Last night, during the first round of the NFL Draft, Rutgers wide receiver Mohamed Sanu received a call from a Bengals official telling him the team was about to select him with the 27th overall pick. So, Sanu was understandably surprised when Roger Goodell sauntered up to the podium and said Kevin Zeitler’s name instead. It turns out that Sanu had been the victim of an especially goonish prank phone call, as confirmed by his agent on Twitter:
Very cruel prank call to a Sanu tonight – very sad that someone would do that. My apologies to the twitter world for my tweet.
[phone rings]
Mohamed Sanu: Hello?
Voice on Telephone: [over background laughter] Yeah, hello. Is this Mohamed Sanu?
Mohamed Sanu: Speaking.
Voice on Telephone: [muffles receiver with palm, says "Yo shutupshutup, it's him"] Yeah, uh, this the Bengals. I mean, uh, this is Steve. Steve Bengals. Of the Cincinnati Bengals. You don’t know me.
We had drinks before the draft with Kobayashi. We’re not sure why this happened, but we appreciate Hugging Harold Reynolds for passing on this pic of him with Bengalmania (perhaps this wrestling-inspired gimmick was responsible for the WHAT! chants throughout the broadcast) and a photobombing Jets fan.
Very satisfying first round, all told. Trades! Roger Goodell hugs! So tender! So white! The Browns were suckered into moving up for no reason. Then they upped the humor ante and took Brandon Weeden, which will force a Colt McCoy trade to the Jets so they can have the most wholesome back-up QBs ever. The Dolphins took Tannehill and gave us a punchline for several years to come. The Cowboys did a cowboy thing and traded up for Mo Claiborne. The Patriots did two cowboys things and stopped following the Patriot Way of dropping down to compile picks. They’ll still be fellated for getting more talented on defense, though it’s not like they didn’t need that. Also the Eagles picked well, and that shouldn’t happen.
A lot of fun “character issues” players like Janoris Jenkins and Vontaze Burfict available for Day 2, so more fun with calling of names to be had, for sure.
I know a savvy businessman when I see one. And you, sir, may be the savviest one around.
[Hands over Voss bottle filled with tap water]
Now, I know you just completed the deal for your first sports franchise, bit it isn’t too soon to think about expanding your portfolio into other leagues. You’ve seen yourself the fantastic rate at which teams appreciate in value. If you wait any longer, you could be priced out of this golden opportunity.
Now, we all know that football teams are worth more than baseball teams, so I’m afraid I’m not willing to part with my club for anything less than $3.5 billion. I could get much more for the Bengals, you see. I could get $10 billion if I really wanted. Maybe $20 billion. But I’m willing to settle for a smaller figure because it’s important to me to sell to a party that I know has the team’s best interest at heart.
[Doesn't pay for phone service at team headquarters, uses secretary's cell phone for all calls]
You’re very connected to the Los Angeles area. If you purchased the Bengals, I expect that you would almost certainly relocate the team to that city. I can’t say that I would be in love with that idea, but if we bumped your offer up to the still very reasonable and affordable $4 billion mark, I could be convinced to be in support of the move.
You should know that you’re not buying some old broken down misbegotten franchise. We’ve built a winner here with a young talented core of players. We were in the playoff last season.
[Happy it wasn't a home game since it wouldn't have sold out]
Personally, I couldn’t blame you for relocating, of course. Thriving in a small market is a very difficult thing to do, even in the NFL. I’ve had to keep operating expenses down to maintain levels of profitability. That’s why I had to bum a ride to this Boston Market to meet with you. Wow, did you spring for the large gourmet side of creamed spinach? You are loaded, aren’t you?
Anyway, when you have your offer completed, you can fax it to CCS Paper Supply. We share a building with them and they let us use their fax machine. If you send something with my name on it, they’re usually pretty good about seeing that it gets in my hands. Great bunch of guys. They’ll be sad to see the team go.
If this is indeed, as many are describing it, the best offseason ever, then why have we written so much about old cheerleaders? Even in the best of conditions you have to scrape the bottom of the barrel. The creaky, dry old barrel that reeks of fish. Anyway, 43-year-old Bengals cheerleader Laura Vikmanis has just released a memoir with the unnecessarily long title “It’s Not About the Pom-Poms: How a 40-Year-Old Mom Became the NFL’s Oldest Cheerleader — and Found Hope, Joy, and Inspiration Along the Way”. I’ll presume the first draft had “To Pacman Jones Blasting One Between My Eyes” attached on the end.
Luckily, the kind souls at the Cincinnati Enquirer went to the trouble to skim through all that tedious hope, joy and inspiration stuff and found us a nice sleaze nugget to chuckle over.
“The most prominent division on the Ben-Gals is not between the young girls and the older girls but between the Real Boobs and the Fake Boobs,” Vikmanis writes in her new book. “This is despite the fact that at any given time, a third of the Real Boobs are considering implants.”
Uh oh! There’s dissension afoot in the #TeamRealBoobs ranks. I assume Mike Brown doesn’t care either way so long as the women with fake boobs are paying for them on their own.
The Steelers bested the Bengals because Andy Dalton isn’t as good as Tim Tebow is at winning despite playing shitty. Nevertheless, credit to a spiteful old Bengals fan for mocking a wee yinzer’s obnoxious acrostic sign. It’s possible, given the near identical lettering on the signs, that that is a father and son combo, in which case, let’s give him Father of the Year for not choking his son for rooting on a division rival.
Some of you people think I’m bluffing when I say that I’m leaving Cincinnati. For some reason, “I will never set foot in Paul Brown Stadium again” isn’t perfectly clear to some people. Well let me make this clear: I hate Cincinnati.
No, I really hate it. People say that they have real seasons here. I hate seasons. People say how nice everyone from Cincinnati is. I hate nice people. I grew up in California, where personal opinion is verboten, the way it should be. People that live here can’t even spell “Cincinnati.” Three Ns. One T. Not two Ns and two Ts. One. How hard is that? Read the rest of this entry »
For the second consecutive year, the Steelers play on the Monday night that the new Call of Duty game is released, which is less a coincidence in reality than it is on KSK, where Ben Roethlisberger’s KSKharacter is consumed with a single-minded obsession for the video game series. It’s really a shame that Ben isn’t openly a fan of CoD in real life. Treyarch was willing to let one famous athlete accused of rape in the commercial. What’s one more?
At least Roethlisberger might have enough sense to snipe Kimmel.
If you need some cheap manufactured drama for what is otherwise a barely interesting showdown of AFC North teams, remember that Chad Ochocinco in the off-season called the Steelers a “team of girls.” OOOHHH SNAPTACULAR! FEEL THE BURNINATION!
That probably didn’t do much to keep you glued in before Conan’s new show debuts at 11, so here are Peter King and Roger Goodell pictured today donning bibs and eating Skyline Chili. The key, dear commissioner, is nutmeg. Always nutmeg.
Oh, and here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation, in case you haven’t gotten enough blather about Wade Phillips getting and gifs of Eagles fans flipping out.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.
It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.
Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger
Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry
Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)
Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!
- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.
Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins
Verdict: OVER
Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones
Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham
Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)
Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.
- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.
Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy
Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)
Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?
- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.
Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)
Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:
- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.
Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins
Verdict: PUSH
After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.
An aged and desperate Terrell Owens has been signed by the Bengals to a one-year deal to replace the gimpy Antonio Bryant. Owens, a noted suicidal troublemaker with a penchant for roster insurrection, joins Adam “formerly Pacman” Jones, Cedric Benson, Matt Jones, Rey Maualuga, Tank Johnson and Chad Ochocinco to form the first-ever reality show about getting DUIs while doing cocaine in the back seat with underage girls who are holding your weapons cache and getting into a fight with your bodyguard. Also: making it rain Sun Chips. I think that covers all the bases of requisite jokes.
Sorry, I know this announcement is supposed to be more fun. Like, WOW, how can all these volatile components exist together without an orgy of orgies? But I don’t know. It’s set up like Dinner For Schmucks, in that there’s just such a purposeful overabundance of things that are really supposed to be funny that it renders everything banal and sad. Which is sorta fitting for Cincinnati.
Drivin’ that train, high on cocaine, Matt Jones you better watch your speed. The Bengals are back, baby! After a down year that saw the team’s collective arrests eclipsed by their win total, Cincinnati is on the path to rectification. They’ve agreed to terms on a contract with Matt Jones that will pay the receiver $700,000 (believed to equal $300,000 after taxes, commissions, and an eight ball). The former Jaguar sat out last season following his arrest for snorting coke in a parked car. Oh, and no word on whether they’ll offer a similar deal to Pacman Jones, although he’s also been worked out by Marvin Lewis. CHUH CHUH! [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Drivin’ that train, high on cocaine, Matt Jones you better watch your speed. The Bengals are back, baby! After a down year that saw the team’s collective arrests eclipsed by their win total, Cincinnati is on the path to rectification. They’ve agreed to terms on a contract with Matt Jones that will pay the receiver $700,000 (believed to equal $300,000 after taxes, commissions, and an eight ball). The former Jaguar sat out last season following his arrest for snorting coke in a parked car. Oh, and no word on whether they’ll offer a similar deal to 
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