This video has been everywhere by now, but we feel it’s our civic duty to share the lament of Browns fans, who are kind of like Seahawks fans but without the nice city to live in.
The guy in this video, Mike Polk, has previously given us such internet delights as the hastily made Cleveland tourism video and the worst TV reel ever. So I guess it’s fitting that he lives in the worst city ever with the worst team ever. Though I’ll open the floor to Detroit for that debate.
The Browns running back won the fan’s choice tournament to determine who would be Top Shill for this year’s lockout edition of the Madden franchise. Grittiness triumphed in the finals over Ookee-kind, thus ensuring sales of the game would be… about the same. Meanwhile, a small measure of semi-quasi-maybe-victory has been granted to a few overzealous Clevelanders.
Many have and will continue to crack wise about such a pointlessly inflated distinction going to a white guy who has had only one productive season in the league. Then again, the only white guys who have been featured on the cover so far have been Madden himself and ol’ Brittfar, so maybe Peyton can finally RESTORE DIGNITY TO A SLOBBERKNOCKED RACE. [Whoops - forgot Breesus was on the cover last year. I BLAME THE VERY REAL CURSE!] Godspeed, you luggish Juggerback.
Cleveland Browns quarterback Colt McCoy just signed a deal to write a book about God. Hey, wait a second there, Coltaroo. We already have a Jesus freak under center in the NFL, and his name is Tim Tebow. Oh, but Colty Colt is raising the bar and writing the book with his daddy. Aw, how sweet. I guess he couldn’t find the cheerleader that did all of his homework at Texas to write the book for him. Still, it’s a rather fascinating development, especially when you consider that nobody in Cleveland knows how to read.
Rob Ryan is the defensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns, and his success of his charges of late have him as one of the hottest head coaching candidates heading into the offseason. But Rob’s Browns–after dispensing of the Patriots Sunday–are set to play Rex’s Jets, and naturally, each guy has his own opinion of which Ryan will prevail.
The trash talking even extended to whiffle ball, a Ryan family pastime.
Rob: “I absolutely kill him. His bat’s tardy.”
Rex: “He’s delusional. I buckle him with the knuckle curve. He’s never been the same since I hit him in the head with a golf ball when we were 10.”
Growing up in Toronto, the Ryan brothers played backyard football, with Jim, older by six years, pitted against the twins. Their games had one rule: if you did not dispense cheap shots, you were penalized. In one contest, Rex or Rob, Jim cannot remember which, slid down a snowbank into a moving vehicle. In another, Rob celebrated before he reached the goal line, then turned smack into a tree. –NYT.
That rivalry helped prompt Rex to dress up like his brother at a press conference earlier today. Not bad, but he reminds me more of that kid from “American Chopper.”
If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle fat, I don’t know what is. I can’t wait to hear what Tony Dungy thinks about this. Actually, I can. Because I don’t care.
Drew is out for this week (though we understand that he is alert and sitting upright), which means that the weekly tradition of doling out barbs to SI’s senior NFL writer falls into the hands of someone else. Naturally, half of you are already bent out of shape about this. I don’t care. Some of you will point to my apathy as evidence of the decline of KSK and Western civilization as a whole. I don’t care about that either.
That was all just a really long way of saying that I tried to be funny but probably came up short of par. There’s a good Unfaithful reference and some slightly-above-average wordplay in here, and that’s about it. If you’d like to get an exact measurement on how short we came, join us after the jump. And for those of you already upset about the direction of this post, here is a woman in a bikini welding something.
THIS GUY MOVED TO CLEVELAND TO ROOT FOR THE BROWNS. Seriously, that’s almost too sad to fabricate, but no. Eric Barr, formerly of East Hartford, CT, left his job, family and friends to move TO Cleveland. He has no furniture, and apparently, no common sense. And we haven’t even gotten to the part where Barr had driven 566 miles to see Browns home games. EVERY home game. For the last three years.
And that was in a 1992 Nissan Sentra with a top speed of 54 mph.
Barr knows nobody in Cleveland. He inherited his love of the Browns from his father. He had never lived in Cleveland, either. His favorite thing about Cleveland? “You can buy beer on Sundays!” Oh, Eric. You and Cleveland were made for each other. H/T Upstate Underdog
The hottest topic in the world of quarterbacks is the argument between the screw top and corks. While the traditional demands and can only conceive of a cork closure, there is in undeniable groundswell in favor of the screw top. With a screw cap, a defensive lineman can avoid the problem of cork taint. Screw tops are less expensive than natural or plastic corks. Plus they can be removed without any special equipment. In the future, the avid Delhomme consumer should expect a further proliferation of screw tops.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.
It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.
Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger
Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry
Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)
Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!
- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.
Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins
Verdict: OVER
Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones
Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham
Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)
Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.
- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.
Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy
Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)
Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?
- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.
Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)
Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:
- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.
Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins
Verdict: PUSH
After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.
This would probably pass for hilarious in the Antarctic Circle; but seriously, if a couple of penguins can realize what a bad decision it was for the Cleveland Browns to sign Jake Delhomme, why couldn’t they? To be fair, when most of a typical day involves standing around in the snowy elements, that leaves a lot of time to think about other things. Like going out and buying a Ford Taurus, for example.
The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.
UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.
This would probably pass for hilarious in the Antarctic Circle; but seriously, if a couple of penguins can realize what a bad decision it was for the Cleveland Browns to sign Jake Delhomme, why couldn’t they? To be fair, when most of a typical day involves standing around in the snowy elements, that leaves a lot of time to think about other things. Like going out and buying a Ford Taurus, for example. 
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