Interchangeable ESPN Anchor: As we know, Panthers receiver Steve Smith will miss training camp thanks to a broken arm suffered while playing in a flag football game. Smith is reported to be out for 10 weeks, but will likely be back in time for the season opener against the Giants. Here to discuss the story is ESPN NFL analyst Cris Carter. How’re you doing today?

Cris Carter: Good, good.

ESPNite: So what do we make of this? Should Steve Smith have been taking part in something like this during the offseason?

Carter: Oh, absolutely not. If I’m Steve Smith, I’m thinking, “what am I thinking?” I am an elite receiver in the National Football League. What am I doing putting himself in a position where I endanger a season, or even my career? Why am I playing games for free? I am a professional athlete. I say save that stuff for when I’m retired.

ESPNite: You’re saying players shouldn’t take part in other athletic endeavors outside of practice?

Carter: [Condescending laugh] Just look at we got this offseason: We got Ryan Clady, HURT. We got Steve Smith, HURT. Those are core players on their teams now missing time because of mindless exercise. I mean, you get hurt in practice, can’t nobody say nothing. That’s practice. That’s part of what you do. But outside stuff? Careless.

ESPNite: So, what then? Players take part in practice and otherwise go about their everyday life without exertion?

Carter: That’s not going nearly far enough. If you are out in public, if you are doing THINGS, then you are subject to injury. Careless, stupid injury.

I’m talking immobilizing yourself. I’m talking getting a padded cell and manacling yourself to the walls. You have one of your boys show up every so often to feed you your three squares. If you he suggests anything other than plastic silverware, you need to cut that man off. He is detrimental to your life as an NFL star.

ESPNite: What of muscle atrophy? Wouldn’t prolonged non movement lead to that?

Carter: Look, I’m not a science doctor. I’m here telling you how I would go about avoiding serious injury. What are we talking about? We’re talking about NFL players getting hurt doing THINGS. Do we have players sidelined because of muscle atrophy? I don’t hear of any. Must be all right, then. Atrophy is just a media created boogie man. It’s the doing things that will get you. I mean, if I were in the NFL right now, I wouldn’t even pick up a newspaper that had serif font. Those things is pointy. Liable to punch yo’ damn eye out.

ESPNite: Okay. Would you care to comment on this file photo we have of you playing a pick-up basketball game when you were with the Eagles?

Carter: Well, that’s a different era, man. We just did things different. If we had known what we know now, I probably would have done things different.

ESPNite: Like what?

Carter: Like not broached this argument.

[Phone rings]

Bonita Favre: Yellah?

Cris Carter: Hello.

Bonita Favre: Dis the man from the county?

Cris Carter: No, ma’am. This is Cris Carter calling from ESPN.

Bonita Favre: ESPN with the county?

Cris Carter: I’m not a government employee, Mrs. Favre.

Bonita Favre: Figures. I been asking them to get their spirit chasers down here to clear my property for nigh on 35 years and ain’t heard but nothing. So what is it you be wantin’ then?

Cris Carter: I’m calling in regards to your son. There have been reports that he is going to sign a one-year contract with the Minnesota Vikings.

Bonita Favre: Well knowing Brett, he’s probably lying.

Cris Carter: Do you know what for a fact?

Bonita Favre: Fact? HA! Hell, son, I know Brett. I birthed me a liar, knowned it since he asked for right tit and bit the left. That boy loves him some tall tales, boy howdy. There was this one time he and the minister’s boy, they got it into their heads that they was gonna skip Sunday School to go round the fishing hole. ‘Course it didn’t take minister long to realize his own son wasn’t around the church. They caught up with them boys and guess what that rascally son of a gun Brett told him?

Cris Carter: So, do you know if he signed with the Vikings or not?

Bonita Favre: Brett said, “Father, the good Lord came to me in my breakfast cereal and he told me ‘go have fun out there.’ And that’s what I was aiming to do. Now, you could find cause to punish me, but in the end, you’d only be countermanding the will of our Lord.

Cris Carter: Uh huh. I really only need to confirm this story with you.

Bonita Favre: What a yarn that was! ‘Course Brett did catch four fish that day and even left one of them under a pew. OOOO-WEEE! Made that place stink to high Heaven.

Cris Carter: GODDAMMIT YOU ASS-BACKWARDS DRIED OUT OLD BIDDY, DON’T YOU KNOW I’M FROM THE PROJECTS! You know what? Fuggit. We’re already stalking his car by plane and satelitte photography. There, okay, good, I’ve heard we got a visual.

Bonita Favre: Oh, just relax a lil’, would ya? You media folk are so simple. He told me he wanted to go to the Vikings ever since before he ever left Green Bay. Fact is, he gonna be starting the end of this week.

Cris Carter: Who would you know that?

Bonita Favre: You think me boy would ever keep something from me?

Cris Carter: But you just called him a liar.

Bonita Favre: Is you thick or something? Now get one of them men from the county to call me back. There’s apparitions all about!

Oh, so that’s what it stands for.

[ thx to The Sport Daily ]

[Phone rings]

LEITCH: This is Will.

CRIS CARTER: What the fuck is up with these cats, man?

LEITCH: Wha…what are you talking about?

CRIS CARTER: There are these two cats…well hold on…maybe, maybe it’s one cat. I don’t know. But the words on the picture say Time Travel Cat Almost Creases Paradox? What the fuck is a paradox, man?

LEITCH: That’s not my site, Cris. I didn’t have anything to do with that site.

CRIS CARTER: You think this shit’s funny? This ain’t funny.

LEITCH: Cris, I’m not laughing at all.

CRIS CARTER: And how did you get that cat to travel back in time? Motherfucker, if you’re sending cats back in time, bitch, you better TELL ME.

LEITCH: Cris, I write for one blog. It’s not about cats. I have no insight into time travel.

CRIS CARTER: And then I saw you and your friends running through a forest and you used your magic powers to bomb somebody’s funeral? Why the fuck would you do that, man?

LEITCH: What the fuck are you talking about?

CRIS CARTER: You think that shit’s funny? That ain’t funny.

LEITCH: Cris, I write for one blog. It’s not about cats. I have no insight into the dark arts.

CRIS CARTER: And like the last two message board posts I couldn’t even read. And what’s up with that Scatman song? That song ain’t worth a shit, you know what I’m sayin’!

LEITCH: Cris, I gotta go.

CRIS CARTER: Don’t you hang up on me, motherfucker! I wanna know about this girl that’s crying about Britney Spears!

LEITCH: That’s not a girl. Goodbye.

CRIS CARTER: Motherfuck–

>click.<

LEITCH: Wow, what an asshole.

(Oh, if you haven’t seen this or this, or heard about this, you probably didn’t get this, and need to spend more time online and less time hanging out with those damn friends of yours. -PUNTE)