Good fucking God. I go on vacation for one random week in March and I miss all sorts of crazy shit. Since I missed so much recently I decided to cover all of the fun off-topic goodness in one sprawling post. It’s win-win for you, the reader, because it’s stuff you never cared about to begin with and it’s longer than Drew’s old-man balls. Huzzah!

-Number One Threat to America: Bear Stearns

Yeah that’s right, America’s fucking broke. That’s why I store all of my money inside of Nick Denton’s large head-vault. Fortunately for the rest of you the government is sending out some stimulus checks. They really want you to boost the economy by spending the money as opposed to saving it, which is why they’re making all of the banks collapse just in time. Personally, I plan on using my stimulus moneys to purchase illicit substances…from foreigners! Take that, Capitalism!

Speaking of nonsensical financial blather…

-TBL Came Out!

Some have said that this announcement came on the heels of FJM’s revelation, but all of this started when I appeared on Blog Show. The important question remains, how can US Weekly possibly survive without JRM’s editorial oversight?

-The Brothers Karamazov > The Brothers Marquez

That’s right Drew, I’m talking about boxing and you can’t do shit about it! A couple of weeks back Israel Vasquez barely beat Rafael Marquez and then on Saturday night Pac-Man barely beat Juan Manuel Marquez. Everybody got really bloody and had a good time. Seriously, you could see JMM’s brain through the cut on his eye.

-Uranus Still Hates Atlantans

First these southerners bitch about a little drought and now they get some rain and they can’t handle the wind that comes with it? No wonder they couldn’t win a fucking civil war.

-Some Basketball Something Or Other

IT’S MARCH MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS!

Some of you might be aware that I’m rather fond of the sport of basketball (and the race of man that tends to excel at said sport) and I have a particular appreciation for the amateur variety. As the self-appointed basketball genius of the gay I’m taking it upon myself to give you our initial breakdown of all things bracket. What follows is a list of rules you have to abide by if you’re going to participate in the springtime festivities.

Do: Know everything about college basketball.

Sure, we’re the guys who lost a bracket challenge to the Womyn Ladies. But remember, I won the individual title because I’m a testosterone-fueled genius who actually watches PAC 10 games.

Don’t: Attempt to fill in your pathetically average knowledge with research.

If you can’t pick the tournament blind then you’re already fucked. Two kinds of people win these things, People who care way too much about basketball and people who pick Drake to make an Elite 8 run because they “love the Drake.”

Don’t: Read a stupid list of rules for filling out your bracket.

You’re already failing at a second-grade level!

Do: Bitch about the diabolical snubbery of the selection committee.

“Waaaah! VCU, VT, and UVA* didn’t get in, why does the NCAA hate the Commonwealth of Virginia?” Sound familiar? If so it’s because you can’t react to Selection Sunday without a bit of indignation.

Oh, and to answer your question, Virginia is the AIDS of states.

*Never actually had a chance

Yeah, I’m never leaving town again.

You’ve probably heard by now that the fine broads over at Ladies… threw down the gauntlet last week and challenged us to a collaborative college basketball pool. As it’s been said before, we’re (cough) a football blog, and most of you realize that the ability to pee standing up has no value in this venture.

I don’t think I’ve watched 40 minutes of college basketball this entire year. But I “know” some of the women over there from Deadspin (Andie, being a law student at Notre Dame, and Wanda, being a single mom, have both impressed me as fans and as people), so I was eager to get something together. Probably too eager.

The rules were negotiated. Our six brackets will go head-to-head against their six best. Whichever set of brackets tallies the most points will be declared the winner.

At stake is:

(1) a day’s worth of posts from the winners on the losers’ blog
(2) the KSK winner going admiral on TheStarterWife around the ice during the first intermission of a Capitals game at the Verizon center

One of those is true.

Some people wonder what KSK has to gain from this proposition. Oh, sure, our site gets more traffic than theirs does, but there’s more to it than that. This is an opportunity to take the moral values of KSK to the streets, to spread the gospel of the Sex Cannon, bukkake, and mock pedophilia.

Despite getting hits in the five-figures every day, our message still isn’t being received by those who need to hear it most. Still, some of us aare concerned that I’ve put our precious little blog in peril, that we’ve given up too much for a chance to gain too little. This might be the first time our hopes lie in the hands of Unsilent Majority, and that is fucking scary.

It’s my fault. I got us into this. And I apologize.

I apologize to all of our readers, because if we lose, we really have no idea what kind of filth will make it up here. Rumors of posts celebrating Title IX, baby pictures, and ranking men based solely on their appearances are already floating through the series of tubes. Just disgusting. These women really have no shame.

Also, I apologize to the fine readers that the Ladies’ blog already has. If any of you are reading this now, I want you to know how sorry I really am, because if we win this motherfucker, all of you will be scarred for life. You will only wish your worst fears were confirmed, because the pervert training wheels will be popped off faster than you can say Fatty Arbuckle. I look forward to the chance of having eight women hating us, suddenly and simultaneously.

The upside is there, but it happens to be mighty close to the downside in value. That’s why it’s a bet. But we intend to prevail, and when we do, you can be certain that we’ll piss all over that blog, standing up.