Oh my god oh my god oh my god! It’s happening! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!

After waiting 16 years, Brett is finally coming to my home state! No more long distance relationship! No more driving hours and hours in the middle of the night to quench my insatiable butt-lust! I just… I can’t believe it. Pleasure overload! Pleasure overload! My God, WHAT DO I WEAR WHEN HE ARRIVES!

(rifles through closet)

Hmmm… the pencil skirt? Too prudish. The brum? (NSFW) Too weird. Oh, I know… the stockings! Stockings and a full-length mink coat for my Bretty! B-b-b-b-Bretty and the Jets!

I can’t believe we’re finally going to be together EVERY DAY. I’m gonna spend the night at his apartment all the time. There are so many things we’re going to be able to do. We can go have dinner in the city. We can go have weekends in the country. We can fuck like animals. It’s gonna be amazing.

I gotta get ready! Better call my wife…

Wife: Hello?

It’s over, dear. I’m so sorry. But Brett is here now. THE BUTTHOLE WANTS WHAT IT WANTS!

I‘m also gonna have to break it off with Tony, Tom, and Peyton. God, I hate doing that. I just loved the way Tony smiled. But I want Brett to know I’m a one-QB journalist! We’re finally going exclusive! I can’t wait to take him to my kid’s first softball game. I can’t wait to show him my garden. I can’t wait to sit with him on the train and bitch about the fact that there are people sitting around us. I can’t wait to grade lunches with him. I can’t wait to feel his manly stubble tickling my ball bag.

I’m gonna bring him over to the NBC set all the time. Collinsworth will be SOOOOO jealous. And I’m totally going to have lunch with him every day at Quizno’s. MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB WITH JETS AND WE CAN WORK TOGETHER!

God, I hope he moves in. Keep your fingers crossed! I know he’s tough to pin down, especially on the bathroom floor. But I think this marks a real turning point in our relationship. I think he’s finally ready to take this things to the next level. God, I can’t wait to have little gunslinger babies with him! I’m so in love!

I’M SO HAPPY NOW! I LOVE MY BRETT!

How dare you, Brett Favre.

How dare you.

I spend 15 years by your side. Defending you. Protecting you. Holding you close to my ample bosom after a loss.

And then this.

How dare you betray me like this, Brett Nathaniel Marmaduke Favre. I gave you ALL MY LOVE. And then you turn around and give your retirement announcement to this, this, this fucking SEA HAG!

The fact that you ignored me hurts, Brett. But I never thought you’d leave me for a WOMAN, you heartless bastard. A fucking Botox-stuffed floozy! You told me you were through with the ladymeat. AND I BELIEVED YOU! WE MADE LOVE UNDER THE OLD MAPLE TREE IN HATTIESBURG LAST WEEK AND IT MEANT NOTHING TO YOU!

What’s so great about this Van Susteren girl, huh? Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you… in… a theataahhhh? Does she speak eloquently? Would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother.

In case you can’t tell, I’m being angrily sarcastic. THAT GIRL IS A WHORE!

After all I’ve done for you. The times I covered up your alcoholism. The times I glossed over your horrible play. The times I killed those stories about you fucking half of Atlanta.

The time I let you use the speculum on me.

I hate you, Brett Favre. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

You made a big mistake, jerk. Hell hath no fury like a King scorned.