Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

KSK: Hey Santonio, thanks for taking the time to chat with us.

SH: Oh that’s cool, I’m a big fan.

KSK: Of us?

SH: Yeah, I like that Hines Ward chinaman speak and the retarded Ben character. That shit’s funny.

KSK: Oh, cool. Thanks for reading.

SH: Ain’t shit.

KSK: So Santonio, on media day you admitted to selling drugs in your younger days. Why did you do that?

SH: Well I want to be an example to the kids out there, and they gotta know the truth. That’s why I decided to just be up front and truthful about all I’ve been through over the years. Plus I had to get my hands on these sick Penny II’s. You know, I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to.

KSK: Shit, how do you think I bought these Air Max 95’s back in college?

SH: Nice.

KSK: Speaking of shoes, you see that new Quagmire Dunk?

SH: Giggity!

KSK: You said it. So what made you stop dealing?

SH: I only stopped when I went to THE Ohio State University, cause I was gettin’ paid that Buckeye money. I started back up before the draft though, you know, just for shits. Why, you need a dime?

KSK: I’m straight, but you might want to talk to my man Ape. He’s been awfully high strung.

SH: Word.

KSK: Speaking of weed, you got pulled over with a little bit of the God’s gift in your car, any regrets there?

SH: Nope, I was just thrilled that the cop never found the kilo of heroin hidden in the spare tire.

KSK: Wow, you really are committed to this whole honesty thing.

SH: Damn straight.

KSK: Of course that wasn’t the only time you ran into legal trouble.

SH: Hell no.

KSK: Back in July of ‘06 you were in court on charges of domestic violence against the mother of your child. Now the charges were later dropped, but would you care to tell your side of the story.

SH: Oh I smacked her around a bit.

KSK: You did?

SH: Yep.

KSK: Bold admission.

SH: You know, it’s what I do.

KSK: Hit women or tell the truth?

SH: Oh I mean tell the truth, I haven’t laid a malicious hand on a woman since then.

KSK: Well that’s good.

SH: Wait, do hookers count as women?

KSK: Nah.

SH: Cool, thought so.

KSK: So tell me how you felt when a fully nude picture of you surfaced on the internet for the world to see.

SH: Oh man, that shit was funny. To be entirely truthful that wasn’t really all me.

KSK: Are you saying that the image was digitally enhanced.

SH: Oh hell yeah, that thing was photoshopped to within an inch of its life.

KSK: So in reality you’re…

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Tiny?

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Care to elaborate on th-

SH: Two inches.

KSK: Flaccid?

SH: Nope.

KSK: Wow. Did not see that coming.

SH: That’s what she said.

KSK: HAHAHAHA

SH: HAHAHAHA

KSK: So tell us how you like to pump yourself up before a big game. Do you watch a movie like 300 or listen to some upbeat music?

SH: Oh you know it. I mean, I’m not into the heavy action stuff, but when I wake up Sunday morning I’ll watch my favorite scenes from The Notebook.

KSK: Huh.

SH: And when it comes to music it’s gotta be the Jonas Brothers. Those guys are my secret weapon.

KSK: You’re quite the rare breed.

SH: You know this.

KSK: So Santonio, before we let you go we have to get your official Super Bowl pick.

SH: Oh man. I mean, I’d love to pick us of course, but in all honesty I’m not sure we can compete with the Cardinals.

KSK: Wow.

SH: Hey, it’s nothing against us, I just think they’re the better team right now, especially because Ben’s ribs are all broken?

KSK: REALLY?

SH: Yep, NFL wants to cover that shit up, but that’s the truth, man.

KSK: Score?

SH: 35-12. MVP is Adrian Wilson. Man, he’s gonna kick my sorry ass.

KSK: Thanks for taking the time to join us, Santonio, good luck on Sunday.

SH: I’m gonna need it.

And now, ON TO THE PICK!

Pittsburgh -7 vs. Arizona

Sadly I don’t see things working out quite the way Santonio does. Arizona has become a more popular pick over the past week* (probably because the experts have been playing them up because it gives them something to blather on about while not begging strippers for a quick blow job), but I’m not buying that shit for a minute. The Steelers were my pick when the playoffs started, and they’ve looked plenty capable in their previous two playoff games, covering in each. I like Pittsburgh by two scores.

*RJ Bell of Pregame.com is reporting that 55% of the betting populace is siding with Arizona.

Santonio image via Behind the Steel Curtain

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, recording superstar Beyonce Knowles.

(flips hair, gets stray wet strand in mouth)

Nowthatitstimeformetopickawinner
Don’twantyoutothinkthatI’masinner
CauseIain’tnogirlI’mawo-ooooo-OOO-oooooomannnnn
AndI’malwaysgonnabeimprooovin

(does that dance where it looks like she’s speed skating)

CauseIliketheSTEELers
IliketheirDEfense
IlikeJamesHARRison
HesgoodatthePASSrush

(taps right foot hard on the ground, sashays to the left)

IliketheSTEELers
They’regonnaMAKEit
SixSuperBOWLtiiiiiii-iiii-IIII-iii-tles
That’saleagueRECord

(shakes hips, takes out two elderly people)

IliketheSTEELers
AndifICRAMsome
MorewordsintotheCHORus
Thenyouwon’tNOTice
IthasnoMELody
AndnodeCENThook

Whoa-ooooooo-ooooo-OOOOOO-ooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-WHOAOOOOOOOOOO (shatters steel statue nearby)

IliketheSTEELers
InjustfiveMOREyears
I’llhaveasASSthat’s
AsbigasAREtha’s

UPGRADETODIRECTV!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, Deadspin workhorse Rick Chandler! [NOTE: Photo is artist's rendition]

“Pickkake.”  You keep on using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

Here’s the thing about the Super Bowl: it just doesn’t light my fire the way high school football in California does.  Also, it’s pretty hard to pick this far in advance.  But I think the Steelers will be too tough against the Ravens at home, while there’s no way the Eagles lose in Arizona.  The world simply isn’t ready for a Super Bowl with small red birds.  Steelers 24, Eagles 14.

Oh, and check out this amazing new video I just found.

Thanks, Rick!

Thanks Shaq!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, reality TV star Brody Jenner!

Yo, what’s goin’ on?  It’s Brody Jenner, and you’re reading Kissing Suzy Kolber dot com!

Who do I like in the Super Browl?  Cardinals all the way, baby!  Gotta pull for my boy Matty.  Yeah, he’s calmed down a bit now, but he used to wing for me when he was at USC.  You would not BELIEVE the ass we pulled.  I mean, we’re just two brordinary guys who happen to be famous and rich and carefully unshaven with movie star good looks, and for whatever reason we always got the hottest ladies.  It’s weird, man.  Can’t explain it.

/spends three minutes on BlackBerry

And I been out to his Leinart’s place in Aribrona, too.  What?  Naw, by then he’d retired that beer bong.  Got it BROnzed after he woke up the next afternoon with three Pi Phis in his bed.  And one more on the bathroom floor next to the toilet.

/waxes eyebrows

My prediction? Cardinals: 34, Steelers: 23, me and my bros: a lotta great memories and meaningful hugs.

/strips naked and masturbates in front of mirror

Well, golly gee gingersnaps fellas, it sure is a big honor to be asked to give you my prediction of what’s gonna happen in the big game. Hooo weee, Super Bowl Sunday, it really is somethin’, ain’t it?

I wish it wouldn’t start so darn late though. Last year I only got to stay up until halftime before my parents made me go nighters. Boy, I sure was steamed. The guys at school said it had a good ending and everything. Speaking of my parents, you’re not planning on using my pick for gambling, are you? Cause if my parents find out I’m wrapped up with the sharks, they’ll ground me for sure.

The game? I do like an underdog and those Cardinals are as underdog as you can get. They have had it rough over the years. Been kicked around by just about everybody. I know that’s no fun. If their fans love their team like I love my Denver Broncos, that’s gotta be one big jackboot to the chompers on a daily basis.

So I’m thinking Arizona is gonna come out on top, because that’ll make Jesus happy and the Cardinals fans will have a reason to hold their heads high. It sure will be swell.

If I had to guess a score, I’d…Hold on, I think I hear my mom calling me.

[Runs around corner]

MWA HA HA HA

It is I, P-Professor Chaos. I care not for weak, timid little underdogs. I want to see them ground into the ashes of failure. I foresee Kurt Warner fumbling the opening snap, Larry Fitzgerald twisting his ankle and his sportswriting dad having to chronicle the whole thing.

Those big bad Steelers will crush your pitiful dreams of respectability. And chaos reigns across the land. An age of discord and all sorts of other badness. I will laugh heartily to behold it.

MWA HA HA HA

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, continuing our butch theme for the day, is Rosie O’Donell.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s spritely lesbian TV host Rachel Maddow!

As we approach the bloated, uber-commercialized spectacle of Super Bowl Sunday, we’re constantly reminded how the culture of consumption charges apace despite harrowing economic news. Companies, reeling from layoffs and dire financial forecasts, are still doling out $3 million to air 30-second ads? Who’s running them? Henry Paulson?

[Arches eyebrow and smirks]

I don’t own a TV, so I don’t watch big league sports. To me, nothing beats a good jai alai match in the park on the weekends with a group of immigrants from embattled countries. I feel this enables me to see sports as what they are from outside the media riptide. Having never watched an NFL game, I’m not swayed by the hype, or knowing what happens during games. And man, does it help to approach things from a detached and falsely high-minded perspective.

What I do know is that this Super Bowl has more than its share of “holy mackerel” stories. I don’t speak of the tired “coach versus his old team” storylines, though there are certainly plenty of those. On one hand, we have the Cardinals superstar receiver, who’s stoppable it seems only when the mother of his child puts a restraining order on him. Then there’s a destructive linebacker, a defensive player of the year, who can’t separate the violence of the gridiron from his own home. Whichever of you guys goes to Disney World needs to take a swing by Anger Management Land.

[Sighs impatiently]

So I don’t know. If forced, I’ll go with the Steelers, being that they’re close with Obama and all. There. I’m holding my nose and vote yay on them.

Next up, I’ll devote four minutes of my show to an underreported foreign story so I look down on everyone else in the media. Back after some non-$3 million commercials.

Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.

Thanks, Beaker, you cocksucking frontrunner. More celebrity picks to come!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the ghost of late actor Ricardo Montalban.

Ah. Yes. Hello, my friends. It is I, the apparition of Ricardo Montalban, made famous by my role on THE FANTASY ISLAND.

I am here to tell you that in the afterlife, there is nothing for you to fear. All of the feelings become sensuous ones. You recall old lovers without bitterness. And all the chairs are furnished with rich Corinthian leather. Truly it is a paradise to behold.

Just the other day, I sat poolside on a chaise lounge, received a blowjob from a woman of exotic extraction while enjoying the warm invitation of a Maxwell House coffee. It was then that I thought to myself why I would fear this at all during my life.

Warm assurances aside, my presence is brought of another purpose. You wish for me to tell you my thoughts on the upcoming, ah, Super Bowl. I do miss the Super Bowl. The boundless energy. The sense of importance. Loose woman at their loosest and drugs at their most potent. What a time to be alive.

When we filmed THE FANTASY ISLAND back in the late 1970s, we were a cultural phenomenon and attracted celebrities across the firmament of the stars. This included the sports world. Surely, members of the Steel Curtain numbered among them. They were brutish fellows, but gentlemen at heart. And L.C. Greenwood introduced me to the exotic dancer who would later become a prized mistress. For that, I am indebted to him always.

For that reason, I am picking the Pittsburgh Steelers. May you bask in the glories of a life richly lived. Before long, I will join you in the lush embrace of our Lord’s everlasting love. Now forgive as I return poolside to my limber friend.