Are we supposed to believe that he’s from Detroit or something? I find that pretty hard to believe. I’m sure I would have heard something about it by now.

NOTE: Before reading the entirety of this post, please understand that there are some slightly NSFW-ish images that follow. Are they good or bad NSFW? Both? Only one way to find out, bitches!

(more…)

…Uncle Rogg just took him to a nice farm upstate. He’s going to be much happier there.

Hey, look! Puppies! Why don’t we take one home with us?

What do you want to call him? Buddy? Wags? Matt Stover? Matt Stover it is!

Mediocrity reigns! Who can be mediocre-est?

ARIZONA CARDINALS

A Few Fast Facts About the Cardinals

- One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex with a goat.
- What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star? Matt Leinart knows the answer. Say what you will about his extracurriculars, but homeboy’s laughing all the way to the VD clinic.
- Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.0 wins

Verdict: Under. The Cardinals have been predicted to be a “sleeper” team ready to make the “leap” for more consecutive years than I can count. At this point, picking them to step up is like betting on Charlie Brown to make a field goal. Anyone who picks them to succeed deserves to get punched in the nuts, if only on principle. Just like that bitch-ass Charlie Brown.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

A Few Fast Facts About the 49ers

- The 49ers are the greatest team in NFL history to not inspire a lackluster fan base.
- Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk was known as the “Mayor of Castro Street.” Niners coach Mike Nolan is known as Der Fuehrer of Sucky Straße.
- Offensive genius Mike Martz brings his magic to the City this year. San Francisco’s population of old lesbians is already swooning.
- The name “49er” comes from the flocks of men that flooded the city in 1849 in search of cock.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins

Verdict: Push? Five wins, six wins, what’s the difference? They’re not going anywhere with Alex Smith’s elf hands holding the football.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

A Few Fast Facts About the Seahawks

- Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once presented President Bush with a Seahawks jersey. He can surpass Steve Largent as the most politically conservative Seahawk if he votes National Socialist in the next six elections.
- Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency. They’re so shorthanded at wide receiver that they let some white guys try out.
- Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all.
- Shaun Alexander is a class act who plans to stay active in the Seattle community and keep close ties with the organization, even though the team cut him. More importantly, the team cut him.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9.0 wins

Verdict: Over. I know I’m a homer, but the Seahawks are better than they were last year, and this division still sucks. Barring an injury to Hasselbeck, they’ll get at least one home game in the playoffs. Oh God, I’ve jinxed Hasselbeck! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ST. LOUIS RAMS

A Few Fast Facts About the Rams

- Second place for the featured Ram picture was this.
- Third place was this.
- Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.
- Teri Hatcher has a ten-year-old daughter, which means Chris Long could star in the first-ever second-generation RadioShack ad. And people say Earth’s future doesn’t look bright.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 wins

Verdict: Over. The Rams got ruined by injuries last year. Bulger and S-Jax return healthy, and Chris Long should help improve last year’s shoddy D.

[Park Slope, Brooklyn. Interior of a news stand]

Okay… need something for a little beach reading. What to get? What to get what to get what to get.

Maxim? Come now, I graduated college. And I want something touting football on the cover.

Men’s Vogue? Eli’s on the cover. Nah, too gay.

Hey, Tom Brady’s on Esquire? Hmmm… not quite gay enough.

Ah-HA!

Goddammit James Franco is fucking se– I MEAN, 73 THINGS ABOUT FOOTBALL?!?! All right! GRRR, this will be great to read in between sets at the gym!!! Page 292, it says right here! That’s the where the football is!

/flips through magazine

Finally, I’ve made it through all those annoying fashion ads. Why, if the Men’s Wearhouse doesn’t have $2000 dollar dinner jackets, I hardly think I need one. These fat shirtless painted men in cutoff stone-washed denim are much more my style. GRRR TOUCHDOWN!

/puts on reading monocle

Say, what’s this?

Why, I’ve never read such libel! Drew doesn’t run the site! He’s merely responsible for forty percent of the content and all of the popular posts!

“Insightful”? Ha! And “soft-core”? Clearly, sir, you’ve never read our Peter King fan fiction. It doesn’t get any less soft than that.

But the worst slight of all? Leaving our photo shoot on the cutting room floor.

I wore my nicest jeans and everything!

You don’t become a grade-A asshole like myself without having at least some level of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and for me it’s worst in the morning. I’m especially prone to earworms that become verbal tics. Today I woke up with a mash-up of Ann Curry’s “good morning” spiel and “The King of Wishful Thinking.”

I’ll get over you, I know I will
Good morning good morning
I’ll pretend my ship’s not si-inking
Everyone in the news this morning

Just wanted to share. It helps me relieve the tic. In fact, I feel a little better already. Thanks.

Stand by for NFL-related programming.

Ahhhh… Qwest Field. Beautiful home of Seahawk dominance. The only place in America where fans calling themselves “the 12th Man” have read books without pictures. Site of the annual Seahawks playoff win before a second-round loss. Let’s take a closer look.

Aw jeez. Get out of the way, lady! I’m trying to look at the stadium! You’re blocking my view of the concourse! And part of the word “FIELD”!

Stop smiling for a second. You’re in my sight lines here. Can you maybe just get behind that rock so I can look at Qwest for a second? You will? Thank you.

Oh, Christ. I said BEHIND the rock. You can’t do anything right, can you?

Listen, there’s going to be football played here in the next week, and I’m trying to enjoy this last moment of Zen calm before I start yelling non-stop through January.

Sighhhh. No, I DON’T want you take your top off. Sheesh.

Yeah, that’s right: I’ve got HBO, bitches. Follow along for thoughts on last night’s season premiere of Hard Knocks, starring the Dallas Cowboys.

- Opening sequence: close-up on Tony Romo. WHERE’S JESSICA????? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!!

- The first “character” we get is tight end Jason Witten. He doesn’t like changing diapers. They show his wife. Quick! Judge her attractiveness, or the Internet will collapse!

- Romo spent the offseason teaching football in his Wisconsin hometown. Tips included footwork and how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.

- And just like that, footage of the last two Cowboys playoff losses. Mmmmm, that’s delicious. Hold on, I gotta replay the Jordan Babineaux tackle.

- Jerry Jones addresses the team. There is a disappointing lack of shouting YEEEHAW and TIX-ASS.

- We’re ten minutes into the show, and I’d be bored out of my mind if I weren’t typing non-stop. This is the only show on television that needs commercials.

- Minute 14: Pacman Jones! Pacman’s special skill is catching and holding on to six balls all at once, something he learned while playing with Vince Young, who prefers to do it shirtless.

- Wade Phillips in a dri-fit t-shirt that hugs all the wrong places: there goes any chance of peaceful dreams tonight.

- Wade Phillips in a polo shirt that hugs all the wrong places: I see a theme developing here. For the love of God, someone get that man a XXXL or a muumuu or a king-size bed sheet. Anything that doesn’t cling to the underside of his bitch tits.

- In a not-at-all staged bit of rookie hazing, DeMarcus Ware pretends to show top draft pick Felix Jones the ropes, positioning him below Pacman’s window. Pacman dumps a trash can full of semen and dollar bills on Jones. Well, not really. It was water. But I like my version better.

- Lordy mercy! There was an earthquake at the ‘Boys training camp! It leads Jason Garrett to tell a joke. How do I know? Garrett: “That was a joke. Kidding.”

- T.O. wears sunglasses during his “confessional” interview, held indoors. Of course. He also unveils a line of t-shirts with such slogans as “iLove,” “iScore,” “iPractice,” “iBlock,” and so on. They’re a big hit with his teammates, who purchase them for one cock-sucking apiece.

- Highlight of the show so far: the rookies have to sing into “microphones” made of bananas with two plums attached at the base. It looks like genitalia!!!! ROFLOLZ!

- After a bad day at practice, rookie RB Keon Lattimore calls his big brother for support. SHOCKING TWIST: his big brother is Ray Lewis. Ray-Ray offers some tough love, tells Keon to “stay on your Bible, stay on your prayers,” and “by all means, lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people.”

- Day 9 of camp: Tony Romo arrives at practice to adoring fans. WHERE’S JESSICA???? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!

- Wade Phillips to the team: “You know, I don’t have a lot of rules, but at [Secondary] Coach [Dave] Campo’s request, I’m making a rule that you can’t pull down coaches’ pants any more.” Drew’s incorporating that into a Wade and Jerry post as we speak.

- The Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy to keep players fresh for the regular season. Roy Williams does everything he can to ignore it. Kind of like the horse collar rule, or playing adequate pass coverage.

- Holy shit, say what you will about Jason Garrett being a Princeton nancy boy, his brother John — the tight ends coach — has a haircut straight out of The Great Gatsby. How does one maintain such a fine wave in one’s imperial Aryan hair, Master Garrett?

- The only two Cowboys on the roster with Super Bowl rings are Brad Johnson, who was so good he backed up Trent Dilfer in Tampa Bay [Edit: commenter goto11 notes that this is incorrect. We don't particularly regret the error], and a young receiver named Todd Lowber, who was on the Giants’ practice squad last year. Really? They give rings to the practice squad guys? Aw, that’s sweet.

Final verdict: not exactly compelling television, but an interesting look at training camp. Sure as shit better than a preseason game. Perhaps a decent Wednesday night foil to Project Runway. If Suede (this fuckface) doesn’t stop speaking in the third person, I’m going to personally head over to Fashion Avenue to cut his abdomen to ribbons and hang him with his own intestines.

What an absolutely shitty day from top to bottom. One of those days where you think you’re hung over, but no: you are actually bona fide sick. Nothing goes right. People are assholes. It’s hotter than two cats fucking in a wool sock and you worked through lunch.

Well, at least it’s Sexy Friday. Better late than never, I say. Looks like the ‘Skins cheerleaders are in fine form for the Hall of Fame Game:

Welcome back, NFL. You beautiful bitch.

DREW BREES: (hammers nail into newly built house) Phew! That’s five houses re-built in New Orleans this week! If I hurry I can still finish remodeling the orphanage across town before training camp starts tomorrow.

KID: Mister Brees! Can I have an autograph?

BREES: Of course you can, young man.

(takes off shirt, signs shirt, gives it to KID)

Saayyyy… those shoes of yours look awfully ragged. I bet you’d like some new ones!

KID: Would I!!!

BREES: Tell you what, I’d love to go with you to buy some new ones right now, but I’ve got stuff to take care of across town before the UNICEF benefit tonight. Here’s some money.

(hands KID $800)

Buy some for your brothers and sisters, too, okay?

(rubs KID’s head before KID runs off)

BREES: Adorable little scamp.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

BREES: Who said that??

VOICE: DREW BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

BREES: Oh, no. It’s… it’s…






(more…)