[phone rings]

Matt Mosley of ESPN Fame: [answering] Whaddaya do, buckaroo?

Coach Mangini: Hello? Is this Matt Mosley?

Mosley: Oh. Hi, Coach. I thought you were…What can I do for you?

Coach Mangini: I have some qualms, Matt. I have some qualms that I need help sorting out. I have some qualms about these power rankings you helped produce on ESPN.

Mosley: Okay…

Coach Mangini: You ranked us 21st. Just tell me, are you pissed at me about something?

Mosley: Nope.

Coach Mangini: you’ve just seemed … short with me.

Mosley: I’m sure that wasn’t the case.

Coach Mangini: Are you really pissed at me about something? To be down with three of the guys on that panel, a 21 was odd.

Mosley: I’m not explaining what went on between the eight of us to anyone, least of all a head coach. I’m sure you understand why. But there was voting, and that’s how the numbers came out, so that’s how y’all were placed. I had a say over my rankings, and that’s it.

Coach Mangini: Honestly? I’d have rather not been in it than been a 21.

Mosley: Now how am I supposed to respond to that, Eric? We voted. It’s math. Y’all put yourselves out there. No one was duped.

Coach Mangini: Well, I guess I know where I stand with you guys then.

Mosley: Well, yeah you do. You stand 21st with us. Don’t sulk, little buckaroo. This is supposed to be fun.

Coach Mangini: I know that number’s wrong. I just didn’t expect that. And it was fun except for the ranking, which was a real evaluation of how I’m doing.

Mosley: Um, No. Are you really taking this that seriosuly? Because that concerns me. This is supposed to be Fun. How many more times do you want me to say it?

Coach Mangini: Well I took the ranking seriously, yes. If it’s not indicative of the work I’m doing, then I won’t treat it as such.

Mosley: All right, you need to chill, and I need to get into makeup and get pretty for a local TV appearance tomorrow.

Coach Mangini: How do you pretty yourself up when there’s a nighttime of slumber between now and work?

Mosley: Went to the day spa and got a manicure, a pedicure, and got my eyebrows did.

Coach Mangini: Can I, um, see?

Mosley: My toenails? Are you some kind of freak?

Coach Mangini: I was kinda hopin’ for the whole package. If not, you may clip the toenails and mail them my way with the DVDs of all your other TV appearances. I was ultimately hoping for the gussied up Mosley, top to bottom.

Mosley: Yeah, I don’t know how I’d accomplish that.

Coach Mangini: Please, Matt! I’m so ronery! Cup my qualms with your hands and make them better!

Mosley: Sorry, buckaroo. [hangs up]

Coach Mangini: Oh, Matt. Please don’t hate me! I just wanted to give you a little attention!