Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, recording superstar Beyonce Knowles.

(flips hair, gets stray wet strand in mouth)

Nowthatitstimeformetopickawinner
Don’twantyoutothinkthatI’masinner
CauseIain’tnogirlI’mawo-ooooo-OOO-oooooomannnnn
AndI’malwaysgonnabeimprooovin

(does that dance where it looks like she’s speed skating)

CauseIliketheSTEELers
IliketheirDEfense
IlikeJamesHARRison
HesgoodatthePASSrush

(taps right foot hard on the ground, sashays to the left)

IliketheSTEELers
They’regonnaMAKEit
SixSuperBOWLtiiiiiii-iiii-IIII-iii-tles
That’saleagueRECord

(shakes hips, takes out two elderly people)

IliketheSTEELers
AndifICRAMsome
MorewordsintotheCHORus
Thenyouwon’tNOTice
IthasnoMELody
AndnodeCENThook

Whoa-ooooooo-ooooo-OOOOOO-ooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-WHOAOOOOOOOOOO (shatters steel statue nearby)

IliketheSTEELers
InjustfiveMOREyears
I’llhaveasASSthat’s
AsbigasAREtha’s

UPGRADETODIRECTV!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, Deadspin workhorse Rick Chandler! [NOTE: Photo is artist's rendition]

“Pickkake.”  You keep on using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

Here’s the thing about the Super Bowl: it just doesn’t light my fire the way high school football in California does.  Also, it’s pretty hard to pick this far in advance.  But I think the Steelers will be too tough against the Ravens at home, while there’s no way the Eagles lose in Arizona.  The world simply isn’t ready for a Super Bowl with small red birds.  Steelers 24, Eagles 14.

Oh, and check out this amazing new video I just found.

Thanks, Rick!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, the NBA’s Twittering Big Aristotle, Shaquille O’Neal!

Thanks Shaq!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, reality TV star Brody Jenner!

Yo, what’s goin’ on?  It’s Brody Jenner, and you’re reading Kissing Suzy Kolber dot com!

Who do I like in the Super Browl?  Cardinals all the way, baby!  Gotta pull for my boy Matty.  Yeah, he’s calmed down a bit now, but he used to wing for me when he was at USC.  You would not BELIEVE the ass we pulled.  I mean, we’re just two brordinary guys who happen to be famous and rich and carefully unshaven with movie star good looks, and for whatever reason we always got the hottest ladies.  It’s weird, man.  Can’t explain it.

/spends three minutes on BlackBerry

And I been out to his Leinart’s place in Aribrona, too.  What?  Naw, by then he’d retired that beer bong.  Got it BROnzed after he woke up the next afternoon with three Pi Phis in his bed.  And one more on the bathroom floor next to the toilet.

/waxes eyebrows

My prediction? Cardinals: 34, Steelers: 23, me and my bros: a lotta great memories and meaningful hugs.

/strips naked and masturbates in front of mirror

Well, golly gee gingersnaps fellas, it sure is a big honor to be asked to give you my prediction of what’s gonna happen in the big game. Hooo weee, Super Bowl Sunday, it really is somethin’, ain’t it?

I wish it wouldn’t start so darn late though. Last year I only got to stay up until halftime before my parents made me go nighters. Boy, I sure was steamed. The guys at school said it had a good ending and everything. Speaking of my parents, you’re not planning on using my pick for gambling, are you? Cause if my parents find out I’m wrapped up with the sharks, they’ll ground me for sure.

The game? I do like an underdog and those Cardinals are as underdog as you can get. They have had it rough over the years. Been kicked around by just about everybody. I know that’s no fun. If their fans love their team like I love my Denver Broncos, that’s gotta be one big jackboot to the chompers on a daily basis.

So I’m thinking Arizona is gonna come out on top, because that’ll make Jesus happy and the Cardinals fans will have a reason to hold their heads high. It sure will be swell.

If I had to guess a score, I’d…Hold on, I think I hear my mom calling me.

[Runs around corner]

MWA HA HA HA

It is I, P-Professor Chaos. I care not for weak, timid little underdogs. I want to see them ground into the ashes of failure. I foresee Kurt Warner fumbling the opening snap, Larry Fitzgerald twisting his ankle and his sportswriting dad having to chronicle the whole thing.

Those big bad Steelers will crush your pitiful dreams of respectability. And chaos reigns across the land. An age of discord and all sorts of other badness. I will laugh heartily to behold it.

MWA HA HA HA

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, continuing our butch theme for the day, is Rosie O’Donell.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s spritely lesbian TV host Rachel Maddow!

As we approach the bloated, uber-commercialized spectacle of Super Bowl Sunday, we’re constantly reminded how the culture of consumption charges apace despite harrowing economic news. Companies, reeling from layoffs and dire financial forecasts, are still doling out $3 million to air 30-second ads? Who’s running them? Henry Paulson?

[Arches eyebrow and smirks]

I don’t own a TV, so I don’t watch big league sports. To me, nothing beats a good jai alai match in the park on the weekends with a group of immigrants from embattled countries. I feel this enables me to see sports as what they are from outside the media riptide. Having never watched an NFL game, I’m not swayed by the hype, or knowing what happens during games. And man, does it help to approach things from a detached and falsely high-minded perspective.

What I do know is that this Super Bowl has more than its share of “holy mackerel” stories. I don’t speak of the tired “coach versus his old team” storylines, though there are certainly plenty of those. On one hand, we have the Cardinals superstar receiver, who’s stoppable it seems only when the mother of his child puts a restraining order on him. Then there’s a destructive linebacker, a defensive player of the year, who can’t separate the violence of the gridiron from his own home. Whichever of you guys goes to Disney World needs to take a swing by Anger Management Land.

[Sighs impatiently]

So I don’t know. If forced, I’ll go with the Steelers, being that they’re close with Obama and all. There. I’m holding my nose and vote yay on them.

Next up, I’ll devote four minutes of my show to an underreported foreign story so I look down on everyone else in the media. Back after some non-$3 million commercials.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s renown pyromaniac Muppet…Beaker!

Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.
Meee-mee meee-mee.
Me. Me. Me-me-me.

Thanks, Beaker, you cocksucking frontrunner. More celebrity picks to come!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the ghost of late actor Ricardo Montalban.

Ah. Yes. Hello, my friends. It is I, the apparition of Ricardo Montalban, made famous by my role on THE FANTASY ISLAND.

I am here to tell you that in the afterlife, there is nothing for you to fear. All of the feelings become sensuous ones. You recall old lovers without bitterness. And all the chairs are furnished with rich Corinthian leather. Truly it is a paradise to behold.

Just the other day, I sat poolside on a chaise lounge, received a blowjob from a woman of exotic extraction while enjoying the warm invitation of a Maxwell House coffee. It was then that I thought to myself why I would fear this at all during my life.

Warm assurances aside, my presence is brought of another purpose. You wish for me to tell you my thoughts on the upcoming, ah, Super Bowl. I do miss the Super Bowl. The boundless energy. The sense of importance. Loose woman at their loosest and drugs at their most potent. What a time to be alive.

When we filmed THE FANTASY ISLAND back in the late 1970s, we were a cultural phenomenon and attracted celebrities across the firmament of the stars. This included the sports world. Surely, members of the Steel Curtain numbered among them. They were brutish fellows, but gentlemen at heart. And L.C. Greenwood introduced me to the exotic dancer who would later become a prized mistress. For that, I am indebted to him always.

For that reason, I am picking the Pittsburgh Steelers. May you bask in the glories of a life richly lived. Before long, I will join you in the lush embrace of our Lord’s everlasting love. Now forgive as I return poolside to my limber friend.