Name: Chris Howard Long
Nickname: None needed.

Reason to Hate Him Site Unseen: His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.

Father: Howie Long, television personality.
Mother: Teri Hatcher, real and spectacular.

DNA Sample: Gattaca’d

Height: Good.
Weight: Great.
Strength: Grand.

Motor: High.

Mainstream Comparison: Patrick Kerney.
KSK Comparison: Uh…Howie Long?

Who Wants Him: Journalists
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. But the real contest will be the battle royal between journalists. The last man standing will receive all rights towards any future Chris Long journoporn.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: What, are you fucking kidding me? He’s the golden child. God forbid he should be photographed passed out drunk on The Lawn next to a crusty old longshoreman.

Immediate Impact: Immediately impactful.
Down the Road: Annual Pro Bowl trips, warranted or otherwise.