On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now.

July 30th: Chris Mortensen is reporting that there is a bus behind him. This bus, Mort explains, is the most lavish vehicle that has ever been in his charge, and admits that he’ll have a difficult time keeping his journalistic principles in check during the trip. “This is ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, reporting in front of my new 18-wheeled passport into the panties of women in 21 different NFL cities.” That it is, Mort. That it is.

August 4th: Mort visits Green Bay and has a delightful encounter with Darlene, a waitress at a nearby diner. “”Titletown doesn’t have the same level of talent that I’ve seen in Dallas , Tennessee, and Atlanta,” Mort tells us. “I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.” Mort and Darlene reportedly reached a deal. Terms were not disclosed.

August 6th: Mort’s bus rolls into Bourbonnais, Illinois for Bears camp. While looking for directions, Mort meets Kelli (with an “i”), an spohomore-to-be at Olivet Nazarene and, according to anonymous reports within the school, a very bad girl. Kelli tells Mort that Bourbonnais is located squarely within Kankakee County, and proposes that Mort gather some of the Bears together for a Kankakee-kkake. Mort leaves immediately, hoping to confirm the county’s whimsical name with a second source.

August 8th: Allen Park, Michigan, a town deader than the flying wedge or VHS format, but Mort manages to find life in Lions camp with Lisa, a PR intern responsible for distributing press releases to working media present in camp. Mort repays Lisa the favor with a release of his own.

August 10th: Mort finds himself in Latrobe, Pennsylvania with Kim, a 27-year-old lifeguard at a nearby community pool. Mort responds to Kim’s taunts of Steelers domination in the recent Super Bowl by proposing “one for the taint.” Kim is down with it.

Chris Mortensen reported that copious amounts of ass was there to be had, but that it was still too early to declare a clear favorite. Preseason, after all, is about getting reps for the younger people and sharpening skills for the veterans. Only one side can come out on top at the end of the campaign, Mort says. Here’s hoping that Mort gets a few more miles out of that bus before it’s time for the grind of a new NFL season.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen just reported live on SportsCenter that Shawne Merriman’s season is over and he’s ready to have reconstructive surgery on his fucked up knee.

From what I understand, this means that Merriman will be in uniform on Sunday. Good news, Charger fans!

“I know I can still play, but it’s like I told my wife, I’m just tired mentally. I’m just tired,”

What Mort didn’t go on to report is the subsequent conversation that took place when Mort got off of the shitter and checked his voicemail…

Hey Brett! Sorry I missed your call, I was knuckle deep in some serious mud butt.

Don’t you have journalists to do that for you?

Sadly, no. But hey, you mentioned something about retiring because you’re tired. What’s up with that?

You know, I’m just tired. I’m tired of reading the playbook, I’m tired of scouting opponents, and I’m tired of not getting to play with Moss.

I hear ya, Brett. Like I’ve always said, football is a thinking man’s game like chess. The pawns are the linemen, the rooks are the wideouts, the bishops are the tight ends, and the knights are the running backs. But the quarterback is like the king and the queen in one! The queen is your athletic side while the king is your brainy side. It must really have taken a toll over all these years.

…

Brett?

What the fuck is chess?

It’s like fancy checkers.

Chinese or domestic?

It doesn’t matter, your brain has had enough strain.

Hey, that rhymes!

It certainly does, Brett. So what are you going to do now that you’re retired?

I need a job that doesn’t require so much thinking and preparation.

Heck, you could come work in Bristol any time!

Nah, Berman creeps me out.

He’ll do that.

Hey, I know! Do you have Sean’s phone number?

Nope, I deleted it a while back. There was some…unpleasantness.

Damn. I sure would like to hitch my wagon to that Salisbury Brand he’s been talkin’ about. It’s like that guy gets paid to not think. What a great fuckin’ country.

God bless it.

Hell yeah! And fuck the French!

Yeah, and the blacks too!

What?!

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ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells ESPN’s “Mike & Mike” that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells ESPN’s John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!

NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it’s totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo’s Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN’s Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!