This is a bad economy to be trifling with the support of fans and sponsors with conservative, anti-dog-killing values, and one could argue that Vick’s deteriorated acumen at quarterback wouldn’t be enough to offer a team to offset the ensuing PR meltdown from its own supporters. He could still get picked up, but it won’t be until later in the summer or early fall, when season ticket forms and sponsorship checks have already been turned in. But I’m wandering off-topic.

I wrote yesterday that Vick’s unusual label as The Dog Killer among fans would be near-impossible to shake. Oh sure, the networks producing the games will do everything to make you try. You’ll hear about how Vick is ready to “move on” and “rebuild his life” and maybe we’ll watch some semi-sincere mea culpa from Vick on ESPN over soft piano music. And we’ll watch and think Yeah, Mike. We get it. You’re sorry. If I had pissed away over $100 million the way you did, I’d be sorry, too. If you only had some fresh-faced children and an incredibly gullible wife that the cameras could pan to every 45 seconds. That worked like a charm for Kobe Bryant.

Bengals owner Mike Brown enjoys giving people second chances, although he does seem to enjoy picking up the occasional discarded player with “character issues” and the like (see “Benson, Cedric,” and the first day of this year’s draft). He seems like the perfect owner to get into The Dog Killing quarterback business. Brown knows what those sorts of players know, that if you want to be in the NFL, it’s Bengals or bust. Anybody can fuck up eight ways to Sunday, but if you’ve got game, just wait by the phone, because Mike Brown will be calling. Probably collect, too. Cheap bastard.

Two reasons why the Bengals won’t go after Vick (yeah, I lied. Shoot me). One, obviously, is Palmer. The Bengals have a franchise quarterback in place for the next six years, meaning that either Vick would be trading doses of pepper spray with Benson in the backfield or changing the name on the back of his jersey to SIETE and lining up in the slot across from Chad Whatshisname, which, come to think, wouldn’t be such a horrible PR makeover at all.

But there is another reason, and this would be more applicable to other teams in the running for whatever service Vick intends to offer another team. And that’s the obvious PR problem–you can’t reward the fans for the leap of faith it would take for them to root for Michael Vick again. I presume that you, like me, were in awe and appreciation of the highlight reel scrambles the guy would churn out for the Falcons each week. I loved that element of his game, but you know damn well that I avoided his ass in fantasy football like the plague.

If Vick could lead his new team to the Super Bowl, The Dog Killer would be reinvented as A Guy That Won The Dogfight Of His Life or some other sappy shit like that. And it would take at least that to get the dog-killing taste out of everyone’s mouth. And by everyone, I mean “white people,” because they seem to be the only ones hung up on this whole thing. Get over yourselves, white people.

But the Bengals aren’t going to a Super Bowl any sooner than Drew’s posing for Playgirl or Jesus returning to earth to tell everyone what big assholes they’ve been. It’s not happening. But what about the rest of the league? How much better can Mike Vick make your team?

Of course, the Bengals will probably sign him next week now. Damn you, Mike Brown.

This should work well. If there’s one thing Marvin Lewis is good at, it’s taking players who’ve had trouble with the law and shaping them into a team of winners. In that they win four to seven games. (And sometimes tie!)

EDITORIAL NOTE: The KSK staff apologizes for the lack of “Bengals Add Firepower to Lineup” headlines.  We felt disembodied ghost heads encouraging Tank to kill — KILL!!! — had greater priority.

Unfortunately, at Paul Brown Stadium nothing on the field provides an attractive alternative to getting completely ‘faced. Blotto to the point that your once powerful, panty-melting dance moves are now something more akin to a dying invalid feebly wave at a swarm of Africanized bees. By the way, nice brokedick 2Pac doo-rag, you piss-drunk cock.

Isn’t it apt that this waste of skin has chosen a Chris Henry jersey? Oh, it’s apt alright. Apt as a motherfucker. Also, Drunk Bengal Guy’s friend looks like a refugee from a Frankie Goes to Hollywood cover band.

Awwww, now he’s all partied out. Goodnight, sweet prince. May you live to regale the masses another season.

It’s not everyday that one can say this, so I’ll say it today: It feels damn good to be a Bengals fan.

All the Redskins had to do was roll into Cincinnati and do what almost every other team had done against the Bengals: score more points than they did. How fucking hard is that? But after an early Chris Cooley fumble (due to sore abs, I’m sure), the Bengals jumped out to a 17-0 lead and gobbled enough cock clock to keep the Redskins at bay.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the first time I’ve seen the Bengals win in at least three years. It felt good to watch a team take initiative and then realize, “Hey, we’re doing a great job of not getting utterly buttfucked off the ball.” I hope we can look as competent in Cleveland next week, and contribute to another head coach firing. The important thing is to not get worked up about a single win, to act like we’ve been there before, and to show the composure of a champion over the next three weeks.

YYEAAAAHHHH! YOU SUCK, DC! RYAN FITZPATRICK OWNS YOUR ASSES! YOU WOULD HAVE SUCKED A DICK IN THE PLAYOFFS ANYWAY, BITCHES! WOOOOOOOO! WHO DEY! WHO DEY! GET FUCKED, DC! WE’RE 1-2-1 AGAINST THE NFC EAST! WOOOOOOOO!!!

What motivates Steelers fans to humiliate the Bengals faithful even further? Isn’t it enough you invade their stadium, abuse the menfolk, fondle the womenfolk and take a dump in their precious Skyline Chili? Now you have to take to the YouTubes ahead of tonight’s resumption of the “rivalry” to rub salt into their festering wounds. Harsh, man, harsh.

Look at the bright side Cincinnatians, you are on a three-week undefeated streak. True, there was a bye week and a tie in there, but for the Bungles this is a tremendous step forward. Plus your true favorite team, the Buckeyes, are having another solid season. WHO DEY!!! WHO DEY!!!

[ via Steelers Depot ]

“The guy said something about (Bengals president) Mike Brown. I’m one of the few people who will defend him, which is getting harder to do these days. I said, ‘Yeah, well, at least he’s not selling the team. You guys are going to be the L.A. Steelers.’ And the next thing I remember is waking up in the security office.”

Dude, you took an ass-whipping for defending Mike Brown? Do you think Mike Brown would take a beatdown for you? He’s sitting in one of the sky-boxes at his shiny new stadium with his shitty team and his lame-duck coach while you’re down there getting the living shit stomped out of you by some retard in a Greg Lloyd jersey. Being loyal to a team is irrational; being loyal to an owner who is not signing your paycheck is idiocy. Mike Brown does NOT have your back.

[ via Busted Coverage ]