For weeks leading up to my nuptials, my new wife went on and on about a great surprise she was putting together for my wedding present. I’d never heard of the bride and groom exchanging presents, and I’m still pretty much convinced that it was all an elaborate ruse to compel me to buy her jewelry (it worked). As it turns out, the present was pretty great.

You see, Sarah’s brilliant plan was to solicit well wishes from some of my favorite people (athletes and rappers, naturally), then insert them into the sappy slideshow we presented at our rehearsal dinner. I don’t know if my in-laws are familiar with Chris Cooley, but now they know that he wants me to bang their daughter. Hard.

So thanks to Chris for being a good sport and making everybody laugh. If this is what you get for posting an athlete’s dong on Deadspin then I guess AJ should be expecting a video of the Land Baron sitting on a riding mower any day now.

Continue after the jump for the regularly scheduled sexiness.

Do you know the hardest thing about coming back home after spending a week on a Caribbean island? Walking out the door and not being surrounded by strangers in bikinis. Jarring.

Check out Bikini Bridge (NSFW) for more.

The off-season is a time of great boredom for players and fans alike. Perhaps that’s why Chris Cooley decided to film himself chugging all of his favorite condiments, from Frank’s to ranch dressing. Eh, it’s better than Chad Ochocinco’s reality show. Or so I assume.

Oh Cooleys, don’t ever change.

Note: What follows is the censored version of the Cooley Zone preview webisode. The original was yanked by the NFL because they get off on your frustrations.

Well it looks like the NFL has pulled the censored version as well. Hopefully Reel Jems won’t splice NFL game footage into subsequent webisodes.

While I can’t speculate as to the goings on in future episodes, I’d venture to guess that we’ll see plenty gratuitous shots of Christy looking hot and at least one brotherly slap-fight that ends with Chris forcing Tanner to hit himself repeatedly. Oh, and I’d say there’s a 75% chance that Chris downs a few beers pisses on that hornets nest at some point.

[Reel Jems Productions]

By continuing to shill for a local car dealership! It seems Eastern Motors gave creative control to the Redskins players appearing in the ad. Therefore, we only get Cooley ass shots. Had they only spent the money to get Zack Snyder to direct, we’d get three solid minutes of more Cooley penis dancing on the playbook.

[Gunaxin]

One day when the directors cut is released we will finally find out exactly how many times the word “gay” was used to describe Colt Brennan’s actions. No matter the amount one thing is certain, Jamie Mottram is not pleased.

Chris Cooley’s Blog

Training camp is about to start and is exciting for every football fan in America. Fuck Town for me. Inside scoop around Redskins Park sounds like no shortage of two-a-days. The numbers of days mentioned by Skins personnel seems to be climbing like an eBay auction in the last minute. At least I can look forward to a month of fun in the sun… …. …. (Borat) … NOT!!

Camp Q and A: Cooley, how much more exciting is it to have the fans attend practice during camp? Real answer, “It really doesn’t matter, I just put on a ass load of sweaty equipment, my body feels like dog shit and now I get to smash my head into 50 other guys for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter if the audience is 5,000 naked women, (link NSFW) practice is practice and it’s shitty.” Well, at least naked women would draw more of the player’s attention to sign autographs when practice ends. “Damn it, I dropped the pen again. My hands are just so slippery, reach down and grab that for me real quick.”

The one cool thing about the first month of camp is living in a dorm room. I love it when I get to leave my 2.8 million dollar house and live in a 400 square foot box, trade in the Mercedes for the bus, and curl up in my twin bed. The TV’s are great too, who isn’t happy when they pick up 10 total channels on a 24 inch box? Yea, I guess now people can say what a ungrateful bastard I am and how much anyone would give to play pro football, but please, whether it’s a high school or NFL training camp, it’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.

Camp Q and A: Cooley, How do you think the Redskins are gonna be this year? Answer I would like to give: “Well, we’re practicing to lose every game by about 30, so I guess terrible.” No one knows how their team is going to be until more than half way through the season. Last year is a perfect example, even into week 17 no one would have picked New York to win the Super Bowl, but weird shit happens in the NFL. In reality they were 1 or 2 plays from being one of the average teams of the year. The difference from average to great in football is so minimal.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and wish I wouldn’t have taken anything for granted. I’ll stop and think I should have loved every minute of it. Then I’ll look at my fucked up shoulders and knees and take it back.

Really, I love football, but training camp just takes the fun out of the game. It’s just for me; the season couldn’t come any sooner. Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season, including most of May and June practicing and running plays with the team. Give me three weeks, maybe two preseason games and let me play the Super Bowl champs. I promise I’d be ready.

Chris Cooley is saving so much time using Big Daddy Drew’s personal shopping service that he had time to attend the pre-party for the Redskins’ Super Bowl XXII Reunion with his fucktastic (it’s a compliment!) fiancé Christy.

Poster KB24 over at Redskins Warpath has all sorts of great pictures of the pre-party and a friend of Mister Irrelevant came through with some pictures of the actual event. Want to see how your favorite players have aged? Here’s a hint…

In other news that you’ve probably heard by now, Captain Chaos has taken his newfound blog skills over to Shutdown Corner at Yahoo(!) Sports Blogs. Cooley joins Rod Benson in Yahoo!’s stable of fucking hilarious athlete-bloggers.

via Mister Irrelevant