The Raiders suck and my fantasy teams were even worse. At this point, all I have is rooting against the Cowboys. Under normal circumstances I couldn’t care less about the fortunes of the Iggles. But with Dallas’ playoff hopes hanging in the balance, Cowboy-haters worldwide are coalescing to throw their support behind Andy Reid’s Butthash Huffing All-Stars.

Sure, I hate the Patriots too. But that is a fairly recent hatred (tuck rule). My Cowboys hatred has been boiling for decades and takes complete precedence. Therefore, as I write this (12:30 p.m. EST) I hereby make this bargain with the cosmos: keep the Cowboys out and I’ll be content to let the Pats-Dolphins-Jets chips fall as they may.

In other action, Baltimore is playing for their playoff future against the Jags. Seahawks-Cardinals hook up in an old-fashioned shitshow for regional viewers. Lastly we have the Irrelevancy Bowl: will the Skins be able to tank for draft position or will Mike Martz’s sabotage attempts give the 49er’s a hard-earned loss?

[ Reminder: SNF live blog for tonight's San Diego-Denver play-in game. It's a holiday miracle. ]

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is scrambling to add a new street drug to the league’s banned substance list. Players, anxious for a powerful high that cannot be detected by current testing procedures, have turned to “jenkem”– also known as “butthash”– a methane based concoction manufactured from fermented human waste.

The issue first came to the commissioner’s attention earlier this season when fans were told they were not “allowed” to flush the toilets in the restrooms at Pittsburgh’s Heinz Field. Sources close to league security have confirmed that the restrooms were in fact sophisticated jenkem laboratories. While the creator of the labs is unknown, addiction experts at Johns Hopkins university have found a correlation between accident related head trauma and the inexplicable urge to get high off your own dookie.

The big break in the league’s inquiry came recently when a prominent, but as yet unnamed, Philadelphia family, was discovered to be the league’s primary distributor of jenkem. Not satisfied with the quality of their own excrement, members of the family were making frequent trips to the west coast and breaking into the restrooms in the Qwest Field locker room. Commented one recovering jenkem addict, “Man, that Holmgren doo-doo will get you high as fuck! That muthafucker must be eatin’ straight up roadkill.”