Electronic Arts Is Whores, Part One Million: We already knew the new edition of Madden will include an online feature that allows players to scout a prospective opponent’s situational playcalling tendencies, an innovation that was pretty cool until EA announced that players could simply purchase such scouting reports rather than just earn them through playing. Now word comes that a new quantifiable attribute has been added to the several dozen that everyone ignores in favor of “overall”. That’s right, each player now has a “swagger” rating, which judging by how Tom Zbikowski stacks up against his teammates, might as well be a melanin scale. Oh yeah, and this individual rating has been sponsored by Old Spice. I guess they’re still working on getting the Fraternal Order of Police to sponsor the speed rating.

Cedric Benson: Now A True Bengal Drunk boating and Sun Chips aficionado Cedric Benson had himself a fine resurrection season last year, but something never felt quite right. After all, he was arrested twice while in college and twice with the Bears, yet no such run-ins with the law since joining Cincy. NO LONGER! In May, Benson was arrested for assaulting a bar employee in Austin. Somehow it never got out until now, after he already tried to work over the team for a new contract. Why cover it up, Ced? They love that sort of thing.

Things That Will Be Funny In January (If Not Now): LaToeInjury told Sal Paolantonio that the Jets will “absolutely” win the Super Bowl with him as a member of the team. I guess he already got the memo that Rex Ryan plans on limiting his carries, then. Elsewhere, Anquan Boldin said that the first person to contact him after he was traded to the Ravens was Ray Lewis. According to Boldin, “Ray said to me, ‘You know, it’s in Dallas this year.’” The receiver inferred that he meant the Super Bowl, but apparently Boldin has never gotten wind of the annually rotating StabLiePrayCon (Aug. 14-18 in the Dallas Convention Center).

Video of Lions Team President’s DUI Arrest: He tries to tell the cop he hasn’t had a drink in a year and a half. Sure, buddy. Like it’s been that long since the Lions played.

If passed, legislation currently working it way through Congress would make compulsory breathalyzer locks on all regulation-size footballs in the United States. Such locks not only counteract the public interest by making standard what should only be used in extreme cases, such as for running back Cedric Benson, they would create a de facto prohibition.

Proponents of breath ball locks are using cases such as Benson and Javon Kearse, and the sensationalized accounts of their arrests in the media, as an excuse to impose invasive big government tactics into our everyday lives.

Ball carriers with a high blood alcohol content (BAC) are responsible for far more alcohol-related fumbles and premature stumbles on the football field than other impaired players. The average BAC of a drunk fumbler is 0.19, more than twice the legal limit.

By 2005, the NFL had lowered its legal playing limit from 0.10 to 0.08 percent—even though players talking on helmet microphone made more errors and have longer reaction times than players who are legally “drunk” at 0.08 BAC. (In fact, the average BAC in 2005 of an offensive player involved a turnover was 0.17—more that twice the current legal limit.)

At less than 0.08 percent most people don’t exhibit any signs of intoxication. But under “presumptive” laws in almost half of the states, players can be flagged for playing while “impaired” with BAC levels as low as 0.02 percent.

Requiring such low universal standards for using the game ball would encroach upon on way of life. Gone would be the halftime fifth of vodka, the Gatorade on the sideline laced with rum or even the stolen flask from a fan. Hell, Jared Allen’s mind doesn’t even function with a BAC under 0.23.

Citizens wishing to learn more about how ball locks would infringe on our basic and Constitutionally protected civil rights are encouraged to visit breathballfacts.org.