The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up next, it’s Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up next, it’s former NBA player and Haiti nonsupporter Paul Shirley:

Dear New Orleans,

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest city in the United States. Your commitment to broken levees, rapey domed stadia, and white flight should be applauded.

As we prepare to pick your team in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not rebuild your home city in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? Could you instead build yourselves space-age hovels that are resistant to both floods and earthquakes? And could those space-age hovels have marble countertops and multiple flat-panel TV screens, like the kind I saw at Jimmy Kimmel’s house when Simmons brought me over once? And could you have cars, like NORMAL people, instead of traveling around on your filthy, calloused feet? And could you, despite being born into poverty, pull yourself up by your bootstraps to become the 12th man on an NBA bench and then a novelty writer to likes his flaunt his affinity for the Silversun Pickups, as I have?

And could you stop being so poor? I mean really, it’s getting a bit disgusting. There are flies circling your children. And you all smell terribly. Do you not have running water? I thought the overflowing of Lake Pontchartrain provided you with GALLONS of the stuff. Was that not enough to convince you to clean the smell of dead fish off your bodies? And could you stop contracting airborne diseases in the wake of tragedies? Do you not have vaccines, or access to modern medicine? If I donate a cent to rebuilding things in the Ninth Ward that are still torn down, I want to make sure that it’s going to build something WAY awesomer that that smelly blues club you once called a habitat.

Why don’t you stop being a poor? Can’t you start making money, as I have? I make money, and then I can download Animal Collective songs. Have you heard them? See, that’s a problem. Could you rebuild your country so that you aren’t poor, and so that you like Animal Collective? M’kay? Thanks.

And could you get rich enough to write pedantic letters to the victims of natural disasters without witnessing the carnage firsthand? Okay? That would be nice.

And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while? I don’t like the idea of poor people breeding and then smelling up the place. I worked in the NBA, okay? We know how to use birth control properly. Stop having dirty poor sex with one another and MAKE something of yourselves. As I have! Look at me! I used to ride Phoenix’s bench. Now I’m a freelancer!

Why can’t you be like that?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

Colts 51, Handout Lovers 0

NOTE: Comments turned off. I warned you people about gay PoFlaWas.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up next, it’s Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio.

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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up first, it’s Inglourious Basterds’ Lt. Aldo Raine.

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Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, recording superstar Beyonce Knowles.

(flips hair, gets stray wet strand in mouth)

Nowthatitstimeformetopickawinner
Don’twantyoutothinkthatI’masinner
CauseIain’tnogirlI’mawo-ooooo-OOO-oooooomannnnn
AndI’malwaysgonnabeimprooovin

(does that dance where it looks like she’s speed skating)

CauseIliketheSTEELers
IliketheirDEfense
IlikeJamesHARRison
HesgoodatthePASSrush

(taps right foot hard on the ground, sashays to the left)

IliketheSTEELers
They’regonnaMAKEit
SixSuperBOWLtiiiiiii-iiii-IIII-iii-tles
That’saleagueRECord

(shakes hips, takes out two elderly people)

IliketheSTEELers
AndifICRAMsome
MorewordsintotheCHORus
Thenyouwon’tNOTice
IthasnoMELody
AndnodeCENThook

Whoa-ooooooo-ooooo-OOOOOO-ooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-WHOAOOOOOOOOOO (shatters steel statue nearby)

IliketheSTEELers
InjustfiveMOREyears
I’llhaveasASSthat’s
AsbigasAREtha’s

UPGRADETODIRECTV!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, Deadspin workhorse Rick Chandler! [NOTE: Photo is artist's rendition]

“Pickkake.”  You keep on using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

Here’s the thing about the Super Bowl: it just doesn’t light my fire the way high school football in California does.  Also, it’s pretty hard to pick this far in advance.  But I think the Steelers will be too tough against the Ravens at home, while there’s no way the Eagles lose in Arizona.  The world simply isn’t ready for a Super Bowl with small red birds.  Steelers 24, Eagles 14.

Oh, and check out this amazing new video I just found.

Thanks, Rick!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, the NBA’s Twittering Big Aristotle, Shaquille O’Neal!

Thanks Shaq!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, reality TV star Brody Jenner!

Yo, what’s goin’ on?  It’s Brody Jenner, and you’re reading Kissing Suzy Kolber dot com!

Who do I like in the Super Browl?  Cardinals all the way, baby!  Gotta pull for my boy Matty.  Yeah, he’s calmed down a bit now, but he used to wing for me when he was at USC.  You would not BELIEVE the ass we pulled.  I mean, we’re just two brordinary guys who happen to be famous and rich and carefully unshaven with movie star good looks, and for whatever reason we always got the hottest ladies.  It’s weird, man.  Can’t explain it.

/spends three minutes on BlackBerry

And I been out to his Leinart’s place in Aribrona, too.  What?  Naw, by then he’d retired that beer bong.  Got it BROnzed after he woke up the next afternoon with three Pi Phis in his bed.  And one more on the bathroom floor next to the toilet.

/waxes eyebrows

My prediction? Cardinals: 34, Steelers: 23, me and my bros: a lotta great memories and meaningful hugs.

/strips naked and masturbates in front of mirror

Well, golly gee gingersnaps fellas, it sure is a big honor to be asked to give you my prediction of what’s gonna happen in the big game. Hooo weee, Super Bowl Sunday, it really is somethin’, ain’t it?

I wish it wouldn’t start so darn late though. Last year I only got to stay up until halftime before my parents made me go nighters. Boy, I sure was steamed. The guys at school said it had a good ending and everything. Speaking of my parents, you’re not planning on using my pick for gambling, are you? Cause if my parents find out I’m wrapped up with the sharks, they’ll ground me for sure.

The game? I do like an underdog and those Cardinals are as underdog as you can get. They have had it rough over the years. Been kicked around by just about everybody. I know that’s no fun. If their fans love their team like I love my Denver Broncos, that’s gotta be one big jackboot to the chompers on a daily basis.

So I’m thinking Arizona is gonna come out on top, because that’ll make Jesus happy and the Cardinals fans will have a reason to hold their heads high. It sure will be swell.

If I had to guess a score, I’d…Hold on, I think I hear my mom calling me.

[Runs around corner]

MWA HA HA HA

It is I, P-Professor Chaos. I care not for weak, timid little underdogs. I want to see them ground into the ashes of failure. I foresee Kurt Warner fumbling the opening snap, Larry Fitzgerald twisting his ankle and his sportswriting dad having to chronicle the whole thing.

Those big bad Steelers will crush your pitiful dreams of respectability. And chaos reigns across the land. An age of discord and all sorts of other badness. I will laugh heartily to behold it.

MWA HA HA HA