When the Steelers weren’t getting manhandled by Aldon Smith, they were busy turning the ball over. Whoops, there goes the 1 seed, Yinzburgh. Best of luck with the Tebow Time versus The Ben morality play in the first round of the playoffs. Should make for fun sermons on the wickedness of rapeyness. Of course, the actual game wasn’t the biggest story of the night. Not when there were rolling flaming gay blackouts that reminded Chris Berman of earthquakes that he was able to experience firsthand and tell you about, even though they have zero bearing on ongoing breaking news.

“JUST LIKE 1989 WHEN I WENT TO THE TROUBLE TO BE AT THINGS AND REPORT LIKE I GAVE A SHIT. THAT WAS BEFORE CANNED SOUND EFFECTS BECAME MY CALLING CARD! WHAT MARVELS I SAW! WHAT MIRACLES I OBSERVED! Don’t you wish to know what I was like then? You’d like that guy. He thought about people. Bzzzzt. SIKE! PEOPLE LIKE ME! HAHAHA, THAT EARTHQUAKE WAS JUST MY EGO SHIFTING ITS WEIGHT.”

No one yet had any idea what happened other than that a transformer, like the scientific process, went boink. But no one has any less of an idea than WORST JOURNO EVER John Sutcliffe, reporter for ESPN Deportes who happened to be on hand in San Francisco to get no useful information whatsoever about the two power outages.

“When asked why they went out, the upper tier lights had no comment.”

Well, I went up to the control room. They wouldn’t open the door for me, but I banged loudly and offered chips. When they cracked the door open a slice and reuested that I prove that I have chips, I let them inspect the bag. At that time, they slid the chips inside the door and slammed it behind them. At this point, the status of the chips is unclear. BACK TO YOU, GUYS!

HARF HARF HARF COME BACK JAMES HARRISON AND HEAD SHOT THE LIGHTS BACK ON

AWWWW JAMES HARRISON Y U NO STOP THE HIGH ANKLESPOT FROM THROWING PICKERFUMBLECEPTIONS?

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

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LIVE BLOG SNEAK ATTACK! Yes, it’s the one baseball event before September that’s actually somewhat enjoyable to watch. Or at least it would be if Berman didn’t force his shtick on everyone throughout the entire telecast. You know he’s spent the entire afternoon memorizing suburbs outside St. Louis so that every home run he has something stupid to yell out. “THAT ONE’S HEADING FOR CHESTERFIELD!” Oh, how you must die, Berman, you don’t even know how you must die.

We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, I’d like to present you with our new off-topic (or on-topic this week) offseason feature…

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Someone dipped into the deux-deux-deuxs pretty heavily this morning. It’s like his hair was going to stay in place and then WOP!

Maj said Boomer has obviously been drinking his TrimSpa brand fortified wine. I say he is only the latest victim of the array of diseases Leinart is spreading around Tampa.

UPDATE: “Why you intelview the knee? It go tark funny!”

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 4 in the NFL happen as they did.

First of all, happy new year to all of my chosen people out there! Except for that one fucking yid. You know, the blowhard asshole on ESPN who is always making up crappy nicknames. Oh come on, you know the guy I’m talking about. Big fat lump of shit that’s always laughing at his own jokes, even though his shtick got old around the time those no good fuckers started penning that “new” testament. Me damn it, what the fuck is that asshole’s name?

Anyway, let’s move on to the other stories I’ve helped influence over the past week after the jump. Why the jump? BECAUSE IT IS MY WILL!

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In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends, fans, and colleagues.

Thanks Boomer!