The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann!

As someone intimately familiar with both the worlds of sport and politics, I can say with only the utmost certainty that each is populated with the same villainous archetype: the furtive, pusillanimous but ultimately cocksure abusers of power bent on the realization of any goal, no matter how dastardly, at any cost, no matter how inimical.

By now, after seven years, we know it to be too true of this White House, controlled and cruelly engineered as it is by Vice President Dick Cheney.

[Shakes head in disgust]

But we find it all too evident in the NFL as well, purportedly a world of meritocracy, where only the truly great can achieve the ultimate prize, there underlies an ugly truth. As we were raised with the fiction that any man could grow up to be president, only those capable of backroom dealing and deception can be a Super Bowl champion.

This Patriots team - arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness - in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

Is it mere coincidence that the same man, Sen. Arlen Specter, who has taken a stand against George W. Bush on matters of overreaching on national security, has taken the NFL to task for its shameful decision to allow the Patriots to bend the rules with near impunity? It stands to reason that it is not.

[Shakes head in disgust]

Edward R. Murrow once said, “We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.”

See how that confers on me an air of gravitas? Quoting Murrow all the time? He was a beacon of journalistic integrity because he smoked a lot and had a really deep voice. Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

That is why I am calling for following:

The Giants of New York to score 27 points, one for each of the amendments to our nation’s founding document, the lifeblood of democracy, for which a win by the Giants surely strikes a blow.

Similarly, those lowly, cowardly, would-be Patriots be held to no more than 10 points, mirroring the number of Commandments that they break with each passing day. I am a man of complexity. I know life is full of gradations and gray areas, but I know with every truth-seeking bone in my body that this team is nothing less than the full embodiment of evil.

And so good night, and good luck.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s the cast of Project Runway!

Tim Gunn: Sooooo… talk to me people. How we doing? Super Bowl picks?

Christian: Patriots by 13. This pick is too fabulous to be wrong. I’m too fabulous to be wrong.

God that was easy. What’s taking everyone so long?

(/gets beaten to death by people who weren’t homophobic until they saw him)

Gunn: Amazing. Fabulous. Jillian?

Jillian: I don’t know. I just don’t know if I have time to make this pick. I think the score will be tied at ten after the first quarter, then a Patriots touchdown on a Randy Moss catch-and-run give them the lead before both teams turn it over on consecutive possessions, and I know I want the final result to be a Giants win outright, but now I don’t know if I’m going to have the time to finish this insanely detailed prediction. I’m not sure if this is going to work out. Maybe if I can glue some touchdowns on Plaxico? Oh God I hope this works.

Rami: I think Jillian’s pick is really daring. She’s just a really talented prognosicator.

(/eye-fucks Jillian)

Jillian: (/blushes and smiles)

Rami: I tried to make my pick a little more sophisticated. I mean, there’s a history of Super Bowl blowouts when an excellent team faces an outmatched opponent from a weaker conference. Niners-Chargers in XXIX, Redskins-Broncos in XXII, Niners-Broncos in XXIV. So I like the Pats by 30.

(/eye-fucks Jillian more)

Gunn: I like it. Daring.

Elisa: I took a bath in vinegar once. It put me in touch with my soul.

Ricky: I…

(/begins crying)

I didn’t think picking a winner would be… so… hard.

(/wipes tears from face)

(/wears stupid fucking hat)

Sweet P: …Giants by 20?

Gunn: Oh no. Nonononononono. Sweet P. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Sweet P: I thought it’s kind of hip…

Gunn: Hippity-dippity, more like. Make it work!

Sweet P: (/furiously reworks prediction)

(/new prediction still sucks)

Heidi Klum: Then we’ve reached our decision?

Patriots, you have won all of your 18 games so far this season. But your year was marred by a videotaping scandal that was completely unnecessary for a team of your talent. In addition, one of your key defensive players was suspended four games for using human growth hormone, and your fans are insufferable morons. We want you push the limits at Project Runway, but at times you have pushed them too far.

Giants, you’ve come a long way from where you started. The judges are impressed by your perseverance, but we’re not sure you have the raw talent to survive a Super Bowl against a more talented, more experienced team with a far better coach.

(/dramatic pause)

Patriots, you’re in. Giants, you’re out. Auf Wiedersehen!

(/gets masturbated to)

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Can I just say something? I’d like to say something about all the comments that have been made about my body? I don’t care if you said it or not. I know you were thinking it. Oh, trust me, I know.

You know, it’s not like all of YOU are perfect, okay? I mean, New England is almost perfect, but that doesn’t make them RIGHT! There are a lot of teams right now struggling with their identity, okay? And just because you FREEKS are masturbating to people besides me is no reason for you to…I just (sobs)…you guys are just so mean…I just…I know it’s big down there…I’ve tried pilates…I’ve tried Jenny Craig…it’s just really (sobs)…it’s hard for me…Valerie Bertinelli makes it look so easy…(sobs) Can I get a tissue please? …Can someone…will someone bring me a goddamn tissue? …I just don’t…HEY WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME A FUCKING TISSUE?!?!

Valerie, if you so much as pass me on the street I will fucking kill you. You perky little bitch. “Oooh, look at me! I lost all this weight! It’s so easy!” Go fall down a goddamn well, you Paisan whore! Kirstie Alley and I are going to eat you like a pack of wild boars! Nobody crosses J-LOVE! NEVE CAMPBELL TRIED THAT SHIT AND HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER LATELY? NO I GUESS NOT SO SHUT IT! YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS! BITCH!

So, next time guys? Just be cool, okay? Hee-hee. That was a real laugh, I swear.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, Baltimore City detective, Jimmy McNulty:

A lot of chatter in the Eastern saying something’s going on with this Patriots and Giants meetup. Know anything about that? These are two crews that just had a some beef not too long ago. Repping different areas though. Doesn’t make sense.

[Sighs] Fuckin’ A.

[Takes quick pull of Jameson bottle]

We’re just sitting rubbing our dicks together while we could be doing some real police work. Just don’t have the backing to come down on these things anymore. If city hall got its shit together, we could have men down on every corner making picks. As it stands, don’t no one in this town have any idea what’s going on.

[Downs eight shots of Jameson, licks a strange woman's butthole]

Fucking chain of command. You know, you pull all these wins out of the vacants and what? We make a little noise, it gooses the stats, but it’s not enough to make Carcetti really give a shit, not with the ass-pounding he’s taking on the schools issue. But if we can make it look like one team, say the Patriots, got all these in a row, eighteen and fucking oh, ain’t no way they can dodge all that attention. Undefeated team? Shit, you’ll get national press in here. All’s we gotta do is create a pattern.

Bunk: Nah. Naaaaahhhhh. Ain’t gonna have no part a’ this shit, Jimmy. Man’s gotta live by a code. You can do this shit, but you do it alone. Hell, everybody know Giants ain’t got shit anyway.

[McNulty drinks flowerpot full of Jameson, staggers off bar stool]

What the fuck did I do?

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s Gilbert Gottfried!

A talent agent is sitting in his office, and this family walks in. Man, woman, two kids and a little dog. The talent agent says, “Let’s see what kind of an act do you do.”

So the family gets completely undressed. The man starts fucking his wife. The daughter starts jerking off the son, who is fisting his mother while she’s riding her husband, who in turn starts fingering the dog’s asshole.

Then the father gets up and starts jerking off the son. Then the mother lies down and the daughter starts pissing on her mother’s face. The dog shits on the the mother. Then the father starts jerking off onto his daughter’s face, who then starts fistfucking the dog. The dog’s O-ring blows wide open, blood AND SHIT SPLATTER EVERYWHERE, and NOW EVERYONE IS FUCKING AND SUCKING in this puddle of BLOOD and SHIT and PISS and CUM. Do you want me to start it from the beginning?

Then suddenly, the daughter pulls out a pocket knife and STABS HER FATHER IN THE LEG. But as she stabbed him, the man was sucking off the boy, and as the man clenches in pain, he BITES OFF HIS SON’S COCK in what can best be described as a fit of agony. BLOOD SQUIRTS EVERYWHERE. In fact, SO MUCH BLOOD is coming out of the boy’s penis so fast THAT THE PENIS IS BEING PROPELLED THROUGH THE AIR BY THE SPRAY OF BLOOD LIKE A LITTLE RED BOTTLE ROCKET, as so often happens under these circumstances.

THEN THE DAUGHTER pulls a WIRE COAT HANGER OUT OF THE SUPPLY CLOSET and starts untangling it, while the newly-castrated son is rubbing PEANUT BUTTER INTO THE DAUGHTER’S ASSHOLE, which the DOG IS LICKING OUT FASTER THAN THE BOY CAN SMEAR IT IN. It’s sort of an ass-Spackle, you see.

And DURING ALL OF THIS, THE WIFE RAMS AN UMBRELLA UP HER HUSBAND’S ASS, AND TRIES TO OPEN IT. BUT THEN THE DOG GETS DIARRHEA FROM EATING SO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER THAT HE SHITS RUNNY DIARRHEA IN THE CORNER OF THE OFFICE, RIGHT ON TOP OF WHERE THE BOY’S ONCE-AIRBORNE COCK HAS NOW COME TO REST. THE MAN THEN GETS A SUDDEN BURST OF INSPIRATION, as artistic people are often prone to do, WALKS TO THE CORNER, YANKS THE UMBRELLA OUT OF HIS ASS, AND STARTS PISSING ON HIS FAMILY, using a distinct left-to-right motion, you know, like one of those sprinklers. BUT THEN DISLODGING THE UMBRELLA CAUSES ALL THIS SHIT TO CASCADE DOWN HIS LEGS ONTO THE DOG’S SHIT, ONTO THE YOUNG BOY’S BLOODY SEVERED COCK.

Now pay attention here, because this is where things start to get a little out of hand. THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY GETS THE COAT HANGER UNTANGLED, AND THEN JAMS THE HOOK END OF THE HANGER RIGHT UP HER CUNT, AND STARTS PUMPING HERSELF FURIOUSLY with the coat hanger. THE WOMAN TRIES SUCKING THE BOY OFF, BUT IS REMINDED BY THE SPRAYS OF BLOOD FROM HIS SCROTUM TO HER FACE…THAT HIS COCK LAY LIFELESS IN THE CORNER UNDER A PILE OF SHIT AND BLOOD AND PISS. SHE’S THINKING ALL OF THIS…WHILE FINGERING HER OWN ASSHOLE.

SO INSTEAD OF SORTING THROUGH THE MESS, because really, who has that kind of time, THE WOMAN STARTS SHOVELING HANDFULS OF SHIT IN HER MOUTH UNTIL SHE FEELS THE STIFF BLOODY DONG BRUSHING THE BACK OF HER THROAT, AMIDST ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND SWEAT–OH, THE SWEAT–INTO HER MOUTH.

THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY YANKS THE COAT HANGER OUT OF HER PUSSY, AND LO AND BEHOLD AT THE END OF THE WIRE HOOK IS DANGLING A SIX-MONTH-OLD FETUS. THE DAUGHTER GRABS THE FETUS BY THE UMBILICAL CORD AND STARTS SWINGING THE FETUS IN A CIRCULAR MOTION OVER HER HEAD LIKE A BOLO WHIP. AND IT’S MAKING A WHOOSH-WHOOSH SOUND. Whoosh-whoosh and so forth.

THE WOMAN PULLS THE BOY’S DICK OUT OF HER MOUTH AND STARTS FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ASS WITH THE SEVERED COCK. THE MAN STARTS EATING OUT THE DAUGHTER’S ASS, AND IS DELIGHTED WHEN HE REALIZES HE CAN STILL TASTE THE PEANUT BUTTER, ONLY THIS TIME, IT’S EXTRA CRUNCHY.

MEANWHILE THE BOY HAS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND CUM AND IS HASTILY REACHING FOR INTRAVENOUS FLUIDS, UNTIL THE DAUGHTER SWINGS THE FETUS AT THE BOY’S HEAD, AND SHE KNOCKS HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH THE FETUS. THEN THE DOG RUNS OVER AND STARTS EATING THE FETUS WHILE THE DAUGHTER STARTS SUCKING THE BLOOD OUT OF HER BROTHER’S SCROTUM.

Then EVERYONE STANDS UP and they all take a bow.

“That’s an interesting act,” the talent agent says, which was really kind of an understatement when you think about it.”What do you call it?”

“We call it,” the family says in unison, “The Patriots!”

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

(takes off cap, holds it in hands)

Shine ya shoes, guvna?

Righ’, then. Jus’ lemme get me brush an’ I’ll make them shoes like righ’ mirrors, I will.

‘Eaded to the cenner of the city, are ya? Me, I don’ get ta leave the Bow Bells offen, workin ‘ard as I do on this ‘ere corner. Times are righ’ tough fer honest blokes like you an’ me. Nitty-gritty in these parts, but you know tha’ already, sharp fella like yerself.

Golly, me! Didja lay yer eyes on that piece of brass? ‘Ave you ever seen Bristols like tha’? I’d like to get me ‘Ampton in her Berk, knowaddaImean? Why, she looked like tha’ bird belongin’ ta Tommy Brady. Ain’t no one stoppin’ the Pay-ree-uss this year, is there?

Well, then. There you are, guvna! Bright ‘n shiny like a spring mornin.

An’ to you, too, sir. I’ll be sure ta place this on the Pats inna blow-ou’.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

Yaarrrrr!

Swoggle me eyes, bilge rat!

A more pathetic sight mine eyes have not ‘ere to alight upon. Have we a contest of a bunch of musket-totin’ freedom lovers and some scurvy overgrown lads from the Port of Jersey? Squaring off in a climate as dry as a witch’s tit?

‘Tis no place for a piratical dog such as myself. Narrrrr. Narrrrrr.

I’d sooner find meself wading through the briny deep staring down at the Spanish Armada. But if it’s a pick ye demands, lay the doubloon line a little higher, and talk we might.

Yaarrrrr.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s the Washington Post’s Dan Steinberg!

This is dumb, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I certainly never thought of myself as a “celebrity” and I’m not sure why anyone would even care what I think about the Super Bowl. Even I don’t care what I think about the game, so why should you? Whatever.

Can you believe that the Post is sending me out there for over a week? What am I supposed to do with myself? Can you imagine something so tedious as to spend media day trying to convince Eli Manning that his favorite cheese can’t be Velveeta? Hopefully somebody will have a funny shape shaved into their head, otherwise I might be relegated to writing about actual sports.

I don’t even like football. My preferences skew towards more genteel competitions like curling and competitive botany, so I can’t tell you who is going to win with any certainty.

The region of New England offers a wide array of artisanal cheeses, and I do enjoy a good Cabot cheddar. So if I’m forced to choose, I guess I’ll side with the Patriots.

Woe is me.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Next up, former movie star Tom Cruise!

We are the authorities on football. We are the authorities between the 20s and in the redzone. We are the authorities on eliminating careless penalties. We can ice kickers. We can bring pressure from the outside and cover spreads. That once you know these tools and you know that they work, it’s not good enough that I’m just doing okay.

Have you ever met one? A QB?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Being a Scientologist, when you look at a game on paper, it’s not like anyone else, it’s, you look at the matchups, you know you can see what happens with a clairvoyance THAT IS STUNNING. You know you are the only one who can really pick. That’s what drives me.

Earlier this season, when I was sitting in DS’s luxury box at FEF, I peaked up from reading my copy of KSW. These, these Giants, a team hopelessly behind at the intermission had regained the lead. I saw how they improved conditions. They were, like, man, you’re either in or you’re out. That spectatorism, I’ve no time for it. That is something we have no time for now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Giants. Patriots. PTSPs. One day they’ll just read about them in the history books. I just go through that tech, literally. It’s not how to run an offense. It’s how to shatter or confront oppression. You apply it, then boom. Madden taught me that.

We have the ability to create that new reality. Where we can pick games regardless of score. We can shatter that oppression, those QBs. Let’s get it done. Let’s get it really done.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Next up, the Gotham-smashing star of Cloverfield.

RAAAWWWWRRRR SMASSHH!!!!

ANGRY!!!! I AM NOT GODZILLA!!!!

GIANTS BY FOUR!!!!!