Welp, this is what the media’s been ejaculating about all week. It’ll have to be a helluva game to be half as entertaining as Saints-49ers, but we can all hope for various things: broken legs, meteor strike, Brady Quinn playing, et cetera. Play along in the comments, and join us tomorrow for a double-header of live-blogs.
Last night I made a bunch of Photoshops of Tim Tebow as a centaur. I don’t know why. I hadn’t been drinking. I didn’t swallow eight buttons of peyote. The possibility just flickered into my head for an instant, and then it had to be. I’m sorry.
Whew. Big mailbag today. There’s not much going on in the world of fantasy football, but we’ve got plenty to discuss when it comes to sex and love: drunken sex with a crazy girl, online dating, online dating that leads to drunken sex with a crazy girl, more drunken sex, and, uh… dealing with future in-laws? I guess that last one doesn’t quite fit the theme. Sorry.
KSK turned into a hardcore Tebow blog so gradually I didn't even notice.
HARDCORE CHRISTIANITY HAS A NEW SET OF UNDERWEAR. Tim Tebow is now posing shirtless for Jockey, which — all things considered — is less offensive than Michael Jordan and his Hitlerstache.
In other Tebow-centric news: Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl loses bet, Tebows in Broncos jersey; Nuggets mascot dons Tebow jersey, sinks reverse halfcourt shot; and NFL.com seriously has a slideshow on what Tebow’s babies would look like if he mated with celebrities.
On a related note, KSK officially endorses cheering for the Patriots this weekend.
*QUEEF* John Parr, who wrote and recorded #1 hit “St. Elmo’s Fire” in 1985, has refurbished the song with lyrics about Tim Tebow. It’s so exquisitely awful that I got goosebumps. It’s like when Elton John remade “Candle in the Wind” for Princess Diana, except heroic paparazzo has orchestrated a martyring car crash.
HUE! Former Packers exec Reggie McKenzie had a productive first day as the Raiders’ new GM: he wasted no time firing coach Hue Jackson. The Raiders lost four of their final five games, including a Week 17 home loss to the Chargers that allowed the Tebroncos into the playoffs. Good riddance, says I.
O YOU FANCY. The Postmortal, which was written by our very own Drew Magary, has been nominated for the Philip K. Dick Award (“presented annually to a distinguished work of science fiction published in paperback original form in the United States”). Fitting that Drew’s first big award nomination is the Dickie. Sources say the event will be hosted by…
‘DOOR FLIES OPEN’ IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF KISSING SUZY KOLBER LLC. Early today we became aware of a satirical article by Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal in which Rex Ryan gives a pep talk to the New York Giants. He wrote us a very nice email in which he apologized and confessed ignorance of Drew’s REX RYAN: BEST COACH EVER character. He seemed genuinely aghast about the whole thing, so, you know, no need to flame him on Twitter or firebomb his house.
WITH GOD ON HIS SIDE. Pardon my whoring, but yesterday I imagined what God would have to do to help the Broncos win the Super Bowl. Please read and share it on the Twitbooks.
Well folks, with the playoffs kicking off this weekend and almost no fantasy action to be had, we’ve lifted the usual restraints and allowed several sex-only questions this week, which is what most of you depraved jackals want anyway. We’ll keep the restrictions loose over the next couple of months and switch back to equal parts sex and FF as the NFL Draft gets closer. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to your questions.
(image via)
This week’s Meast and Least non sequitur is this video of Gary Busey on “Wife Swap,” via my old stomping ground of Warming Glow. You must watch it. Gary Busey doing anything is equal parts terrifying and immensely watchable, but in this case he’s interacting with Ted Haggard’s wife. This is a woman who stayed with her husband after it turned out Ted was using meth and soliciting gay prostitutes, and yet she’s STILL out of her element. NO ONE can keep up with Gary Busey, except maybe Nick Nolte on ketamine armed with a sack of raccoons.
Okay, good times. Let’s talk about the Week 17 Meast and Least, shall we?
Because of the holidays, we weren’t particularly vigilant about watching all of the internet’s new viral videos. And so we missed the runaway electric cart that plowed into a crowd of coaches and media following the Texas 5A Division II high school championship at Cowboys Stadium, even though our bros at With Leather posted a version of the video (no one was seriously injured, by the way). I have consumed this video in every way possible dozens of times, and it now powers my heart and moves the blood through my body. The acts of tragedy and heroism by be-khaki’d men is my new reason for living. For streamlined repeat viewing, enjoy it in GIF form (via Jon Bois’s excellent 50 Greatest Sports GIFs of 2011):
In the high-angle shot, you can see the cart stalk its prey like unsuspecting water buffalo on the Serengeti:
Note that the hero of the video, the guy in the dark blue polo shirt, begins his chase after the cart in the back corner of the end zone, but doesn’t catch it until the opposite 25-yard marker. That is an 85-yard dash for a stocky Texan. His tenacity and wherewithal in stopping the cart gets him first place in a viral video full of geniuses.
For good measure, here’s the “Ridin’ Dirty” remix:
Second place goes to the guy who ends up on the cart, tries to steer it, then rolls onto the field, as that was his only hope of survival. Third place goes to the fat guy in the white polo who rushes to help but trips on his own feet and falls down.
But really, we’re all winners here. Thank you, runaway electric cart. You are much more enjoyable when you create injuries on the field than when you carry them off.
It’s Week 17, which means that unless your commissioner has no idea what he’s doing, your fantasy season is over.
As such, we’re forgoing the usual mailbag this week, and instead handing out our first-ever year-end fantasy awards (It’s kind of like the Pro Bowl roster announcement, except this matters). I’ve broken down the best and worst of fantasy football players into three categories: the All-Meast Team, the A-1 Value Team, and the All-Disappointment Team. Let’s start with the best of every position:
QB: Aaron Rodgers. True, Brees has more yards passing, but Rodgers has more TDs, half as many INTs, and three times as many rushing yards and rush TDs. Rodgers’s five touchdown passes in the Week 16 championship seals the deal.
RB: LeSean McCoy, Ray Rice. No one came close to touching McCoy this season. Rice edges out Arian Foster (who had slightly more rushing yards) for catching more passes and not being injured early in the season.
WR: Calvin Johnson, Wes Welker. Megatron gets the nod for being the best human in the world at catching TD passes on a week-to-week basis; Welker gets it for total yards and the off chance that you have a PPR league.
TE: Rob Gronkowski. Here’s me in August: “Yeah, Gronkowski’s good, but Hernandez is going to affect how many touches he gets.” I wil never forgive myself for thinking that.
K: David Akers. Seven field goals of 50+ yards. I mean, you can only give Alex Smith’s stalled drives so much credit.
D/ST: Detroit. Whaaaaa? Yes, the 49ers or Ravens may seem like the logical choices here, but those daunting defenses scored five touchdowns combined this year; the Lions scored an NFL-best seven. Throw in 39 sacks and 32 turnovers, and the Lions D accrued more points than any other unit in most scoring formats.
Yes, we all know that the Pro Bowl — the actual game — is a lame substitute for NFL football, a Hawaiian vacation for good NFL players who play like they’re on a Hawaiian vacation. But the Pro Bowl roster, which was released today, actually kinda matters. Players have contract incentives to make the Pro Bowl, and more importantly, we fans get to bitch about how the selection process snubbed more deserving players. Let’s take a look:
NFC Offense
QB: Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Eli Manning
RB: LeSean McCoy, Matt Forte, Frank Gore
WR: Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Baby-Punchin’ Steve Smith, Greg Jennings
FB: John Kuhn
TE: Jimmy Graham, Tony Gonzalez
OT: Jason Peters, Joe Staley, Jermon Bushrod
OG: Jahri Evans, Carl Nicks, Davin Joseph
C: Ryan Kalil, Scott Wells
The most egregious snub here is Manning getting the nod over Matt Stafford, who threw 10 more touchdowns and two fewer INTs on more pass attempts than Manning. Stafford also had a higher completion percentage and quarterback rating. And his team won more games. And his face isn’t all “DURRRRR” every time you look at him. Hell, Cam Newton belongs on that roster ahead of Eli.
On the other hand, Eli led the NFC in being related to Archie and Peyton Manning. Suck on that, best season by a rookie quarterback in NFL history.
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