Cashier: Okay, sir. You ordered the double bacon cheddar char angus burger with triple mayo, mac and cheese bites, extra large waffle fries, two parfaits and an apple pie. Is that correct?

Derek from Muncie: I think so, but did you do the bun like I asked?

Cashier: We don’t allow modifications to the menu items, sir. Besides, I’m not sure what you were referring to.

Derek: [Whips cut-out picture from wallet]

This! Grilled cheese for buns!

Cashier: I see. Well, it’s like I said: if it’s not already included as a menu item, I don’t think we can add that for you.

Derek: They have it at Friendly’s though.

Cashier:I’m sorry, sir. We don’t offer that specific menu item here.

Derek: But Friendly’s doesn’t have drive-thru and I don’t want to eat alone in the restaurant like a strange person. Look, shouldn’t you be taking the best practices of other places and applying it to your food? You could be getting tons of business you weren’t before.

Cashier: That’s not my decision to make, sir. Now, your total is -

Derek: Fine. Listen: whatever the total is, I’ll give you an extra $10 dollars to give me my grilled cheese buns. If you work this job you probably don’t make anything. $10 to you is like $1,000 to me. You wanna know how I gonna get so much money?

Cashier: Could we just move this al -

Derek: Well you should. Maybe you could learn something. Anyway, Vegas has the Colts over/under on wins at 11. Think of that, for a team that has won 12 or more games in seven straight seasons. That’s like them telling us to drive down to their crappy desert Shake ‘N’ Shakeless bum town and clean them out. You’d have to be as stupid as a Jaguars fan not to take advantage of that. Our franchise is better run because we’re smarter!

All the money I get from the bet, I’ll be able to do it up big for next Super Bowl in Dallas when the Colts hopefully don’t play a team that cheats with surprise onside kicks. I can’t believe the Rules Committee didn’t change that this year. I know they were focusing on the overtime stuff and that’s fine, but they were a year late on that, too. Polian should have had the OT changes wrapped up after we lost to the Chargers the second time. Maybe he’s lost his touch.

Cashier: That’s great. But I’m afraid we still don’t allow modifications to menu items.

Derek: What is wrong with you? Ten bucks! That’s like three weeks pay. C’mon, let’s do this.

Cashier: No, sir.

Derek: I can’t believe this. Lemme speak to your manager.

Cashier: [Sighs] As you wish. BILL!

Bill: What seems to be the problem, sir?

Derek: I offered your bone-headed welfare window lady here an extra $10 to give me grilled cheese buns and she said she wouldn’t do it. She should be chained to a blocking sled and raped from one endzone to the other by by Eric Foster. I demand you fire her this very instant.

Bill: Well, sir, it is company policy not to allow modifications to menu items. I’d be glad to give you this coupon good for one free small soda with the purchase of two combo meals if that’ll make everything okay.

Derek: You can’t buy my complacency! WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW TO RUN ANYTHING! I COULD RUN THIS RESTAURANT BETTER THAN YOU LIKE I COULD RUN THE COLTS BETTER THAN BILL POLIAN! ALL OF HIS THIRD-ROUND PICKS ARE BUSTS! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE REST OF HIS TRACK RECORD! I WANT TO CONTINUALLY FOCUS ON THIS ARCANE DETAIL! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE A MARQUEE FRANCHISE WHEN WE CAN’T EVEN COUNT ON THIRD ROUND PICKS TO WORK OUT?! THE ONE WE GOT THIS YEAR IS ALREADY HURT! I TRIED TO WARN EVERYONE AND THEY WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME!

Bill: [Motions to kitchen] Sir, you’re making a scene. If you persist in holding up the line and creating a disturbance, I will be forced to alert the authorities and have you removed from the premises. You will not be allowed to return to patronize this location again.

Derek: No! Anything but that! I’ll just take my food as is. Anything but having to drive to the next town over.

Bill: I’m glad we could work this out. That’ll be $15.46.

Derek: HEY MY PARFAITS ARE MELTED! YOU ALL ARE GODDAMN NEGLIGENT! REGGIE WAYNE’S LAZINESS HAS RUBBED OFF ON EVERYONE!

It wasn’t long ago that the Colts were a seemingly benign alternative to the Patriots winning the AFC. Perhaps it’s because no one cares about Indianapolis or ever will (you think sportswriters complained about the Super Bowls in Jacksonville or Detroit? Wait until 2012), but we wish we had known how breathtakingly obnoxious and entitled these stupid Fat Humps were before championing their team against New England. No one, not even the Massholes, have been more annoying than Colts fans this year, whether it’s being completely humorless about any shots taken at their fanbase or their constantly talking up the record regular season winning streak that no one could possibly care about.

Read the rest of this entry »

Cashier: Okay, sir. You got two bacon cheeseburgers, one spicy fish fillet, two sides of chicken fries, one order of chili cheese fries and one extra large cherry limeade. That’ll be $18.12.

Derek from Muncie: Ha! That’s funny! 18-12! That’s what Colts fans call the rivalry between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. The War of 1812. I don’t know if you can really call it a “war” anymore, because we own the Patriots now. How stupid was Belicheat going for that 4th and 2? Peyton would’ve never done that.

Cashier: [Polite chuckle]

Derek: Speaking of Peyton, did you know he’s the first quarterback to ever throw for 40,000 yards in ONE DECADE!? I learned that in my issue of Colts Insider that I keep right here in my front seat. Oops, it fell under this Quinzo’s bag. There it is!

Cashier: $18.12 is your total, sir.

Derek: Did you know the Colts have the most total wins of any team this decade? Sure, we might not have the most titles, like those cheating Patriots and Steelers who robbed us of what was rightfully ours, but the best team doesn’t always win the Super Bowl. But I do think we’re gonna win it this year. How couldn’t we? You just can’t count the Colts out, no matter how far they fall behind in any game. They’re just way, way too good. Did you see how they came back against the Texans? Classic Colts. Just like that Dolphins game where they won despite only having the ball for what? Five minutes? That’s crazy.

Cashier: You’re holding up the line, sir.

Derek: I appreciate you being so courteous to me. I used to frequent Subway all the time even though some of their employees are jerks. Wanna know why?

Cashier: [Doesn't get a chance to speak]

Derek: Because Jared, their spokesguy, is a Colts fan. And people say the Colts aren’t a glamorous team!

We have a celebrity fan! I mean, Peyton’s really a celebrity in his own right. Did you see him on SNL? So funny. I think he’s gonna star in movies when his career is over. That is, when he’s not being a Super Bowl winning coach. Not like he’s not really coaching the team right now anyway. Caldwell’s just an empty figurehead. Anyway, I stopped going to Subway after they dropped Jared as their spokesguy. Now they have Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan doing ads? Whatever. The Giants suck. We beat them in the Greatest Game Ever Played in 1958. Man, I wish I could’ve been an Indy Colts fan back then.

Cashier: Please, sir. The money.

Derek: All right, all right. You know what you guys should do? When the Colts beat the Cheatriots record of 21 consecutive victories in two weeks, you should have a special promotion with that. Like, a free large cherry limeaid or something. I mean, the Colts should really have the record now anyway because the Pats are cheaters. The Chargers are too. Those scumbags didn’t deserve to beat us in our first playoff game the last two seasons. The NFL should investigate them. Shawne Merriman shared his steroids with everyone on the team. I read it on a message board. The Colts are good guys. We got rid of Marvin Harrison after his gun incident. Of course, he was old, decrepit and useless by that point anyway, but we still did it.

Oh, here’s you money.

Cashier: [Exhales sharply] Thank you.

Derek: HEY! My food’s cold now! I want my money back!

This weekend, the Patriots are playing the only team in the NFL that could possibly make me root for them, the Purplish Carrion Crows of Deepest Rottencrotch (Officially: Lord Baltimore’s seaside queef depot).

P-Drizzle, so jovial

So it would be the ideal time for me to admit that for the past few months I’ve been seeing a girl who’s (GASP!) a Boston fan. Me! The guy who hates Boston sports teams so much! It’s like I’m actually able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)! Me! The guy who usually isn’t able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)!

Luckily, she doesn’t understand football nor does she care at all about the game. This might otherwise be an issue, but is fantastic in this circumstance because her not caring is the only thing keeping her from being a Patriots fan.

(She does actually own a Tedy Bruschi jersey and threatened to wear it to my D.C. book reading. Or just wear it at all. In response, I vowed to visit swift death upon her, which was a surprisingly effective deterrent. Try that one in the future, you guys)

Granted, I still have to put up with (if she’s reading, that means ADORE) the SAWX stuff, but I don’t particularly care about baseball and it’s fun to go to Nationals games and laugh at how she fumes when the Nats play “Sweet Caroline” during pitching changes (“THAT’S OW-UH FACKIN SONG! NO ONE DENIES THIS! EVERYONE HE-UH IS A FACKIN COWPYCAT! THEY AH-RUNT BAHSTONISH ENOUGH!”).

Plus she frequently and openly admits that no one cared about the Pats until they started winning titles, and she gets irritated whenever she talks with someone from back home in Boston who brings up the Patriots while the Red Sox are still playing (“They never used to do that before!”).

So keep reinforcing all the negative stereotypes I have of Bawston football fans, honey, and we’ll get along just fine.

Read the rest of this entry »

Chris Matthews: Wow, what an amazing day. We’ve got TWO enormous primaries going on. Indiana and North Carolina. Lots of big, big delegates up for grabs. The impact of what happens today is gonna reverberate ALL across the country. You know… this is amazing! This is REALLY amazing! Ya gotta love it! Howard Fineman of Newsweek joins us now. Hey Howard…

Howard Fineman: Yes?

Chris: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

Chris: Yeah, but can’t you just see Obama as the cocky young quarterback, who isn’t favored to win, but finds himself with a giant lead at the half? Only now he’s just trying to hang onto that lead, while the original favorite storms back and makes him sweat a little? Huh? I think he’s just like that. Don’t you think he’s like a football UNDERDOG here? A football underdog who kinda becomes the favorite, only to slip a little and therefore regain his underdog status? Isn’t he kinda like a slightly favored underdog?

Howard: What?

Chris: And can’t you see Hillary Clinton as the savvy veteran coach over on the other sideline? And she’s been through THE WARS! I mean, she’s seen it all! And now this young upstart throws her off at the beginning, so now she has to use all her wiles to get her team back in it? Don’t you think? You know, I think she’s just like Weeb Ewbank!

Howard: I don’t really see the connection.

Chris: I mean, isn’t this just FASCINATING! I think it is absolutely FASCINATING! The twists. The turns. Just a RIVETING five months. Don’t you think?

Howard: No, not really. I think many people found it interesting the first week or so, but would now happily mash their testicles in a garlic press rather than have this god-awful slog carry on one excruciating day longer.

Chris: It IS great, isn’t it? Say, don’t you think Obama supporters are just like Jacksonville Jaguars fans? I mean, they’re new to the whole football-slash-politics thing, BUT THEY LOVE IT! Then reality sets in a bit, and they kind of have to weather the storm. And they say, “Hey wait a second! This isn’t fair!” But then they figure it out it’s just HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED! Don’t you think Barack Obama is just like David Garrard?

Howard: Who?

Chris: Let’s bring on Tim Russert here. Tim, don’t you think this election is just like a great FOOTBALL GAME?

Tim: You said it. A real barnburner, Chris.

Howard: Jesus.

Tim: You know, it reminds me a lot of when my dad, BIG RUSS, and I watched Bills games together. Just one of those real back-and-forth games. You had Jim Kelly, the great, All-pro quarterback. And you had Thurman Thomas, the wonderful running back. Those were real competitions. And that’s what we have here. A REAL competition. With Barack Obama, whose this sort of great, unpolished talent. Very much like Vince Young, the quarterback down in Tennessee.

Chris: I agree. I think he’s just like Vince Young, right down to the gay throwing motion. This REALLY is astounding. I’ve always said politics is just like football, and it’s showing here.

Tim: Actually Chris, you have deviated from that platform on occasion. I have a quote here that YOU gave to MSNBC just two months earlier where you said, quote: “I think this election is just like a GREAT HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING MATCH,” unquote. So you said boxing match back then, and now you’re saying football. How do you reconcile those two positions?

Chris: HA! That’s amazing, Tim! God, you’re just like a GREAT TENNIS PLAYER! Always volleying back and forth with all kinds of moves. It’s amazing! Let’s bring on Senator Clinton here for a moment. Senator Clinton, don’t you think you’re just like BILL BELICHICK? Always scheming, sort of seeking out that winning edge any way you can find it? In fact, don’t you and your husband combine to represent Belichick perfectly, with your knack for evil plotting and your husband’s penchant for hot cougar tail?

Clinton: I don’t really know about that, Chris. All I really know is that we’re gonna need someone who is ready to lead this country, someone with over 35 years of experience. I also know that Jeremiah Wright is the sort of dangerous, untamed black man who could single handedly destroy this nation with his bare hands, and that his Unruly Negro Disease could have been passed on to Barack Obama at any point during his 20 years in the church. And I think white people in rural areas really need to think about that.

Chris: Omigod, Jeremiah Wright! He’s incredible. Don’t you think he’s EXACTLY like Terrell Owens? Always coming by to throw a monkey wrench into the team chemistry?

Clinton: Yes, that’s an excellent analogy.

Tim: And John Edwards kinda looks like a young college basketball coach.

Chris: Let me ask you both. Don’t you think John McCain is just like Tom Coughlin? With the all the pent-up anger and what not?

Howard: Christ.