Hooray, Week 14! Fantasy playoffs! Nothing quite like adjusting your lineup week in and week out, then watching it all implode in the playoffs because Matt Forte and Adrian Peterson are injured!  HA HA HA WHEEEEEEE *runs off cliff*

I can’t say there’s a whole lot of intrigue in the REAL football, either. The Pats and Saints get three stars because OFFENSE!, and the only game between two competent teams is Houston-Cincy. Think about that: T.J. Yates versus a rookie quarterback is the only early game where both teams have a shot at the playoffs. If anyone needs me, I’ll be napping between Patriots touchdowns.

New England @ Washington ★★★
Kansas City @ NY Jets ★★
Houston @ Cincinnati ★★★
Indianapolis @ Baltimore ★
New Orleans @ Tennessee ★★★ VIEWING ADVISORY: Joe Buck.
Minnesota @ Detroit ★★
Philadelphia @ Miami ★
Atlanta @ Carolina ★
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville ★

(NFL coverage maps here)

Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Thanks to everyone for writing in this week; with most fantasy leagues entering the playoffs this week, we had a flood of great letters, and I’m sorry to say there were some very good ones that I just couldn’t get to. Keep writing in!

Before we get going with your emails, I want to direct you to another font of forward-thinking relationship knowledge, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, a website written by Sheila Wrae Gregoire that’s dedicated to helping Christian women honor their wedding vows AND the Lord’s desires. Some choice excerpts collated by Afternoon Snooze Button:

1. Is it okay for Christians to use sex toys? (Answer: No. “Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. Do you really want to get reliant on something your husband can never be for an orgasm?”)
2. What’s a godly form of birth control? (Answer: the chart method. Keep a calendar, toss the condoms.)
3. What should I do if my husband wants to be adventurous in bed? (Answer: New positions are okay, but be careful! This desire for adventure might be enabling his porn addiction!)
4. What to do if I’m too loose to have sex? (Answer: Buy Kegel exercisers on Amazon. But be careful to make sure you don’t accidentally buy sex toys!)

All I ask is that you don’t abandon the KSK mailbag permanently after finding such wisdom. That lady better not start fielding questions about Tebow.

Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve already posted this video, but it needs to be witnessed again in order to (A) honor Week 14 Meast Marshawn Lynch and (B) rebuff anyone who thinks the award belongs to someone else.

And yes, there was plenty of meastiness to go around this week: Aaron Roders continued his brilliance with a clutch performance despite his wide receivers’ sudden case of the drops; Ray Rice ran for two bills and a score (against Cleveland); Chris Johnson — no doubt rested from taking the first nine weeks of the season off — put up 150+ yards and two touchdowns; Demaryius Thomas somehow accrued 144 yards on passes from Tim Tebow; and a defensive player on your favorite team had a dominant performance, but I won’t name him so you can complain about the snub in the comments.

Still, none of that was quite as impressive as Meast Bode 2.0 disappearing from swarms of tacklers to score a touchdown for the 8th straight game. And this isn’t me speaking as a Seahawks fan; this was a unanimous decision among the Gay Mafia. So there.

Your Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week is even less surprising:

Read the rest of this entry »

Bill Cosby’s coming to Denver on March 31st, so he wants you to call Tim Tebow and make sure it’s a nice day. [YouTube]

Speaking of Tebow and blind hero worship, the funniest thing on the internet today is Jon Bois’s evangelical tract about the Gunslinger prophecy. (“why did we build a jail in the forest”) [SB Nation]

Last year, Seahawks DE Raheem Brock was pulled over for fishtailing at 90 mph at 2:30 in the morning. Breathalyzer tests showed his BAC to be .111 and .115. He then chastised the Seattle cops for not “taking care of their athletes,” so the paperwork got lost. JUSTICE! [Deadspin]

On last night’s MNF broadcast, ESPN cut to a skyline shot of Jacksonville that was actually file footage of Charlotte. The error was noticed by people who live in Charlotte, and no one else in America. [SportsGrid]

The fakest real Rick Reilly story ever. Parody no longer exists. [@ReillyRick]

Dear aspiring and established journalists: events and facts should drive a story, not whim and conjecture. So if you could NOT gaze longingly at Mississippi every time a starting quarterback gets injured, that’d great. Thanks!

It’s a pretty lackluster slate of early games. Ordinarily, Pats-Colts is a delightful late-season hatefest; this year, the Pats are three-touchdown favorites, the first 20+ point favorites in an NFL game since 2007. Denver-Minnesota might have been interesting if Von Miller and Adrian Peterson were playing (they’re not). And depending on Tyler Palko’s performance against the Bears defense, keep your eyes open for a Kyle Orton sighting in Chicago.

That leaves Bengals at Steelers as the big draw today. The Steelers need the divisional win to stay in contention for the AFC North; the Bengals can leapfrog Pittsburgh in the Wild Card standings with a win. Yellow towels shall be waved, bad blood mixed, concussions delivered, fines levied. The outcome’s unclear, but one thing is certain: WE GON DRANK.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh ★★★★
Atlanta @ Houston ★★★
Oakland @ Miami ★★
NY Jets @ Washington ★★
Indianapolis @ New England ★★
Denver @ Minnesota ★★
Tennessee @ Buffalo ★
Carolina @ Tampa Bay ★
Kansas City @ Chicago (Tyler Palko versus Caleb Hanie. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.) ★

Week 13 coverage maps here.

Don’t mind me, just putting this here so I can have it forever, like a neverending handful of Skittles.

(GIF via)

Image relevant to tonight's Eagles-Seahawks BIRDFEST

It’s Week 12: the final week of the fantasy regular season. Two of my three fantasy teams are headed to the playoffs, and the other one has a puncher’s chance of getting in. Come on TEBOW! SCORE THREE RUSHING TOUCHDOWNS!

What’s that? No one cares about my fantasy team? Sorry, I forgot protocol.

But I care about YOUR fantasy teams, so let’s get to the questions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Every time I see Marcedes Lewis’s name, I picture a car that vaguely looks like Mercedes but is actually a cheap Taiwanese knock-off. The logo looks the same, but the words around it read “Marcedes-Bonz.”

Marcedes fulfilled the promise of his name on Sunday, dropping the widest of wide-open passes that was oh-so-gently tossed to him as he stood alone in the end zone. A season after 700 receiving yards and 10 touchdowns netted him a $35 million contract, Lewis has just 281 yards and zero TDs this year. Google probably said it best:

Del Rio: “I still have faith in Marcedes.”
Jaguars: “You’re fired.”

So yeah, Marcedes Lewis is the Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week.

And the Meast:

Read the rest of this entry »

As much as I’d love to spend five hours formatting and writing careful responses to your sex and fantasy football questions this week, I’m instead going to spend time with my family and gorge myself on turkey and mashed potatoes and bourbon. It’s a big one for me, too: my parents are meeting my future in-laws for the first time. And while the potential for awkwardness looms like a gravy-dipped Sword of Damocles, I feel pretty confident that everyone just wants to get along and be liked. I think it’ll go well. *crosses fingers*

But enough about my boring life. The looming holiday didn’t stem the tide of questions, and we should get to those. And I say “we” because this week I’m giving you the shortest, curtest, and least considerate of answers. So if you want longer advice, seek it out in the comments. (NOTE: KSK does not endorse the advice of its commenters.) I know it’s not much, but it’s all I’m willing to do. Deal with it.

Read the rest of this entry »