Welcome to the WILDCARD edition of Always Be Covering! I got lucky last week when I was unable to get my bet down on New England. The result? 3-0 in the remaining straight up bets and a surprising win on a 3-team teaser. Damn, Week 17 rules. Oh well, we’re on to the playoffs now and this is where shit gets tight like underage vagina.

As if you couldn’t tell after two years of the MOST guaranteed football picks on the planet, I am a fucking (non-Germanic) wunderkind. And I’m not just about identifying winners in practically HALF of the games I pick, it also extends into the world of fantasy. You may remember a certain Big Daddy briefly mentioning his abject failure in the finals of the Yahoo!!! Blogxperts league, but what’s really important was that it was I that kicked his big old hairy ass. It wasn’t just a victory for me, but for all of the other beautiful youngsters out there. So feel free to join me in a quick celebration…

Oh shit, I think I’m a bit too jacked up for this, hang on…

On to the Wildcard picks! Each wager is for an even fifty (just like the one pictured above, only less numb).

Washington +3.5 at Seattle

My Redskins aren’t the team of destiny that all of the shitbreath analysts are making them out to be, but they sure as hell can hang with the ass-spelunking Seahawks. Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren will each be given an extra five timeouts to ensure that they don’t fuck things up too royally.

Jacksonville -3 at Pittsburgh

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, “Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs.” Then there’s the ancient Korean proverb that reads, “Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!” At first I was torn, then I remembered that Koreans don’t know dick about the NFL.

New York Giants +3 at Tampa Bay

You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs.If you’ve ever had an aneurysm you know what I’m talking about. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT PULSING IN YOUR CEREBELLUM!

San Diego -10 vs. Tennessee

Hey, I remembered to pick a home team! They tend to do fairly well in the post season if I’m not mistaken. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden should get a special ribbon for trying really really hard every year.

There you have it people, the locks of the week. Here’s what I’ll be doing with my winnings…

Enjoy the magical weekend everyone. I’ll be taking you through it all over at Deadspin.

ed. note: I have no clue what’s going to happen this weekend, so just pretend that I made this picks on Xanax. Yes…pretend.

Name: Amobi Okoye-not a Jew…yet

Height: He’d offer you a ride in his limo, but he’s got to stretch his shit out. He’s a tall drink of water, don’t want to wrinkle anything.
Weight: 21.5 Stones

Urine Sample: Excellence
Stool Sample: Smells like Calvin Klein’s Obsession…for Teeth Ass

Mainstream Comparison: Adewale Ogunleye (real original guys!)
KSK Comparison: Harold Wormser

Who Wants Him: ME! I think I’m developing a new man-crush.
Who Will Take Him: If he doesn’t come willingly I will take him by force.

Hobbies: The same as any red-blooded 19 year old… Going to R rated movies without a parent or guardian, drinking, voting, tobacco products, renting cars, military service, making sexy time with 17 year-olds, and jury duty.
Favorite Food: The Souls of Black Folk…or was that his favorite book? My notes are a bit messy but the book makes a bit more sense.
Favorite Expression: Cellar door

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He started high school at the age of twelve because he was so fucking smart after moving from Nigeria (suck on that you racist internet trolls!) Then he played every game as a 16 year-old frosh at Louisville while taking on a course load that would make a Wyatt Sexton go off the deep end. He graduated at the age of 19 after 3.5 years making him the smartest person in the history of Kentucky not named Flubby, Mrs. Flubby, Lil’ Gusflub, or Colonel Sanders.

Immediate Impact: Dick Vermeil thinks he’ll be great as soon as he loses the diapers.

Down the Road: Because he’s starting his career at such a young age he’s going to hit free agency at the age of 24. Most guys sign that contract when they’re 26 or 27. As long as he puts together a good career he’s looking at a rookie contract and three big time veteran contracts. Hey Amobi, you’re going to need a damn good (read: Jewish) agent. So, uh…challah at a brother!

Update: It looks like Dan Snyder is once again driving me to the ledge. Instead of drafting my boy Okoye he wants to trade for Lance Briggs. So who would you rather have on your team, the gifted, brilliant, young lineman or the guy who keeps threatening to initiate Operation Shutdown? All of these great linebackers from the U of A and we have to go after this douche? Why didn’t we just keep Antonio Pierce? FUCK!