The Steelers bested the Bengals because Andy Dalton isn’t as good as Tim Tebow is at winning despite playing shitty. Nevertheless, credit to a spiteful old Bengals fan for mocking a wee yinzer’s obnoxious acrostic sign. It’s possible, given the near identical lettering on the signs, that that is a father and son combo, in which case, let’s give him Father of the Year for not choking his son for rooting on a division rival.

Some of you people think I’m bluffing when I say that I’m leaving Cincinnati. For some reason, “I will never set foot in Paul Brown Stadium again” isn’t perfectly clear to some people. Well let me make this clear: I hate Cincinnati.

No, I really hate it. People say that they have real seasons here. I hate seasons. People say how nice everyone from Cincinnati is. I hate nice people. I grew up in California, where personal opinion is verboten, the way it should be. People that live here can’t even spell “Cincinnati.” Three Ns. One T. Not two Ns and two Ts. One. How hard is that?

But that won’t be my problem anymore, because I’m done with Cincinnati. You know what? Fuck Cincinnati.

Fuck the Cincinnati airport. It’s not even in Cincinnati. It’s in Kentucky. They don’t have paved roads in Kentucky, but they have an airport. Great.

Fuck you, Fountain Square. You’re the only people of color that can actually get jobs downtown.

Fuck you, “WKRP in Cincinnati”. Every time I tell someone I’m playing in Cincinnati, they ask “Oh, like WKRP? You know, the TV show?” Wait, do you mean THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKING TV SHOW THAT WENT OFF THE AIR THIRTY YEARS AGO? I was two years old! I was shitting my pants instead of watching that show, and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure I got the better end of the deal!

But I did actually know a Jennifer Marlowe in high school. She got married, divorced, and then lost a bunch of weight and now she’s smokin’ hot. It’s all good, though. I sent her some pics. Of my car, you perv.

Fuck you, Skyline Chili. Looks like shit. Smells like shit. Tastes like shit. And it’s just as hard to scrub out of upholstery. I AM A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. I HAVE NO TIME FOR STAINS.

Fuck you, Hall Of Justice. Where was Superman when Kimo Von Luthor was crashing into my knee? CAN YOU HEAR ME, SON OF JOR-EL? I DENOUNCE YOU!

And fuck you Mike Brown. I wish I could take all the money you save from revenue sharing and your rent-free stadium deal and cram it down your fat face. You probably keep your father’s ashes in a coffee can on the mantle, don’t you? And you probably stole that can from Marge Schott. Prick.

And fuck you all, Cincinnati! I’m never coming back!

Carson out!

Okay, maybe I need to work on the signoff but I’m still leaving!

For the second consecutive year, the Steelers play on the Monday night that the new Call of Duty game is released, which is less a coincidence in reality than it is on KSK, where Ben Roethlisberger’s KSKharacter is consumed with a single-minded obsession for the video game series. It’s really a shame that Ben isn’t openly a fan of CoD in real life. Treyarch was willing to let one famous athlete accused of rape in the commercial. What’s one more?

At least Roethlisberger might have enough sense to snipe Kimmel.

If you need some cheap manufactured drama for what is otherwise a barely interesting showdown of AFC North teams, remember that Chad Ochocinco in the off-season called the Steelers a “team of girls.” OOOHHH SNAPTACULAR! FEEL THE BURNINATION!

That probably didn’t do much to keep you glued in before Conan’s new show debuts at 11, so here are Peter King and Roger Goodell pictured today donning bibs and eating Skyline Chili. The key, dear commissioner, is nutmeg. Always nutmeg.

Oh, and here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation, in case you haven’t gotten enough blather about Wade Phillips getting and gifs of Eagles fans flipping out.

It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

via.

Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger

Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry

Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)

Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:

- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!

- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.

Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins

Verdict: OVER

Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones

Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham

Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)

Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.

- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.

Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy

Key Departures: Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, Donte Stallworth, Jamal Lewis, Kamerion Wimbley

Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)

Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?

- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

via.

Key Additions: Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote, Antwaan Randle El, anyone else who may have played for the team in the last 10 years, Flozell Adams

Key Departures: Santonio Holmes, Willie Parker, Deshea Townsend

Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)

Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:

- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.

An aged and desperate Terrell Owens has been signed by the Bengals to a one-year deal to replace the gimpy Antonio Bryant. Owens, a noted suicidal troublemaker with a penchant for roster insurrection, joins Adam “formerly Pacman” Jones, Cedric Benson, Matt Jones, Rey Maualuga, Tank Johnson and Chad Ochocinco to form the first-ever reality show about getting DUIs while doing cocaine in the back seat with underage girls who are holding your weapons cache and getting into a fight with your bodyguard. Also: making it rain Sun Chips. I think that covers all the bases of requisite jokes.

Sorry, I know this announcement is supposed to be more fun. Like, WOW, how can all these volatile components exist together without an orgy of orgies? But I don’t know. It’s set up like Dinner For Schmucks, in that there’s just such a purposeful overabundance of things that are really supposed to be funny that it renders everything banal and sad. Which is sorta fitting for Cincinnati.

There’s really no segment tougher to endure than the “Keys To Victory” segment, which is usually nothing more than a rundown of pointless, outdated football cliches. Stop The Run! Win The Turnover Battle! Something About The Other Team’s Best Player! Thanks for absolutely nothing, fellas. Why not add Score More Points Than The Other Team, does that count for analysis?

And with Joe Gibbs and Joe Theeezman back in the broadcast booth, it’ll just be worse. Football fans were dancing in the streets when Theismann was kicked out of the Monday Night booth in 2007. And it wasn’t because he killed a bunch of dogs or told a bunch of shitty jokes on SNL. He was just bad at talking about football. And whether you’re some douchebag in a bar crowing about the Jets or sitting in front of a national audience in a suit and tie, being boring about football is unforgivable.

Talking eloquently about football pays dividends in other walks of life. It’s why O.J. Simpson–who was an analyst for NBC at the time–was set free in his criminal trial. Nobody ever brings that up, but it’s totally true. It’s why Jerome Bettis was finally pushed back out to sea. It’s why Marv Albert was forgiven for being a sodomist. And a damned good one.

But don’t expect any such goodness with this game. Just hit mute and blow through all the shitty songs on your iPod. And then call your dad and listen about how the Bengals lost the turnover battle. Because that’s all we can expect out of some people. Img.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

This was supposed to be the year.

This was supposed to be the year where the Bengals organization finally collapsed in on itself. It was supposed to be the year where things got so bad in Cincinnati that players would leave in exodus and the league removed Mike Brown from his lofty wicker perch overlooking the economic wasteland that is the Queen City.

Instead, that bastard Brown and his penny-pinching ways have been rewarded with a playoff berth, a home game, and validation that being a tightwad piece of shit owner is a suitable way of running an NFL franchise. Such an organization is already teeming with enough revenue to be a guaranteed cash machine. Couple that with the fact that Brown’s Bengals play in a ten-year-old stadium without paying any rent, and it’s a wonder that change doesn’t fly out Brown’s ass every time he cuts a fart.

How the hell am I supposed to enjoy this? After watching mediocrity (or downright ineptitude) for the better part of 20 years, I’m numb. Totally numb. It’ll be nice to have a team to root for this winter, but I’d much rather have a team–an actual, competitive team– that I can root for every fall.

And if you wanted more fuel for the hate fire, there’s this:

Carson Palmer has perfected the backhanded handoff. He probably puts his toilet paper on the roll the wrong way and masturbates overhanded as well.

Chad Ocho Cinco is the Adam Lambert of the NFL. I wonder if he’ll have to be airlifted off Revis Island again.

Chris Henry couldn’t even stay alive for an entire season. WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE DOES YOU DEATH SET FOR YOUNG PEOPLE!?

The Bengals stole their colors from the Browns. Then again, anything not bolted down in Cleveland typically gets ripped off.

The helmets are awesome. Sorry, but if you don’t like the Bengals’ helmets, YOU ARE GAY. That’s fact.

Laveranues Coles can’t seem to catch anything that isn’t affixed to his uncle’s body. And he should take a cue from Chad and change his first name so that it includes the word “anus.”

Domata Peko…WHAT’S UP WITH THE SPLIT ENDS, HOLMES?

Shayne Graham…GINGER!

Marvin Lewis…NOT REALLY BLACK! AS FAR AS YOU KNOW!

Mike Zimmer is already packing his bags for DC. Save some vanilla ice cream for us, Mikey!

Cincinnati sucks. Just because they don’t suck this year doesn’t mean that they don’t suck at large in general all the other times. Stop pretending to be competent, Cincinnati. You’re just making this harder.

None of you understood Chris like I understood him. Sure, he was a black kid from the south and I’m a white guy from Massachusetts, but we had so much in common. We both had that dream of nailing prime teenage ass. Because there’s no ass like teenage ass. I understood that, and Chris understood that, too. And now he’s gone.

I’m saddened that Chris never had a chance to finish up his NFL career, because all of the girls out there that are like 9 or 10 years old now would have been 16 or 17 by the time his playing days were over. And really, there’s no better way to cap a 1,000-yard receiving season than by realizing all the juicy pre-pubescent tail that’s on its way down the pike in the autumn of your career.

People tried to change Chris. They said, “Hey Chris, you should really wait until some of these girls turn 18.” I don’t know why they said that. I don’t like women that get involved in politics, anyway. And neither did Chris. That’s what made him so special. That and his penchant for the little ladies with naturally bald beavers. Can I say beavers? I think so. That’s the way Chris would have wanted it.

Chris, I know you can hear me up in heaven. Even in that somewhat run-down section of heaven that they reserve for black people. And I just want you to know…I just want you…Oh, God, I promised I wouldn’t do this…I want you to know that you’re an inspiration to all of us…That the middle schools of this country have lost a great loiterer…that forever you shall…I just…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…

Everyone got so swept up in Patriots chokery, it’s like they forgot all about Steelers schadenfreude. Yesterday the Bengals essentially locked up the AFC North by completing a sweep of the Steelers thanks to getting one of those unglamorous tough slog victories that the Steelers are notorious for boring people with. Punte would have a celebratory rant but he’s more quiet about his homerism, which is why he’s a stand-up good egg kind of fellow, and not a raving jackass like myself. Suffice it to say, today I am a sad Steeler fag. And sideways-camera-holding fat guy who wears Oakleys on overcast days clearly did tell us Steeler fags that he would do something crazy this week if Cincy won, like burn a towel or submit a job application. I’d probably be upset if I didn’t do this myself three months ago.

Maybe we’ll be treated to a Saints-Bengals Super Bowl, so Who Deys and Who Dats can get together and finally get some long-awaited answers.

BOLD SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

Dats 30
Deys 23

Sorry, Deys.

/braces for annoying fellow Steelers fans who will claim that this guy just cursed Cincinnati or cursed himself or cursed roads and also cursed fire and placed a low calorie curse on Miller Lite for daring to desecrate a Terrible Towel.