Your laughter falls on deaf ears. Don’t get me wrong, I really do like Reed Doughty. He is a solid contributor and is downright serviceable in his role as a backup safety. But if he manages to take the starting job away from Chris Horton I’ll eat that sign (or a pretzel of comparable size). [Redskins.com]

Image via

I gotta get a dozen of those chairs immediately.

Officially and for the record, I want to thank the Ladies for being gracious winners. They’ve always been very kind to me, and I’m thankful that The Starter Wife used a G.I. Joe doll to represent me. It’s also likely that they put a lot of effort into the posts they wrote for today’s material, which is more than what KSK would have done for them. Kudos. You girls are some classy broads, and we are lazy assholes.

Now, with that necessary caveat out of the way:

Let’s be honest, folks. Today was fucking terrible. I mean, absolutely the worst day this site has ever seen — and I’m including the early days before Unsilent Majority had any comic timing. On a scale of one to ten, with one being the day that the Gawker guy ran Deadspin, and ten being any post by Big Daddy Drew, the Ladies — who no longer get an ellipsis in their name; that’s always really bothered me — were a solid negative three. I’ve watched Merchant-Ivory films that held my attention better.

As recompense, tomorrow — Thursday — will be one of our rare but glorious bukkake days. Our only previous bukkake days were for the start of the 2006 season and the day that T.O. overdosed, so we obviously save them for momentous occasions.

In this case, the momentous occasion is pushing the Ladies’ posts off of our front page. I had proposed deleting them altogether — keeping them in the archives wasn’t part of the deal, ha ha! — but, like I said, the Titsticks were real classy-like about beating us, so those posts will live on with a mere editor’s note warning people not to read them unless they’re having trouble getting to sleep.

In addition, this week’s mock draft — the REAL mock draft — will be written by an astonishingly talented and popular guest blogger who will become only the second person (after J.E. Skeets) to write a guest post for Kissing Suzy Kolber at our respectful invitation instead of, say, masculinity-baiting bets that force us into lose-lose situations.

Anyway, to cleanse the palate from today’s foo-foofery, here’s some eye candy:

Thanks for sticking with us through these rough waters. Check back frequently tomorrow, where we’ll be posting like voting in Chicago.

Oh, and I almost forgot: this whole thing would be for naught if you didn’t give a boost in traffic to the best female sports bloggers on the Internet.

Congratulations, Arseblog. You are a sports blog that follows a single team in the English Premier League, and also the hands-down winner of the 2007 Bloggie Award for Best Sports Blog. You often post as many as one times a day. Recent ledes have included:

March 5th: “…there’s rather a dearth of news this morning.”
March 11th: “A very quiet Sunday morning for you. Not much happening…”
March 12th: “…As you can see there’s very little going on in the world of Arsenal this morning.”

Holy shit that’s riveting. I can’t believe we got nominated to share the stage with such esteemed company.

Obviously, the Bloggies are dead to us. Unlike the Weblog Awards, which were an obvious farce, the Bloggies are masked in a veil of legitimacy, which makes this straight-faced joke of a Shakespeare in Love selection even more insulting. Personally, I think this is Deadspin’s fault. That gadfly upstart Leitch totally split the Kissing Suzy Kolber vote.

There’s good news, though. After three months of sequestered deliberation, the KSK Gay Mafia has emerged from our secret headquarters high in the Andes, and we’re pleased to announce that the winner of the first annual Kissing Suzy Kolber Blog of the Year for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence is none other than…

[drumroll]

…KISSING SUZY KOLBER!!!

“Oh wow. Oh my God. I… I had no idea. I thought With Leather had a chance to win the Kissing Suzy Kolber Blog of the Year for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, but this means so much more.

“Ummm. Umm. Wow. Who to thank? Whoooooooo to thank. My parents, for believing I could establish the best politically incorrect/profane humor sports blog on the Internet. Desiree at Cheetah’s and of course Ruby at Gold Rush. My agent, Byrd Leavell, who’s been great about sending me the absolute cleanest call girls, even when I call him coked out of my mind at 3:00 a.m. on a Wednesday morning.

“But mostly, I have to thank the other writers at KSK who make this site so great. Christmas Ape, Monday Morning Punter, flubby, and that tiny black man, Unsilent Majority. They’re just the funniest and foulest Internet friends a man can have.

“Holy crap! Wait wait wait! I can’t believe I forgot such an important part of the puzzle. The person who made so many of the jokes come alive and live on across the Internet: Footsteps Falco. God rest his soul.

“Finally, fuck Arsenal. I couldn’t be happier they shat the bed on their way out of the Carling Cup, Champions League, and FA Cup. I’m not even sorry Thierry Henry’s out for the rest of the season. Nyah, Nyah. Suck it, Gooners.”

Via the evil geniuses at the Postmen, we learned of Sports Business Journal’s list of the twenty most influential people in online sports. Personally, I haven’t eyeballed a Street & Smith publication since Walter Berry graced their college basketball preview sometime during the Pleistocene Era, so I can’t vouch for accuracy of this list. But to the extent there are a few remaining people in sports media KSK hasn’t libeled yet, allow us to break down the rankings.

Bob Bowman (President, CEO, MLB Advanced Media)

This dude gets rewarded with number one for fucking over baseball fans with impunity. “What’s that, you say you can’t get DirecTV? Have fun squinting at the Zapruder-quality games on MLB.com. ” Thanks, prick.

John Kosner (Senior VP, GM, New Media, ESPN)

If the Sports Guy walks away, Kosner will find himself handing out paper towels in the men’s room of an upscale Bristol chophouse.

Steve Snyder (COO, CBS Interactive)

Favorite movie: the Crying Game.
Favorite salad: egg.

Jeff Price (President, SI Digital)

This is total horseflop. Jeff Price’s RPI is 79 and he has lost three of the last four at home. Yet he is still ranked fourth and will probably land a number one seed. Damned east-coast bias.

Brian Rolapp (VP, media strategy, NFL)

Spends most nights alone watching the DoodleBops in his underwear with the shades up and light on. Makes underlings call him “Billy Ocean.”

Brian Grey (Senior VP, GM, FoxSports.com)

Nothing against this guy personally, but FoxSports.com is the turd in the punchbowl of internet sports resources.

Steve Grimes (Senior director, interactive services, NBA)

I promised myself when I started writing this post that I wouldn’t clown on anyone’s picture. That’s cheap humor, plus I’m not exactly Troy Donahue myself. But Fred Flintstone here doesn’t just have a five o’clock shadow, he has a five o’clock eclipse.

Dick Glover (VP, broadcasting, new media, NASCAR)

“Dick Glover.” “Dick Glover” “Dick Glover.” For the life of me I can’t think of a joke for Dick Glover.

Brian Bedol (President, CEO, CSTV)

CSTV gave us college softball, wrestling and lacrosse. It could have been worse, they could have given us crabs too.

Neal Scarbrough (GM, Editor, AOL Sports)

Look out, Neal, another round of AOL Time-Warner layoffs are sneaking up behind you! Naw, we’re just yanking your chain. But seriously, the Bobs want to meet with you in fifteen minutes.

Shannon Terry (CEO, Rivals.com)

We actually like this guy. Those Rivals message boards keep the dumb kids down in the shallow end of the pool. (”KETNUCKY WILDCATS R TEH SHIZZNIT!!!! FIRE TUBBY!!! JOANN KIM NOAH IS A PU$$Y”) . Actually, they’re right about Noah.

Bill Simmons (Columnist, ESPN.com)

My calendar says March has arrived. Which means it is now time for a venerable rite of spring: for the next month Simmons will pretend he follows college basketball.

Mark Cuban (Owner, Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks)

We love Cubes, but BlogMaverick has long since turned into BitchAboutYouTubeIncessantly.com. His site has about as much to do with sports or the NBA as StuffOnMyCat.com.

Scott Bailey (VP, GM, business operations, Turner Sports New Media)

Has heard countless stories about a coked-up Ted Turner calling and demanding they bring back “Saturday night wrasslin’ on the Superstation.”

Paul Johnson (VP, new media, PGA Tour)

Asked for a raise, but they gave him a fancy title instead. Once saw Phil Mickelson changing in the gentlemen’s locker room at Crooked Stick. Has been confused (and a little curious) ever since.

Dave Morgan (Executive editor, Yahoo! Sports)

Yahoo! Sports thinks someone, somewhere gives a rat’s dick about who gave Reggie Bush what while he at USC. They don’t.

Keith Ritter (President, NHL Interactive CyberEnterprises)

Nobody in the NHL is the one of the twenty most influential people in anything. The whole league is circling around the bowl. An Amish rake-fighting league would get better ratings.

Claude Ruibal (Chairman, CEO, WCSN)

Cries after sex. Bad tipper.

Peter King (Columnist, SI.com)

Never heard of him.

Will Leitch (Editor, Deadspin.com)

Apparently, Sports Business Journal couldn’t find a picture of Will, so they just went with one of the guys from Panic! at the Disco. Lazy journalism at its most egregious.

[Note: some of these suits look a little litigious, so the KSK legal team advises us to make sure to tell everyone that this is a joke, dumbass. Except the part about the NHL, those assholes are on the way out.]