Just in time for the Fourth, it’s time to talk a little ice cream.

I’ve been on this planet for a while now, so my method of eating ice cream has been more or less well established. I always get a cake cone and not a sugar cone. A cake cone catches drips more easily (though I often lick around the edge of the cone to prevent such occurrences. A little cone rim job, if you will). Plus, it has little nooks around the rim that fill with delicious ice cream runoff. It’s quite nice.

I also frown at any 12-year-old retard ice cream scooper who does NOT press the ice cream down into the cone, thus filling it. If the scooper fails to do this, I will use my tongue to push the ice cream down into the cone. That way, once I start biting into the cone, I be in flavor country. Aw yeah. Then I beat the scooper about the head with my wife’s diaper bag.

Not a big waffle cone fan. All waffle cones have that slit going down the middle, which channels the melted ice cream directly onto your wrist. Fuck. I’ve never gotten one of those oreo cookie cones that’s been dipped in fudge and rolled around in M&M’s. You need to be a special kind of fat person to get that.

Also, a note to the scoopers at Cold Stone: stop banging your fucking paddles on the counter. It’s fucking annoying.

Anyway, here’s your draft. Draft your favorite flavor of ice cream. I’ll allow sorbets, gelatos, and sherbets. But make it a FLAVOR. Don’t say “I love banana splits!” or something retarded like that. Pick one flavor only. Once you pick a flavor, wait 10 picks before taking another one. My pick: Mint chocolate chip.

Eat the pig… eat the pig… ZIGGY ZIGGY ZIGGY ZIG!!!