Kissing Suzy Kolber » cheating

The Ratbirds suck at cheating too…

flubby — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 18:21:11 +0000

The OTA ban goes beyond just practices.

The Ravens’ final week of organized team activities were canceled after the league determined that they had violated practice rules. In a joint statement with the team, the NFL disclosed violations concerning “the intensity and tempo of drills.” I have no earthly idea what that means. Tempo??? Apparently, Harbaugh prefer his practices to be allegro whereas the CBA permits nothing more vigorous than lento moderato.

Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome said the team accepted responsibility for its mistakes and was taking steps to prevent future violations. Ever since Jim Joyce made amends for screwing up that baseball dealie, personal responsibility is trendy again. False remorsefulness is the new false humility.

Another thing, when did we switch from calling them “OTAs” instead of “mini-camp”? I was not consulted. “Mini-camp” sounds like a fun place to be on an early June day. Whereas, “OTAs” is a sterile, nondescript name hidden behind a bland acronym—it represents everything that sucks and is boring about the NFL.

Admittedly the “mini-camp” nomenclature was also misleading, but cheerfully so. “Mini-camp” sounds like the kind of place where bored housewives take their toddlers to make macaroni necklaces while they’re off humping the pool boy.

So to recap: the Ravens are dirty, dirty cheats, macaroni necklaces are cool, and your wife is probably a slut.

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:19:15 +0000

Brady Quinn’s questionable hand gestures. Cleveland’s quarterback competition is so intense that Brady Quinn has gone so far as to tell his team’s defense which play Derek Anderson’s offense will run during intra-squad scrimmages. That’s exactly the kind of questionable ethics Eric Mangini is looking for in a quarterback. [PFT]

flubby — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:46:40 +0000

Patriots’ captain Larry Izzo will testify for the government in their perjury case against Barry Bonds, whom I hear is some sort of a “base ball” player.

Florio at Pro Football Talk points out the obvious dichotomy between between the public’s reactions to doping in MLB and the NFL. We’re not sure if the double-standard in attributable to ignorance or apathy. Frankly, we don’t know and we don’t care.

KSK’s Valentine to… Matt Walsh

flubby — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:05:00 +0000

We won’t beat around the bush, we’re crazy about you, Matt Walsh. After all, what’s sexier than power? And right now we think you have the power to run Belicheat out of the league in shame and dishonor. And that’s sexy, baby.

Come to Rogg’s office and sing like the magnificent canary that, deep down, you know you are. Tell him how Bill made you tape the Rams in New Orleans and how he cackled like a maniac when you forked over the discs. Tell him where he touched you while you reviewed the Rams futile preparations over braunschweiger and warm malt liquor. Tell him how he just laughed when begged him to stop. You can do it, big guy. We believe you… and we believe IN you. <3 <3 <3

This Goes Deeper Than We Ever Thought

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:20:00 +0000

[int. Robert Kraft's office]

Bob: Oh boy, that was some wicked good chowdah!

[door flies open]

Bill: Hey shitstain we need to talk, so quit licking that fucking bowl and listen up.

Bob: Hi Bill, I take it you’re still steamed about that Super Bowl?

Bill: Shut up you dumb fruit, we have more important things to worry about than a game.

Bob: What could be more important than the Super Bowl?

Bill: You know god damn well that I’m talking about out little “weekend research project“.

Bob: I’m sorry Bill, but I’m afraid I’m not sure what you are referring to. If you’ve gone and done something to get yourself into trouble then I am sorry, but I have nothing to do with any of that business.

Bill: Like hell you don’t, you froggy throated nancy boy! Don’t forget, those are your signatures on the checks made out to Walsh and Beeks.

Bob: Hey, you hired the guys. I’m the happy-go-lucky executive, and you’re the evil genius at the controls. Just ask the media.

Bill: You son of a bitch, you can’t set me up to take the fall. I’d sooner lose with dignity than to go down alone.

Bob: Don’t worry Bill, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Bill: So what do you suggest?

Bob: Well that all depends on how far you’re willing to go, my friend.

Bill: Are you talking about a bit of wetwork?

Bob: Well, we have to do whatever it takes to keep this thing from unraveling any further.

Bill: You know me Bob, I’ll strangle the life out of an orphan if he slows me down on the sidewalk.

Bob: Excellent, because I don’t need to tell you what happens if any of this comes back to Mother Russia.

[hidden door swings open]

Vlad: No, we certainly can’t have that. Eliminate the short one and the others will fall in place.

Bill and Bob: YES SIR!