your trouble.
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Can Marmalard and his merry band of supersoldiers steal away a division title that looked unimaginable only a few weeks ago? For whatever reason nobody counted on yet another late-season Denver implosion to give them a shot, but here we are. The winner gets to host Indy next week, which means Pey-Pey will be mouthing off to the area hotel staff. Do you really want to subject them to that? My guess is Denver does not.