Buddy Ryan, defensive mastermind and begetter of hilarious coaches, will be honored at halftime tonight. Not that we’ll see any of that, what with the Lamest Three Minutes being the first priority of ESPN. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with his tenures in Philly or Chicago, my version of the ceremony would simply be showing footage of the time Buddy punched Kevin Gilbride. It never get old.

If you watched the Eagles-Cowboys beatdown last Sunday, you might have heard Al Michaels mention that Michael Vick during the bye week “played some golf and bought a parrot”. Perfectly suitable stoner activities. This was welcome and KSKharacter affirming news on its own. Then today I happened upon this photo of Ookie posing with a parrot at a pet store.

And all became right with the world.

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The Lions were once a laughingstock, what with Matt Millen, 0-16, never going to a Super Bowl and employing Scott Mitchell for an extended period of time. Now, with their 4-0 record and a chance to match the Packers as the only unbeaten team in the NFL through five weeks, the Lions are an admirationstock. They have the Silver Crush, which is a stupid nickname for a formidable defensive front. There’s Calvin Johnson, who is going to finish the season with 65 touchdowns. And Matt Stafford has managed to stay healthy for an entire month. The Lions are so exciting that the league is allowing them to occupy the national spotlight for one time other than the annual early game blowout on Thanksgiving. CONGRATS, DEYYYYTWAAAA, FOR SPORTS EXCELLENCE! NO THANKS STILL DON’T WANNA GO THERE! BUT KUDOS!

Naturally, however, THE CURSE OF THE RIVE BROG, will render the Lions attack lifeless, cripple Megatron, get Suh suspended for a late hit and result in a 5-0 Bears victory, with Jason Hanson missing six field goals. Sorry in advance, Detroit.

I’m sorry, Jay Cutler, that your toughness came into question while we were getting our asses handed to us by the Packers on Sunday. You had a Grade II sprain of your medial colateral ligament, which is the ligament that the banks take away when you don’t pay your medials on time. Are you having money problems, Jay? I’m always here to help you out, buddy. Look, there’s an ATM right over there.

Little did you realize, Jay Cutler, that as you stood on the sideline in the second half that members of your football fraternity would say mean things about you on the internet. I just want you to know that I would never have done such a thing, since it’s against league rules to tweet during games. I don’t understand how they could have said things about you like I might have done 18 months ago. I can say those things because we’re like a family, so it’s different. We’re a football family, with black babies and white babies. And when the babies misbehave or get too old, they’re killed. Babies don’t live forever, Jay.

I want you to know, Jay Cutler, that you are the toughest quarterback I have ever played with. That’s right. Tougher than Rex Grossman. Tougher than that guy with the beard. Tougher than Cade McNown. And yes, tougher than even the great Craig Krenzel. You are tougher than all of them, Jay, though I’m pretty sure Brad Maynard would own you in a barfight.

So I guess…have a good offseason, man. Try not to take any stairs or anything.

It was quite the week for NFL-related errors in newspaper headlines. As you can see above, the Green Bay Press-Gazette misspelled Chicago on its front page, which is either an extremely careless error or a roundabout means of trash talk (“Geddit? Chi-COCK-O!”). This came days after an inattentive copy editor at The Times-Picayune neglected to replace the dummy text in a headline for a story about the Jets-Patriots game last Sunday.

Either that, or the paper distributes a special edition for dyslexics. This would be the version Rex Ryan bought.

The big scandal in the run-up to the NFC championship is that the game will feature Terry McAulay, the head referee of the officiating crew that flagged the Packers an astounding 18 times when the two teams played on Monday night in Chicago in Week 3. Of course, the rest of the ref crew will be different. And, if memory serves, the grand majority of the calls against Green Bay in the first meeting of the season weren’t particularly egregious. Sometimes, it’s possible that one team just committed more mistakes. There’s no rule that infractions and penalty yards need be perfectly level each week. [Gets shouted down by several thousand irate fans screaming about referee conspiracies.]

Oh, and this is pretty badass. Now I finally understand the “Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me” prize of getting Carl Kasell recording your message on your voicemail.

The Bears and Packers have played each other more times than any other two teams in NFL history, yet Sunday will be only the second time ever that the two have met in the postseason. Because most Americans have no concept of history uncovered by VH1 nostalgia shows, we felt it necessary to recap some of the more notable moments that have happened over the course of the rivalry. At least it’s more entertaining than the rivalry’s Wikipedia page. Unless it’s been hacked in hilarious fashion, in which case, no chance.

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Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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Brett Favre is pulling some last minute dramatics that suggest he might start. Failing that, he’s getting in some good attention whoring before occupying half the ESPN broadcast via anguished sideline shots. Meanwhile, TCF Stadium is approaching Heinz Field levels of hazardous conditions.

Chris Kluwe is especially concerned. No worries, pally. If anyone is catastrophically injured, it’s probably not going to be the sorry-ass punter. Even if said punter has the best reaction to the helmet hits madness of any NFL player to date.

Look, the Bears defense had an outstanding night. You can qualify that by saying they faced Tyler Thigpen and that the Dolphins lost another starting lineman and Brandon Marshall during the game. Either way, you don’t go on the road and shut out a team with a winning record without playing exceedingly well.

That said, Matt Millen can eat a kiddie pool full of Dungeness dicks for slathering his Rod Marinelli love juices all over the broadcast. No one wants to hear him slobber over and shamelessly defend one of his former employees in Detroit. Yeah, Rod Marinelli might be doing a fine job as a defensive coordinator, but he was horrid as a head coach and Millen touting his excellence doesn’t make his stint in Detroit any less a disaster. It’s a goddamn joke.

And, of course, whenever you get either the Bears or the Dolphins, you’re in store for a QB carousel graphic or four. Get the teams on the same field and they have to do a separate set of player introductions just to fit them all in.

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With the two Chads injured, Miami is forced to turn to Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. It’s once again Coastal Carolina’s time to shine! But let’s not downplay the difficulty of the task. How could Thigpen possibly hope to replace the nine touchdowns and 11 interceptions Chad Henne has contributed to this offense? Hopefully it involves raping more skeletons.

Every pundit presumes the Dolphins are going to revert to a Wildcat-heavy offense, which is actually kind of a relief. If you’ve watched any of their games this year, you know how announcers like to breathlessly explain how Miami hasn’t actually used the formation much this year, as though they were the first to strike upon such keen insight.

The Bears, meanwhile, are 6-3 but have only defeated one team with a winning record this year, and that was the Packers in the Monday night game where Green Bay committed something like 56,000 penalties. And if history has taught us anything, this is right around the time of year that Jay Cutler begins to sabotage any hope of his team making the playoffs.

Oh, and because I don’t feel like writing a separate post for it – here’s yet another example of Bill Simmons being a douchetard on television, via PTI today.

Kornheiser asked what to make of Justin Bieber wearing a Yankees hat at a concert in Boston or somesuch shit no one cares about and Simmons said the move was “beatdownworthy.” Of course he did.

“NO LITTLE FACKIN HOMO WIGGAH KID STEALS TAWWMMY BRADY’S TRADEMAHHK HAY-UH AND TRADEMAAHHK YANKEES HATS AND DOES NAWT PAY IN BLOOD! BILLY SIMMONS, BLUEBUG AND THE HOLY CRAWSS POSS WILL BEAT THAT ASS, BEEBAH!”

I wish no ill upon the Bears; Chicago is a wonderful city that has provided me with many good times. And I have nothing against Jay Cutler and his stupid sulky face. I hope his concussion isn’t serious, because his interceptions give me great pleasure from week to week.

Bears fans, on the other hand, can go piss up a rope. This gallery of Cutler suffering brain damage is for every Facebook status I read over the last couple of weeks that said “BEARS!” instead of “Ugh, we really didn’t deserve to win that one.”

Enjoy.

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