The late games today give you an excellent excuse to go outside and enjoy the unseasonably warm weather. Marmalard and the Chargers bring their unexpected suckiness to Chicago, where an long lost sulkfaced nemesis awaits, in what is probably the most interesting matchup in the late slate, unless the revival of Chris Johnson continues for a second week in Atlanta.

San Diego @ Chicago ★★★
Tennessee @ Atlanta ★★★
Arizona @ San Francisco ★★
Seattle @ St. Louis ★

Like I said, no one will think you’re a bad football fan if you just turn off the games and head outside.

Jay Cutler is over in England, wowing the media with his indifference.

What’s this, some kind of bat? Fine, I’ll swing it, but I’m doing it left-handed.

Speaking of sticky wickets, continue after the jump for Sexy Friday. Ewwwww.

Enjoy the pictures, but beware, some of these links are NSFW.

Christina Hendricks and whisky? Throw some corgis on that bitch!

I stared at the cover of the new Esquire for a good five minutes at the grocery store last night.

You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.

Words punctuation more words

/passes out

The Lions were once a laughingstock, what with Matt Millen, 0-16, never going to a Super Bowl and employing Scott Mitchell for an extended period of time. Now, with their 4-0 record and a chance to match the Packers as the only unbeaten team in the NFL through five weeks, the Lions are an admirationstock. They have the Silver Crush, which is a stupid nickname for a formidable defensive front. There’s Calvin Johnson, who is going to finish the season with 65 touchdowns. And Matt Stafford has managed to stay healthy for an entire month. The Lions are so exciting that the league is allowing them to occupy the national spotlight for one time other than the annual early game blowout on Thanksgiving. CONGRATS, DEYYYYTWAAAA, FOR SPORTS EXCELLENCE! NO THANKS STILL DON’T WANNA GO THERE! BUT KUDOS!

Naturally, however, THE CURSE OF THE RIVE BROG, will render the Lions attack lifeless, cripple Megatron, get Suh suspended for a late hit and result in a 5-0 Bears victory, with Jason Hanson missing six field goals. Sorry in advance, Detroit.

Their dates were probably dressed like a couple of Ho Hos.

Via Deadspin

It was quite the week for NFL-related errors in newspaper headlines. As you can see above, the Green Bay Press-Gazette misspelled Chicago on its front page, which is either an extremely careless error or a roundabout means of trash talk (“Geddit? Chi-COCK-O!”). This came days after an inattentive copy editor at The Times-Picayune neglected to replace the dummy text in a headline for a story about the Jets-Patriots game last Sunday.

Either that, or the paper distributes a special edition for dyslexics. This would be the version Rex Ryan bought.

The big scandal in the run-up to the NFC championship is that the game will feature Terry McAulay, the head referee of the officiating crew that flagged the Packers an astounding 18 times when the two teams played on Monday night in Chicago in Week 3. Of course, the rest of the ref crew will be different. And, if memory serves, the grand majority of the calls against Green Bay in the first meeting of the season weren’t particularly egregious. Sometimes, it’s possible that one team just committed more mistakes. There’s no rule that infractions and penalty yards need be perfectly level each week. [Gets shouted down by several thousand irate fans screaming about referee conspiracies.]

Oh, and this is pretty badass. Now I finally understand the “Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me” prize of getting Carl Kasell recording your message on your voicemail.

With the two Chads injured, Miami is forced to turn to Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. It’s once again Coastal Carolina’s time to shine! But let’s not downplay the difficulty of the task. How could Thigpen possibly hope to replace the nine touchdowns and 11 interceptions Chad Henne has contributed to this offense? Hopefully it involves raping more skeletons.

Every pundit presumes the Dolphins are going to revert to a Wildcat-heavy offense, which is actually kind of a relief. If you’ve watched any of their games this year, you know how announcers like to breathlessly explain how Miami hasn’t actually used the formation much this year, as though they were the first to strike upon such keen insight.

The Bears, meanwhile, are 6-3 but have only defeated one team with a winning record this year, and that was the Packers in the Monday night game where Green Bay committed something like 56,000 penalties. And if history has taught us anything, this is right around the time of year that Jay Cutler begins to sabotage any hope of his team making the playoffs.

Oh, and because I don’t feel like writing a separate post for it – here’s yet another example of Bill Simmons being a douchetard on television, via PTI today.

Kornheiser asked what to make of Justin Bieber wearing a Yankees hat at a concert in Boston or somesuch shit no one cares about and Simmons said the move was “beatdownworthy.” Of course he did.

“NO LITTLE FACKIN HOMO WIGGAH KID STEALS TAWWMMY BRADY’S TRADEMAHHK HAY-UH AND TRADEMAAHHK YANKEES HATS AND DOES NAWT PAY IN BLOOD! BILLY SIMMONS, BLUEBUG AND THE HOLY CRAWSS POSS WILL BEAT THAT ASS, BEEBAH!”

We got an e-mail yesterday from a guy who claims to work at the writers’ office for the show “30 Rock.” He told us the the writers love the site and occasionally put up KSK posts in the writers’ room. While this is as likely to be true as the times we got e-mails from people relaying first-person accounts of Rex Ryan reading and enjoying Drew’s posts and the fact that Philip Rivers has read the site and hates us, we choose to believe it’s the God’s honest truth. So, to the folks from NBC currently reading: GIVE ME A JOB GIVE ME A JOB RIGHT NOW We appreciate the support.

Anyway, the guy passed along a comedy video that he directed about Chiefs defensive lineman Shaun Smith, he of the Brady Quinn punching and the Anthony Davis in-game groin grab.

This clip of a guy who sounds like Ray Lewis with a lisp narrating his Greg Jennings touchdown on Madden has been making the blog rounds for about a week, but it’s high time we gave it some attention as well. A shame he couldn’t have been in the booth last Sunday when Jennings scored on an 83-touchdown pass against the Dolphins. That would have been a treat. I PUT THE TEAM ON MAH FUCKIN BACK DOH! OH SHIT DARREN SHAWPWAW! That should become one of Ufford’s memes, by the way.

Speaking of Ufford, he passes along a couple Photoshops that reader Aaron sent him based on the post celebrating all of Cutler’s sacks against the Giants.

A 60-year-old man robbed a Manhattan Beach bank on Monday while wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey. He made off with an undisclosed amount of pesos.

Christmas is a time for being stressed out by relatives, with alcohol your only merciful bulwark against madness. Or throwing them the Coach Haley holiday greeting. Already faced with that, you expect us to work too? Not so long as we have good seasonal content to recycle. Feel like bitching? Just be thankful you’re not in Sweden, where those blond assholes go nuts for a stupid cartoon with Donald Duck in the jungle.

Also, George Michael died. No, not that one. Or that one. This one. D.C. mourns its machine.

[Cutlerfuckerville]

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Come this way!

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Playoffs, yay!

[Meanwhile, on forbidding Marmalard Mountain]

[Sounds of packages being floated against the walls and cracks of thunder]

Look at them, all those Jays down in Cutlerfuckerville with their warped warbling. Droopy dregs of humanity with hangdog faces and vaginas where their penises should be. How I loathe their chokery and undeserved 4th seedery. So content are they in backing their way into the playoffs. So oblivious to the fact that the bitching hour is close at hand.

But you see, My Tiny Darren, we’re gonna steal their precious packaged playoffs right out from under their droopy sulkface noses. AREN’T WE?! FUCK AND YES WE ARE! There’ll be no Hochuli to stop us this time! No. Nothing stands in the way of King Laserface’s ascent to the top of the world! SADDLE UP YOU POCKET POOCH IT’S RIDING HIGH TIME!

Oh wow, the playoffs are coming. I’ve never experienced the magic of the postseason before, especially after we screwed the pooch the last two years. I’m like Tony Romo without the smiles.

Oh! What’s that clatter? Must be Santee Claus. I would know coming from Santa Claus, Indiana. I hope he brought me the unearned sense of accomplishment I asked for!

Hey! You’re not Santee! YOU’RE NOT SANTEE AT ALL!

Don’t touch that! That’s my division title! It’s mine! Give it!

Where are you taking me!? IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Settle, settle, widdle inferior quarterback. You’ll have more time to enjoy your Christmas figgy pudding and doodazzlers once I’ve eliminated you from playoff contention. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN TOUGH TITTYFUCK YOU TRAGIC SULKFACE THE CLOWN! THEN I’M GONNA COLD RAPE THE COLTS IN THE POSTSEASON, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY YEAR! I HOPE THE VOLEKTRICITY IS READY! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

[And that's when Marmalard's shriveled boner grew three sizes that day]

A Merry Playoffs to All, And May You All Get Stabbed in Your Sleep By a Marlinspike!

Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

After his three-interception performance against Baltimore on Sunday, Jay Cutler’s season total stands at 25. He’s on pace to throw the most INTs since Brett Favre uncorked 29 in 2005. Jay was kind enough to provide us with an explanation for each of his picks for far. I think we can agree that Jay is just a victim of cruel circumstance.

1. Receiver ran the wrong route.

2. Receiver gave up on the route.

3. Wrong route.

4. Sun.

5. Should’ve been caught.

6. There was mud and stuff on the ball. I asked the ref to wipe it off, but he just acted liked he didn’t hear me.

7. Isidore’s fault. He knows what he did.

8. Leon Hall talked all week about how bad he wanted an interception. Like he’s never even seen one before. I looked him dead in the eye when I threw it. I wanted him to know “See these things you prize more than life itself? I fling them around like they don’t mean a thing.” He acted like he couldn’t hear me, but I could tell he was devastated by my indifference.

9. Christ, I ordered the breadsticks and had them put on my bill—shouldn’t that mean I get one lousy breadstick to myself without having to share with Leopold.

10. Sun.

11. Obvious missed PI call.

12. Sun.

13. Clouds.

14. This ref totally fuckin’ hates me for no reason.

15. Seriously, Isidore. How hard is it to just pick up the fucking phone and call?

16. Wrong route.

17. You can’t go around laying blame for everything single that happens. I feel sorry for you, man. Always trying to compartmentalize everything’s into “Cut’s fault” and “not Cut’s fault.” Fact is, brother, sometimes things just happen that are beyond our control and no one’s to blame. Shit. Just. Happens. Deal with it, man. Oh plus Johnny Knox fell down again for no reason.

18. I completely overthrew this ball. See how I dip my shoulder right at the release? I’ve been making extra throws after practice for a couple of weeks and I think this screw up is a thing of the past. Like I always say, there’s almost nothing that a little hard work, a good attitude and a few more reps can’t fix!

19. “Oh hey I’m Greg Olsen and I’m a fucking dick who always messes shit up for Cut.”

20. Garza just lets his man through unblocked. I think Isidore has been texting him.

21. Tried telling coach this was a bad idea, but he just acted liked he didn’t hear me.

22. Fucking Pixies, man. Been touring again for years now, but still no new record. Fucking cockteases.

23. Should’ve been caught.

24. You have no how hard it is growing up in a town called Santa Claus, Indiana when the very idea of Christmas wants to make me puke my fucking guts out. Every year my parents would give me lots of expensive presents. But nothing can fill this void in my soul. This holiday makes me wish I was dead even more than the rest.

25. Wrong route.