Look, the Bears defense had an outstanding night. You can qualify that by saying they faced Tyler Thigpen and that the Dolphins lost another starting lineman and Brandon Marshall during the game. Either way, you don’t go on the road and shut out a team with a winning record without playing exceedingly well.

That said, Matt Millen can eat a kiddie pool full of Dungeness dicks for slathering his Rod Marinelli love juices all over the broadcast. No one wants to hear him slobber over and shamelessly defend one of his former employees in Detroit. Yeah, Rod Marinelli might be doing a fine job as a defensive coordinator, but he was horrid as a head coach and Millen touting his excellence doesn’t make his stint in Detroit any less a disaster. It’s a goddamn joke.

And, of course, whenever you get either the Bears or the Dolphins, you’re in store for a QB carousel graphic or four. Get the teams on the same field and they have to do a separate set of player introductions just to fit them all in.

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With the two Chads injured, Miami is forced to turn to Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. It’s once again Coastal Carolina’s time to shine! But let’s not downplay the difficulty of the task. How could Thigpen possibly hope to replace the nine touchdowns and 11 interceptions Chad Henne has contributed to this offense? Hopefully it involves raping more skeletons.

Every pundit presumes the Dolphins are going to revert to a Wildcat-heavy offense, which is actually kind of a relief. If you’ve watched any of their games this year, you know how announcers like to breathlessly explain how Miami hasn’t actually used the formation much this year, as though they were the first to strike upon such keen insight.

The Bears, meanwhile, are 6-3 but have only defeated one team with a winning record this year, and that was the Packers in the Monday night game where Green Bay committed something like 56,000 penalties. And if history has taught us anything, this is right around the time of year that Jay Cutler begins to sabotage any hope of his team making the playoffs.

Oh, and because I don’t feel like writing a separate post for it – here’s yet another example of Bill Simmons being a douchetard on television, via PTI today.

Kornheiser asked what to make of Justin Bieber wearing a Yankees hat at a concert in Boston or somesuch shit no one cares about and Simmons said the move was “beatdownworthy.” Of course he did.

“NO LITTLE FACKIN HOMO WIGGAH KID STEALS TAWWMMY BRADY’S TRADEMAHHK HAY-UH AND TRADEMAAHHK YANKEES HATS AND DOES NAWT PAY IN BLOOD! BILLY SIMMONS, BLUEBUG AND THE HOLY CRAWSS POSS WILL BEAT THAT ASS, BEEBAH!”

I wish no ill upon the Bears; Chicago is a wonderful city that has provided me with many good times. And I have nothing against Jay Cutler and his stupid sulky face. I hope his concussion isn’t serious, because his interceptions give me great pleasure from week to week.

Bears fans, on the other hand, can go piss up a rope. This gallery of Cutler suffering brain damage is for every Facebook status I read over the last couple of weeks that said “BEARS!” instead of “Ugh, we really didn’t deserve to win that one.”

Enjoy.

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Remember Week 1 last year when the Bears and Packers played in primetime and Jay Cutler, weighed down by the expectations of being supposedly the first halfway decent Chicago quarterback in forever, threw four interceptions, and thus set the tone for an epically sulktastic season? Yeah, me neither.

But the Bears and Packers are meeting again tonight in another early season primetime game. Both teams are unbeaten, though the Bears really have to thank the league’s indefensibly retarded rules for what constitutes a reception for that. That bullshit notwithstanding, Cutlerf*cker is playing significantly better than he did in 2009, while Aaron Rodgers has continued being generally very good. Green Bay’s running game faltered last week without Ryan Grant, with alleged fantasy savior Brandon Jackson rushing for all of 19 yards against Buffalo.

Oh, and I didn’t get all the way through this clip, but I think the Packers have to win or this little girl will die of cancer. Steep odds!

Would you like to avoid dying of cancer? Learn more by checking out this week’s Designed Rush column at SB Nation.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC North, the ancestral home of the Land Baron bloodline.

CHICAGO BEARS

The Smirk ‘N’ Sulk Connection

Key Additions: Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, Brandon Manumaleuna

Key Departures: Alex Brown, Nathan Vasher, Adewale Ogunleye, Kevin Jones, Orlando Pace, Gaines Adams (very far departed)

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:

- Jay Cutler is dating “The Hills’” Kristin Cavallari. This factoid represents the entirety of The Big Lead’s knowledge of the Chicago Bears.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous fact.
- Having been burned by Matt Forte last year, there’s almost zero chance he doesn’t run for 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns this season. I’m already working myself into a homicidal lather just thinking about it.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous murderous fantasy.
- The Bears are now out of challenges.

Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins

Verdict: PUSH

I think Cutlerf*cker will improve over the interception bonanza he had in his first season in Chicago. Then again, that means probably still he’ll throw, like, 15 picks. I’m high on Devin Aromashodu to have a breakout year. Signing Julius Peppers and having Brian Urlacher back certainly helps some on defense, but they still need more improvement than that.

DETROIT LIONS

via, in case you didn’t catch the watermark

Key Additions: Ndamukong Suh, Jahvid Best, Tony Scheffler, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Nate Burleson, Rob Sims, Shaun Hill

Key Departures: Ernie Sims, Larry Foote, Daunte Culpepper, Phillip Buchanon, Grady Jackson

Five Fast Facts About The Lions:

- Jeff Backus is the direct descendant of one of Julius Caesar’s favorite peg boys.
- Stefan Logan played in the CFL, so you already know he’s not impressed by the Lions.
- Kyle Vanden Bosch was excellent on the “Sons of Anarchy” premiere.
- It’s gonna to be a sad day if the Lions ever become respectable and Dominic Raiola doesn’t want to pummel their fans.
- Brandon Pettigrew is convinced the government taxes you based on the length of your shadow.

Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: OVER

NOT A MISPRINT. THAT IS AN AUTHENTIC BAD PICK. Just kidding. Gonna come clean and admit that I’m one of the those suckers so besotted with these young Lions that I think they might even go 6-10. That towering achievement means, should Detroit not complete its transformation into rubble, fans will be marking anniversaries of this team in five year increments until the end of days.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

An obtuse example of misused numerology, or a frightening intimation that Aaron Rodgers is a three-headed Favre-hydra?

Key Additions: Bryan Bulaga

Key Departures: Aaron Kampman, Michael Montgomery

Five Fast Facts About The Packers:

- Brandon Underwood could teach Ben Roethlisberger a thing or two about rape technique. After all, you don’t get accused of sexually assaulting a woman in separate incidents, you get accused of sexually assaulting two women at once. THAT’S how you avoid getting punished by the league. Such an effective economy of rape.
- If the Packers do in fact win the Super Bowl as many expect them to, the only way the inevitable Cheesetardery can be even slightly mollified is if Aaron Rodgers spends the entire time on the Dr.; Robotnik Super Bowl trophy presentation pod doing his title belt celebration.

- Greg Jennings once mistook a lychee for a raspberry. BOY WAS HE EMBARRASSED!
- The Packers currently have the most players of any NFL team that were drafted by their current organization.
- Jermichael Finley is perhaps the most overhyped fantasy tight end ever. Which is precisely why I took him in two of my four leagues.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re gonna be good. But my hater talking points indicate Aaron Rodgers needs to stop holding the ball forever and their defense isn’t anywhere nearly as good as its ranking from last season would suggest. Pretty much any top-flight passing team is capable of carving up their secondary and there’s no way Charles Woodson duplicates the kind of year he had in ’09. Oh, and Drew claims the Packers completely misused Aaron Kampman. Apparently he’s better suited to being a sous chef.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I’m willing to accept Favre being canonized so long as it means he dies.

Key Additions: Greg Camarillo, Toby Gerhart, Lito Sheppard

Key Departures: Chester Taylor, Benny Sapp, Sage Rosenfels, Artis Hicks

Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:

- Brett Favre bitched on Wednesday about how the media way overplayed his indecision about returning to football. Oh, you poor COMPLETELY COMPLICIT CALCULATING little thing. How I weep gallons for you.
- Something I did not know until very recently: Bernard Berrian’s nickname is “B-twice.” Clearly not a fan of Calvin Klein’s old “Just Be” campaign.
- Ray Edwards draws his playing intensity from the fact that the Nickelodeon cartoon “The Angry Beavers” was not a bigger hit.
- Mike Florio is a fan of the Vikings. So really, it’s not all about hating Favre.
- Percy Harvin continues to struggle with persistent migraines that have dogged him throughout his football playing days. WHICH IS JUST SUCH A CONVENIENT EXCUSE FOR NOT SLEEPING WITH DREW.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Vikings have a pretty brutal first half of the season, which isn’t particularly helpful given how vulnerable the team looks at the moment. Sidney Rice is scheduled to miss the first eight games. Brittfar’s gimpy ankle is going to prevent him from having the admittedly amazing season he had in 2009. And they’re about to play the Saints tonight with only three available corners. But at least Purple Jesus has promised that he’s done fumbling, which is nice, I guess. They have enough talent to keep even Brad Childress from condemning them to a .500 or worse record, but I see a dip to 9-7 coming.

/Drew smugly dismisses argument without offering a counter

Marvel Comics is releasing a four-issue series in which bad guys decide to blow up Soldier Field. Normally, I would say they are setting their sights relatively low in terms of supervillainy, but there are heads of state who could die and cause less Middle America devastation than Bretty Boy. TV pundits would set themselves on fire in the streets. Peter King alone would incite an ultra-dangerous jelly jihad against those responsible. SO LET’S HAVE IT MR. SINISTER! THIS STADIUM’S NOT GONNA EXPLODE ITSELF!

This is the final MNF broadcast of the season, so of course the announcers get to save some good ol’ Favretardery for their last hurrah. The Vikings still have a shot at swiping home field advantage from the Saints, which would matter if the Vikings weren’t going to lose their first postseason game anyway.

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

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Bears. Packers. These teams have met a few times. Perhaps Bobby Wade can spare you the three hours by letting you know what will happen.

Actually, you might be able to watch it online here (enjoy the “virtual waiting room;” it’s just like an actual waiting room, only there’s no fat nurse that waddles out and mispronounces your name). But this one’s already underway, and the Bears currently lead thanks to an opening kickoff-return TD from that guy, whom you’ll notice is not Devin Hester. If we could just bring back the Katrina jokes, we’d have ourselves a game.