I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.

As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.

Hey Caveman,
With fantasy football (and unfortunately now real football) on ice–can you opine for a bit on Peyton Manning’s future? I know you probably don’t like to talk about what every other puppet is yapping about, but as a Dolphins fan, I’m really praying we start next season with something resembling a professional quarterback. I have no idea the medical odds of Manning ever playing again, let alone us getting him, but I need something to cling to. Surely you know what that’s like.

Manning’s done in Indy. This isn’t some huge revelation, as the Colts owe Manning a $28 million option next month, which is about three to six months before anyone will know if the nerves in his throwing arm will regenerate to the point where he can throw again.

So what’s gonna happen? Welcome to the subject of every “Around the Horn” and “PTI” for the next six months. There are, what? Ten, maybe 12 reliably good quarterbacks in the NFL? At any given moment, two-thirds of NFL teams would benefit from one of the best quarterbacks in history. “IF” — I can already hear Mike Wilbon interjecting — “if he gets healthy, Tony.” So yeah. Get used to hearing uninformed speculation.

The Dolphins are a chic prediction right now, and Redskins fans are already clamoring for him, although if I were Manning I’d want to play for a team that had decent receivers. Drew’s certain that he’s headed to the Jets, and it would certainly be an interesting story line to have both Mannings playing in the Meadowlands. Hell, I’d be cool with ol’ Fetushead playing for Seattle, but it’ll never happen because my team is dogshit.

(I wrote all this last night, and today SB Nation has an article about this very subject. Enjoy.)

Secondly, just got out of a couple month thing, never got too serious so everyone’s OK. I’m patient, willing to wait until I meet someone I like, so I’m in no rush. That said, I’d still like some occasional company, where no one’s got expectations and it can either be friendly and flirty but no more, or a “let’s get drunk and see what happens” thing. In college, I had a few friends who fit the bill–everyone does, the person you booty call even though you haven’t seen them in months. But since leaving school, I find myself trying to be more “adult”, and one of the things that seems to mean to me is not booty calling someone you dated in the past. Thus, I have my exes, and my friends, but I don’t hook up with my exes because I think that’s childish to even try for some reason, and I don’t hook up with my friends because, well, we’re not interested in each other. Is that just part of growing up, or am I deluding myself and everyone in their late 20′s still does the same shit they did in college? Is there anyway to get the random hookup without having to hit on drunk girls at a shitty bar?
-Not Into Craigslist Either

To answer your question, I looked back on my late 20s, and I seem to remember having sex at reasonable intervals even though I wasn’t out at bars trying to pick girls up. In fact, going out to the bars with the specific intention of trying to pick up girls NEVER worked, regardless of my age. Part of that is because I don’t really like talking to strangers, but the bigger reason is that I was out TRYING to pick up girls. Women know when that’s why you’re out, and it turns them off. They can smell your desperation. I think back to the handful of occasions since college when I picked up a girl at a bar, and every time I was just having a fun night with friends and not trying to get laid. Catch-22, man.

ANYWAY, your late 20s: just meet people and date casually. I never called up an ex-girlfriend for sex because (a) they were usually living with their new boyfriend a few months after our breakup and (b) I should really have a second reason here. Nevertheless, I feel that by your late 20s, you should have an infrastructure in place to get laid if you want to. Maybe it’s an old high school crush you reconnected with over Facebook who’s in town for the weekend, maybe it’s a cute friend of a mutual friend you met at a party last week, maybe it’s someone you went out with two months ago but didn’t follow up with. These are the seeds of getting laid, and you water them not with a late-night booty call, but with a friendly text/email/phone call with sufficient lead time that tells them you’d like to spend some time with them over dinner. Then you split a bottle of wine and have her sit on your face. Who says romance is dead?

**********

Passionate Shoguns of the Hershey Highway,
I wrote in to the mailbag once before about an unattractive girl who wanted to fuck me, but whom I didn’t like. You gave me good advice (which I tried to take, but failed), so I thought I’d ask another.

I recall this one. While I was supportive of getting that first sexual encounter out of the way, I was lukewarm about you diving into bed with someone who repulsed you. If I recall correctly, the commenters disagreed and said you should just punch that V-card, bro.

So I told the girl no back then, and eventually ended up not speaking to her for about 3 months. One night three weeks ago, after a night of drinking and smoking with my buddies, she calls me out of the blue. She asks me to come over, so I do. One thing led to another, and I end up fucking her. Even though I didn’t finish, it still counts, right? Can I proudly proclaim I’m no longer a virgin? Someone once told me if you don’t finish, it doesn’t count.

That person probably has a subscription to Maxim.

Is that an accepted law, or just some bullshit? Would your opinion change if I told you I didn’t use a condom? I know these are probably some stupid questions, but I figured I’d ask anyway.

You are no longer a virgin. Penis into vagina = sex. Although you did miss out on the best part, probably because of the weed and booze and not being attracted to the person you were having sex with. Also, because I can never say this enough: USE A CONDOM, IDIOT.

Fast-forward to now. She says I was great apparently (and improbably. She must have had a run of incredibly shitty partners) and wants to make casual sex between us a regular thing. She wants it so much in fact, that she’s willing to let me name the terms of the agreement in full. While I’m not attracted to her, I could probably make use of more experience, and any pussy is better than a sock, right?

I used to think that was true until I had the worst sex of my life (back in my late 20s, of course). She just laid there like a corpse, or someone roofied by a lacrosse player. My hand is a much more considerate and caring lover.

It may be silly, but I kinda feel like I owe it to all men to see this through. I mean, how often does any girl agree to be your fuck buddy on your terms? Of course, it will involve me getting liquored up each time since I don’t find her attractive, but I could manage. The bad news is that I know for a fact she likes me and wanted (probably still wants) me to be her boyfriend, an idea that I’ve shot down repeatedly but she still seems hangs on to, and having sex with her regularly probably isn’t going to dissuade her. It may make her like me more, which in turn will make her (more) clingy and possessive. Do you think should I do it?

If you think I should, I would love to hear and conditions you (and/or the kommentariat) think I should put in place.

Thanks again,
Robert B, a new man

Over the last couple years of writing this mailbag, I’ve seen a recurring opinion in the comments section where someone says, “If you took the time to just read what you wrote, you’d know the right answer.” And I feel that’s the case here. The intelligent, considerate part of you recognizes that this girl likes you so much and has so little self-esteem that she’ll give you no-strings sex on the minuscule chance that it tricks you into being her boyfriend. You recognize that this is a horrible idea, but your balls are like, “AWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH PUSSY!”

It’s incredibly difficult to make sensible decisions when you’re a young man. Your body is awash with hormones, and much of what you do is driven by what’s called your “lizard brain.” On Wikipedia — and, I presume, in credible medical journals — this part of your brain is called the amygdala. No need to click on that link and do any reading: all you need to know is that it’s a primitive nerve center that is hungry, scared, selfish, and horny. It really only cares about eating and fucking — not necessarily in that order.

And the lizard brain never goes away. My body isn’t as riddled with testosterone as it was when I hit puberty at age 23, but the horrible, primal urges are still there. I’m madly in love with and wholly devoted to my fiancee, but I still imagine doing filthy things with strangers because my lizard brain wants me to spread my seed around.

Long story short: getting laid is great, but getting laid from someone you like is a lot better. If this unattractive girl is so smitten with you, then there’s probably someone else — someone you’re actually attracted to — who’s also willing to get naked with you.

**********

Cap’n,
Fantasy: Any advice on convincing a league to go to a keeper system? My league has been going for about 5 years now, with a relatively stable group of members. Plenty of shit-talking, back room deals, and 40 response long email chains about how whether someone’s trade was illegal or just immoral – in short, exactly what a league should be. So why change a good thing? Keepers to me seem like a good added piece of strategy, plus something to keep up a bit of interaction in the off-season, since the members are spread across the country. Your thoughts?

Keeper leagues, like any crippling addiction, have to be introduced to users gradually. First of all, you have to introduce it a year out — you can’t just be like, “Okay, let’s do a keeper league and you get to keep two guys you drafted last year.” You have to be like, “Okay, in 2013 you get to keep one guy from Rounds 2 through 8, and one guy from Rounds 9 through 15.” I especially like that format for introducing a league to keepers for a couple reasons:

1. Because one keeper comes from the later rounds of the draft, people stay more engaged throughout the entirety of the draft than they otherwise would be.
2. By eliminating first-round draft picks (which don’t change too dramatically from year to year) from keeper contention, the first round of the draft still has the same amount of drama as non-keeper leagues.
3. Two keepers won’t completely shake things up. If people drag their feet, you can say, “Hey, let’s try it for a year, and if we don’t like it we’ll scrap it.” They’ll like it. Oh, they’ll like it real good.

Sex: I got out of a long-term thing back in August, and have been using the time since then taking your advice about bettering myself. I have lost some weight, met a bunch of new people, gotten my first real, adult job, and have all-around been just working on becoming a better person. One of those people I have met in the last few weeks is a woman who I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other at social events, spending a lot of time in groups of friends, but not getting a chance to hang out one on one yet. I was hoping to change that last night. We met up at one of our regular bars, (unfortunately) ran in to some friends of ours that happened to be there, and proceeded to be in yet another group for the remainder of the night.

When I was in the Marines, dickhead officers would always break out this alliterative tsk-tsk: “Piss-poor planning prevents proper performance.” Which is to say: maybe if you’d taken her to dinner or a movie instead of meeting at the same bar where you always hang out with your mutual friends, you wouldn’t have run into your mutual friends.

However, as part of that group setting, she and I talked for most of the night. I’d like to think I was charming, debonair, some other good adjective. Things seemed to be going well. At the end of the night I was planning on walking her back to her car and seeing if we could arrange more of a formal date. However, before we left the bar, she got a call from her step-mom. Her dad just died.

Drag.

Although she said they weren’t particularly close, that obviously ended the night. One of her friends came and picked her up at the bar and she left completely distraught. Obviously I am less concerned about whatever was between us than I am about her emotional well being at this point, but what is the point of anonymous internet advice if not to ask questions that may make us seem like assholes? What do I do in this situation to be there if she needs me, but not turn in to the friend that was there for her when her father died, who has no chance of being more than that?
Thanks,
Witty Nickname

I think you’re worrying about something that isn’t really a problem. You ever seen High Fidelity? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, because it deftly shows the development of “young guy acting like a jackass” to “man who commits to a woman he loves.” It also has Jack Black before Jack Black acting like Jack Black was annoying. But I’m getting sidetracked. More immediately relevant to you is that Laura’s dad dies, and she decides to have sex with Rob because “I want to feel something else than this. It’s either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.” And they go with sex, because Rob only has a few cigarettes left, and he’s saving them for later.

Of course, things don’t always work out like they do in the movies, so don’t expect to get laid in the car after the funeral. But this girl is either interested in you, or she isn’t. She’s not going to go from “I like that guy” to “I only like him as a friend because my dad died.” Women can be crazy, but I don’t think their feelings swing quite like that.

**********

Dear internet senseis,
Footbawl- Fuck normal fantasy football at this point. I won my first league thanks to the Randy Moss 23TD show and Kurt Warner reminding everyone he is good at football, but since then I have been competitive in most leagues, but I just has lost the passion.

Reminder: please read your emails before clicking “send.”

As a way to counter this, me and a couple of my friends

“a couple of my friends and I”

want to create a Fantasy League of Suck, so we can be rewarded for inept football. The question is I guess, does any of the normal websites have a way to edit their scoring so it’s a reverse scoring system almost? Or will we have to suck it up and actually make the program and then use some website to host it. Also is it safe to assume that Blaine Gabbert is the early #1 pick?

Why don’t you just keep everything the same, and the winner of the league is whoever has the worst record?

Sex… Ok lack there of: My teenage years have been one steaming pile of shit after the other, culminating in having to go to a residential program for a year to stop me from being crazy. Now, teenage girls clearly didn’t help me gain my sanity back, so I don’t have the best experience. But im all better now (with doctors notes and meds to boot!) and have actually gotten into a few decent colleges to go to in the fall so I realize I am the shit. However I graduated high school while in treatment and I never went to school where I live now, so I really don’t have many friends, and of those, less are wimmins.

Probably a good thing. That way you’re not known as “the guy who went crazy.”

Now I realize I am not going to find true love or some sappy shit like that before college, but I want to at least be able to have a conversation with a woman and not act like a level 7 dumbass in front of her. Any idea on how to meet wimins in a smallish town that are going to be close to my age (18) and not derps. I am open to any advice that you (and those asshat commenters you have, LOOKING AT YOU SMOC AND FEK) have on how to gain some sort of experience on how to meet and deal with females, so I don’t become that one guy who makes every conversation awkward.
Thanks,
Iodine, KSK Poll addict

I’ve tried to purge most of my memories of life before I went to college, but I DO remember meeting girls who didn’t go to my high school when I was a teenager. I had two methods for this: (1) I got a job, and (2) I went to concerts with an outgoing friend. Both of those things are worthwhile endeavors even if you DON’T meet girls, unless the concert you go to is Live’s Throwing Copper tour.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy– My main league does a live snake draft every year, which has been great, but we try to tweak the league a little bit each year to add some flair. This year I’m considering switching to a live auction– have you ever done a live auction before?

No.

I’ve done several online ones, but I’m a little concerned that doing it live could be a disaster, since a) copious amounts of alcohol are always consumed on draft night and b) we won’t have yahoo’s trusty server keeping track of everything for us. Any experience with a live auction and/or any tips on how to keep everything organized and running smoothly?

Why not do a live draft online? Everybody brings a laptop or iPad to someplace with wi-fi (preferably someone’s home, because you are gonna look like DORKS in public), and then you combine the camaraderie of doing it live with the ease of being online?

Sex– Yup, it’s a Valentine’s Day question. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve been dating a girl for about a month and a half and everything’s great so far, but I’m concerned about the Valentine’s Day protocol. We aren’t too serious yet– at this point we talk if not every day then close to it and see each other 2-3 times per week. I’m thinking just order a relatively basic flower arrangement and send it to her apartment. Not too grand a gesture, yet good and simple enough to let her know I like where we’re at. Sound good? Any other advice for this most ridiculous of holidays?
Much obliged,
MC

That sounds very nice. I suggest making her dinner, too. Doesn’t have to be anything too over the top fancy or romantic — the gesture alone should be enough to flatter her without setting the bar too high should you still be dating her next year.

**********

Dear Libido Liaisons,
Football: I’m in a pretty serious auction draft league with a $200 budget. I can keep 2 keepers. One no-brainer is to keep my $1 free agent pickup Cam Newton, the other is the question… The options are: Demarious Thomas for $1, DeMarco Murray for $1, Jordy Nelson for $1, Jamaal Charles for $56, or the one I’m leaning towards, Jimmy Graham for $1. Obviously Charles is coming off ACL surgery and has a high price-tag, so there’s 2 red-flags, DeMarco showed flashes of being great, but murdered his ankle, Jordy Nelson had a great year, but who the fuck knows with WR’s year to year, and Jimmy Graham was awesome — but he’s a TE. I guess I can eliminate Demarious Thomas, cuz ya know, he has Dickface throwing him the ball. What the fuck do I do?

Jimmy Graham. I shouldn’t need to spell this out, but when you have a guy who puts up receiver numbers at the tight end position, you have a distinct advantage over almost everyone else in the league. Over the last few years, only Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark, and Jason Witten put up reliably solid numbers from that position, and each had his shortcomings (Gates has his foot injury, Clark is worthless without Manning, Witten faded with a better WR corps). This year, it became apparent that Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham were light years better than anyone else at their position, and fuck me for not snagging one of these guys in a keeper league.

Sex: I am 26, but I look (and act) young. My girlfriend is 20. We’ve been dating since July. We have an awesome relationship (retarded right?). She’s not completely stupid like most 20 year olds, and all her friends love me. She loves anal, watching porn with me, shower sex, random blowies, road head, blowing it in her face, oiled-up massage sex, sex in bathrooms at parties, I DP her with her vibrator, spanking, dirty talk, sex at sporting events, Christ, we even snuck into an alley on her birthday and we fucked — ROMANCE! — shrimp soup, shrimp sandwich, coconut shrimp, you get the idea…

I actually got the idea after the first three or four explicit descriptions of depraved sex acts. Everything else made it sound like your girlfriend loves anal because your penis is so tiny.

So yeah, sex life is phenomenal. She “lets” me go on weekends with “the guys” and doesn’t complain, (I’ll try and stop using quotes, I swear) watch football all day, get drunk, I’ve even taught her the intricacies of gambling on sports. She asked me to “put $20 down on a 3-bet tease where the Pats win” — Yes, I’m a Patriots fan, but not an asshole –

Oh, I’m sure.

Like, whose girlfriend embraces their gambling? Like I said, all this shit is great, but honestly, I’m out of shit to do. We go to dinner (I always pay), we have lots of sex, I get her off multiple times, cuz she fucking deserves it, but I honestly don’t know how to keep this girl entertained without my penis inside her.

/rubs temples

/heavy sigh

Well, the comments section should be lively after this. You are either a master douchebag or an expert troll.

She’s said recently that we “don’t do anything” (fuck, sorry). We’re lame and watch our Netflix TV shows and Hulu and all that shit, but I can’t take this girl to any bars or clubs or anything of the like, because she’s not 21 yet. What in the fuck does a 26 year old guy do with his 20 year old girlfriend? We live in Boston (fuck me, right?) and there’s gotta be shit for a 20 year old to do right? RIGHT?? I’m out of ideas, how do I entertain this girl with shit that I might possibly want to do too?

-Lucky Asshole

p.s. I’m not fucking rich.

Get her a donkey. Seems like she might be up for it.

Seriously, though, Boston gets a bad rap because its sports fans are such notorious assholes, but the city itself is fantastic. I was going to write up a list of all the cool things you can do in Boston — I was there in October and went for a great bike ride on the Charles — but then you had to go and send this follow-up email:

I might have to go to an aquarium on Saturday if you don’t help me out — please god, no aquarium…

And that’s when it became clear that you DON’T want ideas for things to do in Boston. You wanted to brag about all the filthy sex you have with your girlfriend, and then complain that you can’t take her to bars because she’s 20. So fuck you. Aquariums are awesome.

O AN HE SEXY

You know, I get cutting off the sleeves of a sweatshirt to free your wrists from the constraints of elastic, but cutoff sweatpants? C’mon Bill, you’re just trolling us now. Athletic shorts exist, and they are comfortable, and they are available from NFL-approved clothing sponsor Reebok. You needn’t show us so much thigh…

…but we’re glad you did anyway! GRRRR 2 HOTT 4 INDY! Sexy Friday be ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL with MILF-hunting football acumen. Your move, Coughlin.

It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!

This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”

Let’s get to your questions.

Dear Purveyors of Poonage,
I just got out of a 3 year relationship a month ago. I was the one who ended it, and I had already begun the Captain’s recommended program for getting over and out of a relationship. So, on that front, I’m doing great. Now, during my time leading up to the breakup, I met a really nice, attractive bartender at a watering hole here in New Orleans. Well, after the break up, my friends were buying me shots and telling her I was single. She, too, had become single recently and joined in on our festivities. After a few weeks of generally positive signals, I got up the courage to ask her for her number. To my surprise, she was all about giving me the number and promised to go out the following night.

Fast forward to the next night, she doesn’t come out because she’s sick.

I do believe you could use some quotes around that “sick.”

However, the whole time I’m out, she’s texting me in increasingly open sexual language.

I mean, who hasn’t been riddled with fever but totally horny? There’s an entire song about it.

So I think to myself, this is wonderful, this should be a no brainer. We make plans via text to hang out on Sunday after her nephew’s bday party. I texted her Sunday afternoon and asked if she still wanted to hang out afterwards and received no reply. So, if we’re keeping count, that’s twice I’ve been sold out. This woman has got me completely confused as to what the hell she wants. Is this a case of just leave it alone and don’t give her attention to pull her back in? Or should I just say fuck it and move along to the next willing recipient? Appreciate your feedback.
Signed,
Single and Salivating

It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on in your barmaid’s head. Some women are flighty as shit. Some people like to play head games. Some people make multiple sets of plans with multiple people and then cherry-pick who they like best.

Years back, I chased a woman who behaved similarly, and it was maddening. I would wait through the cancellations and reschedulings to get dates with her, and I still didn’t know how things were going to go: a great dinner could be followed by a peck goodnight or a night of sex, and I never knew which it was going to be. She was great-looking and I really enjoyed spending what little time I could manage with her (or rather: what time she could manage for me), but I never had any idea where I stood with her because her words never quite matched her actions.

Since you’re single, there’s no point in writing this girl off — it is ALWAYS beneficial to be in good with an attractive bartender — but I think you’re best off recalibrating your expectations to zero. Stay friendly with her, tease her about blowing you off, and if she suggests going out sometime, say, “Cool, but I’m going to make some back-up plans just in case.” If you vocally doubt her sincerity in wanting to see you, she’s going to want to prove you wrong to keep you on the hook. As long as you don’t have any expectations from her, you can’t be disappointed.

**********

Dear El Captain Fantactico,
This is a Valentine’s Day related question. Me and my girl

My girl and I

have been going out for a while and we’ve pretty much done all the relationship type things. I am going to refrain from being blunt, because I believe a true gentlemen doesn’t kiss and tell. Anyway my girl has never watched people bump uglies on the interwebs or on T.V. she seems interested though. How should I approach this?

I respect your sense of propriety. “As a true gentlemen, I shan’t ever disclose details of my romantic affairs in an anonymous forum! Now then: how might I introduce my lady companion to pornography?”

I don’t want to scare her off with the stuff I like, I highly doubt straight girls like girl on girl. Plus women being women like emotional sappy story line crap (basically all the stuff we fast forward through). How should I attack it: watch a classic, basic soft stuff, or my preferred route the porn parody (I bought the 30 Rock one FWIW)?
Gracias,
Newton LeRoy Jenkins

So your big idea for Valentine’s Day is to get your girlfriend to watch porn with you, huh? Well, that’s it, then. Mark your calendar: February 2nd, 2012. The day I no longer remembered what it was like to be young.

The way to sell your woman on something YOU want to do in bed is to ask about what turns HER on. With some careful guidance, you can steer the conversation to YOUR turn-ons, and then you carefully say how hot you think it would be if she watched some porn with you. If she seems open to it, you can ask her what she thinks she might like (and if she doesn’t know, then yeah, something with a semblance of a plot like the 30 Rock spoof would be a good call). If she’s not down for it, then you apologize and say, “Oh, that’s cool, I don’t even watch porn.”

**********

Dear KSK,
Football: Why would I want to join a fantasy league? Everything I read makes it sound like loathing heaped upon sadness and OCD.

Yeah! And why do people go to Vegas?!? People just kill brain cells and lose money there. It doesn’t sound like any fun at all.

Wedding: I’ve been picked to emcee a friend’s wedding this summer. I have stories to tell, but where’s the line? There’s expectations, and then there’s practicality and acknowledging that I’m getting a free meal and drinks.
Thanks,
Roald

An emcee? Are they not hiring a DJ or a band with a singer? I mean, it’s a wedding, not a variety show.

Regarding your stories: funny is good, sincere is better, brief is best. A wedding should be about the bride and groom, not some asshole with a microphone.

**********

Caveman,
Keeper question: PPR league, who do you keep, Maclin or Mathews? I’m leaning towards Mathews, he stayed remarkably healthy this year, while Maclin was hampered with injuries, but I’m not sure if that trend will continue. Plus he has that fatass Tolbert vulturing TD’s. I defer to your expertise.

You could argue either way, especially if ol’ Deshithead departs in free agency and increases Maclin’s prospective value. I’d still lean towards Mathews, though — I see him continuing to improve into his third year.

Relationship Question: Not about me but a close friend of mine (let’s call him Doug). Doug’s been dating a girl for 1.5 yrs and they decided to move in together last August. Things were going Ok I guess but when they went to their respective home towns over Christmas break, she was hanging out with her ex and acting sketchy towards Doug (not returning texts, being evasive, etc). When they both got back, she said she thought they needed a break. Doug was pissed off and assumed she hooked up with her ex (she denied this). He essentially said, “OK, let’s take a break, do w/e the fuck you want and I’ll do what I want”. She decided to go to a wedding as the date of her ex. Doug was understandably pissed off again and broke it off completely with her. He is now seeing another girl, and he and his now ex-girlfriend are not on speaking terms. They share a one bedroom apt, both are on the lease (until August 2012), and neither can afford to move out and pay double rent somewhere else.

He’s totally fucked isn’t he?

Yup.

Is there any way out of this shitty, shitty situation? I tried to give him advice (sublets, etc), but it basically boiled down to “Sorry man, you’re screwed. That sucks.”

The lesson, as always, is never love anybody.
-Dingus

INCORRECT! Love as often and as deeply as you can. The lesson should be “don’t move in with your significant other unless you’re both 98% certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together.”

**********

CC,
Fantasy first: In my first time doing an auction draft I drafted an awesome team only to lose in the championship only because Tony Romo’s hand got acquainted with Jason Babin’s helmet in week 16. No question. I’m just still bitching to anyone who will listen.

Sorry, what? I was watching TV.

Sex: I’m a junior in college and at a party last night I had an almost identical situation happen to me as what happened to Alex, the sender of the last question in the Valentine’s Day mailbag from Jan. 19. Only in my situation, I was fairly drunk and this very attractive girl was drunk as was to a slightly lesser extent. I got her to come back to my room and sit down on my couch, but then she said she doesn’t hook up with random guys. She will only hook up with them if they take her on a couple of dates. I don’t remember the specifics of our conversation but we talked for another hour or so before I walked her home and got her number. Should I even waste my time taking this girl out if she didn’t oppose the idea of it when I drunkenly promised I would? Or do you think she was just trying to get me to not come on to her? (which is entirely plausible, but she did continue to talk to me for an hour)
-Josh

Bad news, bro: some women aren’t sluts. Ugh, I know. I know. Don’t they understand that we just want to drunkenly use their bodies like a playground, go to sleep, and maybe wake up to a sandwich? Why can’t they just be cool like that?

Alas, many women prefer to get to know a guy and feel a deeper connection with him before extracting semen from his body. Depending on who you’re asking, these women are either “prudes” or have “self-respect.” (I usually feel it’s the latter, unless I have a boner.)

If you like her, take her on a date. If you’re just a drunk college kid looking to stick your dick into warm orifices, go hit another party.

I’ve watched tennis and NBA basketball today: if these aren’t dire straits, then I don’t know what is. In that light, the Pro Bowl is a welcome, albeit neutered, version of NFL football. We malign the Pro Bowl, and rightly so, but it’s better than in years past: at least it’s a pointless distraction the week before the Super Bowl, rather than after.

Of course, there will be no Giants or Patriots in tonight’s game, which may benefit the NFC slightly more: Ben Roethlisberger will start at QB for the AFC, and the depth chart quickly gets thin after that. The NFC, of course, won’t miss Eli Manning, as Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Cam Newton will share snaps behind center. That’s about as much analysis as I can force myself to muster. Meh.

So anyway, if you’re a die-hard glutton for even a tufurkey version of an NFL game, this is the thread for you. Use our new commenting system to let everyone know how much you hate Chris Berman’s Hawaiian shirt.

As you’ve seen or heard by now, the Indy Star had a lengthy interview with Peyrton Manning earlier this week in which Ol’ Battleship wasn’t exactly optimistic about his future with the Colts. None of it was particularly inflammatory, but owner Jim Irsay called Manning a “politician” and wished that he’d kept his feelings “in the family.” Just when it looked like the wheels might come off, the Colts today released a joint statement from Irsay and Manning, who say that they have a “great relationship” — at least until March, when Manning’s $28 million option bonus is due.

And so, with the inevitable break-up looming, this Friday’s musical selection goes out to Andrew Luck. Don’t worry, Pey-Pey, it’s cool for a guy to sing it:

Hi folks. I’m sick as hell this week, so the answers will be a bit more abrupt than usual. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a side effect of not being able to breathe through my nose, all of my muscles hurting, and my head feeling like it weighs 30 pounds. Let’s just guzzle some more Emergen-C and power through this.

Captain Caveman,
I recently started working with what I presume to be my dream girl. We went to a happy hour and hit it off. I asked her out to dinner, and we had a great time. When I was dropping her off in front of her door and about to make a move, her brother came down and kind of dispelled any chance I had for the night. I guess the problem started when I was moved right next to her in the office.

Wait, why was her brother there when you dropped her off? Does she still live at home? Was her brother visiting? Does he live with her? And why is the thing about the office part of this paragraph? What’s happening? Did my fever write your email?

We were constantly together all the time, it was kind of like being forced into a serious relationship by the office. During our date, we made plans to go out on another, so I asked her out again. Not sure what happened, but it eventually came down to her telling me, “Because we sit so close to each other it might ruin our work environment (or some shit like that). What I got from it? It’s not gonna work out. And I totally took the steps necessary to blow her off. Problem is, she asked me when we were going to go out on the date that I had mentioned before. Whatever.

I went out with her, and again, we hit it off.

She told you nothing was going to happen because you work next to each other, then she asked when you were going out again? I need more aspirin.

I believe that I am about to get friend-zoned, which tell you the truth, I have no use for. Once you’re in the friend-zone, you are just an emotional crutch until the girl has a boyfriend. I have enough girl friends that will blow me off once they get boyfriends so I don’t really see the point in actually trying to feign a friendship with a girl that I have romantic feelings for.

I guess my questions are: Should I cut my losses and avoid this girl?

Yes.

Should I pursue her anyway?

No.

Should I try the friend route and see what happens?

That’s a stupid question and you know it.

I am serious when I say that she is my dream girl. That is probably the only reason I am wrestling with these feelings. Bitches be actin cray.
Thanks,
Ball So Hard University Grad.

Dream girl, huh? Is “flighty nitwit” part of your feminine ideal? If you want her so bad, the best thing you can do is blow her off. Don’t initiate any contact with her, and repeatedly tell her that you’re “just really busy right now” when she tries to talk to you. This will make her feel unwanted, which will make her want to win you back. By the time that happens, you’ll have the choice of blowing her off for good or breaking past that mysterious guard-brother she has at home.

If all of this sounds like a dick-ish head game to play, well, yeah, it kind of is. But she initiated this nonsense with her mixed messages, so to hell with her. This is how people who aren’t genuine deserve to be treated.

(Oh, also: don’t sleep with co-workers.)

**********

Dear Mr. Caveman,
I know that it is a horrible idea to date someone that you work with, but my situation is kind of wacky and I would greatly appreciate your advice.

I am currently working for an Americorps program that is stationed in the woods of Central New England. My 28 fellow interns and I will be living in a state park for the next 10 months where we will be teaching in the local school system for 5 months and rebuilding trails for the other 5.

That sounds pretty cool.  Plus, it hits the Trifecta of Evil according to staunch Republicans: education, conservation, and a government-funded program.

/PolFlaWa

We will be doing everything from eating, to cleaning, to creating lesson plans together. These people will basically be my family for the next year. Our cabins are heated by wood burning stoves and don’t have running water or electric lights. However, the dining/community living area is heated with a furnace and has electricity and running water. The male to female ratio is approximately 1:1 and there are no rules against hooking up with each other.

That’s gonna be a long fucking winter, but it otherwise sounds pleasantly rugged, so long as there aren’t too many assholes.

I’m not sure if I lucked out or what, but I expected the female population at this camp to consist of ugly lesbians, unshaven hippies, and other unkempt women. However, when I arrived I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a beautiful, tall, skinny, blonde girl who is also smart and on the same page about most things as me.

What should I do? This is basically it for my relationship pool at the moment. However, I’m going to be living in extremely close quarters with these folks for the next 10 months and people are bound to get jealous/angry/annoyed with one another. I don’t know if I want to complicate that even more by adding any sort of physical relationship to that equation.

You’re young and idealistic and horny. The first time booze and weed get passed around, people are gonna end up fucking. Might as well be you and the hot blonde girl.

Also, if I end up trying to get closer with this girl, all of my flirting experience has been with texting.

Holy shit, you’re one of the young people that Louis C.K. is always talking about in his act!

I mean, it has to be said that Americorps is way better than being a barista, but still: put the phone away and LOOK at people more often. That goes for everybody reading this. (And yeah, for me too.)

This isn’t really that big of a deal but it’s definitely a road block to my final destination (depending on what I decide to do).

Thanks for your help.
— It’s Cold Out Here

I wouldn’t rush into anything, but I wouldn’t write anything off, either. Just enjoy making friends and doing good work. If you happen to get laid and/or fall in love and/or get your heart ripped out, well, that’s life and these things happen. Enjoy everything to the fullest, even your mistakes.

**********

Dear Sage of the Internet,
Football: I have to choose a keeper for next year. I’m undecided between Forte and Megatron. I’m a hopeless homer and will probably keep Forte but any advice you have would be appreciated. Finished 5th for 3 years in a row. It’s like I’m one of the not-so ugly chicks at the bar at closing time.

Forte was incredible this year up until his injury (especially if you had a PPR league) — and that’s precisely why I’d go with Calvin Johnson. Your choices are a great fantasy back with some injuries and an inconsistent streak, or the no-doubt #1 fantasy receiver in the game who never gets hurt because he’s bigger than everyone trying to tackle him and who still catches touchdown passes even when his quarterback gets hurt.

Sex/Advice:
If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to give some advice of my own. I’m in the Navy (yeah, effin’ squid) and I spent a lot of time away from home. I was married to wonderful woman for over ten years. She put up with the military life because she loved me, I loved her and we have three beautiful children that are the reason I have for living. I never noticed how much I didn’t do. If that makes sense. She did everything, worked, bills, kids, house, pets. She took care of all of it while I was away and I got used to it. I wouldn’t do squat around the house when I was home because I figured she would take care of it. I never strayed, nobody ever measured up to her. But I did take her for granted. She did ask me to do more around the house when I was home, asked me to help with the shopping and whatnot but I was too busy or too lazy.

She left me. Not for another guy, not because she hates me. But because I didn’t do anything to make her life easier. There is nothing I regret more than not telling her how much I appreciate her, how much she means to me, how much having her in my life makes me happy. You’ve said many times that you can’t make somebody love you. But you can make someone fall out of love with you. If you’re reading this and are lucky enough to have someone you love in your life, please take twenty minutes out of your week and let them know it. Do the friggin’ dishes now and then. I know it’s not the end of the world for me, sure does feel like it though. My kids are number one, I’ll always have them. I know I’ll move on eventually, but I know I will never find someone like her again. Life doesn’t let you get that lucky. Get off the computer and give your significant other a hug, right now. Tell that person how much they mean to you. Hold them like you never want to let them go.
– Heart torn like an ACL.

That was super-depressing, but thank you. You make a very good point.

**********

Cap’n-
Girlfriend broke up with me somewhat unexpectedly. She’s going through a lot (insane grad program and sick family member), and said she feels guilty, like there’s no room or emotion left for a relationship. We are very much in love, and she swears this was the only reason for the breakup. For what it’s worth, I believe her. She said she still wants to talk, and while normally in a breakup that’s a terrible idea, I want to see her, talk to her, and be there for her. I know this makes it sound like we’ll get back together, but I don’t want to get wrapped up in that line of thinking. How should I handle this? I’m thinking the “keep my distance, take care of myself, but be available for her” is the play, but welcome dissenting opinions.

No, fuck that. Keep your distance and take care of yourself, that’s it. Tie that “be available for her” caveat to a cement block and drop it into the nearest body of water that can be seen from space.

Relationships do NOT work that way. You don’t love someone and share their bed and get emotionally attached to them, then say, “I don’t have room for you in my life, except for conversations where you offer me emotional support.” I don’t care how busy your life is or which family member’s on life support: it’s a selfish thing to ask.

When a girl breaks up with a guy, she wants to “stay friends” for at least one or both of these reasons:

1. It keeps you close and emotionally involved. This pays off in attention, which makes her feel desirable and wanted. It’s also a nice fail-safe in case she changes her mind and wants you again — she can always turn to what’s on the back burner.
2. It makes her feel better about herself. When a relationship ends, everyone’s feelings get hurt. Sure, the rejection of getting dumped is the worse side to be on, but the dump-er feels guilt for hurting someone’s feelings. If you stay friends, then she doesn’t have to face the pain she caused you! HOORAY! She doesn’t have to feel guilty!

This is your dissenting opinion: she can have your full love and support through her difficult time, or she can have none of it. Do NOT be her emotional crutch — she’ll only discard you when she can walk again.

Fantasy: Uh, not really my main focus here (scary that I view this site as therapy first, football second), but what are your views on fantasy during the playoffs? I’m in a league for the first time this year, and after winning my regular season league, my horrible showing is tarnishing my glory.
-Bannister Jones

I’m not enamored with those playoff fantasy challenges, but I suppose they’re a decent form of methadone if you’re jonesing hard enough. And don’t sweat losing ‘em — there’s no tarnishing a league championship. That’s yours to enjoy the rest of your life.

***********

Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: My crappy team was completely torpedoed by Purple Jesus’s ankle injury. For next year, any good ideas for late round sleeper picks? Think Daniel Thomas will break out?

I liked what I saw from Thomas when he was healthy and playing, but I’m troubled by two things: (1) new coach, and (2) the emergence, finally, of Reggie Bush. Now, I’m not so foolish to think that Bush will stay healthy for a full season, but until we see how training camps go, I’d think of Thomas as more of a handcuff than a sleeper.

As for other sleepers, I’m tired and sick and don’t feel like looking up names and crunching numbers. Ask me again in August.

Sex: I casually dated my roommate for roughly three months. We started as friends, and drunkenly hooked up.

Oh, savvy move! I bet this story turns out great with everyone really happy!

We live a large house with 6 other people. We were exclusive, spent tons of time together but we never really defined the relationship because she was coming off a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow for a while. She never pushed to make it official but I could tell that she was way more into the relationship then I and I didn’t see a long term future so I broke it off. We had a couple other minor problems but that comes with dating someone. She felt the split was premature and that I could maybe feel differently with more time. Isn’t liking someone the one thing in a relationship that you shouldn’t have to work on?

I have a hard time arguing against that.

Is my reason for breaking up with her legitimate? I feel it is but I have never really broken up with anyone before. This question sounds stupid to me but she isn’t really accepting it as a legitimate reason.

Here’s you a couple seconds ago: “I didn’t see a long term future.” I’ve always been of the mindset that as soon as you know you definitely don’t want to marry a girl you’re dating, you break up with her. Unless she was, like, crazy hot in bed. Then the bad news could wait a little bit.

Secondly, she is really broken up about it. Any tips for being the good friend of someone that you just broke up with?

Yes. Don’t live in the same house that she lives in.

Is there any way to “be there” for someone you just dumped?

No. You “being there” for her is just going to be her crying while she asks you the same questions (“But WHY?”) over and over again until you either storm out or give up and fuck her, thus compounding all the problems you’re dealing with at the moment.

Any chance I can ever date anyone else as long as I live with her?
Thanks,
-Keeping it in house

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sure, as long as the new girl never sets foot in your house. No problem at all.

**********

El Capitan,
Fantasy: Because everyone (no one) cares about leagues other than their own. I won the Super Bowl in one league, finished out of the money in another. Hey thanks a lot DeSean Jackson for such a fine contract year performance, and a special thank you to a buggy live auction site that didn’t acknowledge my +1 bid on Calvin Johnson with 5 seconds left on the timer and let him go to the eventual league winner at $15 below expected price.

“I have no question.”

Sex: I have a wedding question that, considering your upcoming nuptials, might be of interest. A cousin of mine is getting married this summer and my wife and I will be invited to the wedding. We live 500 miles away and have two grade school aged children. I recently received an e-mail stating that the bride and groom have decided to make the ceremony and reception adults and high school aged children only. The parents of the groom have offered to have our kids stay at their house with a babysitter. Etiquette-wise this is all well and good but my question is whether I should now graciously decline the invitation.

The wife and I would be taking a day off work, the boys would both miss a little league game, and we would be driving 12 hours for the wedding only to leave the kids with a babysitter we don’t know in order to go to the ceremony and reception. Now obviously the wedding is all about the bride and groom and making their day special

Correct. Let’s remember that as we move forward.

and I would not presume to ask that they make exceptions for our kids. However, I’m not sure that we can, in good conscience, take the boys on a long drive and then tell them to stay with a stranger for 6 hours while we go to party town.

We have a very good relationship with this side of the family and though they would be disappointed, I’m pretty sure they would understand and there would be no lingering hard feelings. That being said I’m a little pissed off about this “no children” development. I was never a kid friendly person but always managed to put on a happy face and made nice in family get-togethers where kids were sure to be around. I’m thinking they are being a bit selfish and not considering the practical situations of many relatives that will be put in a similar spot.
-My kids are awesome, yours suck.

Hell yeah they’re being selfish. It’s their wedding. They’re entitled to do it however they want, and if you don’t like it, then you just stay home and be offended that they didn’t consider what’s practical for you. But I’ll tell you one thing: I bet that wedding’s going to kick ass, and people are going to have a great time whether or not you’re there. No one’s gonna be like, “Oh no, MKAAYS and his wife couldn’t make it because it was a hassle for them. If ONLY the bride and groom hadn’t made this wedding so awesome by not allowing any children!”

Your kids are probably great, but let’s get the prevailing opinion out in the open: fuck your stupid kids. Kids are shitty wedding guests. They’re prone to squirming and talking during the ceremony. They’re terrible at dancing. They pick at the food and whine that they want pizza. They don’t drink, but they cost full price toward the head count. Every child at a wedding represents an ACTUAL, MEANINGFUL FRIEND of the bride and groom who wasn’t invited. So, speaking on behalf of the couple getting married, fuck you for thinking your kids somehow have priority over your cousin’s lifelong friends..

Did you ever consider that a wedding without children would be more enjoyable for everyone there — including you? Maybe your cousin wants to be able to dance the night away with you and your wife without one of you disappearing early to tuck the kids into bed. Maybe you can call in a favor to your wife’s parents and have them watch the kids while you enjoy a fun weekend with your wife. Maybe you could graciously accept the six hours of free babysitting instead of bitching about it. Maybe fuck yourself.

Whatever the case, as you said, it’s all about making the bride and groom’s day special, and your kids aren’t part of that.

KSK reader Rachel sent in this photo of her brother Sam, who I would guess is pulling for the Giants in the Super Bowl. The beard facemask is a bit much, though. A simple chinstrap beard is the most effective way of telling people you’re a Giants fan.

It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.

That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.

Let’s get to your emails.

Dear dicky dicks,
My penis says SEX first: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. Recently, I came to a startling realization: we don’t have sex anymore!

What a shocking and unique revelation. I love that we break new ground in the mailbag every week.

That’s not entirely true, so let me explain myself. My girlfriend was a virgin when we started dating. Post cherry-popping coitus, it was like she had been liberated. We would fuck often, including in some public spots.

Young people having sex in public? Well I never! Good thing my monocle is affixed to a chain, else it would have been lost in the bear skin rug on which I stand.

We’ve never had shitloads of sex because I live with a roommate, and she doesn’t like to have sex with me when he’s home. I know that doesn’t make sense considering I just said we used to do it in public. I guess the people that might happen on us in public are complete strangers, but my roommate she actually knows so she’s more self-conscious? Idk.

Anyway, she also still lives with her parents,

Sweet.

so we rarely have sex at her place. We’re both in our early 20s going to school at a local university. Long story short, we used to have sex at least once a week, and she used to WANT IT. She’d take charge and jump my bones. Now, we’re down to about once a month, and we only fuck when I ask for it. The passion just isn’t the same.

I confronted her about this, and she copped to being busy and neglectful, and that she’d make an effort to have more sex. That’s great and all, but now I feel like she’s only having sex to satisfy me and not because she wants to.

I asked if she wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore (my first guess), or if she was seeing someone else (my second guess), and she denied both. So, now I ask you. What gives? I’ve been conditioned to believe that two young people in their 20s should fuck like porn stars constantly, but is the sex just fading because of how long we’ve been together? I’ve never been in a relationship even remotely close to this one in length of time. If the sex is already dying out now, where the fuck will it be if we ever get married?!

Hold on, let me ask my dismissive wanking GIF.

Predictably, dismissive wanking GIF has nothing to offer besides dismissive wanking. But let’s break that down piece by piece. On the notion of you getting married to this girl:

On getting married to the person you lose your virginity to:

On talking about sex in FOURTEEN different sentences, but never once writing the word “love” regarding a three-year relationship:

I mean, do I even have to explain how breaking up works? You and your girlfriend both need out of that relationship. Especially her.

FOOTBALL: One and done in the playoffs–fuck you very much, Percy Harvin–left me with the 9th pick in my 12-team league. WTF DO YOU DO WITH THAT SHIT?! All the good RBs will be gone, and probably Brees and Rodgers, too. I’m going to have to go WR in the first, aren’t I? I hate doing that shit.
Love Sometimes And Only When You Ask For It,
Sexless in South Texas

Ease up on the all-caps drama, it’s the ninth pick in a fantasy football draft. Brees will still be available, as will Tom Brady, though I’m not sure if I’d go for those dudes with the ninth pick. I’d take Calvin Johnson at 9 without a second thought, though.

**********

Dear Captain,
First, not much fantasy. I invested in the Matt Schaub-to-Andre Johnson connection, and rightfully got burned for making such a dumbass mistake.

That’s not a dumbass mistake. You invested in two good players who got injured. It happens.

Inexplicably though, I managed to make our 6 (out of 12) playoff with a 5-8 record on a 4-way tiebreaker. I am the Seahawks of our fantasy league.

BEST LOSING TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!

Second, sex. I just broke up with my boyfriend (I’m gay) of 4 1/2 years this week. It sucks and I’m still hurting over it, but it had to happen. I’m taking some time to clear my head, and am already doing some of the stuff you recommend (gym, going out with friends, etc), but it’s dawning on me that I don’t know “how” to be single.

That’s such a confounding thing to not know. There are no instructions. You just do what you want to do.

(Side note: I was so perplexed that I Googled “how to be single”, but the results weren’t very helpful, so I Googled “how to be single and gay”. Good news: there’s a book! Bad news: the person you’re seeking advice from Googled “how to be single.”)

I was with this person since I was 21 and was so terribly aloof when I was younger that I didn’t really have any other serious relationships. I’ve only had one sexual partner. I don’t know how to make a pass at someone, and am too much of an oblivious dumbass to pick up on when someone is making a pass at me.

Not possible. Gay men are not subtle about their passes. Or rather: straight men are not generally friendly to other men they don’t know. It’s so unusual for a straight guy to meet a stranger and have a friendly conversation that when it DOES happen, one of the guys inevitably says something like, “Hey man, I don’t want this to sound gay, but it was cool hanging out.”

While my boyfriend liked my personality, my body, and our sex life, I have zero clue if he was just an anomaly and I’m actually off-putting and bad in bed.

UGH STOP BEING AN INSECURE GIRL

At some point, I’ll have to go back out into the sea and start over if I’m going to move on, but I’m in my mid-twenties and just feel like I’m behind the 8-ball.

Yes, as a gay man in your mid-20s, there’s so much pressure to get married and have babies before your ovaries dry up. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Any tips on how to learn – fast – on not being the awkward and inexperienced single guy? My fear is turning into “that guy.” It also doesn’t help that I’m in grad school in the South and the gay dating scene here is…limited, to say the least. I don’t need to be a swingin’ single, just how to get back into the damn pool without water wings. At least my partner and I were long-distance so I won’t have to worry about running into him. I know you normally deal with the breeders, but I figured your advice would be applicable for my kind as well.

Thanks, 26-year-old-kinda-virgin

Online dating. It gives you the protective layer of the Internet, then when you go on dates you can say preposterous things like “I’m doing online dating because I don’t know how to be single.” You can get laid a couple of times and get a better idea of what you like and don’t like in a sexual partner. Who knows, you might even meet the next Mr. Right.

**********

CC,
First, I know it’s about nine months away, but I think your Seahawks will be an excellent NFC West bet next year. The 49ers are primed for a little regression.

That’s kind of you, but a foolish notion until Seattle fixes its quarterback problem.

Moving on: I’ve been single throughout college — gotten enough through random drunk hookups to maintain hope another one will come, though not nearly enough to avoid complaining bitterly. I recently had a rather disappointing experience at a party — I settled on a girl I wanted and actually managed to get her attention and talk to her for at least an hour. The conversation was a little flirty, but not anything extreme, and when the party was wrapping up, she politely rebuffed my not-that-subtle attempt to get her to leave with me. I spent the last few days second-guessing my conversation, whether there’s anything else I could have said. But we were talking, just the two of us, for over an hour. Given that much time, in general (obviously every situation’s a little different, and I know you weren’t there), is it more likely that she just found me interesting to talk to, non-sexually, or could I have actually done anything else to woo her? She had me there for an hour; if she wanted me, she would’ve let me know, right?
I’m sorry there’s no actual sex here,
Alex

She’s not attracted to you. There’s nothing you could have said that would change that, unless you subscribe to that whole negging/seduction science thing. My old roommate once lent me Neal Strauss’s The Game, and I couldn’t finish it. Whatever insight into the world of female psychology it offered was negated by jackasses treating people like shit.

Anyhoo, that’s it. Three emails were all I got this week, and I’m happy to work less. However, I realize that some of you are going to be disappointed, so here’s a sexy bonus:

Holy cow that ass is ON A SWIVEL.

(via Viral Viral Videos and Jimmy Traina’s twitter).

INEVITABLE BUT MILDLY ENTERTAINING: NMA offers its take on the Colts firing Jim Caldwell and Rob Lowe tweeting about Peyton Manning’s retirement. Little-known fact: Manning’s neck injury was the result of a lightning strike.

FLIPPING OUT. Dust off your five-year-old “Bengals are criminals jokes”: Jerome Simpson has reportedly been indicted for trafficking marijuana. That’s a Class D felony, 1-5 years in the clink, and the sternest possible frown from Roger Goodell.

LOL BIDEN: Joe Biden told a bunch of 49ers fans that the Giants were going to the Super Bowl, because the San Francisco Giants are a team that exists. Let Obama handle the sports stuff, big guy.

AND MEDIOCRE SKATEBOARD RIDER, TOO. A Ravens fan complained to the organization that Joe Flacco was riding a skateboard. You’re doing it wrong, Joe. Champions ride scooters.

It’s hard to discern precisely why Jim Caldwell’s firing makes me happy. I hate the Colts, after all, and I found it endlessly amusing to watch a man hired to stay out of Peyton Manning’s way suddenly thrust into the role of helming a team without Peyton Manning. His passive observation of the Colts’ unbridled awfulness will remain one of my favorite visuals of the 2011 season; the Colts may as well have been coached by a large toadstool or an ottoman.

So why enjoy his dismissal? It’s a relief to sane observers of the NFL — a welcome affirmation that an organization worth hundreds of millions of dollars is perhaps not captained by blind inbreds, as we’d begun to suspect with every passing day that Caldwell kept his job. There’s a recession, after all, and we’re capitalists: we’re happy that Jim Caldwell is fired because he DESERVED to be fired. Love or hate the Colts, the job should go to a productive member of society. (I say that now, but I actually hope the Colts hire someone equally terrible.)