Kissing Suzy Kolber » Cutlerf*cker

LOLNFL Week 4

Unsilent Majority — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:45:35 +0000

Hey Pussy, Sorry About That Time I Called You a Pussy

Christmas Ape — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:29:27 +0000

Brian Urlacher: Hey there, Jay. Can I get a word with you?

Jay Cutler: Huh? Now? Oh, all right Brian. What’s going on? I mean, not that I care. Whatever. Stuff sucks.

Brian Urlacher: Jay, dude, I wanna be straight with you. We gotta clear the air. You’re gonna hear a lot of noise about how I called you a pussy. Bobby Wade is shooting his mouth off. I don’t know if you heard yet.

Jay Cutler: Yeah, people like to lie about stuff like that. I don’t care. I never really believed that anyway.

Brian Urlacher: Well you should, because it’s true. I absolutely called you a pussy on at least two dozen occasions.

Jay Cutler: What?

Brian Urlacher: Oh yeah. Pretty much anytime your name came up, I’d be, like, “You know who’s the biggest gaping gash in the NFL? No contest – Cedric Benson.” But then I’d say you were a close second. Then I’d call my kid a pussy ’cause that’s what the whore I fucked is turning him into.

Jay Cutler: [sighs] So you think I’m a pussy?

Brian Urlacher: Oh, fuck, totally. But here’s my promise to you – I will never again call you a pussy so long as you are the starting quarterback of this football team. And so long as we are in the playoff hunt. Team chemistry is simply too valuable a thing to compromise just to be able to say what everyone is thinking.

Jay Cutler: Why’m I a pussy though?

Brian Urlacher: Oh, fuck, really? We gotta do this? Okay – it’s your pussy haircut, your pussy demeanor, your pussy attitude, your pussy words, your pussy vagina. All of it. It acts bands together to generate an unmistakable presence of twat.

Jay Cutler: [Sulks]

Brian Urlacher: So we cool now? We gonna be okay after this?

Jay Cutler: I guess.

Brian Urlacher: Glad to hear it, faggot. Now get your faggy mopey ass out there and win us some games. [Slaps him hard on back]

Jay Cutler uses big city fame to score internet “celebrity” azz

flubby — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:00:13 +0000

Now that Jay Cutler has pissed and moaned his way out of Denver and into the big city, he is wasting no time before jumping onto some H-list trim. Page Six reports that Cutler was spotted getting ‘faced in a Chicago night club with Julia Allison hugging up on him Saturday night. Readers of KSK might not be familiar with Allison, a Chicago native– and that’s largely to their credit. Allison is the dating columnist turned internet attention hound who appears on dreadful cable news talk shows on the reg. Said an eyewitness:

“He was sitting in a banquette and she was standing between his thighs, touching them and facing him. They were all over each other. It was kind of gross. He was drinking beer all night but she stuck to water.”

Getcha some! Whooooo! Gawker– a regular follower of Allison’s adventures adds:

Per the oversharing queen’s Twitter, we know Allison was showing the new QB her headband at 2 am in one tweet, and then not posting again until 7:35 am the next morning (see below left). “Jay is one of the top 10 quaterbacks [sic] in the NFL,” she wrote a friend. “I didn’t know who he was until last night.” Now she knows him.

For those who think this is post is merely a roundabout excuse to post a picture of this broad in her underwear– congratulation, you are correct…

Even in a solid six looks good in the right lingerie.

When asked what he thought about Cutler’s debut on the Chicago social circuit, fictional former Bears QB Rex Grossman said, “What a joke, first they replace me with a neckbearded drunk, then they bring in a diabetic dipshit who thinks it’s a cool idea to land some wackass congressman’s sloppy seconds. Goddam, you run the Sex Cannon out of town and the whole scene turns to shit. This hayseed can’t even unleash the dragon on a GOOD Chicago internet celebrity.”

A Children’s Treasury of Broncos Fan Angst

Christmas Ape — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:28:55 +0000

Last week, we solicited reactions from “disgruntled” Broncos fans regarding the Cutler-McDaniels saga and the quarterback’s trade to the Bears. And now we will share them with you because we ~~didn’t read half of them~~ found them enthralling. Let the bellyaching and recriminations commence!

Oh, “disgruntled?” You think that’s a good enough word? Cutlersulker may be a crybaby unprofessional dickless Cutlersulker (emphasis on the sulker), but Josh McDaniels is the motherfucking antichrist as far as I’m concerned. He needs to die in a fire yesterday. Jesus FUCKING Christ. And it’s not necessarily about the trade itself that I’m upset about, really. I guess we got pretty OK value… not really. But it’s not horrible. Two of those three first day picks will pan out, and will provide value which ends up being kind of decent. Neckdrunk will be half as good as Cutler. Net effect: probably close to zero. But what has my eyeball veins ready to explode is how McDaniels has walked in here like he’s Dick McHugeballs and just acted like making these moves is no big deal. Shopping a fast-developing local hero for a one season wonder just because he (McDaniels) used to work with said one season wonder? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Not setting things right with said local hero, and instead basically shitting on his face and telling him I don’t care who the fuck he is? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Fucking fuck. Fucking shitfuck. I’m glad he’s established how awesome and smart he is during his first two months of employment. I was really getting worried for a second there that he wouldn’t totally dismantle the team and trade our franchise QB. Assface. The best part for me personally? I went to Notre Dame, and have now suffered through two years of Charlie Weis’s tardfuckery. Thanks, Belichick. Thanks for being such a gargantuan cock-in-the-ass that you not only manage to turn the entire country against your own franchise, but also manage by way of your completely incompetent minions to ruin the two teams I care about most. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. Go tackle a bus, you fun-ruining cuntswabber.

Christ. I hate football.

Any rant about any subject that devolves into a tirade about Bill Belichick is quality in my eyes.

Get the fuck outta here! Really… fucking orton, he’s trash. Cutler was the only good thing going for denver last year… defense sucked… running game sucked… matt prayter… awful, yet cutler got us 8 games. this is utter bullshit.

josh mcdaniels…you have (eddie) royally fucked up the broncos organization…

i hope you choke and die on pat bowlen’s dick

fuck that shit.

really
the bears

da fucking bears
i can’t bear to hear this news

just fucking awful…

why did bowlen have to replace shannahan with this fucking inexperienced punk?

cutler best of luck i hope you blow a lot in the windy city

clitoris dickus

signed
- bronco fan

An example of the very rare no-caps Internet sports rant.

Neckbeard>diabetes.

Try telling that to Michael Silver!

Speaking for the Neckbeard Army — and yes, I’m the pudgy one in the middle of that picture there — tonight is a night of mourning.

Kyle? A villainous Bronco?! [Ed. note: The Broncos and the Bears are rivals now?] Unacceptable. Only thing worse is if he’d become a Cowboy. This is terrible.

All we want is a lovable everyman to root for. And drink in honor of. We know he’ll do his best. But still, we want him off of the Broncos ASAP.

Sail on, brave sailor… and remember: it’s easier to get drunk at a higher altitude!

~ Chris of the Neckbeard Army

Not technically a Broncos fan, but one does not wisely deny the request of white girls throwing gang signs.

What’s up guys,

I must admit, I’m hesitant to drop this little nugget of information on you for fear of what it might do for men’s sex lives everywhere. Some of the information that Crystal’s doc gave her is dead wrong, and I thought I’d do my duty as a good medical student and correct the misinformation. If you have any questions or want any clarification, I’d be happy to help out.

Not only can HPV be transmitted via oral sex, certain strains of the virus can also cause oral or esophageal cancer. The best way to deal with this risk is NOT TO STOP GIVING SWEET, WONDERFUL HEAD. Rather, attenuate your risk by getting one of the HPV vaccines if you’re eligible. The vaccines protect against the viral subtypes most likely to cause cervical, vaginal, anal, and even esophageal cancers.

While the majority of Americans will test positive for HPV by the age of 40, 90% of the viral strains are associated with an extremely low risk of causing cancer. Similarly, very few of the strains cause genital warts, or any symptoms at all. To all the ladies out there, I repeat, DO NOT STOP GIVING BLOWJOBS. Get vaccinated, and get your daughters vaccinated for their sake.

Yours truly,
A soon-to-be dick doc

PS — A few weeks back, some poor sap wrote in saying he was having trouble getting a stiffie for fun times with his lady friend. Your advice of calming down, taking his time, and getting a little drunk was certainly reasonable. However, you might want to warn him that if he doesn’t get over his shyness, he should see a urologist. Psychogenic erectile dysfunction, the medical term for what he’s experiencing, is a very benign, treatable condition. But if it persists for more than two years without treatment, it is very likely to become permanent — so even with Viagra, he’d be left in the lurch.

Wait. How’d that get mixed up in there? Ah well.

I need to vent. I mean, the best and most important player on my team got traded and now all we have is Kyle Orton. Fuck me. In honor of having the Neckbeard, I’m drinking tonight. I have to work tomorrow but I don’t fucking care. It’s not every day that your team gets Kyle Orton for its best player. God damn it.

Chad

I’ll gladly take neckbeard over Cutler at this point. I want someone who wants to play.
A BRONCOS FAN!

Orton wants to play? I was under the impression he was just GONE DRANK!

As a lifelong Denver fan (having had some of the 78 Broncos sign a mini football for me while I was still in the stroller) I’m thrilled that the Bucking Broncs traded Cutler (aka the Whiny Bitch, or WB for short) for two 1st’s, a 3rd and the artist formerly, currently, and futurely (did I just make up a word?) known as the Drunk Beard. See my long form explanation at http://jsrts.blogspot.com. Would love a link, great work you do!

Yes, but did the Broncos run a train on you like they did to Cartman’s mom?

As a lifelong Bronco fan, I come to share this venting and perspective.

When McDaniels was hired, I was fucking pissed off. I hate the Patriots to an unimaginable degree. Whenever people hear how much I hate the Patriots, they can instantly guess that I’m on the drunken downward spiral after breaking up with my girlfriend. No one sober or in a relationship can possibly summon that level of hatred for a sports team. I look like one of those guys screaming and grabbing at the coffin during a funeral riot for an Arab kid shot to death by Israelis. So you can imagine I was upset when they got Belichick’s former gopher to come in here and try to install the Patriot way. FUCK THAT. The best case scenario for this smug little fuck is that we turn into the Patriots West??? Bloodless press coverage, joyless victories, dink and dunk fucking bullshit offense, deception, subterfuge, condescension, arrogance. Holy SHIT. I’d rather the Cos go 8-8 the rest of my life than win a Super Bowl the Patriots way. Not to mention that my ideal coaching hire, call me crazy, was a hard-nose, experienced ass-kicking defensive coach who could come in, install some discipline, turn around the defense, and not screw up the offense. Maybe a harder version of Tony Dungy. So they go bring in this little fuck?? And he tries to trade my 25-yr old franchise quarterback. You got to be fucking kidding me. Cutler is flawed for sure, but he also gives a shit and has all the ability to be a Super Bowl MVP someday. Mistake-prone? Forces things? Sure. But there’s a lot of fucking pressure in knowing that you have to score on EVERY offensive possession because the defense just might give up 50 today. I think in those first few meetings, Cutler could sniff out McDaniels’ bullshit immediately. And maybe Jay was a little hungover or tipsy, and not giving off the best impression himself. But then he got lied to, straight up. I would have bailed on this team too. ANYONE would have done the same thing. You want me to play for this chucklefuck? No. Fucking. Way. Good luck. I’d pack my shit up and move to Detroit rather than play for some smirking weasel fuck who wanted me to throw 5 yard outs all game all the while thinking that Matt Cassel could be doing it better.

What this feels like exactly, is that your parents get divorced. You didn’t have the perfect home by any means, but you were pretty happy, and there was a chance each year would be better than the last. Your parents keep telling you they’d stay together, but then one day, out of nowhere, it’s over. You never even saw them fighting. Now, you got a bunch of brothers and a couple of them hated your dad, but everyone managed to get along. And even those guys who hated your dad, they’re not exactly happy. They really don’t know what to feel. It just all feels so wrong. So now they’re divorced, and your beloved grandfather, who’s never done anything but try to make this family happier, inexplicably hooks your mom up with some asshole of a guy who’s almost your age, saying she needs to get on with her life. And now this asshole is around the house all the time, fucking your mom, loudly, slapping you on the back and calling you “chief” and shit like that, all with a big shit-eating grin on his face. And he starts talking about “our family” and “we” and this and that. And you’re thinking, “listen mutherfucker, you’re not IN this family.” So he starts changing the house around, and it’s okay at first. Then he starts messing with your mom, changing the way she dresses, walks and talks to make her more like his ex-wife. You know this guy’s ex-wife, and she is a known and notorious cunt. So this is a pretty disturbing development. But then, without your permission, he tries to give away the family dog. Now, your dog ain’t perfect, and he ain’t pretty, but he rocks the shit at fetch and you love him. Now this douchebag wants to stroll in, give him away, and pick up some new dog, like a poodle or some gay shit that you definitely DO NOT WANT. Then you get all pissed off when you find out, and he tries to play it off like it didn’t happen and lies about it. But you know, you definitely know, this shady bitch is up to something. So, he finally goes ahead and does it, and instead of a new gay poodle, you get a dog who looks kind of like your old dog, only he can’t play fetch for shit, pisses on the carpet all the time, and smells something awful. To make matters worse, half your brothers start acting like they actually like this new boyfriend, and start talking shit about your old dog and your dad. And new guy starts bringing his kids over to hang out, and all they do is talk about how awesome their dad is. All this ends up splitting your family in half, creating a rift that maybe can never be fixed.

That’s what living in Bronco Land is like right now. 1000 comments a day on the Denver Post stories about this situation, half of them calling Cutler a crybaby and the other half calling McDaniels a douchebag. So, fully half the Broncos fans are going to be cheering this team to 0-16 out of spite, with the other half cheering the Bears to 0-16 out of spite, with only a scant few left to root for the Broncos to have any success.

So now I grit my teeth whenever I see McD and try to smile and pretend like I don’t hate him. Because I can’t abandon this team, no matter how much I want to. But I’ve got to look at that fuck on the sidelines every game, and enjoy watching my team turn into the FUCKING Patriots, only without the success.

And his press conference today, where he only referred to Cutler as “the player”? Oh, Josh, you smug dick you. I’m really going to enjoy this next season listening to more shit like that.

I think if I could just punch him square in the face a couple of times, and yell at Bowlen for about 15 minutes, I could get back on the bandwagon for real. But without that, I’ll be struggling.

And I am rooting for Cutler to do well in Chicago though. Why? Because FUCK Josh McDaniels, that’s why.

There is a part of me that still believes this is some brilliant demonic plan cooked up by Belichick to destroy the Broncos, using his gopher underling. But, hey, maybe we’ll have a good year.

Sincerely,

starksgotejected

/not even gonna pretend like he read all of that

Could This Be the New (Pale) Face of the Washington Redskins?

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:10:32 +0000

I’m sorry, but my only feelings on the potential trade involving Jay Cutler, Jason Cambpell, and a first round pick or three can only be articulated after the jump.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

Dear god, somebody barricade Dan Snyder and Vinny “Sarge” Cerrato in a fucking mineshaft until Jay Cutler is off the trade market. The idea of giving up on Jason Campbell and trading away a first round pick for this Vanderbitch is enough to make me stab a Ravens fan and/or a hobo. Granted, Campbell isn’t one of the league’s elite quarterbacks at this point (and he may never be), but giving up on him now after all the time they’ve put in to making this work is exactly the kind of shit that makes everybody hate this front office.

Instead of going after a bitchass quarterback these assholes need to just calm the fuck down and draft a lineman. It might not be fun, and the press conference might be sparsely attended, but NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS! For the love of God, for once please just make a sound football decision and use the pick to add some depth to the offensive or defensive line (your pick!)

/dick joke