Seems Carson Palmer’s loyalty to his alma mater is still a sore spot with some Ohio State fans. If I was going to express my disdain for someone, I doubt I’d parody such a lugubrious tune. It’s kind of hard to get fired up over Neil Young (who, incidentally, was dubbed “The Human Quaalude” by my sister after an excruciatingly dull live acoustic set).

And why is this guy so pissed off anyways? Palmer has already expressed his contrition in the most personal and heartfelt manner possible: a press release on his team’s official website. I bet on his birth certificate it says: “Carson Sincerity Palmer”.

CINCINNATI BENGALS WAR ROOM, two days ago

COACH LEWIS: Alright everyone, the draft’s about to start. We have the ninth pick overall. We’ve done a lot of research, and now it’s time for the payoff.

MIKE BROWN: What’s the latest on Chad, Coach? Are we getting good offers for him?

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading him. Period. End of story.

MIKE BROWN: But what if we get the right offer for him?

COACH LEWIS: There have been no good offers for Chad. Period. End of story. [sips milkshake]

MIKE BROWN: Hey, wait a second. Where’d you get that milkshake?

COACH LEWIS: UDF. Why?

MIKE BROWN: No, I mean, who paid for it?

COACH LEWIS: Uhh, I expensed it.

MIKE BROWN: That means I paid for it. This is just the kind of thing that can ruin a franchise, Marvin.

COACH LEWIS: Really, I thought it might take something more drastic, like, oh I don’t know, your entire tenure as general manager.

MIKE BROWN: Lout!

COACH LEWIS: Honky! I oughta –

[door flies open]

THE DANIEL: Good afternoon, Mr. Lewis.

MIKE BROWN: This is a restricted area, sir. You’ll have to leave.

COACH LEWIS: Hang on, Mike. I’m running this draft. How can I help you, sir?

THE DANIEL: Gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half your state to be here today. I couldn’t get away sooner because my luxury suites were being renovated and I had to see about it. Those suites are now flowing at two hundred thousand dollars each and it’s paying me an income of five million dollars a week. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m a football man, you will agree.

COACH LEWIS: I don’t agree.

THE DANIEL: Shut up. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to take your wide receiver, maybe one in twenty will be football men; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and your property-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. This is the way this works. I’m a family man- I run a family business. My name is Daniel Snyder. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Snyder.

H.W.: Hola.

COACH LEWIS: What is your offer? We’re wasting time.

THE DANIEL: I can offer you a first-round pick with a conditional third-round pick. If Chad has a successful season, we can upgrade that latter choice to a second-round, or even first round selection. If you’d like cash in addition to those two selections, then that’s fine.

MIKE BROWN: Two first-round picks AND CASH?!?! That’s pretty good.

COACH LEWIS: Chad Johnson is not for sale. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: I can guarantee to sign the deal today and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

MIKE BROWN: [pulls Coach Lewis aside] Marvin, you have to take this deal. This is a great deal. I know because I know a lot about running a football team!

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading him. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: Ah, you drive a hard bargain, Mr. Lewis. Let me sweeten the deal. I’ll throw in with my original deal, four alpacas and a year’s subscription to seventeen magazine.

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading Chad. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: I’ll throw in 5 links of sausage and a harpoon gun.

COACH LEWIS: No.

THE DANIEL: Six bottles of whiskey and a my old Animal House DVD, along with my bootleg copy of Cumming Into Money Part 4. It’s bank robbery porn.

COACH LEWIS: No. Now please leave. We’re about to start the draft. [picks up milkshake, but it's empty] Hey, what happened to–

THE DANIEL: I DRANK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRANK IT UP!

MIKE BROWN: Hey, where’s your son?

THE DANIEL: I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD!

COACH LEWIS: [picks up phone] Can we get security in here, please?

MIKE BROWN: You should really keep an eye on your son.

THE DANIEL: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY FAMILY! [runs out]

COACH LEWIS: You know, we could have used a couple good alpacas.

MIKE BROWN: Call him back if you want. Collect, of course.

CINCINNATI — A day after declining the Washington Redskins’ offer of potentially two first-round picks for wide receiver Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals shipped the restive wideout to omnipresent comedian Tyler Perry.

“Chad will fit in well with our stereotype-laden productions filled with embarrassingly silly, shiftless blacks,” Perry said from the set of his latest movie, “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to The Church Social,” which will be released exactly a week after his current project “Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns” leaves theatres.

“I got a vision for Chad. This next movie has a need for a goofy black mail carrier who occasionally hits the pipe. Knowing him, it won’t be hard to work in a exuberant dance number everytime he cracks a joke.”

“I think I’d be interested in seeing that,” said every black person you know.

In exchange for the Pro Bowler, the Bengals receive 10 percent of the box office receipts of any film that Johnson appears in, as well as a fat suit and a granny wig.

“We really found a situation that was best for all involved,” said Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “Chad got to leave the Bengals and we got a steady source of income to compensate for the team losing more of its increasingly frustrated fans.”

Reached for comment, Johnson made a motion of a circle with his finger then blew a burst of air through it. He laughed maniacally for five seconds, turned quickly and walked off.

This is a shot of a Bengals jersey currently being auctioned on eBay by some guy calling himself blitzmaster77. And unlike blitzmasters one through 76, this asshole’s getting fresh with this particular internet venture, a supposedly autographed, game-worn Willie Anderson jersey. And with about three days of bidding left, the high bid is only $31 (with a $20 shipping fee):

This is a 2004 game jersey used by cincinnati Bengals Great and 4-time Pro bowler, Willie Anderson during the 2004 season…Comes with PSA/DNA sticker(#1N15410) and NFL auctions C.O.A….Thanks, Chris.

Pretty sweet deal, right?

Fuck no, it isn’t. There is no way in hell that this jersey was ever worn during an NFL game. As they say, the numbers don’t lie.

The Bengals updated to the sewn-on block numeral style you see in the top shot in 1997. The change from the heat-sealed numerals was termed as “evolutionary, not revolutionary.” This update also incorporated a new sleeve logo, but we’re getting off topic.

When the Bengals broke out all-new duds in 2004, they went with a fatter, Impact-fontish, rounded numeral set. The jersey itself was updated, including the orange striping on the shoulders that we can see in blitzmaster’s pic. But dude put on the old numbers.

If you buy enough shit online, you’re going to get scammed eventually. But that doesn’t make pigfucker77 any less of an asshole. Nor does it give you an excuse to be stupid. I’d bet that autograph is a forgery as well. I can only hope that the assholes bidding on this are shoeless rednecks in Covington who could only keep track of their team’s colors by tattooing them on their arms, right below their sister’s/wife’s name.

Sucks for them, really.

Yeah, so Chad Johnson got hurt in the Buffalo game yesterday after…actually, I have no fucking clue how he got hurt. But, yeah, he was just laying down there and the meat wagon had to come in and scoop his ass up. Pretty freaky; I’m glad we haven’t seen an injury like that in Buffalo for awhile.

Anyway, the CT scan was negative (whatever that is) and he flew back to Cincy with the team. Actually, they flew back to Kentucky, because that’s where the Cincinnati airport is. No, I’m serious. They’re putting everything in Kentucky now. Cincinnati’s going to hell in a hip pocket. All the good shit is across the river now. Anyway, Chad might be laid up for a while. The bad news? We lost to the Bills, and we are sucking some fine cock at 2-6.

Too bad the ambulance thing has already been done, Chad. That would have been a sweet addition to your end zone celebration repertoire. But, then you’d actually have to be scoring touchdowns for that to happen.

Though receiving scant attention from the mainstream press, Marvin Lewis yesterday was continuing his mentoring program with Cincinnati-area at-risk youth.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, glad you could make out here today, uh…

At-risk youth: Terence Hawkins.

Marvin Lewis: Terence, right. Okay, I’m gonna let you take over for a bit. We’re up 3-0. We stopped the Steelers on their opening drive, but now they’re moving down the field. This is a critical point in the game. Our offense is playing well, but we don’t need to play catch-up on this defense. Whaddaya got for me?

At-risk youth: Okay, right. Okay. Yeah. I think I remember what my mans was telling me to do last week. Let’s try this…Madieu Williams, spin around real fast.

Madieu Williams: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa

At-risk youth: Cool. A’yo, Leon Hall. When Hines Ward makes a routine move to the inside I want you to run straight at that goal post.

Leon Hall: Goal post. Got it.

At-risk youth: Dhani Jones, take a seat.

Dhani Jones: Has anyone espied my copy of “Piscatorial Eclogues”? You would be ill-advised if you displaced my Dr. Cornel West bookmark.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, who are you subbing in for Jones?

At-risk youth: No one.

Marvin Lewis: But you only got 10 men on the field.

At-rish youth: ‘xactly. It’s called the 46 defense. Because four plus six equals ten. I learned that shit last week from the new Mick Boogie mixtape.

Marvin Lewis: What’s it called?

At-risk youth: ’s called “Four Plus Six Equals Ten.”

Marvin Lewis: What does tha–

At-risk youth: It’s about drugs.

Marvin Lewis: But you can’t have only 10 men on the field. It makes it easier on the offense.

At-risk youth: Nah, nah, coach. My man told me ’bout this thing, right. Like, he told me, if you play 10 dudes on dis down, you can play, like, 12 on the next and shit. And you if you play nine dudes…

Marvin Lewis: YOU CAN PLAY 13! Oh, man. That is genius. Yo, Bresnahan.

Bresnahan: Yeah?

Marvin Lewis: You’re fired. Terence here is my new defensive coordinator.

(Bresnahan shrugs, walks away without bothering to take headset off.)

At-risk youth: Aight. I’m thinking, like, we play, like, five guys per play in the second quarter, then in the second half, we can play the whole team on defense.

Marvin Lewis: Fantastic. If Tomlin didn’t wear sunglasses all the damn time, you could see the terror in his eyes.

At-risk youth: Yo, can I get your prints on this gun, right quick?

I guess I should be pretty satisfied that the Bengals gave up “only” 34 points while being dismantled by the Patriots last night. But after watching Sammy Morris run all over us, I don’t think I can. Before the game, I really thought that we had a chance to win this game, get to 2-2, and go into the bye week on a high note. I thought our offense could run with Brady’s unit, match them score-for-score (hehe, “unit”), and keep it close through three quarters.

Instead, we got our shit owned.

By now, everybody knows our defense is worse than a first date with Ufford that doesn’t involve the exchange of bodily fluids. And I can’t really pin the blame for it on the front office; injuries and law enforcement have been most unkind to this team of late. Carson Palmer gets his knee shredded in the playoffs, and he’s back by Week One. The defense has enjoyed spinal injuries, arrests, suspensions, there’s a DUI in there someplace. And to think we couldn’t get Tank Johnson on this team. Maybe I should blame the front office.

I’d love to go batshit about this loss like Drew and Ape had done when their respective teams shit the bed on Sunday, but I can’t. This wasn’t a game that slipped away; we were just outclassed on both sides of the ball. Again. We’re 1-3 now, and lucky to have the 1. And while we finally are comfortable knowing that our offense will sell lots of jerseys, our defense won’t be selling anything anytime soon.

Yeah, that ending was kinda gay.

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals’ defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?

Marvin Lewis: Goddamit Deltha O’Neal! What is this I hear about your Rott attacking a woman and her daughter?

O’Neal: They was asking for it. Literally, they said “please, doggie, bite us viciously in our ass and legs,” at least that’s what the canine psychic said Dogtha O’Kee-ill said they said to him. Anyway, I wasn’t even arrested, coach.

Lewis: It don’t matter. I don’t need any headlines like this. The more these things crop up, the more heat I get. Mike Brown has already made it apparent that he’s cool with me missing the playoffs, so long as I don’t need to have anymore sit-downs with the Rog about player discipline. So we’re spending the rest of the week learning about comportment and etiquette. We’re off to the Skyline School for Wayward Bengals.

O’Neal: But coach, we haven’t finished preparing for the Browns.

Lewis: You let me worry about that. I’m not getting shitcanned on account of your antics.

Lewis: Okay, I want you guys to have a well-mannered, professional game out there. I want you to stay the fuck away from that Jamal Lewis guy. He’s gonna steer you wrong, get you into that bad shit. Under no circumstances are you to interact with him.

Michael Myers: Aren’t we gonna need to tackle him though?

Lewis: The fuck I just stay? Keep away from the muthafucka.

/Jamal Lewis runs for a 43-yard touchdown.

Caleb Miller: Coach! I was gonna tackle Jamal, but he was trying to offer me a good price on an ounce of rock, so I let him go right on by.

Lewis: You did the right thing. That’s some fine work, son.

/Braylon Edwards catches a 60-yard touchdown pass.

Leon Hall: Coach, man, dawg, we gotta do something. We’re gonna lose to the goddamn Browns. You know embarassing this is?

Lewis: Don’t try to lecture me on defense. I was a defensive coach for the Steelers, Ravens and Redskins when they all had top-ranked units. Didn’t you go to Michigan? You should know about embarassing losses. App State, right?

Hall: Uh, that was this year’s team. I entered the draft following last season.

Lewis: Well, Detroit’s in Michigan, right? Still the murder capital of the country, isn’t it? But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Leon?

Hall: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in Detroit!

Lewis: You just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?

/Kellen Winslow scores on a 73-yard pass and doesn’t even bother to run half the way.

Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan: Marvin, I don’t know about this idea to let at-risk youth design our defensive schemes.

Lewis: And why the fuck not? We need something to burnish our image with the community.

Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.

Lewis: They got the new Talib?

Bresnahan: What?

Lewis: Nothing.

…

Forget it. Just follow the kid’s plays, would ya?

/Derek Anderson throws another eight TDs.

Lewis: Contract extension, here I come.

The Bengals and Steelers this weekend renew the rivalry that wasn’t really a rivalry until about a year ago when the former team decided to be good again after 15 seasons of NFL laughingstockery.

Much of the attention lavished upon the resurgent Bengals has focused on the Chad Johnson New Millennium Minstrel Show and the loverly Cincinnati ghetto anthem “Who Dey?” Setting aside the obvious debt the chant owes to JT Money’s painful 1999 semi-hit “Who Dat,” it wasn’t immediately clear to what it was referring.

Was it a vaguely self-deprecating inquiry of just who these gang of upstarts are that are lifting playoffward a team with a dismal recent history? Was it an attempt to brush up on their knowledge of the history of the Ottoman Empire? Sadly, instead, the complete chant, “Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey, think they gonna beat them Bengals?” decodes as something to the effect of, “I say! Who are these ruffians, who, in their temerity, believe themselves capable of besting our squadron in a contest of American footballing?”

How these Bungalites took umbrage when their noble, solemn cry was co-opted by one of their arch-villains, Trap-Jaw. But, as these things go, the mocking of “Who Dey?” has turned into that most boomeranging (read: overblown) influences - bulletin board material - The Cincinnati Enquirer explains:

Cowher first borrowed the line in the postgame celebration after the
Steelers defeated the Bengals 31-17 in an AFC wild card playoff game Jan. 8 at
Paul Brown Stadium.

“Who dey?” he yelled to his players.

“We dey,” they screamed back in unison.

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, a Cowher assistant coach for four seasons in Pittsburgh, showed film of Cowher’s cheer Wednesday morning to his players.

Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson saw the video Wednesday for the first time. “I didn’t like it,” Johnson said. “It was very rude.”

Johnson later said the actions of the Pittsburgh fans were “not cricket and rather unsporting…HUGH!!!!”

He then wandered off aimlessly to, he said, prepare an endzone celebration involving a Terrible Towel, a Segway, some parkour kids and the corpse of recently deceased Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor.