We had some great questions submitted after lunch today, and that’s too bad, because the bulk of the mailbag is always written the night before. Wednesday, people. That’s the best time to submit questions.

Now, on to the mailbag! Some compelling stuff this week, including HPV, the trade deadline, the Nuva Ring, my dong, shrooms, Chad Henne, Rod Tidwell, veterans in college, high school handjobs, and MILFS! MILFS! MILFS!

Hi,
Long time (female) reader, first time writer. So, I went for an annual exam a few weeks ago and tested positive for HPV. Apparently, something like 75% of sexually active adults will contract it at some point in their lives. A few more facts: Most people will shed the virus within 6 months or a year and never suffer any ill effects. You don’t have to have sex to spread the virus. Condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping transmission. Guys can’t even be tested for it; the only way to know is if genital warts appear.

Some more facts: condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping anything, but you should still use them. Oh, and the strains of HPV that aren’t harmless cause cervical cancer. Cancer kills people.

Now there’s a guy in the picture and I want to know whether the Gay Mafia thinks he needs to be told. We used to live in the same area (but have stayed in touch since moving); now we’re about six hours apart. We’ve never had sex, but have been intimate otherwise. In fact, odds are that I picked this up from him, or I’ve already exposed him to it. He’s planning to visit soon and I’m unsure what to do. I really care about this guy and want to do the right thing: should I tell him the whole situation or keep my mouth shut? If I tell him, I’d prefer to do so in person, but would he rather know before he drives 350 miles to see me? So many questions!
Thanks,
Confused

Guhhhh. Don’t you at least have an easy fantasy football question?

You’re right that HPV is widespread and usually harmless. And frankly, he’s likely never going to know if he has it — unless you share a warty strain with him, in which case: you’re the girl that gave him genital warts. Not the best way to ingratiate yourself to someone you care about.

As usual, I think honesty is the best policy. Tell him about your annual check-up, and let him know that there’s a good chance that he gave it to you/you shared it with him already because you’ve only had X number of sexual partners since your last check-up, where X is the smallest believable number you can get away with. The good news is that this conversation is best held in person, so wear a low-cut top while breaking the news and you’ll be breaking out the condoms for a weekend of safe sex in no time.

Dear KSK,
My girlfriend uses the Nuva Ring for birth control, and it’s fantastic–it’s just as effective as the pill but she doesn’t have to remember to take it every day, and I don’t have to wear a condom. Awesome. And 99% of the time, you never know the thing is in there. However, once in a while when we have sex that’s a little more frisky than the usual, I will wind up with the Nuva Ring around my cock at the end. I find this hilarious and like to pretend I just won a ring-toss game at the fair. No real question, just wondering if yourself or any of the commenters have had any similar experiences with the Nuva Ring. Thanks.
-Ringer

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the Nuva Ring. A few years back I got my then-girlfriend pregnant while she was on it, and more recently I dislodged one during sex, leading to a lost Nuva Ring that knocked my girl’s cycle out of whack and forced an unscheduled trip to the gynecologist.

However, my experiences are not the norm, as most men are less virile and incapable of the sexual gymnastics I perform. Oh, and to answer your question: my penis has too much girth to get the Nuva Ring around it. Call me, ladies!

Dear Men of KSK,
Sex: I’ve been going out with this girl for nearly a year and our anniversary is coming up. When I met her she was a total hippie but she’s made a lot of changes and is always doing things for me. For our anniversary she wanted to have sex on shrooms because she said it was one of the best feelings she’s ever had. I’ve never done shrooms and I’m not exactly comfortable with the idea. Am I being unfair if I don’t do this one thing for her?

Nope. Whether it’s drinking, smoking, or doing drugs, a person in a relationship shouldn’t feel pressured to adopt their partner’s vices. If sex on shrooms is one of the best feelings your girl’s ever had, she can take them and you can focus on providing the sex.

On the other hand, relationships are about compromise, and your girlfriend is trying to share with you what she considers to be a wonderful experience. Now, I’m not recommending you take illegal hallucinogenic drugs here, but if you decide to demur then you should at least consider her feelings and intent with the proposal — and the possible repercussions of turning it down.

Football: My fantasy team is doing well, so I wanted to ask a general football question. Is Chad Henne really a long-term solution at QB for the Dolphins?

No.

He makes terrible Cutlerfuck decisions sometimes but then again his wide receivers have worse hands than people who hold on to fireworks too long.
-CJ

The Dolphins score touchdowns because of the Wildcat. Chad Henne only plays to mix the offense up.

Gents:
Football: Drafted Hightower and Beanie Wells. Wells sucked, dropped him on waivers. Wells starts taking carries away from Hightower. Kinda looks like Wells is going to get most of the carries. Picked Wells back up. Do I drop Hightower or keep both? Please advise.

Keep them both and hope one gets injured.

Sex: More of a general question. Asked my girlfriend to marry me (she said yes, the poor girl), let the world know, all the sudden every girl I’ve ever fucked is coming out of the woodwork and wants a piece of my cock. What is up with this shit? This is confusing. It’s not that I want to get back with any of these girls, there’s a reason I’m not fucking/dating any of them now, it’s just confusing that now i can’t go 5 minutes without another former crazy texting me about how she wants my dick inside her. What the fuck? Please advise.
Thanks!
(insert creative moniker here)

Have you not heard? Bitches be crazy.

You, sir, have just made yourself unavailable to all other women on the planet — and if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man that they can’t have (to a certain extent, the gender-reverse of this is true as well, but I’m writing as one male to another, so bear with me). Sure, the relationships you had with all these previous exes didn’t work out, but as long as you were single and they were single, there was still a CHANCE they could have you again — a chance that they didn’t really consider until they couldn’t have you again.

Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. This concludes Understanding Women 101.

KSK:
Football: I need 1 RB, 2 WR, and 1 Flex out of the following: Slaton v. Ten; Beanie @ STL; Harvin v. Sea; DeSean Jackson @Chi; Kevin Walter v. Ten. Right now I’ve got Walter as odd-man-out, but something is nagging the back of my mind. Our league is standard scoring except yards are 1 per 25 instead of 1 per 10, so touchdowns are at a premium. I’m leading the league in points, yet am on a five-game losing streak thanks to Bye Week Madness, so I really need to get this one right.

The fuck? 1 point for 25 yards? Who are you people?

Because of your fucked up scoring system, I’d play Walter instead of Slaton. You think Fumbly McButterhands is gonna get goal line carries? Hell no. Walter at least stands a chance of getting into the end zone, especially with Owen Daniels out.

Sex: I’m boning a divorced chick with kids. First time I’ve ever dated a mother. Relationship is pretty casual, but she wants it to be more. I’m worried because I feel like if we get to the point where all of a sudden I know her kids (I’ve been pretty well avoiding that), there is some magical line there that is hard to cross back over. Am I being worried for nothing, or is this tread-softly territory?
Signed,
Thanking God Each Day I Drafted Chris Johnson

Oh Christ. Now I have to embed this:

Unless Larry Fitzgerald is willing to write a guest column, that’s the best advice you’re getting from a Cardinals wideout this season.

What it comes down to is this: if you want to keep it casual and she wants more, get the hell out and don’t waste her time, you selfish ass. If you like her and decide that you want more, then meet her kid and become an important part of that family’s life. Don’t be the guy who dicks over a single mom. You don’t want her frumpy Bonnie Hunt-like sister judging you.

Douchebags,
Fantasy Question first: Due to my level of intoxication during my league’s draft, I am stuck with a plethora of mundane running backs. Select two from this list of inconsistent asshats: L. Betts (@DAL), L. McCoy (@CHI), J. Stewart (MIA), R. Grant (SF). Grant has been my one stable starter, which isn’t saying much.

I’m pretty staked at WR,

Staked?

pick 3 in a non-PPR league: R. Williams (WAS), The NYG Smith (ATL), Colston (@TB), Chambers (PIT), Edwards (@NE), Austin (WAS)

WR: Smith, Colston, Austin. At running back, you should start Grant at one slot and wait and see who’s going to get the reps on Sunday. Betts has run pretty well over the last two games since Portis’s concussion, and if he gets the start for the Skins he should get the start for you. Of course, Brian Westbrook has been listed as Questionable every fucking week for the last three years and he randomly misses every fifth game or so, so keep an eye on the Eagles’ situation as well.

Sex: I’m 25 and recently separated from the Army after 4 years of service, and am back in college. My question is: Is it wrong for me to fuck 18/19 year old broads that attend my school? I feel that since I missed what would have been a productive college career by deploying to Iraq, I should be entitled to make up for it. Your thoughts?
-Scarecrow

You are absolutely correct. Fuck away, soldier. Think about the friends you lost in that shithole: what would they want you to do? That’s right, they’d want you to nail all the hot college ass you possibly can. And you know what? If you didn’t exploit your legal drinking age and harrowing war stories to sleep with those hot young college girls, do you know what they’d do? They’d just end up with a lesser sexual experience with some 20-year-old douchebag who never fought for his country. Bang them for America, Scarecrow.

*hums “Battle Hymn of the Republic” while watching porn*

Gay mafia,
Football first, of course. Pick 2 out of these- Moreno (vs SD), Forte (vs PHI), Maroney (vs NYJ), Snelling (NYG), Forsett (MIN), Breaston (STL) or Roy Williams (WAS)- I’m leaning towards Snelling, Forte and Maroney. And yes I did get royally fucked over by Forte by drafting him 4th.

Those three sound good, except you said pick two.

Sex: This isn’t exactly sex, as I’m in highschool and haven’t hit the jackpot yet. I’m getting with a sophomore girl (I’m a junior), and we hook up most weekends. It goes pretty well (making out, I finger her, what have you) but then it gets awful. She can’t give handjobs. They are terrible. The first time I assumed she just didn’t know she had to go until I finished, but then it happened again. It’s the worst. Most recently I just made her stop. So, should I just ask her to blow me next time? (I’m not sure how comfortable she’ll be with that), or if she says no should I just guide her? Because honestly, she can’t do it as well as I can. I have years of practice goddamnit!
P.s. we are not dating (yet- I’m probably going to ask her out soon), so there’s no deep connection here.
Evan

My God, you’re getting handjobs from a high school sophomore and the two of you aren’t even dating? I may need to think twice about ever having kids.

First, on handjobs: Handjobs suck at any age. In fact, as you get older, a handjob becomes an insult. “Really? You’re really going to try to give me a handjob?” Welcome to high school, pal: frustrating and unsatisfying pseudo-sexual encounters is part of the experience.

Now, for the advice: Frankly, I don’t condone casual sex among high schoolers, but if you can muster up some respect for this girl and start dating her, and assuming you want some sexual release, then you’re going to have to give her some guidance regarding oral sex. You don’t want her going off to college and blowing other guys without ever having learned to give head, do you? C’mon, do her future boyfriends a favor.

Hey fellas who like football and females,
Fantasy: I have a pretty good group of receivers and some decent matchups this week, and I’d like to avoid being the guy who leaves 20 points on the bench. Would you help me decide? Start 3: Housh at MIN — Colston at TB — Big Steve Smith vs. ATL — Breaston at STL.

I’d go with Colston — ALWAYS Colston — Housh, and I guess the Giants’ Steve Smith. Breaston’s been finding the end zone recently, but as a policy I’ll play a #1/#2 guy in a solid passing attack over a #3 guy, even if he can be as productive as Breaston.

Sex: My wife has an incorrectly healed episiotomy and not only is sexual contact excruciating for her, but even mental stimulation or non-contact stimulation (increased bloodflow to the area) causes pain. Reconstructive surgery is planned, but imagine the dry spell after THAT. No question here, just wanted to say FML. Because I cannot FMW.

An episi-whatty?

/Googles episiotomy

//feels ill

Yo, you people,
Fantasy: PPR league, .1 point per carry, 1 point per 10 yrds rushing, 1 point per 15 yards rec. Options at RB (start 2): Gore @ GB, Grant v SF, Mendenhall @KC. Gore seems obvious, I’m a bit stuck between the other two.

.1 per carry and only 1 point for 15 yards receiving? Seriously, some of you people have absolutely retarded commissioners. Gore and Mendenhall.

Sex: I’m a college student and spend my summers/breaks at home. At the end of last summer, I was at the bar with friends and saw my neighbor there–a 50 year old cougar. We’re chatting, I buy her drinks, we smoke (”I don’t often do this!” yeah, ok woman), one thing leads to another, and we’re exchanging uglies later that evening. The sex is great–she was fiending for that youth. I mean GREAT. But there are a couple issues:

-This woman is good friends with my mother, who provides the shelter while my poor ass puts all my money to tuition. They have tea or some shit, whatever older women do, once or twice a week.
-She has a daughter I know. Well. As in we fucked before I fucked her mother.
-College pussy doesn’t compare for the most part. There have been a few, but GOD DAMN this woman knew how to work it. And most girls think I’m fairly awkward, while this MILF thinks I’m God’s gift to personality or charm (don’t ask, I don’t know), so it’s not like I have it available on hand every weekend–I gotta work hard for a college girl. I’m not ugly but no model either, so girls just don’t flutter their eyelashes at me with every Crest-approved smile. The MILF has made it well known I have permission to land whenever, and I have been going home every other weekend, or roughly that, to park my engine in her landing strip.

I read this column every week and I know how you emphasize how much us youngins should be taking advantage of that shaved poon the academics run with, but this woman is moving soon and I may not come across a cougar as hungry for all that in the future. Shit, this may be a last time. It isn’t like she’s some Marlboro Light chain smoking hooker type–she’s a natural woman with natural beauty and a natural sex drive. There aren’t many of those that aren’t botoxed to the face, and when I do get older I’m afraid they won’t go for the older man, or as fiercely as they go for this. But at the same time, if my mother or her daughter find out, it could mean some terrible things for my social and regular life. (Mother could kick me out of the house or never let me back there for breaks, etc.–she would–and daughter knows some dirt I’m not willing to let out, she may not figure it all out as she is in college too, but that’s also the risk factor).

Is it worth it to keep going back home for the consistent crazy sex until she moves and risk jeopardizing many aspects of my life, or should I strain myself with awkward jokes and bad flirting and only get it that once a month/every couple months, while always knowing there’s a woman back at home that will go nuts for the nuts, nuttier than any nut here would?
Help me, Poony Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

flubby: I would watch a movie about this email.

Many of us already have.

The Graduate is crazy overrated, but dammit if I couldn’t watch Katharine Ross ’til my eyeballs dried out.

Anyway, my first reaction is: congratulations, sir, on the rare — and rarely desirable –mother-daughter combination. That’s a box, so to speak, that most of us will never check.

As for what to do: certainly your Mrs. Robinson is also turned on by the illicit nature of the relationship, and I don’t see a problem with saving money in college while having mind-blowing sex. And since she’s moving, you have a pre-programmed end date to the fling, which is helpful since this isn’t the sort of thing with a future, unless you’re Ashton Kutcher and pretending to be straight.

The downside, of course, is that every weekend that you risk your ass by getting your ashes hauled by Mrs. Robinson, you’re removing yourself from the environment that provides you with many young single ladies your own age — and even if you don’t date them in college, those are important connections to make as you enter the real world and end up in the same city or working for the same company as some sexy acquaintance you know from some a cappella festival or a Phish concert or whatever crappy things college students like these days.

I’d suggest keeping the visits to Cougar Town to once a month. Find a happy medium between the hot, dangerous older-woman sex and making the most of your time in college — even if that means striking out with some stuck-up Tri-Delts from time to time.

I was supposed to write the mailbag last night, but then I got drunk on bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds, watched “Top Chef,” and went to bed a little before midnight. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to answer your questions in the quiet hours before dawn. Now that it’s well into the afternoon, I’m a goddamn zombie and that’s why you’re not getting any kind of sensible introduction here.

Featured below: a follow-up message from the gentleman whose girlfriend has the regrettable tattoo she’s ashamed of, the wonders of Ray Rice and Donald Driver, shtupping roommates and local barmaids, suicide pools, ex-lesbians, bald college poon, and the absolute worst drunken college experience possible. Enjoy.

Fantasy: In my work league I start 3 WR, but I’m loaded with 4 good ones. Pick the 3. TJ Housh @ Zona, Wayne @ Pats, Driver @ Dallas, and Megatron @ Minny.

Ooh, tough one. I’d say Wayne and Megatron for sure, and I’d give a slight edge to Driver over Houshmandzadeh. As an owner of both Driver and T.J., Housh has been frustratingly uneven all year, while Driver seems to break a long a touchdown every other game. I haven’t seen many sing the praises of Donald Driver this year, but he’s one of the more pleasant surprises this fantasy season. In my PPR league that starts three WRs, Driver’s the 14th-ranked wideout, just after Welker and ahead of guys like Mike Sims-Walker and Brandon Marshall. That’s a nice return on a late-round old guy.

I’m the “FUCK” tattoo guy. Not that you care,

But we DO care!

but I tried a different approach on Friday. We hadn’t seen each other in a week because she had to go to a funeral. I picked her up from the airport and when we got to my place I showed her what I did. I wrote “FUCK” across my chest in Sharpie. It actually worked. Best sex we’ve ever had. She had no shame when I showed her I had none. Thanks for the help. I’m pretty smitten by this chick, so I had to get over it. You and the comments helped some. Way to go!
-Shuan

Hooray! We helped! Kind of!

Business: Standard scoring, non-PPR league and could use a hand at RB2 this week. I’ve got Joey Addai vs the Chowds and Ryan Grant vs. Jerry’s Boys. Gotta play 1.

I’m sure you’ll want me tarred and feathered after Sunday proves me wrong, but I’d go with Ryan Grant. I just don’t trust Belichick when it comes to fantasy. You never know when he’s going to design a game plan to shut down a single player or give carries to the third-string running back, with no greater purpose than to fuck over fantasy owners.

Pleasure: I live about a block from a neighborhood bar that my buddies and I like to frequent. There is a very hot young bartender that works there that is in to me. I’ve been in a prolonged dryspell, and this hottie would not only bust my slump but would be a solid knock out of the park. The only catch is that it’s fairly obvious that she’s emotionally….needy and I’m fully engrossed in my return to full bachelordom. I don’t want a relationship, just a fuck buddy and knowing most chicks, that will likely end up being an issue. Do I hit it, risk pissing her off and potentially make my self unwelcome at my favorite watering hole? Or do I let this one go and keep it corked for awhile longer?
Gracias, E.H.

I say go for it. A lot of adults can engage in sex without committing to a relationship; she just might be one of them. And if not, well, she doesn’t work at the bar every night, does she?

To my heroes,
I don’t have a fantasy question, I do want Andy Reid to fall into a giant vat of bubbling lard though.

Unsilent Majority: you mean his food trough?

I have very recently found out that my old roommate and erstwhile best friend has been fucking my ex girlfriend (and I believe he even wrote in to the mailbag about it!)

Awkward!

Now of course this came as a great shock and since I loved the girl, excuse me for being a pussy, but I am heartbroken. Now we weren’t together or anything at the time so I won’t dwell on that fact, even though its really fucked up. My question relates to this. I want to get over this by burying myself in pretty much everything with a vagina that I’m not related to that passes my way. However, I’ve never exactly been a Lothario and I’m no smooth talker. What is the rule on playing the hurt card? I am actually hurt badly by all this, to what degree should I use that if I should use it at all to find said vagina. Has that even worked before? Should I just grin and bear it and be stoic about it?
–Uncle Rahls

I’m not a fan of this so-called “hurt card.” What’s the angle? You want women to sleep with you because they feel sorry for you? Pfffft. If anything, the hurt card is really only useful in keeping yourself from getting embroiled in a new relationship when you’ve achieved your goal of casual sex. And it’s not even a “card” to play as much as it is honesty: there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” if you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship. In fact, it’s commendable.

Gentlemen,
Well fuck you. I am one of those readers that you have just cast aside over the last weeks claiming immunity on the basis that you could not get to all the questions. I came to you out of curiosity two weeks ago; I come to you now out of desperation.

Football: I have lost all ability to choose my RB’s. I need three. Brown and/or Williams @TB; Gore @Chi; Addai @NE or S. Jackson @NO. I have been playing Brown and Williams and that has proceeded to slaughter me as I sit there and watch Addai fuck me on his way to two TD’s. I am only confident in Gore.

Blech, I’ve never liked owning two carry-sharing RBs from the same team. I’d rather have one guy and sometimes be fated to getting fucked than face the weekly two-chamber Russian roulette. As for your decision this week, it’s a tough one: you’ve got some great talent and some favorable matchups. Whenever I can’t make up my mind, I simply go with the most talented player. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least it’s system. And having a system means that you can blame the system instead of your decision-making abilities. So: Gore and Jackson.

Sex: Much more important then my shit league is my roommate. I wrote to you two weeks ago saying that I thought it was a really good possibility that I was going to fuck my new roommate. Well we did. We did all weekend. Now it’s Tuesday and it’s real awkward. We haven’t talked at all since I left her room on Saturday night to go back to my room. She is a cool chick, but I can’t date my roommate, I don’t piss where I eat.

Au contraire. You just urinated all over the dining room.

I don’t want a fuck buddy either especially one who sleeps 15 feet away from me. We are stuck together no matter what for at least another year, do i avoid her or just man up and confront the awkwardness?
-P.M.

I remember your email from two weeks ago. Dude, it didn’t matter what I or anyone in the comments said: you were gonna bang this chick regardless. Obviously — and this is a topic that’s been covered in previous mailbags — sleeping with your roommate is a terrible idea. It creates all sorts of pitfalls in navigating your bachelor’s life. But since the damage is done, avoiding or ignoring the situation isn’t going to help.

Here’s what I would do if I had your terrible judgment: take her out for a drink (dinner is too date-y, lunch or coffee is too formal), and begin by apologizing for not speaking to her for several days afterward — be honest and say that you didn’t know how to handle it. Then tell her you’re happy that you spent a weekend wearing each other out, because it was obvious that it was what both of you wanted. Then say that you think it’s probably not the best idea to get involved with someone you live with, because you don’t want to be jealous when she moves on and brings another guy home and shit like that. Then what will happen next is she’ll probably agree with you, then you two will have some more drinks and have sex anyway. Then the next year of your life will be spent occasionally having sex with her while you never develop a relationship with anyone else because it’s too awkward to bring a girl home, so you’ll only ever hook up with someone else if you can go back to her place or if your roommate is out of town.

Essentially, you’re fucked. But if you approach the situation with openness and honesty, you’ll make your life somewhat easier.

Hey fellas,
Quasi-Fantasy First: I have a suicide pool question as opposed to the traditional fantasy team question for you. By a bit of luck and educated guesses, I’m still in a suicide pool and somehow still have the Colts, Saints, Cowboys and Broncos to choose from over the heart of the season. Seeing as these teams will more than likely make the playoffs, is it a better idea to use them over the next few weeks and take my chances with teams who have a pretty good chance to make the playoffs or use these powerhouses in December when Sorgi will get lots of snaps?

While it’s nice to have those excellent teams available to you, I’d look at it from the other way: who are the terrible teams playing that you haven’t used? I’d be poring over the schedules of the Redskins, Lions, Browns, and Raiders. Those teams are dogshit. Dude, the Lions blew a 17-point lead to the Seahawks last week. Shitty teams are where you’re gonna make your money.

Sex: Here’s a set of circumstances that I’m not sure warrant red flags and I should run for the hills or worth the risk/heartbreak. I’m 30, college educated and have been in the work force 10+ years, she’s 25 just finished grad school, never had a real job or any work experience. She mentioned possibly moving in together as she can no longer keep her student housing. We started having a heated discussion about the job market and where it may or may not lead and although I am paying for everything right now, when the job market recovers, I would want her to contribute financially if she were living with me. She impolitely disagrees.

Well, fuck her in the face.

Been dating for about 5 months and New Years Day would be when she would move into my place. Other possible red flags: I am the first guy she’s dated since she was in high school. Her current roommate is her ex-girlfriend, who gives me the death stare when I am in her presence. They broke up about 3 months before we started dating, but still share their house. She is also a big fan of jam bands. Endearing qualities: Although she has a very hippy vibe, she does not reek of patchouli. She loves football and hockey. She is a solid 8.5.

I’ll be honest: I kind of hate your girlfriend.

sidebar: If a threesome were to happen with her and another girl, it wouldn’t be her roommate as roommate is totally butch and has sworn to cut my dick off if I make her cry. So, should I stick with her hoping she comes into the real world sooner than later or end it now?
-Lesbo Converter

Listen, that’s great that she’s hot and likes sports. But dude, this girl has never been an actual grown-up, and the notion that someone wants to live with you and has issued not a request but the expectation that you pay her portion of the rent and continue to do so in perpetuity? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Oh, the economy’s shit and she can’t put her master’s degree to use? Boo fucking hoo, Denny’s needs a waitress. She isn’t entitled to shit. Welcome to life, honey. Pay your bills. Pay your own fucking rent. And if she’s got a problem with that, she can go crying to her dyke ex-girlfriend and munch box for a living. Put that broad on waivers.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am torn at the Flex position this week between Devin Hester (Thurs. @ SF) and Ladell Betts (Sun. vs. Den). Please help me with this shitshow.

Yeesh. My knee-jerk reaction was Hester, who’s had at least six catches each of the last four weeks. But Betts looked good filling in for Clinton Portis, and Denver did give up 155 yards to Rashard Mendenhall in getting exposed on Monday night. So I don’t know. Given that the Redskins are fucking terrible and will likely be throwing most of the second half, I’d lean towards Hester.

I am also torn about Christmas with the old lady. My girlfriend is freaking out because she has strong feelings about wanting to spend Christmas together. She is pretty adamant about being together that day, but apparently that means giving up my family celebration for hers in a far, far different location, and my family is going to be fucking pissed if I’m not there with them. Keep in mind, her and I haven’t been together long enough at all to call the other’s family our in-laws. This is hardly sex related, but could very well result in a chain of events to affect it. Do I say fuck it, hurt her feelings, and catch her on the flip side, or do I bargain?
-Santos L. Halper

I gave up a Christmas once to spend it with a girlfriend’s family instead of my own. We were awfully young (something like 23 and 19) but pretty serious about each other, and I was very much already welcomed into her parents’ home. It was my first Christmas away from my family, and it turned out okay. Looking back, I would have preferred to spend it with my family, but at the time it was the right thing for my relationship and the girl I was head over heels for.

Judging by the tone of your email, you would rather be with your family, so be with your family. Just explain to her that as special as she is to you, your family has been in your life a whole lot longer than she has been, and you choosing them isn’t a sign of disrespect to her but a sign of respect to your familial bond. If you have to, bargain: arrange for a separate trip to meet/spend time with her family. Easter’s nice for that.

My friends and brethren at KSK,
I need help the good ol’ fantasy squad this week. I have to start 3 of these WRs. Please help me choose. They are: Brandon Marshall (@WAS), Mike Sims-Walker (@NYJ), Sidney Rice (DET), Jerricho Cotchery (JAC), Malcom Floyd (PHI), Mohamed Massaquoi (BAL). I was leaning towards a line-up of B-Marsh, Rice, and Cotchery. What combo do you think would lead to me to victory this week?

Pretty good, but I’d go with Sims-Walker over Cotchery. Cotchery’s only found the end zone once all season.

As for the more romantic aspects of life. People are always asking whether you’re an Ass man or Tit man. Some people who don’t have the balls to choose one say, a little bit of both. I was just wondering what the gentlemen at KSK preferred?
-Chronic

I don’t have such a narrow worldview. If a girl’s got a perfect ass but not much up top, then I’m an ass man. If a girl’s got a flat ass but a great rack, then I’m a tit man. If I see a petite thing with great stems in kitten heels, voilà, I’m a leg man.

I appreciate women’s bodies, plain and simple. I love great tits. I love a phenomenal ass. To choose one or the other is to deny yourself the beauty of the female form.

what up KSK-
Fantasy first. I’m pretty positive I’m making the playoffs in my league. I’m 8-1, the 2nd place team is 5-4. It’s a ten team league and 4 teams make the playoffs. A very big reason for my winning is taking risks on drafting Ochocinco and Benson early in the draft when no one else was. Now, is it ok for me to adopt the Bengals as my favorite team for the rest of the season considering these three factors: (1) Obviously they are a big part of me being 8-1 at this point, (2) I’m a huge Bears fan (obviously rooting for Benson kind of sucks), but I really want Lovie/Angelo gone otherwise that franchise will become Browns-esque; but with more sulk. (3) I go to grad school in ‘the city of champions’ (shoot me in the face), so naturally Steeler fans made me despise the Steelers. Am I a douche for rooting for the Bengals out of wanting my coach fired, fantasy football, and hatred for their rival fanbase?

Nope. Those are excellent reasons to root for a team. If scientists could harness my hatred for the Steelers, it would solve the energy crisis. Go Bengals! (Note: you still have to cheer for the Bears as your #1 team. Even if it’s cheering for a higher draft pick.)

On to the bangaranging. I drink heavily and often. I’ve made girls I’ve slept with feel bad about themselves because I wasn’t able ejac because I’ve been so drunk. Obviously it’s an awkward thing and i have to pull some “no, i am attracted to you, i’m just shitfaced” bullshit. I’ve tried being like, ‘why don’t we try again in the morning?’ but that seems to piss them off more. How would you deal with this? (yes I know I should maybe just not get so shitty)

Oh, and thanks for giving me stuff to read when I should be listening to some nerd drone on about federal rules of evidence and shit.
-Jack Daniels

Fake an orgasm. It preserves her feelings and prevents your embarrassment. (NOTE: this only works if you’re wearing a condom, which obviously you should be doing anyway.) Then when you get it on again in the morning, she’ll think you’re really virile. What a sucker!

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: Mendenhall v cincy with willie parker returning, or moreno @wash with a struggling washington run d… standard scoring, ppr.

Yahoo projects Mendenhall to get 14.08 points in a PPR league. Knowshon: only 7.42. Now, it goes without saying that Yahoo projections will fuck you in the ass if you give them the chance, but that’s a pretty big disparity. Go with ‘Shard.

Sex second: Let me preface this by saying I hate anal, and this has nothing to do with the question, but I want it to be duly noted. I am a 22 year old college senior at a major state school. I am about as far from a virgin as you can get, but as I near graduation, I find myself questioning the fact that I am manipulating 18 and 19 year old girls into giving me sucking/fucking me pretty much all over campus.

Obviously I love this, and am not complaining, but I feel like I should start preparing for the real world where girls aren’t trashy and they enjoy relationships. I guess the real question is, when do you move on from the random strange in anticipation of bars/parties where girls don’t show you their tits for lukewarm natty lights?

When you graduate from college and get a job. Not a minute before then. Do you hear me? NOT ONE FUCKING MINUTE.

Bonus question, why do so many girls like the bald look nowadays? To quote a fictional hero of mine Hank Moody, “And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult.”
gloriously,
anal non-enthusiast

There are plenty of women who don’t tend their gardens. And there are many who tend them but leave some hair. You’ll learn this when you leave your big state school and start missing the days of getting hot teenage shaved pussy all the time.

Dear Pubes On Bars Of Soap,
Football: Would you trade Steve Smith (NYG) and Julius Jones for Ocho? Steve Smith is on a bye this week and it’s a crucial matchup for me. I could really use Ocho’s points, but there’s still a decent chance I win without him (even though I’d either be playing Johnny Knox, Pierre Garcon, or Andre Caldwell).

Smith has more yards and as many touchdowns as Ochocinco, so in essence you’re giving up a better wide receiver and a running back for a lesser wideout (as far as number this season are concerned). However, on a week-to-week basis, I think Smith and Ocho are essentially a wash — you can be reasonably assured that Chad’s going to continue to produce. If you really need the help, I’d say make the trade, but counter-offer to trade the WRs straight up.

Pussy-pounding: The girl I’ve been dating for a month and am really into just dropped the bomb on me – she has herpes. I’ve been fortunate to keep my dick clean for 26 years and 30+ partners, but after a little research I found out that herpes isn’t that easy to transfer unless the carrier has an outbreak. Should I say fuck it and just keep my mouth away from her meat curtains, or keep my dick sore-free and move along?
Thanks,
Paterfamilias

I’d like to direct you to the KSK mailbag from March 12th of this year, in which Drew provided what I consider to be the definitive take on dating someone with herpes:

I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes. [...]

The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!

In a PPR league, Ray Rice is the third-ranked fantasy running back in the NFL. Play Rice and Johnson. Trade Brown.

Sex: Ugh, I don’t even know were to begin. This is pretty fucked up, so if you want to pass on this I won’t be offended or anything. For reference, I’m a 21 year old male. Okay. So it had been awhile since I last got laid. It’s not that I’m a freak or anything, I just have intense commitment issues. But that could be it’s own topic altogether. I only bring this up because it relates later.

So anyway, I have a gay friend. We hang out occasionally, mostly seeing each other at parties, that sort of thing.

Uh oh. I see where this is going.

This last weekend we just so happened to be going to the same party. I ended up drinking, a lot. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty, but I ended up having sex with my gay friend.

Now I am completely straight. I realize that sounds retarded considering I had gay sex, but it’s one thing I’m totally positive about. I’ve never been attracted to another man, ever. I watch exclusively straight or lesbian porn, I’m not even remotely turned on or attracted to guy on guy porn.

Here’s another thing, I was blacked out the whole time. I literally was standing in the kitchen with a large group of people, and then next thing I knew I woke up in bed with another dude.

And ANOTHER thing. From the conversation I had with him the next morning. Apparently, it wasn’t just a little sex. It was a lot of sex. Multiple hours of really hardcore sex.

Bleh.

Okay.

What do I say to this guy? I’m not even sure I want to even see him again! Can you reasonably have a friendship with someone after that? How do I get over something like that? I mean, it’s really easy to say “Well, it doesn’t change who you are” or whatever. But I gotta say, it’s really a mindfuck finding out you went all out with another dude. I feel like maybe I’m over reacting. He hangs out with a lot of the same people I do, so it’s not like I can just run away from this. I don’t want to upset him or anything but “Yeah, when we fucked I was totally blacked out and even thinking about it makes me want to vomit” seems like a pretty shitty thing to tell someone, even if it’s the truth.

I’m also really terrified of other people finding out. I have no idea who knows what actually happened. Would I lose friends over this? Do I just try and bury all of this or do I come out with it?

Can I ever go back to being who I was before all this? Please help.
Thanks,
never drinking again

Yikes. Wow. Hoo boy.

First things first: have you considered the possibility that you were raped? I mean, you’re straight, you were blacked out, and he had a whole lot of anal sex with you without you remembering a thing. Think about it: if that same scenario happened between a woman and a guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, everyone would call it rape.

Verdict: gay rape, also known as “grape.”

I apologize for not being more serious, but holy shit, dude. I don’t even know where to begin. Before you take a word of anyone’s advice — be it my own or someone in the comments — I’d make a beeline to a mental health professional. That’s some heavy shit that goes beyond what little expertise I have.

In fact, I don’t think I want to give you any advice on the chance that it might be bad advice. I have no idea what you can or should say to your gay friend. I don’t know the best way to keep this under wraps (Jesus, have you seen the way gay men gossip?). I have no clue how your friends might react, and I can’t begin to imagine how you’d go about getting past this, other than by seeking professional help.

I don’t know what to say here. Um, at least  you have Ray Rice and Chris Johnson as your starting running backs?

This has nothing to do with the NFL, and it’s not very funny. But if you’re interested in the military roots of a football blogger, read on.

I did a reading last week. The person organizing the event, knowing of my experience as a Marine in the initial invasion of Iraq, asked me to read something about the Middle East. I accepted. Ohhhhh did I accept.

This particular reading series is run by and populated with graduates of the M.F.A. writing program at Sarah Lawrence College — a commendable program by all accounts, but one that inevitably produces a lot of female writers talking about their relationship with their mothers. Furthermore, it’s a nonfiction reading series, and since most of the readers are highly educated writers by trade, there’s no REAL drama. No violent crime, no fires being put out, no fistfights — only existential crises that inevitably stem from an absent father or overbearing mother, or vice versa.

Well, I was determined to turn their reading series on its head. I selected a passage that I put in the category of DARK AS HELL, one of the more emotional and gruesome passages from my always-and-forever-unfinished memoir about the war. I was gonna freak some bitches out.

However, there was one thing I didn’t count on: I don’t generally share my experience at war with anyone besides fellow veterans. I’ll tell the funny stories, or show the pictures of me with friends goofing off, but my feelings about war and my fear of death and the lives I broke as carelessly as a glass from Ikea are all things that I keep inside of me.

And you know what? That doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help the civilians who ask me honest questions about combat, it doesn’t help other veterans who are fighting the demons of their own memories, and it doesn’t help those who try to avoid the ugly reality of war. Like, say, our Congress since the all-volunteer force was adopted.

With that in mind, what follows is the passage I read last week. It’s about my fears of going to combat just after we got the word that the invasion was about to begin. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to share it with an audience of strangers. I hope that it’s uncomfortable for you to read.

***

As the sun rises, so does my anxiety. Are we actually going to war? We are. We are actually going to war. I personally am going to war. Holy Jesus living fuck save me God in heaven fuh-huh-huh-huh-huck.

I don’t want to die. Oh God, how is it going to happen? So many ways, death at every corner and lining the streets in between. Who’s going to shoot at me? Iraqi tanks? Okay, that’s okay—we’ve got armor for that. Good armor. Great armor, the best armor. But what if it’s a close shot? Maybe that Iraqi tank round doesn’t penetrate but the shock of the blast causes the inside of the turret to splinter—spalling, it’s called—and all it takes is one little piece of metal to go into my exposed neck, to cut my jugular, and I’m gasping, choking on my own blood, trying to get out a desperate last prayer for life. Or maybe that hot piece of metal goes through my eye and I go quick. No, no—I know. I’m going to have to get off my tank—there’s a wounded Marine, or I need to help an innocent citizen, or there’s a reporter in the way—and that’s when the large-caliber rounds rip through my legs—why didn’t I see that machine gun emplacement?—shattering my femurs, cutting my femoral arteries, and oh God no not my balls. My balls are going to get shot off and even if I live I’ll be a crazy legless veteran with no balls.

Jesus, RPGs. I haven’t even thought about the RPGs. One shot from behind, or a top-down shot in a city whose name I don’t even know, and there goes the fuel tank. It’ll burn slowly at first, and I’ll be standing on the turret, making sure Sprague gets out of the gunner’s hole when the fire catches the ammunition, maybe the violently combustible main gun rounds, maybe just a box of 7.62; it won’t take much to shatter this fragile body, shred my guts to mincemeat, blow my limbs off—the flies will lay their eggs on the muscle of my detached humerus when it lands three hundred yards away; maggots will feast on my decomposing bicep. Feral dogs will fight over a piece of my foot rotting in its boot near the charred tank, and I’ll have died with the smell of my own flesh burning in my nostrils.

Oh God don’t let it be me. Maybe it won’t be me. Carnline—he’s the curious type, always has his head out of the loader’s hatch when he should be staying down. He’ll be up joy-riding on the side of the hatch because I’ve gotten tired of telling him not to, and the sniper’s bullet is going to catch him in the cheek, and his helmet will prevent an exit wound.  I’ll be the one to lay him down on top of the turret, and I’ll pull his helmet off and his brains and shattered skull will fall into my lap, gray matter and pink stuff I can’t identify and flecks of bone like ivory, hard and sharp in the soft mess. And I’ll vomit into Carnline’s brains, and I’ll cry into his open skull, and my Marines will look at me and ask each other This is the guy they chose to lead us?

My heartbeat throbs against my wrists, beats my eardrums, thunders against my woozy temples. I chain-smoke behind my tank. I’m trying to get enough nicotine into my body to stop my hands from shaking. It hasn’t worked yet.

My platoon sergeant comes around the side of the tank and says, “Oh. There you are, sir. Been lookin’ for ya.”

“Well, I’ve been right here.” I’ve been hiding.

“The platoon’s all here, if you wanna talk to ’em.”

I don’t. Not at all. “Thanks, I’ll be there as soon as I finish my smoke.”

I’ve never been good at speeches. I always forget what it is that I want to say, so I have to write down notes, which cuts down on the rambling but makes for less effective go-get-’em speeches. Today I have so little to say that I’ve foregone notes.

I toss my cigarette into the sand and walk to the front of my tank. I look at my platoon. They’re a motley crew: gangsters, country boys, college-kid reservists, immigrants, tattooed thugs. They can drink and swear and tank like no other group of Americans I know. I have trained them, trained with them, and I love them fiercely.

I can count on Sergeant Melville for detailed, even excessive, reports. Corporal Weber—Big Joe, he’s from Washington, I’ll write him a recommendation for a college scholarship next year. Sergeant Horner’s little boy Lawson isn’t more than a couple months old. I know when Sprague has been sneaking cans of chili into the gunner’s hole because his farts smell worse than usual. Willie—when was the last time Willie brushed his teeth? Zapien’s a reservist; he works in a bank and has a pretty Asian girlfriend he’s going to marry when we get back. Lopez, just a baby when he got to the company—now he’s practically an old salt. I’ve watched him grow up. I guess he’s watched me grow up, too.

My Marines. My men, for whom I’m responsible. I’m twenty-four and older than all but two of them. I’m twenty-four and responsible for as many lives as I have years, if I count my own (and I do). I have twenty-four mothers to answer to, eight wives depending on me not to fuck this up. These men deserve the toughest, smartest leader that the Marine Corps can produce.

What they have is me, and I.

Am.

Terrified.

I clear my throat.

“I know y’all were probably lookin’ forward to a big Braveheart talk, but you know me—I’m not one to speechify.” Dead silence. Is my voice actually trembling? “We all know that we have a just cause for going to war, and we’ve already gone over the scheme of maneuver a hundred times.

“I’m just like the rest of you: I’ve never been to combat, so I don’t know what it’s like. But I want to tell you all that it’s okay to be scared.” I’ve been looking at the ground. I raise my head and force myself to look at them; I move my gaze around to meet several different sets of eyes. “What’s not okay is to let that fear overcome you. No panicking. We’re all well-trained, and as long as we go with our training and make quick decisions, we’re gonna accomplish the mission and be fine. Tank commanders, you know what I expect.”

They’re still looking at me. I’ve just given one of the least inspirational speeches in the history of warfare.

“That’s about all I wanted to say.”

Our resident Steelers fan is taking the night off to watch the game at a bar with his Steeler friends, but we’ll still have gay mafia quorum here at the live blog, as we pull our weekly stunt of spending as much time typing and reading comments as we do watching the game. Should be fun. The way I look at it, I’m not drinking alone if I’m chatting on the Internet with other people who are drinking. It’s what Kyle Orton would want.

Cardinals at Bears — The last time these two teams met, Dennis Green’s Buzzsaw jumped all over an error-prone Rex Grossman (SIX turnovers! Let’s see you do that, Jake Delhomme) and staked out a three-touchdown lead going into the second half of the Monday night game. Then Arizona blew the game without allowing a single offensive touchdown, which is really kind of an impressive feat when you think about it. Without Green or Grossman in the mix, this game lacks the same potential for hilarity, but we can still hope for some nice ass-crowning.

Dolphins at Patriots — Could be a tough day for Miami, as LB Channing Crowder and NT Jason Ferguson are both doubtful. Also, they needed two return touchdowns from Ted Ginn to eke out a win against a rookie quarterback last week. Oh, and Chad Henne is still their starting QB.

Ravens at Bengals — First-place Cincinnati looks to keep its perfect division record intact. Hey, when you get the chance to write “first-place Cincinnati,” you take it. Unrelated fun fact: the Ravens have scored more points than any other team in the AFC so far this season.

Texans at Colts — Two of the conference’s best offenses square off in an AFC South showdown! is what I would write if I didn’t loathe the Colts so much. Good news for Houston: Bob Sanders and CB Marlin Jackson are out for the season. Bad news: Owen Daniels is done, too.

Redskins at Falcons — Washington’s two victories this season: 9-7 over the Rams and 16-13 over the Bucs. Shitty teams that have beaten them: Lions, Panthers, and Chiefs. The Redskins are fucking TERRIBLE.

Packers at Buccaneers — Eh, at least the Bucs have sexy cheerleaders.

Chiefs at Jaguars — This game is why fantasy football is so important. Ordinarily, I couldn’t possibly give a shit about this matchup of two crappy teams. But I’ve got MJD and Jamaal Charles starting on one of my teams. Suddenly it’s thrilling: GO BOTH TEAMS’ RUNNING GAMES!

I’m a fan of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders’ iconic uniforms, with the boots and the tassels and the puffy sleeves and the hey hey hey. But if they were to permanently changes over to Daisy Dukes and cutoff plaid shirts, I don’t think I’d be able to complain.

After the jump I’ve compiled a sexier than usual Sexy Friday, but it comes with the reminder that this post is strictly conditional: lousy commenting through the week (read: bitching) will result in an unsexy Friday for all. Please, police your own. (Female readers, please note: we’ll give you some sexy male equality when you send us submissions. And don’t send them now. Send them next Friday.)

Blake Lively is fantastic. More women should work harder to have long legs and big boobs and long blonde hair. Image via the excellent bohemea tumblr blog, which has in the past used these images of Monica Bellucci:

(…and also this NSFW one – yowza.)

With this gallery of women in sweaters, CoEd Magazine is long on effort and short on knowledge of slang for tits: they labeled the gallery “sweater kittens.” Nice try, but the correct term is sweater puppies.

And here’s Ana Beatriz Barros. This picture could qualify for the fairly NSFW tumblr blog Fuck Yeah Brazilian Girls, but it’s actually from the ASTOUNDINGLY NSFW tumblr blog Someday Afternoon. Please click with caution, and enjoy your weekend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… tickets are still available to the Lions-Seahawks game this Sunday because Detroit fans aren’t going to make the trip? But this is the weekend’s premiere matchup between a 1-6 team and a 2-5 team! Hell, the last time these two teams faced off, the final score was 9-6! Barns: burned. WHEEEEEE!!!

So here we are. Back to pictures of sexy people on Friday afternoons. Why? Because for the most part, the commenting was superb this week. We had one dumbass on Tuesday or Wednesday, and there was a case of failed sabotage this morning, but all in all the lack of bitching was a true delight for both us and the quiet lurkers who read the comments but don’t contribute. So thank you.

And what’s the best way to say thank you?

Tits.

Now, Halloween is this weekend. We all know this. And all week long I’ve been all, “Guhhhh, I really don’t want to go to these parties” and “No fucking way I’m going to Ricky’s to get a costume.” Suddenly, today — possibly because of the pumpkinhead dancer — I’m totally stoked for Halloween. My God! What was wrong with me? Girls will be getting drunk and looking slutty ALL WEEKEND! How is that not reason to be excited?

Already I can sense a backlash, though. Girls who don’t want to look slutty. People who claim to be “over” it. Others who will point out my excitement as cliche. Well, you know what? I’ll stop getting excited over girls wearing slutty costumes when girls start wearing slutty costumes more than once a year.

Here’s reality TV whore Adrianne Curry dressed up as Slave Leia from Star Wars, Wonder Woman, and Silk Spectre from Watchmen. Fucking Peter Brady, man.

(Full gallery at the Superficial.)

Scarlett Johansson as a guy. I’d fuck him:

And last but definitely not least, Rosario Dawson will be dressing up as a naked sex slave. Great costume, Rosie!

We’ll be back Sunday with your open threads. Please keep in mind that Sexy Friday is dependent upon the attitudes of commenters, and that bitching is never sexy. ALSO: lady readers, we understand that you have been neglected. Please submit your preferred eye candy, and we shall include them in future Sexy Fridays. IF they happen.

Wow. Some really great submissions this week. I would’ve loved to have gotten to every question, but I really do prefer to keep this shorter than a Gregg Easterbrook column. (Good Lord, could you imagine Easterbrook writing this column? (Sour Play of the Week No.2: When TMQ’s wife refused to lube the strap-on with hamburger grease.”)

Anyway, if you didn’t make the cut this week, please don’t hesitate to hit us up for next week’s column. We (I) prefer to receive mailbag submissions on Tuesday or Wednesday, as this unwieldy monster requires some thought and, occasionally, research. In the space below, we’ll address sex during pregnancy, midseason trades, mismatched sex drives, tattoo turn-offs, Catholic guilt, Marques Colston, and more. (People, do NOT ask us if you need to start Colston. Yes. Start him. Every week.)

You dirty fuckers,
We will start with the sex issue of the day. My wife is carrying our first child. Due to her changing body, she is contributing our complete lack of sex to 10% being her insecurities about her changing body and 90% to just being downright uncomfortable. We have only been married one year this week and should be banging like rabid donkeys and I feel a bit put out. What is the best course of action? 1.) Make her feel better about the insecurities and tell her to suck it up? 2.) Engage her in a deep psychological reconnaissance mission to find a potential deeper issue for the lack of sex? 3.) Immerse myself in porn? I don’t know.

Oh, I’m sorry! Thanks for playing, but the answer we were looking for was (4) Don’t get your wife pregnant during the first year of your marriage. But don’t worry, I’ve heard that your sex life picks up exactly where it left off after you have kids! (In 18 years.)

Now to the fantasy question. I am the commish of a typical 10 team inter-office league, $20 per entry, winner take all. I have this one jackass in the league that makes at least 30 trade proposals a week. In the normal course of life this guy is completely oblivious to his own major short-comings and he has carried it over to the fantasy league. It has become a running joke for us to compare dildo’s absurd trade requests throughout the office. It was all fun and games until he hung himself out there bad to the #2 team in the league. When I saw the trade request, I thought to myself, “he is really fucking himself.” I didn’t think much of it until another guy in the league came over to my desk and suggested that I veto the trade because he was giving the guy so much talent in exchange for peanuts. With all the whimsical trade requests he has offered, it was only a matter of time before he fucked himself and the rest of us. Do I need to explain myself in this situation to the rest of the league if I were to veto his trade? Is it wrong for me to just cut off his trade function all together?
Sincerely,
dying to power trip on this fool

This is a tough one, as I’d like to suggest you allow the trade to punish the jackass. However, your duty as commissioner is to make sure the league is run fairly, and this would seem like the time to veto the trade, turn off his trade function, and write a long decree outlining Corky McMongoloid’s retardery and explaining your actions. Essentially, you want to embarrass him and make him hate everyone in the league so he doesn’t want to join next year.

Despots of Dick Jokes,
First, the sex.  So, one night I got drunk and hooked up with an ex-girlfriend that was about to leave town.  Since we both were interested in dating again, we started up the relationship long-distance.  The problem is that we’re both fairly religious people and didn’t really want to continue this behavior… but the sex was fantastic and we slipped back into it every time we saw each other.  Now she’s probably going to be breaking up with me because we aren’t keeping physical boundaries that we’d both prefer.  I’m wondering if you think it’s at all possible to stop getting it on after you know you have great sexual chemistry?

Dear human being, sex isn’t wrong. Religion is a social construct created thousands of years ago to control the uneducated masses. By all means, believe in God and worship as you please, but don’t drop this Catholic guilt bullshit about sex being wrong. If you need someone to tell you that God gets mad when you have sex before marriage, you’ve written into the wrong mailbag. Get over yourselves and fuck away.

Now, the fantasy football moral dilemma.  We’re playing in a league together and she dropped BJacobs for Chester Taylor (yeah… she’s not great at fantasy sports) after deciding that we should probably break up.  Am I being a dick to the rest of the league if I swoop in and pick up the manchild without stepping in and telling her not to do that?  Is that still my responsibility?
-MP

No, it’s not. But you may want to ask Jesus, just in case.

Dear Gentlemen –
Sex: My fiancé wants to have sex every night, which I attribute to her unfortunate childhood (namely, hearing her father frequently accuse her mother of cheating on him because she didn’t want to sleep with him). I’m in law school, so I’m simply not up to the task every night (I know, I know, I’m a baby, need to man up, blah blah blah). I’ve tried explaining this multiple times, but she still takes it personally. To an extent, I understand- I’m literally rejecting her advances; however, it’s not like we have a non-existent sex life. We still have sex three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how I can explain this to her without causing more damage?

I’m sure others will want to harangue you about your complaint, but it’s a real problem — and I speak from experience. How did I handle my situation? Well, I carefully explained that I had to work a couple nights a week in order to stay on top of the blogging game, and that I needed a night or two off per week. She said she understood, then we still ended up having sex every night. even on nights when I wasn’t feeling it beforehand, I was pretty happy we decided to have sex.

As her future husband, you should feel a responsibility to satisfy your mate. And as a man, you have the ability to be convinced to have sex. Believe me. Let her go down on you for a couple minutes and see how badly you don’t want to have sex any more.

Fantasy: I was recently offered a trade in a no-keeper, 3 WR 2 RB league: I give up Colston, Marshall, and Longwell and get Edwards, Turner, and Shiancoe. I have Ward and Manningham, so I’m not sure my WRs would take a big hit. My other kicker is Crosby, and he’s been comparable to Longwell. My RBs are Slaton and Westbrook, and Westbrook worries me.

Obviously, this email was written before Westbrook’s concussion on MNF.

Also, my TEs are John Carlson and Jermichael Finley, and I’m not positive Finley will become what I originally thought he would. So, do I take the trade, counter-offer Colston for Turner straight up, or reject it and stick with what I’ve got?
Regards,
BrentFarve

Counter-offer Colston for Turner straight-up. He’s trying to stick you with Braylon — who WILL drive you insane — in order to rob you of Brandon Marshall. Don’t fall for it.

Hold on a second. Your other kicker? You keep TWO kickers?  Dude. Dude. Your homework tonight is to drop Crosby and pick up a second- or third-string running back who can get some playing time if someone gets injured. Or throw a kicker into the trade to sweeten the deal to get Turner. Just don’t keep two kickers on your team.

Consiglieres of Coitus,
What’s the official KSK policy on plowing your buddy’s girlfriend?

Seriously? We still need to ask these things?

He’s dating this girl that I work with who is mind-bendingly hot and way out of my league, but recently their relationship has started to go tits-up. I also recently broke up with a friend of hers I was dating. We’ve been talking a lot about our relationships and sex lives, but I never figured it would amount to anything. Finally it leads to her telling me in no uncertain terms that she would gladly be bludgeoned by my meat bat.

She’s won over by your chivalrous words, no doubt.

I’ve always tried to be an ethical guy and a good friend, but this could be my only opportunity to sleep with a woman this attractive. Do I go for it?

No, of course you don’t. But you’re a fucking terrible friend, so you’ll do it anyway. C’mon, at least wait until they break up.

As for fantasy football, I have no real dilemmas. But I am in a league that starts two quarterbacks and is both IDP and PPR. I’ll give you a minute to scoop your brain up off the floor.
-T

Sounds like the kind of league where people fuck their friends’ girlfriends.

Gents,
Fantasy: I have some bye week shuffling and have 4 of these guys to pick, so tell me what you think. I need one of them in my open WR slot (unless Megatron doesn’t play against StL, then I use both), one in an open RB spot, one to start at TE, and an extra one you like at my open RB/WR spot (can’t use a tight end there). It’s a half PPR and everything else is standard.

WR: M. Austin vs. Sea / D. Hester vs. Cle
RB: T. Choice vs. Sea / D. Sproles vs. Oak / P. Thomas vs. Atl
TE: G. Olsen vs. Cle / V. Davis @ Hou

Austin and Sproles for sure. Flip a coin with Hester and Thomas. And at tight end… Davis, I suppose. Olsen’s gotten a couple TD’s, but Davis has way more yardage — I don’t think the shittiness of the Browns makes up for the difference in fantasy numbers.

Sex: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. Everything’s great, including the sex. She has no qualms about going down on me on a regular basis either. Good for me, right? The only problem is, while I obviously enjoy her efforts, she’s not very careful with her teeth. And I don’t think it’s intentional. It scrapes. As you can imagine, it can be painful. Not to the point that I have to stop her (there are probably few things short of a plane crashing into the house that would make me do that), but the kind of pain where I have to wince and grab onto a pillow. I guess overall it doesn’t stop me from the positive end result, but it definitely knocks me out of euphoria each time it happens. Just knowing what kind of girl she is, I know she’d get embarrassed if I ever pointed out that she was hurting me, and she might be hesitant to do the deed on anything close to a regular basis. I’m sure there are guys who would be happy with the pain, but it’s not for me. So: Man up, shut up, and consider myself lucky enough as it is, or risk hurting her feelings (and losing out) but avoid the pain?

We’ve all been there. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say “Ow” when she rakes her teeth on your dick. That’ll get her attention. Then you say, “Babe, careful with the teeth, please.” And if she needs extra reassurance, you tell her please don’t stop and it really turns you on blah blah blah. Then be all, “Less talky more sucky.”

And ladies: lips over teeth, please. It bothers me to no end that there are grown women who can’t fellate their way out of a paper bag.

Gentlemen,
fantasy football: I play in a 10 team league that starts 2 quarterbacks. My starters are Ben and Brees, and Ben is on a bye this week. I had Shaun Hill as my back up, figuring I would only need him for the two bye weeks. He has since been downgraded to the king of the bench behind baby hands Alex Smith. I need a victory this week, and I have an offer for a trade for The Bulge, but I have to give up Jeremy Maclin. I have reasonable depth at wide out, meaning that I have 4 or 5 guys that all put up mediocre numbers. Is the trade worth it?

Well, your main concern should be that the Rams are fucking terrible so you shouldn’t want Bulger. But Maclin’s had just one good game, and it’s been an aberration compared to the rest of his season. He shouldn’t be starting in a ten-team league. So I guess you can make the trade, but you should realize that you’re getting the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.

Sex: So, I started dating a girl a couple of months ago, and after a month I put her next to Shaun Hill on the bench. I wasn’t a dick about it, I simply told her that I wasn’t into her and wanted to see other people. A couple of weeks later she told me that she was pregnant with my demon seed. It was odd, because she she was only 3 1/2 weeks pregnant, which i didn’t know you could tell that early.

Nope. You can get a positive pregnancy test within 7-10 days after conception.

Things have grown more suspicious over the past month. I haven’t been invited to go to a doctor’s appointment with her, and every week it seems like more and more drama is going on that makes me feel straight out of daytime TV. These things have included her passing out, having a Russian guy text me from her phone telling me to watch my back (the text used words and phrases that she would use), and her telling me two weeks ago that it was more than likely twins. After I sufficiently shit my pants, I started dealing with it. I’m trying to be supportive but this chick is fucking crazy. My friends have advised me to invite her over, and when she does give her a pregnancy test and tell her to start pissing. Do you have any advice on this situation? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick, find out she’s is actually pregnant and then spend two decades with this girl trying to ruin my life because of the way I handle things now.

Help?
-From the Hopeless

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeikes. I would recommend NOT inviting her over to your house. Maybe to the top of the stairs, or to the local coat hanger factory. But not your house.

But no, you’re right: you DO need to find out if she’s pregnant. This is best done with your eyes by looking at her stomach. In order to do this, I’d suggest being nice to her. Ask her out to coffee under the conceit that the two of you need to clear the air about your future interaction, since she’s supposedly pregnant with your two children. Be honest and forthright in the big-picture stuff: it’s too bad you didn’t have the right feelings for her, but you don’t want to be a deadbeat, so you want do fatherly things like feel her stomach to see if the babies are kicking — oh, and while she’s there, this seems like a good time to talk about getting lawyers to draw up what kind of child support there should be, and also you need to arrange a paternity test. You know, just to be sure.

Basically, this woman — pregnant or not — has been able to fuck with your head by catching you off-guard about a serious issue. It’s time you started thinking a couple moves ahead.

(NOTE TO ALL READERS: Use a fucking condom.)

Bearers of gold, frankincense and myrrh,
Sex – I’ve been happily married for ten years and have two kids. The wife and I have sex on average two to three times a week. My question revolves around protocol when she is battling a cold. Typically this means one to two weeks of going to tube8.com for satisfaction, which is sort of like having to settle for the old woman while a very doable (at the time) Sondra Locke is sitting in the wagon waiting for Ten Bears. Is there a way to get any loving from a sick spouse without being seen as an inconsiderate lout?

Nope. Be a good husband: bring her chicken soup and flowers, and go out of your way to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to. The payoff on the backend will be considerably better sex.

Fantasy – Leagues that employ a flex position are lame. Flex positions are to fantasy as the Canadian Football League is to the NFL. In fact, I’ve found that the more asinine the fantasy question is, the more likely it’s from some dork in a flex position league (Look it up, it’s true!) So my question to people in flex leagues is a two parter. Eli Manning sucks and go fuck yourselves.

Well, I disagree about the flex position — it makes sense for the wave of bye weeks that take up the plurality of the fantasy regular season. However, I admire the panache with which you made your point. Bravo, sir.

Dear KSK:
Fantasy: I am 2-5 but would be 5-2 if I knew how to play matchups, I ask for your guidance. Standard scoring with .5 PPR. 2 WR, 2 RB, one flex, and I am totally stumped here. For receivers I got Jennings (vs. Minnesota), Crabtree (@ Indy), Maclin (vs Giants), Manningham (@ Philly), Collie (vs. San Fran). At RB I got Jacobs (@ Philly), Westbrook (vs. Giants), Knowshon (@ Balt), Beanie Wells (vs. Carolina). I feel douchey asking for so much help, but everyone I bench ends up breaking out, so I am leaving my fate to you.

That might not be wise. Before the season we told some guy to make Forte his keeper instead of Tom Brady. He’s not happy with us.

In descending order of how strongly I feel about them: Jennings, Jacobs, Knowshon, Beanie, Manningham.

Sex: I have been dating my girl for over a year now. We’ve dropped the L-bomb and talk about how were gonna get married down the line. Recently I have found out that she has had a lot more partners than I have, which sorta bothers me but I can get past that. Then I found out she is into some really kinky shit (likes fisting, hasn’t tried bondage but really wants to). This came out of nowhere from her, so now I am wondering what she is still holding back. I am having trouble respecting a girl who has done all this kinky shit with other guys. Tell me I’m not a pussy please.
-VP

Sorry: you’re a pussy. Men existed in her life before you entered it. And guess what, they might have even had bigger dicks! Get over yourself.

Gentlemen,
Sex First: Last weekend, I went out with a good friend, his girlfriend, and his sister. My buddy was being an ass all night, but his sister and I hit it off pretty well and graduated to shamelessly flirting in front of him. She’s really athletic and has pretty killer legs, so I was pleased with the direction this was headed. He called it a night, we went out for more drinks and hanging out, made it back to my place, had some intense making out, and slept in the same bed (no sex). Then, she invites me to her place on Monday…further making out ensues, but again I go home without getting down and dirty with her. Any advice on graduating this from high school making out to full-blown, toe curling, carnal lust? Situations that involve copious amounts of alcohol (for her) would probably help, I imagine.

I feel the following are pertinent facts: 1. She broke off an engagement a month ago. 2. I have a bet with another friend regarding which one of us will nail her first. 3. Holding this over her brother would be really huge for me for the rest of my life. 4. I’m working about a 3 month dry spell right now, which sucks.

5. Your life is the pinnacle of negative stereotypes about frat boys. 6.You’re playing the villain in a 1980s college comedy.

Seriously, how did you write that list without using the word “bro”? Do you have any kind of mental barometer for what assholes do versus what good human beings do? Give the girl some time to get over her broken engagement, call off the bet, let go of your immature desire to use a woman to hurt your friend, and THEN, maybe, you’ll see your three-month dry spell end.

Fantasy: Two of my starting three WRs are locks (Fitty and D. Jackson). Advice on the #3 slot: Nicks (@PHI); Knox (@ CLE); Crabby (@IND). I’m a Giants fan, so I lean toward Nicks, but I have used Knox a few games this year with success (PPR league and return yards/tds count in this league, so that gives Knox a plus). I’m not quite sold on starting Crabby yet. Also, who the fuck is Megatron?

Nicks is a solid play, and Manningham’s hands have been less than stellar lately, so he might get more looks. But I’d look into Cleveland’s special teams coverage before I made the call if I were you.

Megatron is Calvin Johnson. It’s a nickname he got from Roy Williams during his rookie season. Welcome to the blogosphere.

My RB situation always seems to be a crapshoot. Pick two: Slaton (@BUF); Addai (@SF); Grant (@MIN); Hightower (@CAR); F. Jones (@SEA). I liked Grant’s matchups the last couple of weeks, started him two weeks ago and he shit on me, so replaced him with Addai last week and Grant had a great game (for Ryan Grant, that is).
Thanks,
MF

Slaton and Addai. Slaton over Grant is a little bit of a risk, but teams have been running roughshod over the Bills. I’d also strongly consider Felix Jones. I’m not picking him because I prefer guys that are guaranteed to get the touches, but he’s got a chance to break some plays against a Seahawks defense that’s susceptible to long runs.

Dear KSK,
I met my current GF three months ago. We met in a pretty standard way, drunk at a bar. We went home that first night and nothing happened. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy. We didn’t have any type of sex until 6 weeks into our relationship. And actually set a day to be our first time.

The time finally comes. I jerked off 5 times a day leading up to the day so I wouldn’t be a one pump Gump. I get to her apartment that night and it’s all candles and 2 glasses of wine. We ordered pizza (so romantic I know). After food and maybe 2 glasses of wine a piece it gets hot and heavy. Clothes are coming off. When I pulled her shirt off she had an interesting tattoo across her upper abdomen. In about 6 inch solid black old English writing it simply said “FUCK.” Nothing about her ever told me there was a possibility of a giant “FUCK” tattoo. She’s 25, finished with school, has a career (fraud manager), and all that jazz. I obviously do a quintuple take and ask “what the heck is that?” She immediately starts crying and apologizing as she’s pullng her shirt on. We go through all the talking and I come to find she was a bit of a wild child when she was younger and got it when she was 19. I come to find out her hood and nipples were also pierced. She says she regretted it a week after she got it. Her insurance won’t cover the removal and she can’t afford the removal until she finishes paying her student loans. I told her it didn’t bother me, but the mood was ruined for that night.

We have since had great sex (with our shirts on). I think I’m in love with this chick, but the tattoo fucking bothers me to no end. She won’t take her shirt off when we have sex. She has the few times we’ve fucked while drunk, but even then it bothered me. I have told her that it’s not my favorite thing about her but she has no idea how upset it makes me. Am I being selfish about this? I want to be with her, but not with the tattoo. I have not even told my friends about this. Do I tell her it bothers me and potentially crush her or do I bite my tongue and see if this relationship is the real deal and eventually help her pay for the removal.
-Shuan (It’s pronounced Schwan, i hate my parents)
PS-Fantasy: My first two picks this year. LT & Frank Gore. Have you heard of a worse 1-2 pick combo this year?

As much as I’d like to admonish you for your tastes — I have searched my entire adult life for a woman with hidden piercings and a FUCK tattoo — a turn-off is a turn-off. But then, my stomach turns when I see a woman in pearls and a sweater set. To each his own, even if you’re wasting a freaky good time.

One thing’s clear to me: not only are YOU not comfortable with the tattoo, neither is she — and you’re partly to blame for it. The only way that we can conquer our dislike for something is by exposing ourselves to it. So you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. And no, do NOT tell her how much you hate the tattoo, but you do need to stress that it’s gotten in the way of you two furthering your intimacy. You need to start by having sex with your shirts off. Do it in complete darkness at first if you have to. Then add a little bit of light. Get used to seeing the tattoo, even if it’s just in your periphery. (For Christ’s sake! She has pierced nipples! Don’t let her cover that with a shirt.) When you get used to seeing it, force yourself to caress the tattoo. Kiss it. You’re not going to like it at first — and let’s be honest: you may not like it, ever — but facing the thing you don’t like is the only chance you have of liking or accepting it. As my friend Joe said, “I tried hummus 25 times before I liked it.”

And yes, LT and Gore was a horrible 1-2. You should have known better.