Welcome to another glorious Friday on the internet. For today’s commenter mock draft we’ll be examining the most badass characters in film. Specifically you’ll be drafting the one movie character you’d want to have your back in a street fight. For the sake of the draft we’re limiting the scope to flesh-and-blood humans who lack super-powers. So if you were to draft the Terminator, for example, I would not hesitate to edit your comment to make you look like a filthy pedophile. I’m tough, but completely unfair. Note: Once someone is selected all of the actor’s other characters are off teh board.

I’ll get the ball rolling with the first pick, Jason Bourne. He can take anybody apart with ease, and I don’t have to worry about him snapping like John Rambo.

Add your picks in the comment section, but remember to play by the fucking rules. Oh, and thanks to reader Zach for inspiring this week’s topic.

The news today, besides John McCain picking some Alaskan woman as his veep (We get to blame women for spoiling the election! Everything that goes wrong the next four years will be their fault!), is that Chad Johnson has legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco. Because he’s 17 different kinds of cray-cray.

However, wacky names are no longer solely the providence of hippies, celebrities and the generally coke-addled, because you – yes you, generically named reader – get to pick an amusing sounding but totally nonsensical appellation. For life!

This, the final commenter draft of the off-season, is dedicated to what name you would legally change your name to. It can be zany, awesome or it can even be a name already taken by a public figure. Carry out horrific acts and despoil their good name!

My opening pick: Cocknballs Hussein Von Rapesalot

Nobody’s ever mistaking my lunch order again!

I guess I should preface this by saying that, sincerely, I’m not a fascist person. I think a world where everyone is doing their own thing can wonderful, and can enrich everyone. It’s been said that our flaws are what make us beautiful, and no statement rings truer in my dainty ears.

That said, there are a bunch of assholes out there ruining this place for the rest of us. And most of those fuckheads are men. Yes, it’s regrettable that women out there have rights and stuff now. But that doesn’t grant you license to drag your feet through life like a little girl who just had her favorite doll chopped up in the lawn mower. Next time, don’t leave it laying in the yard, you big sissy.

YOU’RE A FUCKING MAN! Act like it. We’re all in this shitstorm together. If one of us fails in upholding the standards of manhood that took literally thousands of years to establish, WE ALL FAIL. No man is a fucking island. Yes, it’s a burden being the only gender that actually takes life seriously. If it was easy, anyone could sew on a dick and do it.

And that brings us to the scenario for this week’s Mock Draft…

A new dictatorship has just taken over America. And instead of this new government deciding to burden you with the complex annihilation of specific civil liberties (and the moral implications involved therein), the new regime has given you the easy job: refining the stronger half of the human race. You’re selecting one attribute or act that would identify any man half-assing his way through mandom. Anyone seen on the street engaged in this act will be hauled off and put out of his misery, thereby putting us out of ours. Anything that YOU identify as a red flag is in play.

(And please leave your historical precedents at the door; we’re just picking stuff that annoys us.)

My first selection is any man with an earring.

This isn’t even “rebellious in a conformist sort of way” anymore. It’s like stapling a dick to your face. What could this possibly add to your self image? “Dude, check it out! HOOPS!” Get fucked, Jo-Jo. Off to the guillotine with your sorry ass.

You’re in charge now. You know the rules. Get to work.

What gets lost in this festival of rancor are (What? Love? The fuck is that?) those people you hate deeply and irrationally, whereas the consensus of them is frustratingly positive. These are people (Tina Fey) that everyone seems to love and, on the surface, seem decent enough but just happen to rub you the wrong way (Tina Fey) to the extent that you’d like to cast them into the most gator-filled pond you can find. (The gators have a taste for female comedians also).

These need not be sports figures, per se. I find it’s not difficult to find easy justification to hate an athlete. Maybe they don’t exhibit outward obnoxiousness, but do they play for your favorite team? No. Welp, there you go. I justified my hatred of Marcus Allen for years with that one.

My opening pick: Mary J. Blige. (Tina Fey is too easily justified)

Good gracious, this woman is a warbling bag of annoying. “Family Affair” just won’t leave the goddamn radio, will it? Yes, Mary, I have plenty of hateration. And I don’t even have to go to a fucking dancery to have it either. What was that album called? “No More Drama”? Nice away message for 6th grader. DIE.