Kissing Suzy Kolber » caddyshack references http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com KSK is a humor site dedicated solely to the NFL. Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:23:43 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Your Services Are No Longer Required http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/02/your-services-are-no-longer-required.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/02/your-services-are-no-longer-required.html#comments Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:38:22 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=11703

Now that the season is over it’s time for teams around the league to cut the dead weight from their roster. So far the casualties have been minor, but before long every team out there will be handing out pink slips for a wide variety of reasons. While the act of releasing a player may seem easy to you, it can be quite the terrifying ordeal for your average general manager and/or personnel directors. That’s why we’ve devised this handy letter for front office stooges who want to part ways with a large professional football player who is simply too intimidating to be confronted directly.

Dear [Insert Replaceable Cog's Name],

We regret to inform you that you are being released from your contract with the franchise for the following reason(s)…

[Select Your Reasoning]

A. You have outlived your usefulness, perhaps it’s time you considered a career in broadcasting and/or land working.

B. Your most recent concussion makes us wonder whether you will ever be able to perform at a high level again. Fortunately you are precisely what ESPN is looking for in a television analyst.

C. You simply aren’t living up to the terms of your gargantuan contract extension. Don’t blame yourself, it’s our fault for once believing you could play out the length of the deal. If you feel you can still play at a high level, then by all means sign a one year deal with a bottom-feeder. Your legacy will thank you later.

D. You suck. I know, it caught us by surprise as well! You know, the world needs ditch-diggers too.

E. You were implicated in another strip club assault. Don’t worry, we’ll re-sign you as soon as the heat dies down.

Good luck in all of your future endeavors, and remember to turn in your playbook to your position coach before exiting the facility for the final time.

Sincerely Signed,
[Insert Signature]

You’re welcome.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/02/your-services-are-no-longer-required.html/feed 24 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/11205.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/11205.html#comments Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:10:17 +0000 flubby http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=11205 Well tanks fer nuttchin’. USAToday’s Jeff Zillgitt has a profile of bawdy Steelers kicker Jeff Reed today, complete with this little nugget:

Pictures of Reed with women at a Tampa bar this week surfaced. “I was with my teammates, and we had a good time,” Reed says. “Taking pictures with somebody is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t care if it’s random fans who are guys or hot girls. You just have to be smart.”

No link, no name-check, nothing. Get bent, USA Today. I’m glad Gannett is folding like Superman on laundry day.

 
[ USAToday, how hard is that, jerky? ]

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