It’s probably premature to be discussing Madden NFL 12 amid all of the lawsuits and injunctions that we just know aren’t going to be in that year’s game, but there’s one new “feature” coming out that, in its own special way, kinda p:sses me off. In the new game, players will be able to get concussions during games, and will not be able to return, as players with other injuries could.

I know what you’re thinking: you’re worried about all of those other video game athletes that hadn’t paid attention to the new information in the news about head injuries in football. Whatever happened to those poor sets of pixels that continued to “play” through their “head” “injuries” in games of yore? Did they just wander over to “Hospital Tycoon” and run up a bunch of medical debt?

This really should not be that big a deal. Even players in this year’s game got career-ending concussions, and most of us can even shut injuries off entirely. The effect on the game-as described in the post-will be minimal. So why make a big deal about it now?

But this really just feels like another battle in the showdown between the “new math” camp and the Let’s Just Make Everybody Play Touch Football set. It’s a slice of PR wedged into our regular entertainment, and I have mixed feelings about that. Nobody could dispute that fewer concussions–and better attention to those that do happen–would be better for the game. And while big hits in football are enjoyable and awesome, watching a guy die on the field would probably be the opposite of that.

But the talk of “culture change” in football is like a bad joke, and adding the punchline into the NFL’s video game franchise doesn’t improve the punchline. Could this be the beginning of a trend? Will we have warning messages in future Call Of Duty games regarding gun safety? What about practicing safe coitus in The Sims? Will we be instructing players in future Super Mario Bros. installments to NOT CLIMB THROUGH THE PIPES IN THEIR HOUSE?

Concussions are bad. We get it. Some players decide to put their lives in their own hands and play through concussions. We get it. Former players often suffer brain damage even if repeated head trauma wasn’t terribly severe, and even suffer dementia and die.

We don’t need this message beaten into our brains any more than we already have. Pun intended.

And it’s even worse since there’s plenty of other shit to fix in that game. What about that kickoff animation that looks like something out of Black Swan? That kicker doesn’t need a tee, he needs a tutu. Make GameFlow mandatory on first and second downs for online play in the first three quarters (how does it save me any time IF NOBODY ELSE USES IT). And the presentation still pales in comparison to NFL 2k5. GET YOUR LITTLE NERDY ASSES IN GEAR, TIBURON! DO NOT FAIL ME AGAIN!

While the series has been successful in promoting the identities and properties of the league, the Madden games, above all else, are entertainment. Extending the facade of head safety to my Xbox won’t change the attitudes about real-life players, but it might be enough for me to give “Backbreaker” another look. The NFL and EA both have plenty of more important things to clean up in their respective backyards. They should start there.

People seem to think I have some kind of personal vendetta against Vince Young. Some might even say I have a bizarre obsession with making sure he fails as both a player and as a human being. But that’s not true. I’m an analyst. I’m paid to be critical. If that leaves me open to second-guessing, so be it. I can’t worry about that. All I can tell you is that, in my objective analysis, Vince Young is a closeted gay coward who still sucks on his mother’s floppy old titties for nourishment.

Again, I have nothing personal against Vince Young. I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice fellow. I’m also quite sure that, anytime something doesn’t go his way, he runs home to his mother, straps on a custom size 10 Huggies Overnight, drops a watery stool in his pants, and then nestles in his mother’s ample bosom like the little fucking bitch he is.

I also heard he’s a bedwetter. I spoke with Jeff Fisher before Young was drafted and he was adamant that the team NOT draft Young, because they learned in interviews that Young not only pissed his bed, but that he would pee in his bed even BEFORE he went to sleep, because it helped “protect him from all the ghosts”. That’s why he has that rubber fitted sheet clause in his contract. It’s also why no Titans want to room with him on the road. I heard his teammates hate him. I heard they wanted to gang rape him in training camp to “put him in his place.”

You know what else Vince Young did once? He beat a kid to death with a rock. No joke. The kid made fun of the way Vince threw the ball, so Vince went and grabbed this rock that was lying around. Then he just bashed the kid’s head in with it, until pieces of his brain were falling out and stuff, and then he left him in a ditch. I said this when he was drafted. I knew it. Why didn’t anyone else heed my warnings? That I don’t know. Again, I have no problem with Vince Young. Except that he fucks dogs.

Did I mention he’s a terrorist? Well, he is. I don’t think he’s happy just to destroy the Titans organization. No, I think he wants to wreak havoc on a global scale. Think about it. Infantile mind. Coddled by his nutjob of a mommy. Blames others for his shortcomings. Tall. Who does that remind you of?

Fucking Osama bin Laden. This kid is not ready to play in the National Football League, but I do believe he is ready to plot with several other terrorist masterminds to bring down planes or release biological weapons into a mall and/or subway tunnel. Don’t think he isn’t capable of it. Like I said, I mean no harm. I just think he’s a cock-guzzling momma’s boy who murders children and wants to end the world as we know it. NO ONE KNOWS HOW VINCE YOUNG’S MIND WORKS EXCEPT FOR ME! I KNOW WHAT HE’S CAPABLE OF! I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIM FROM OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE EVERY DAY FOR OVER FIVE YEARS! I’VE ROOTED THROUGH HIS TRASH! I’VE MASTURBATED TO HIM WHILE IN THE STUDIO! I’VE CUT THE BRAKES ON HIS CAR A FEW TIMES!

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME! I TOLD YOU HIS FOOTWORK WAS SLOPPY! NOW I’M TELLING YOU HE WANTS TO BURN OUR OIL FIELDS AND SELL US TO CHINA! DON’T THINK VINCE YOUNG CAN’T DO IT! SPEAKING OBJECTIVELY, VINCE YOUNG IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND A POX ON OUR ENTIRE SPECIES! IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE KILLED HIM NOW TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER HARM! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

NO! NOT THE PADDY WAGON AGAIN! MY MIND IS JUST FINE! IT’S VINCE YOUNG THAT’S SICK IN THE FUCKING HEAD, I TELL YOU!