Remember that big offseason fight that Rex Ryan had with Channing Crowder? Of course you don’t, because everyone stopped paying attention to the Dolphins weeks ago. “BUT REX DIDN’T FORGET! HE’S GONNA HAVE LINEMEN DRIVING AT THEM KNEES, STOCKARD CHANNING!”

But Rex also needs to know his rookie is ready to rebound from his disastrous performance against the Saints.

I MEAN, REALLY READY!

Oh loogit, little Nacho (his actual Rex-imposed nickname is the much more unfortunate Sanchise) is Twitter-humming the Monday Night Football theme. He hasn’t been this excited since his first date rape at USC. Good thing he doesn’t tell any jokes on his feed. It always weirds me out when Spanish-speaking people write out laughter as “jejejejejejeje” online.

As an alum of the University of Merlin, I’ve seen many a celebratory bonfire in my days, albeit with couches serving as kindling in lieu of cars. Still, something about this one that followed the Jets’ drubbing of the Cardinals strikes me as all too familiar. Possibly because half the kids that go to Maryland come from fucking Jersey. You can just tell when a good conflagration has that distinctive Jersey touch stench.

0:04 — No exploding cigar? And I thought you guys were committed to mayhem.

0:10 — “That’s a fucking picture YESSSSSSSS!” No doubt it will fit nicely into the Tragedies of Jersey triptych he’s putting together.

0:38 — “This was an unexpected surprise.” I’m assuming he means the Jets victory.

0:53 — What’s with the rush to take a picture? As if burned out cars, houses, public buildings, Sheetz stations weren’t the norm around there.

1:02 — “That’s an all-aluminum frame too!” Just think what that’ll fetch at the scrap yard. I call dibs!

1:07 — Who needs hoses when Fireman Ed can easily yell the fire out?

1:12 — J-E-T-S chant while the blaze is being extinguished. C’mon flame, you can get that second wind and scorch the rest of the state, can’t you?

1:30 — What’s what with the Jerricho Cotchery and Wayne Chrebet unis? Peter King thinks these people are all fucking ingrates.

[Busted Coverage]

Hey! Hey, honey!

(whistles)

Hoo hoo hoo, look at you, honey! You are lookin’ fucking NICE! Jesus, look at those tits. Those are some serious fucking bowling balls. I should just call you Womangini! Those water balloons look like they’re about to fuckin’ burst, sweetie pie! My old lady don’t look like dat! That old crone’s got tits that can play pattycake with her fuckin’ knees! It’s like handling week-old pizza dough!

Gah head, honey. Come on in to the ampitheater.

(blocks entrance)

Just kidding, honey. There’s no way me and my boys are lettin’ you into this draft without seein’ those gascans.

(fans cheer)

Gah head, honey. Show poppa those luscious cupcakes.

(grabs boobs)

Whaddaya mean, no? What are you, some kinda fuckin’ dyke? Everyone’s havin’ a good time here! We started drinking at 5 in the morning just for this! Cut my boys some slack. Give ‘em a little taste of those funbags. Come on! Loosen up! Everyone’s havin’ fun! Why you gotta go ruin that? C’mon, cutie. Hey boys, let’s give her some encouragement, eh?

T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!
T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!
T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!
T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!
T-I-T-S TITS TITS TITS!

Huh? Is that fucking great or whaaaat? Come on honey, how’s bout taking a peek at those volcanoes, eh? You know, my brother’s a cop. If you don’t show us those vavooms, I can have him arrest you. For what? For being a fucking buzzkill, that’s what.

Hey, where you goin’? Oh, so you’re like one of these feminist types? Fine. Fuck off. You’re a fucking whore, you know that, honey? No, no, no, see, because me and my friends were nice to you. We welcomed you in here. We even offered to shower you with Michelob. We were gonna invite you to come throw bottle caps at Darren McFadden. But you had to go and be a fucking BITCH! Boo! BOOOOOOO!!!! Boo her, boys!

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Yeah, that’s it. Walk away! Walk away, fatty! Yeah, that’s right! You’re fucking fat! How you like that, now? All you had to do was show us those donut holes. But you didn’t, so bye bye, chubby. And don’t ever let me see you around Jersey way again. Because JERSEY DOESN’T PUT UP WITH STUCK-UP WHORES, YOU STUCK-UP WHORE.

(throws hot dog)

Hey, look at the tits on that girl over there! Yo Brett, go spit vodka on her chest.