Good job men, you fought hard today. What do you say we call it a tie and go for ice cream? Facing a fourth down at the Cleveland’s 41 with just over a minute remaining in overtime Bengals coach Marvin Lewis “was content to play for the tie.” Before he could punt, the Browns called a timeout giving Cincinnati’s players a chance to twist Marvin’s arm into allowing them to run another play, and eventually win the game. Lewis won’t lose his job for being a total pussy, but if he ever does there will always be a place for him on the sidelines for Portsmouth FC. [Courier Journal]

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

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This is a bad economy to be trifling with the support of fans and sponsors with conservative, anti-dog-killing values, and one could argue that Vick’s deteriorated acumen at quarterback wouldn’t be enough to offer a team to offset the ensuing PR meltdown from its own supporters. He could still get picked up, but it won’t be until later in the summer or early fall, when season ticket forms and sponsorship checks have already been turned in. But I’m wandering off-topic. (more…)

This should work well. If there’s one thing Marvin Lewis is good at, it’s taking players who’ve had trouble with the law and shaping them into a team of winners. In that they win four to seven games. (And sometimes tie!)

EDITORIAL NOTE: The KSK staff apologizes for the lack of “Bengals Add Firepower to Lineup” headlines.  We felt disembodied ghost heads encouraging Tank to kill — KILL!!! — had greater priority.

FORGET CAR BOAT (THE BOAT WITH CARS!), THE BUNGLES GOT A TANK. Cincy must have heeded Ocho Cinco’s advice that the team should return to its felonious ways of the mid-decade salad days, because the team just signed Tank Johnson. This a few weeks about entertaining horse collarin’ Roy Williams. Because castoffs from a spectacularly failed Dallas team are the first ingredient for any franchise looking to rebound.

Unfortunately, at Paul Brown Stadium nothing on the field provides an attractive alternative to getting completely ‘faced. Blotto to the point that your once powerful, panty-melting dance moves are now something more akin to a dying invalid feebly wave at a swarm of Africanized bees. By the way, nice brokedick 2Pac doo-rag, you piss-drunk cock.

Isn’t it apt that this waste of skin has chosen a Chris Henry jersey? Oh, it’s apt alright. Apt as a motherfucker. Also, Drunk Bengal Guy’s friend looks like a refugee from a Frankie Goes to Hollywood cover band.

Awwww, now he’s all partied out. Goodnight, sweet prince. May you live to regale the masses another season.

 

It’s not everyday that one can say this, so I’ll say it today: It feels damn good to be a Bengals fan.

All the Redskins had to do was roll into Cincinnati and do what almost every other team had done against the Bengals: score more points than they did. How fucking hard is that? But after an early Chris Cooley fumble (due to sore abs, I’m sure), the Bengals jumped out to a 17-0 lead and gobbled enough cock clock to keep the Redskins at bay.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the first time I’ve seen the Bengals win in at least three years. It felt good to watch a team take initiative and then realize, “Hey, we’re doing a great job of not getting utterly buttfucked off the ball.” I hope we can look as competent in Cleveland next week, and contribute to another head coach firing. The important thing is to not get worked up about a single win, to act like we’ve been there before, and to show the composure of a champion over the next three weeks.

YYEAAAAHHHH! YOU SUCK, DC! RYAN FITZPATRICK OWNS YOUR ASSES! YOU WOULD HAVE SUCKED A DICK IN THE PLAYOFFS ANYWAY, BITCHES! WOOOOOOOO! WHO DEY! WHO DEY! GET FUCKED, DC! WE’RE 1-2-1 AGAINST THE NFC EAST! WOOOOOOOO!!!

What motivates Steelers fans to humiliate the Bengals faithful even further? Isn’t it enough you invade their stadium, abuse the menfolk, fondle the womenfolk and take a dump in their precious Skyline Chili? Now you have to take to the YouTubes ahead of tonight’s resumption of the “rivalry” to rub salt into their festering wounds. Harsh, man, harsh.

Look at the bright side Cincinnatians, you are on a three-week undefeated streak. True, there was a bye week and a tie in there, but for the Bungles this is a tremendous step forward. Plus your true favorite team, the Buckeyes, are having another solid season. WHO DEY!!! WHO DEY!!!

[ via Steelers Depot ]

A used car salesman, trying to cheer on his beloved Bengals, got KTFO Sunday by a still-at-large Steeler fan. Randy Reed was knocked unconscious and suffered a broken wrist after the blindside assault at Paul Brown Stadium. Adding insult to injury, his favorite Rudi Johnson jersey was ruined. What, pray tell, could have touched off such a violent scene?

“The guy said something about (Bengals president) Mike Brown. I’m one of the few people who will defend him, which is getting harder to do these days. I said, ‘Yeah, well, at least he’s not selling the team. You guys are going to be the L.A. Steelers.’ And the next thing I remember is waking up in the security office.”

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Could you imagine a guy from Harvard trying to play for the Bengals? We don’t have to! Ryan Fitzpatrick, who used to play with the Rams, is a Harvard alum! He’s really smart! He signed a one-year tender offer with Hamilton County Correctional in April, and agreed to keep a running diary through his first Bengals training camp, exclusively for KSK. Here’s the first installment from Ryan’s diary, a unique perspective from behind the scenes of a legitimate NFL franchise!

July 28

Camp started today here in Georgetown, Kentucky. I didn’t join the Bengals until September of last year, so this is actually my first camp with the team. That’s helpful since I have a good assessment of the players around me.

And my assessment is this: I’d rather be the cum rag at a porno shoot than be on this team. My Harvard team was never like this. At Harvard, we treated every teammate like a member of his own family. Even the colored guys. This is no family. Maybe what this team needs is a mom. Not a real mom, but someone like that fat readhead from The Facts Of Life. Man, that was a great show.

This is gonna be a long year.

August 1

Had the intrasquad scrimmage today. The warden said everyone looked good today. Oops, I mean Coach Lewis. I refer to him as the warden when I call home. I guess I could have just scratched that line off.

I guess I played pretty well today, but I’m getting tired of splitting reps with Carson Palmer’s brother. Or gay lover. Do homos share last names? Or just their immunodeficiency viruses? If that faggot ever tries to use my water bottle, we’re gonna have a problem. No wonder Carson’s clothes are so clean.

I miss normal white people.

August 6

Last day of two-a-days today, and you can really tell around here, because Kyle Larson just got shanked in the cafeteria. I told him not to go in there on meatloaf days; those animals just can’t control themselves. Where are the guards in this place? I’m already carrying pepper spray in each hand when I walk through the dorms. Maybe I should get a Taser.

The Warden says I look good. I just want to play football, but I don’t know if I can do it here.

August 11

Just finished our preseason game with Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers told me how much pressure he’s been under this offseason. Whatever. Wait until your offensive line tries to rape you in the shower, Aaron. Try eluding that rush and get back to me. He doesn’t know how good he has it over there. I’d rather live in Green Bay than Cincinnati. I think I’d rather live in Rosie O’Donnell’s ass than Cincinnati.

This place is really starting to get to me.

Thanks, Ryan! Can’t wait to hear more from you as the season continues!