The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, continuing our butch theme for the day, is Rosie O’Donell.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s spritely lesbian TV host Rachel Maddow!

As we approach the bloated, uber-commercialized spectacle of Super Bowl Sunday, we’re constantly reminded how the culture of consumption charges apace despite harrowing economic news. Companies, reeling from layoffs and dire financial forecasts, are still doling out $3 million to air 30-second ads? Who’s running them? Henry Paulson?

[Arches eyebrow and smirks]

I don’t own a TV, so I don’t watch big league sports. To me, nothing beats a good jai alai match in the park on the weekends with a group of immigrants from embattled countries. I feel this enables me to see sports as what they are from outside the media riptide. Having never watched an NFL game, I’m not swayed by the hype, or knowing what happens during games. And man, does it help to approach things from a detached and falsely high-minded perspective.

What I do know is that this Super Bowl has more than its share of “holy mackerel” stories. I don’t speak of the tired “coach versus his old team” storylines, though there are certainly plenty of those. On one hand, we have the Cardinals superstar receiver, who’s stoppable it seems only when the mother of his child puts a restraining order on him. Then there’s a destructive linebacker, a defensive player of the year, who can’t separate the violence of the gridiron from his own home. Whichever of you guys goes to Disney World needs to take a swing by Anger Management Land.

[Sighs impatiently]

So I don’t know. If forced, I’ll go with the Steelers, being that they’re close with Obama and all. There. I’m holding my nose and vote yay on them.

Next up, I’ll devote four minutes of my show to an underreported foreign story so I look down on everyone else in the media. Back after some non-$3 million commercials.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s renown pyromaniac Muppet…Beaker!

Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.

Thanks, Beaker, you cocksucking frontrunner. More celebrity picks to come!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the ghost of late actor Ricardo Montalban.

Ah. Yes. Hello, my friends. It is I, the apparition of Ricardo Montalban, made famous by my role on THE FANTASY ISLAND.

I am here to tell you that in the afterlife, there is nothing for you to fear. All of the feelings become sensuous ones. You recall old lovers without bitterness. And all the chairs are furnished with rich Corinthian leather. Truly it is a paradise to behold.

Just the other day, I sat poolside on a chaise lounge, received a blowjob from a woman of exotic extraction while enjoying the warm invitation of a Maxwell House coffee. It was then that I thought to myself why I would fear this at all during my life.

Warm assurances aside, my presence is brought of another purpose. You wish for me to tell you my thoughts on the upcoming, ah, Super Bowl. I do miss the Super Bowl. The boundless energy. The sense of importance. Loose woman at their loosest and drugs at their most potent. What a time to be alive.

When we filmed THE FANTASY ISLAND back in the late 1970s, we were a cultural phenomenon and attracted celebrities across the firmament of the stars. This included the sports world. Surely, members of the Steel Curtain numbered among them. They were brutish fellows, but gentlemen at heart. And L.C. Greenwood introduced me to the exotic dancer who would later become a prized mistress. For that, I am indebted to him always.

For that reason, I am picking the Pittsburgh Steelers. May you bask in the glories of a life richly lived. Before long, I will join you in the lush embrace of our Lord’s everlasting love. Now forgive as I return poolside to my limber friend.

[Prelude of Bach's Cello Suite Number 1 overlay]

It’s no surprise that Super Bowl spots are getting more expensive these days.

Hi. I’m Dan Hesse, CEO of Sprint.

Given how much companies are pouring into these commercials, wouldn’t you think they would make the ads more appealing than dragging out their CEO and giving him a false sense of gravitas by filming him in black and white with classical music swelling in the background?

You would think that, wouldn’t you? You probably don’t even have the Simply Everything Plan.

If you did, you would realize what truly amazing things these devices can do. Look, they even have cello music as a ringtone. And they can accurately predict the outcome of the Super Bowl.

You just hit, uh, this one. Nope. Hmm. Seems to not be working right now.

Anyway, I don’t know who’s going to win the Super Bowl. I do know that the wireless revolution is afoot. And that my ads will run exactly five hundred fucking thousand times during the broadcast. So I guess the winner is me.

I also think you’ll enjoy a half-naked Florio storming the field with Sprint tattoos covering his body. Because security probably won’t. Stay clear of James Harrison, Mike.

Based on the most acclaimed graphic football prognostication of all time.

“One day, the commenters on this blog are gonna ask for a Super Bowl pick. And I’ll look at them and say… ‘No.’”

From the visionary mind of Alan Moore, the creator of “V for Vendetta, and W for the Giants in SB XLII” comes his masterstroke.

“What if that’s why someone wants us out of the way, so we can’t sway the betting in Vegas?”

They watch over games.

But who watches them?

And more importantly, WHO THEY GOT!?

Read the rest of this entry »

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama.

Michelle Obama: Okay, you guys, tell the nice people who you pick for the Super Bowl.

Sasha: I pick puppies!

[Nearby crowd lets out an "aaaaawwwwwwwww"]

Malia: Noooooooooo, you can’t pick puppies. We have to pick who’s gonna win the Super Bowl.

Sasha: What’s the Super Bowl?

Malia: It’s a big, big football game.

Sasha: Is Beyonce in it?

Malia: I dunno.

Sasha: Well I pick Beyonce. I bet she plays football really pretty.

Malia: But daddy said one of the teams gave us this ball.

[Sasha tosses ball to nearby dog, who runs off with it. Nearby crowd fawns loudly]

Sasha: That puppy got the ball. He just won the Super Bowl.

Malia: I think we have to guess the score.

Sasha: Puppy beats Beyonce one to nothing.

Malia: I don’t really want to go.

[Tears up a pair of $3,000 tickets on 50-yard line, then smiles. Nearby reporter plans 3,000-word puff piece on their first year in school]

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the cockweasel from the ShamWow! ads.

Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow! I’m here to tell you about an amazing new product called the Arizona Cardinals. This team can do it all, and all for a low low price you simply have to see to believe. Whether you’re looking for thrilling trick plays, an opportunistic defense, or a scrappy underdog they have everything you need in a rooting interest for this year’s Super Bowl. I mean come on, think of the alternative!
Read the rest of this entry »

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up first, it’s actor/director/cantankerous old man Clint Eastwood!

Sure, I like football. And sometimes I can even sit through the pussy shit masquerading as football they stick on my TV every Sunday.

When I get through eight commercials for dick pills and light beer, I’m treated to some mincy faggot crap where a defender gets flagged for sticking his limp wrist on the 25 pounds of padding these losers carry around. Nothing but namby-pamby swishy bitches. Just like everyone in this no-good worthless generation of wimpy little crybabies.

Despite all that, I’ll probably tune into the big circus tent championship game. What the fuck else am I gonna do? Get a Brazilian?

Who we got this year? Steelers and Cardinals? Hmmm. St. Louis finally made it to the game? Good for them, I guess.

I suppose since the Steelers have a far superior defense, that’s the way I’m leaning. Gotta love a team that plays something with a semblance of hard-nosed football. Better than some fucking bird team that runs a bunch of Jap plays.

They got any injuries? Steelers have a fellow named Hines Ward who’s a little banged up. Lemme get a look at him.

WHAT?

[Grabs gun]

GET OFF MY TV, YOU FILTHY FUCKING GOOK.

I change my pick. Cardinals by 300 points. Now kindly go back to your fancy pilates studio and sip vanilla bullshit with your ball-tickling buddies.

Oh.

And have a good day.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann!

As someone intimately familiar with both the worlds of sport and politics, I can say with only the utmost certainty that each is populated with the same villainous archetype: the furtive, pusillanimous but ultimately cocksure abusers of power bent on the realization of any goal, no matter how dastardly, at any cost, no matter how inimical.

By now, after seven years, we know it to be too true of this White House, controlled and cruelly engineered as it is by Vice President Dick Cheney.

[Shakes head in disgust]

But we find it all too evident in the NFL as well, purportedly a world of meritocracy, where only the truly great can achieve the ultimate prize, there underlies an ugly truth. As we were raised with the fiction that any man could grow up to be president, only those capable of backroom dealing and deception can be a Super Bowl champion.

This Patriots team – arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness – in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

Is it mere coincidence that the same man, Sen. Arlen Specter, who has taken a stand against George W. Bush on matters of overreaching on national security, has taken the NFL to task for its shameful decision to allow the Patriots to bend the rules with near impunity? It stands to reason that it is not.

[Shakes head in disgust]

Edward R. Murrow once said, “We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.”

See how that confers on me an air of gravitas? Quoting Murrow all the time? He was a beacon of journalistic integrity because he smoked a lot and had a really deep voice. Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

That is why I am calling for following:

The Giants of New York to score 27 points, one for each of the amendments to our nation’s founding document, the lifeblood of democracy, for which a win by the Giants surely strikes a blow.

Similarly, those lowly, cowardly, would-be Patriots be held to no more than 10 points, mirroring the number of Commandments that they break with each passing day. I am a man of complexity. I know life is full of gradations and gray areas, but I know with every truth-seeking bone in my body that this team is nothing less than the full embodiment of evil.

And so good night, and good luck.