Merry Christmas, everyone. We had to get you some Cardinals cheerleaders in Santa costumes because the stingy-ass Packers can’t shell out to import attractive women to their frigid little ville. Buncha cheese-makin’ Scrooges.

Anyway, consider this your open thread for tonight’s game. Both teams have reason to play, as the Bears still have a sliver of a playoff hope, and Green Bay has yet to lock up the #1 seed in the NFC. Of course, with the game in Lambeau, Matt Forte still out, and the Bears starting Josh McCown in lieu of the Great Caleb Hanie Experiment, welllllll… the days don’t look so merry and bright for the Bears. But look! You can see the breath coming out of the linemen’s helmets! That’s something.

Enjoy the game, and warmest holiday wishes from the perverts at KSK.

So, a couple things from the early games: (1) Few things are more entertaining than a stuffy rich white man going for a high-five and coming up empty; (2) Jerome Simpson displayed some remarkable acrobatics while scoring what is likely the touchdown of the year; and (3) Adrian Peterson is out with a severed leg and may never walk again and will die before Christmas morning. You’ll find animated GIFs of all three of those below, though I don’t recommend watching the Peterson injury. Yikes.

Here are the late games:

San Diego @ Detroit ★★★
Philadelphia @ Dallas ★★★★
San Francisco @ Seattle ★★★

Obviously, Philly-Dallas is the premiere hatefest this afternoon, but all four of the teams in the other two games have some kind of stake in the playoff hunt, which lessens the crappiness we’re otherwise used to from Detroit and the NFC West.

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For once, I’m opening the mailbag with a fantasy football topic. Commenter Upstate Underdog emailed with a terrifying prospect for Aaron Rodgers owners:

Do I start Rodgers this week? I’m sure I’m not the only person pulling their hair out over this. Do I start Fitzpatrick or roll the dice and hope SF beats Seattle therefore forcing Rodgers to play. If the Niners lose there’s a good chance Rodgers sits or only plays one or two quarters since GB will have secured the #1 seed. I hate fantasy football and really wish the SF/Seattle game was being played on Thursday night.

As a Seahawks fan who needs big games from both Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch to have any hope in the fantasy championship, all I have to say is, “GUHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I don’t even have a backup quarterback on my team any more. I am 100% screwed. If the world works the way it always does, the Seahawks will win this week, prompting Rodgers to play half a game so I lose the fantasy championship (one year after his Week 14 concussion knocked me out of the playoffs. What a jerk!). I’ll console myself by telling myself that at least the Seahawks can make the playoffs, then they’ll lose in Week 17. Heartbreak always goes to 11.

Let’s get to our questions:

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One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.

And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:

Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.

You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.

The weekly Meast post is one of our favorite spots for an off-topic rant, and I’d like to take this opportunity to share my list of the five laziest words in sports commentary (phony/fraud/punk/clown/thug). It’s inspired by stupid people talking loudly, which is my least favorite thing on the planet after puppies dying and female circumcision. Though in some ways, dead puppies and female circumcision are better than stupid people talking loudly. They are, at the very least, less prevalent. ANYHOO, go read it and share it and stop watching “Around the Horn.”

Your Sean Taylor Memorial Meast for Week 15 is, as the banner image suggests, Calvin Johnson, who had nine receptions for 214 yards and two TDs in Oakland, including the game-winner and several huge catches in the fourth quarter. Also receiving votes: Drew Brees, Aldon Smith, Roddy White, and… Reggie Bush? That can’t be right.

Keep reading for a very special Least:

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Well well well.

/opens Photoshop

/Googles “sofia vergara cleavage”

Ta-da!

Got a better idea? Use the cutout below (or make your own, lazyass) and email it to us.

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What’s up, Patriots fans? Nice win yesterday. Good to see that at least ONE team can accrue more than a ten-point lead over the Broncos over the course of the game’s first 55 minutes. As spiteful, bile-spewing fans of other NFL teams, it was wonderful to see Tim Tebow’s sad face.

But don’t think for a second that beating Tebow makes you an ounce less detested. You’re still racist self-centered scum, and we will continue to hate you with our black hearts forever and ever until Batman kills Goodell and the Earth swallows up a field defenders incapable of catching Hines Ward in the open field. (NOTE: will never happen)

Screw you, we’re gonna watch Tom Brady crap his pants as Elvis Dumervil flattens him 800 more times.

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All I wanted for Christmas was for Tim Tebow to lose by three scores at home to one of the worst passing defenses in the NFL. And yet, despite a game result that finally matched Tebow’s statistical mediocrity (the kindest possible word for his performance), it’s still not enough to silence the pro-Tebow vote. DAMN YOUR FAITH!!! (In Tebow, I mean.)

Well, to hell with the pro-Tebow vote. They can blame the offensive line or God all they want; I’m going to tune them out by looking at these picture of Sad Tebow while I hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

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Hello and welcome to a particularly robust mailbag; I promise the Bear Patrol image will make sense farther into the column.

Once again, because it’s the fantasy playoffs, we got far too many submission to include everyone’s submissions, so I apologize to everyone whose emails weren’t included. I promise I still love you. Let’s jump right in:

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There are three types of people who should watch tonight’s rancid edition of Monday Night Football: Seahawks fans, fantasy owners of Marshawn Lynch, and pathetic drunks addicted to even the lamest NFL matchup. That’s me, me, and also me.

Since we devoted our weekly live-blogification to last night’s Cowboys meltdown, tonight’s “action” from no-longer-Qwest gets only this shoddy open thread. Come for the Skittles, stay out of morbid curiosity for what Jaws and Gruden will discuss in the 4th quarter.