This weekend, the Patriots are playing the only team in the NFL that could possibly make me root for them, the Purplish Carrion Crows of Deepest Rottencrotch (Officially: Lord Baltimore’s seaside queef depot).

P-Drizzle, so jovial

So it would be the ideal time for me to admit that for the past few months I’ve been seeing a girl who’s (GASP!) a Boston fan. Me! The guy who hates Boston sports teams so much! It’s like I’m actually able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)! Me! The guy who usually isn’t able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)!

Luckily, she doesn’t understand football nor does she care at all about the game. This might otherwise be an issue, but is fantastic in this circumstance because her not caring is the only thing keeping her from being a Patriots fan.

(She does actually own a Tedy Bruschi jersey and threatened to wear it to my D.C. book reading. Or just wear it at all. In response, I vowed to visit swift death upon her, which was a surprisingly effective deterrent. Try that one in the future, you guys)

Granted, I still have to put up with (if she’s reading, that means ADORE) the SAWX stuff, but I don’t particularly care about baseball and it’s fun to go to Nationals games and laugh at how she fumes when the Nats play “Sweet Caroline” during pitching changes (”THAT’S OW-UH FACKIN SONG! NO ONE DENIES THIS! EVERYONE HE-UH IS A FACKIN COWPYCAT! THEY AH-RUNT BAHSTONISH ENOUGH!”).

Plus she frequently and openly admits that no one cared about the Pats until they started winning titles, and she gets irritated whenever she talks with someone from back home in Boston who brings up the Patriots while the Red Sox are still playing (”They never used to do that before!”).

So keep reinforcing all the negative stereotypes I have of Bawston football fans, honey, and we’ll get along just fine.

Anyway, your Meast this week is the Detroit Lions. Yes, all of them. Because they won a game, you see. So good job, Larry Foote, er, I mean, everybody! Also, Matt Stafford has fine taste in skanks.

And thank goodness the Lions won, because otherwise we’d be forced to give the Meast to goddamn Peyton Manning. Not that I hate the guy (I don’t) but of all the homer commenters who vent on this site, Colts fans are by far the most annoying dribblecunts when in comes to lobbying for their cherished Fetus Head to win our pointless and arbitrary weekly award.

“Hey, why didn’t you make Peyton the Meast? He only threw for 300-plus yards on four pass attempts, while the offense only had 17 seconds overall in time of possession. He totally makes up for the fact that our run defense couldn’t stop any random running back from averaging six yards per carry.”

“Did you see how funny those ads Pey-Pey has with Justin Timberlake? He makes the people around him funnier! I wonder if Justin does a Dallas Clark impression! Make Peyton the Meast this week and every week! Even during the off-season!”

The last thing I want to do is encourage – or even placate – these raving dipshits, so thanks Lions. You’re the bestest. (But seriously though, don’t be the bestest in Week 5)

Our Least this week could not reasonably be awarded to one hapless individual, so we have riven the dishonor in twain to bestow it upon Jim Zorn, whose random acts of fuckwittery cost his team a game to the fucking Lions, and Jake Delhomme, who will lose to everybody until he is mercifully benched or shot. They also make a fine pair because they’re cornball assholes who aw-shucks their way through sucking.

Hey, look, another Downfall parody! No one in the sports blogosphere ever does that! I guess this one’s different because Redskins fans have Hitler represent their team’s Jewish owner. Oopity!

Someday in near future, when Will Leitch cashes in on his lucrative raisin futures, I hope he will purchase the foundering Jaguars, relocate them to Mattoon, rename them the Fiddlesticks, and fill the roster with nothing but players incapable of or unwilling to swear properly.

Jim Zorn will be their coach. Jake Delhomme will be their quarterback. A bunch of other dithering white players will handle the rest.

[Sideline reporter talks with hollow-eyed Leitch, who watches his team trail 132-0 with 8:31 remaining in the 1st quarter]

Leitch: “Aw cramblebit stew! We almost forced ‘em into a second down on that series! Heavens to Willie McGee, I believe this stratagem was ill-conceived!”

Chris Matthews: Wow, what an amazing day. We’ve got TWO enormous primaries going on. Indiana and North Carolina. Lots of big, big delegates up for grabs. The impact of what happens today is gonna reverberate ALL across the country. You know… this is amazing! This is REALLY amazing! Ya gotta love it! Howard Fineman of Newsweek joins us now. Hey Howard…

Howard Fineman: Yes?

Chris: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

Chris: Yeah, but can’t you just see Obama as the cocky young quarterback, who isn’t favored to win, but finds himself with a giant lead at the half? Only now he’s just trying to hang onto that lead, while the original favorite storms back and makes him sweat a little? Huh? I think he’s just like that. Don’t you think he’s like a football UNDERDOG here? A football underdog who kinda becomes the favorite, only to slip a little and therefore regain his underdog status? Isn’t he kinda like a slightly favored underdog?

Howard: What?

Chris: And can’t you see Hillary Clinton as the savvy veteran coach over on the other sideline? And she’s been through THE WARS! I mean, she’s seen it all! And now this young upstart throws her off at the beginning, so now she has to use all her wiles to get her team back in it? Don’t you think? You know, I think she’s just like Weeb Ewbank!

Howard: I don’t really see the connection.

Chris: I mean, isn’t this just FASCINATING! I think it is absolutely FASCINATING! The twists. The turns. Just a RIVETING five months. Don’t you think?

Howard: No, not really. I think many people found it interesting the first week or so, but would now happily mash their testicles in a garlic press rather than have this god-awful slog carry on one excruciating day longer.

Chris: It IS great, isn’t it? Say, don’t you think Obama supporters are just like Jacksonville Jaguars fans? I mean, they’re new to the whole football-slash-politics thing, BUT THEY LOVE IT! Then reality sets in a bit, and they kind of have to weather the storm. And they say, “Hey wait a second! This isn’t fair!” But then they figure it out it’s just HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED! Don’t you think Barack Obama is just like David Garrard?

Howard: Who?

Chris: Let’s bring on Tim Russert here. Tim, don’t you think this election is just like a great FOOTBALL GAME?

Tim: You said it. A real barnburner, Chris.

Howard: Jesus.

Tim: You know, it reminds me a lot of when my dad, BIG RUSS, and I watched Bills games together. Just one of those real back-and-forth games. You had Jim Kelly, the great, All-pro quarterback. And you had Thurman Thomas, the wonderful running back. Those were real competitions. And that’s what we have here. A REAL competition. With Barack Obama, whose this sort of great, unpolished talent. Very much like Vince Young, the quarterback down in Tennessee.

Chris: I agree. I think he’s just like Vince Young, right down to the gay throwing motion. This REALLY is astounding. I’ve always said politics is just like football, and it’s showing here.

Tim: Actually Chris, you have deviated from that platform on occasion. I have a quote here that YOU gave to MSNBC just two months earlier where you said, quote: “I think this election is just like a GREAT HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING MATCH,” unquote. So you said boxing match back then, and now you’re saying football. How do you reconcile those two positions?

Chris: HA! That’s amazing, Tim! God, you’re just like a GREAT TENNIS PLAYER! Always volleying back and forth with all kinds of moves. It’s amazing! Let’s bring on Senator Clinton here for a moment. Senator Clinton, don’t you think you’re just like BILL BELICHICK? Always scheming, sort of seeking out that winning edge any way you can find it? In fact, don’t you and your husband combine to represent Belichick perfectly, with your knack for evil plotting and your husband’s penchant for hot cougar tail?

Clinton: I don’t really know about that, Chris. All I really know is that we’re gonna need someone who is ready to lead this country, someone with over 35 years of experience. I also know that Jeremiah Wright is the sort of dangerous, untamed black man who could single handedly destroy this nation with his bare hands, and that his Unruly Negro Disease could have been passed on to Barack Obama at any point during his 20 years in the church. And I think white people in rural areas really need to think about that.

Chris: Omigod, Jeremiah Wright! He’s incredible. Don’t you think he’s EXACTLY like Terrell Owens? Always coming by to throw a monkey wrench into the team chemistry?

Clinton: Yes, that’s an excellent analogy.

Tim: And John Edwards kinda looks like a young college basketball coach.

Chris: Let me ask you both. Don’t you think John McCain is just like Tom Coughlin? With the all the pent-up anger and what not?

Howard: Christ.