One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.

And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:

Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.

You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.

The weekly Meast post is one of our favorite spots for an off-topic rant, and I’d like to take this opportunity to share my list of the five laziest words in sports commentary (phony/fraud/punk/clown/thug). It’s inspired by stupid people talking loudly, which is my least favorite thing on the planet after puppies dying and female circumcision. Though in some ways, dead puppies and female circumcision are better than stupid people talking loudly. They are, at the very least, less prevalent. ANYHOO, go read it and share it and stop watching “Around the Horn.”

Your Sean Taylor Memorial Meast for Week 15 is, as the banner image suggests, Calvin Johnson, who had nine receptions for 214 yards and two TDs in Oakland, including the game-winner and several huge catches in the fourth quarter. Also receiving votes: Drew Brees, Aldon Smith, Roddy White, and… Reggie Bush? That can’t be right.

Keep reading for a very special Least:

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Well well well.

/opens Photoshop

/Googles “sofia vergara cleavage”

Ta-da!

Got a better idea? Use the cutout below (or make your own, lazyass) and email it to us.

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What’s up, Patriots fans? Nice win yesterday. Good to see that at least ONE team can accrue more than a ten-point lead over the Broncos over the course of the game’s first 55 minutes. As spiteful, bile-spewing fans of other NFL teams, it was wonderful to see Tim Tebow’s sad face.

But don’t think for a second that beating Tebow makes you an ounce less detested. You’re still racist self-centered scum, and we will continue to hate you with our black hearts forever and ever until Batman kills Goodell and the Earth swallows up a field defenders incapable of catching Hines Ward in the open field. (NOTE: will never happen)

Screw you, we’re gonna watch Tom Brady crap his pants as Elvis Dumervil flattens him 800 more times.

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All I wanted for Christmas was for Tim Tebow to lose by three scores at home to one of the worst passing defenses in the NFL. And yet, despite a game result that finally matched Tebow’s statistical mediocrity (the kindest possible word for his performance), it’s still not enough to silence the pro-Tebow vote. DAMN YOUR FAITH!!! (In Tebow, I mean.)

Well, to hell with the pro-Tebow vote. They can blame the offensive line or God all they want; I’m going to tune them out by looking at these picture of Sad Tebow while I hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

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Hello and welcome to a particularly robust mailbag; I promise the Bear Patrol image will make sense farther into the column.

Once again, because it’s the fantasy playoffs, we got far too many submission to include everyone’s submissions, so I apologize to everyone whose emails weren’t included. I promise I still love you. Let’s jump right in:

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There are three types of people who should watch tonight’s rancid edition of Monday Night Football: Seahawks fans, fantasy owners of Marshawn Lynch, and pathetic drunks addicted to even the lamest NFL matchup. That’s me, me, and also me.

Since we devoted our weekly live-blogification to last night’s Cowboys meltdown, tonight’s “action” from no-longer-Qwest gets only this shoddy open thread. Come for the Skittles, stay out of morbid curiosity for what Jaws and Gruden will discuss in the 4th quarter.

Hooray, Week 14! Fantasy playoffs! Nothing quite like adjusting your lineup week in and week out, then watching it all implode in the playoffs because Matt Forte and Adrian Peterson are injured!  HA HA HA WHEEEEEEE *runs off cliff*

I can’t say there’s a whole lot of intrigue in the REAL football, either. The Pats and Saints get three stars because OFFENSE!, and the only game between two competent teams is Houston-Cincy. Think about that: T.J. Yates versus a rookie quarterback is the only early game where both teams have a shot at the playoffs. If anyone needs me, I’ll be napping between Patriots touchdowns.

New England @ Washington ???
Kansas City @ NY Jets ??
Houston @ Cincinnati ???
Indianapolis @ Baltimore ?
New Orleans @ Tennessee ??? VIEWING ADVISORY: Joe Buck.
Minnesota @ Detroit ??
Philadelphia @ Miami ?
Atlanta @ Carolina ?
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville ?

(NFL coverage maps here)

Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Thanks to everyone for writing in this week; with most fantasy leagues entering the playoffs this week, we had a flood of great letters, and I’m sorry to say there were some very good ones that I just couldn’t get to. Keep writing in!

Before we get going with your emails, I want to direct you to another font of forward-thinking relationship knowledge, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, a website written by Sheila Wrae Gregoire that’s dedicated to helping Christian women honor their wedding vows AND the Lord’s desires. Some choice excerpts collated by Afternoon Snooze Button:

1. Is it okay for Christians to use sex toys? (Answer: No. “Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. Do you really want to get reliant on something your husband can never be for an orgasm?”)
2. What’s a godly form of birth control? (Answer: the chart method. Keep a calendar, toss the condoms.)
3. What should I do if my husband wants to be adventurous in bed? (Answer: New positions are okay, but be careful! This desire for adventure might be enabling his porn addiction!)
4. What to do if I’m too loose to have sex? (Answer: Buy Kegel exercisers on Amazon. But be careful to make sure you don’t accidentally buy sex toys!)

All I ask is that you don’t abandon the KSK mailbag permanently after finding such wisdom. That lady better not start fielding questions about Tebow.

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We’ve already posted this video, but it needs to be witnessed again in order to (A) honor Week 14 Meast Marshawn Lynch and (B) rebuff anyone who thinks the award belongs to someone else.

And yes, there was plenty of meastiness to go around this week: Aaron Roders continued his brilliance with a clutch performance despite his wide receivers’ sudden case of the drops; Ray Rice ran for two bills and a score (against Cleveland); Chris Johnson — no doubt rested from taking the first nine weeks of the season off — put up 150+ yards and two touchdowns; Demaryius Thomas somehow accrued 144 yards on passes from Tim Tebow; and a defensive player on your favorite team had a dominant performance, but I won’t name him so you can complain about the snub in the comments.

Still, none of that was quite as impressive as Meast Bode 2.0 disappearing from swarms of tacklers to score a touchdown for the 8th straight game. And this isn’t me speaking as a Seahawks fan; this was a unanimous decision among the Gay Mafia. So there.

Your Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week is even less surprising:

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