Man, it’s already primary day n’at. Gotta head dahntahn. Who yinz votin’ fur? I’ve been tinkin’ real hard ahn this one, but I just can’t decide if I should vote for dat skinny black kid or dat scary-looking white dude.

(eats tray of macaroni and cheese using small shovel)

I mean, I kinda like dat black kid. I’ve never hoid a blackie talk like that. Sometime I tink he’s just a white guy who got lost in a coal mine for, like, a real long time. But den I see him ahn Oprah, and he starts with the “urban” talk, like “Yo go girl!” n’at. I don’t really like that. Why can’t dey talk normal likes us folks?

I already kinda daw-out whether the skinny black guy can do it. I voted for Swannie for governor and he didn’t win. If Swannie can’t do it, Stallworth probably couldn’t. And if Stallworth couldn’t, Yancey Thigpen would prawbably be hard-pressed. If so, this guy is just jaggin’ us around.

Yinz think they let you drink Ahrns in the voting booth?

(eats large plate of fatback, offers you some)

Did jeat yet? Jeat? Yo man, you gotta try dis. It’s like the best part of bacon! Only bigger! Anyways, I kinda like dat black kid. But I dunno, he seems awfully smart. And dose smart people, they always tink they’re better dan folks like me. I mean, I put my pants on one size-72 leg at a time. I bet dis black kid don’t. I bet he got some fancy-ass, pants-putting-on machine. The kind they give out at Harvard. I don’t like people like dat. Dey’re not real.

(drinks liquefied ham sandwich)

Den again, he seems like an okay guy. He says folks like me are bitter. And dis is true. I am bitter. BITTER THAT THOSE STUPID FUCKIN’ JAGUIRES TOOK OUT MY BELOVED STILLERS! DAT’S NOT A REAL TEAM! WHERE’S DA HISTORY?! So yeah, he was kinda right dere. I’m so pissed about that loss, I just wanna go shoot someone in the name of Jesus.

Den again, that little blackie can’t bowl! I don’t trust no one dat can’t roll. If you’re gonna come to Picksberg, you better be ready to bowl. Dat guy on dat 9/11 plane was. He said, “Let’s roll,” den came right here to Pennsylvania. Dis is where folks wanna bowl. That Yomama guy sure did bowl like a fairy. And I can’t vote for a fairy. Black is okay. But a black fairy? Dat’s like, tree strikes. Get aht tahwn, jagoff!

(folds entire Papa John’s pizza in half, eats in one bite)

I need a candidate whose gahn deal with the shit I need to get done. I want a president whose gahn make sure I can always drive my truck 100 mph down the PA turnpike and run smaller cars off da road. I need a candidate who’s gahn make sure those crazy immigrants don’t take my job, or any of this delicious blueberry pie!

(buries face in pie)

I dunno if little Urkel’s gonna do all dat. Also, he might be a terrorist.

But he might be better dan dis guy!

Hoooooo! Dat is one scary lookin’ white dude! I saw him at our bar just da other night. He had dis scary face and really HUGE ass. I mean, I seen some big asses in my day. But you could hit golf balls against dis one! I mean, he’s all right. He sounds like he’s one of us. My boy Jeff did two shots with him. Then, he threw a dart right in that ass. The dude didn’t even blink! Dat’s pretty good, if you ask me.

(eats emporer-sized PayDay bar)

Plus dis white guy likes to shoot guns. And I like to shoot guns, too! We got so much in common like dat! Not like dat Harvard guy. Plus, I kept asking dis guy what he was gonna do for me. Was he gonna help cut out a larger doorway in my house? Was he gonna lower all those taxes I pay? I paid, like, $15 last year! Bull shit! Was he gonna widen da highways so I can swerve all over da road like I love to do? Was he gonna nuke da crazy out dem towelheads?

And he said yes, he would! Dat’s good stuff.

Den again, he’s got one weird voice. I feel like I’m at da zoo whenever I hear dat shit. It makes my penis stop working.

Da real question dough is, which one of dese guys likes da Stillers most? Dat’s what’s really what matters to me most. IIIIIIIII GOT A FEEEEEEEELING PICKSBERG’S GOING TAH THE SOOPER BOWL!

Bring it in, gentlemen. Bring it in. I know I don’t usually address the team, but Coach Marinelli and I thought the occasion called for it. I wanted to look each of you men in the eye and let you know just how proud I am of you. That was a tremendous loss out there on Sunday. I’ve been a part of some really big losses ever since I got here, but this one was a real statement loss. It’s the kind of loss I think we can really not build on for the future.

You men surrendered your guts out there the other day. You left none of it out on the field. And I couldn’t be happier. When I got here a few years ago, I promised Mr. Ford that I would build him a loser. I even promised that within five years we would not win a championship. And you men have helped me keep that promise. You didn’t not back down from the Cowboys. You took the fight miles away from them. I’m especially proud of you, Jon Kitna. You sir, have the heart of a basement dweller.

But we can’t take this loss for granted. If we want to keep losing, we’re going to have to slack harder than ever. I’m talking about coming in late and leaving early EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s what sets the foundation for losing tomorrow and in the future. I’m proud of how far you men haven’t come. When it comes down to it, you had an early season riddled with winning, but like all dreadful teams do, you found enervating, frustrating ways to shit the bed down the stretch. It was hard, but you overcame the urge to overcome. Goddamn, I love you guys so much, I want to fuck up your taxes for you.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Great loss. You guys have really not turned things around. I think we’ve got a real nondescript group of guys here. So let’s just keep it stopping. STOP LIONS!

Okay, men. Back to practice. I have to go clog the toilet.