It seems almost fitting that we run the complete opposite of last week’s kommenter draft. Instead of picking two people you’d like to see together, this week you’ll be selecting a couple that you could pull apart without repercussions. Because couples are fucking annoying, bros are bothersome, and pairs are better left pared…with a paring knife, that is.

Sometimes couples or duos or business partners split up naturally, like Stevie and Tiger up there, but who has time to wait for that? I HATE THESE PEOPLE NOW. Their joining forces is detrimental to my happiness. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LONELY AND MISERABLE LIKE THE REST OF US?!

Select one pair of humans–living, dead, fictional–that you would care to separate for all eternity. Explain why if you need to. Any person can be re-selected, provided he or she is part of another pair. Wait ten picks, and then pick another duo. These people need to be stopped.

I’m taking Batman and Robin for my first pick. Nobody cares about Robin, except for the clearly-gay Robin from the TV show. Meh, you can’t make an omelette something something. Looks like you’re pounding sand, Boy Wonder.

Now you try.

Since the dawn of time, man has sought out to explore his universe, to understand the places and things around him, and to seek his fortunes about the uncharted plains. Man, while sometimes daunted by these pursuits, persevered, and found himself richer for the experiences of his quest, whether or not that quest itself proved fruitful. And the neverending, ever-changing odyssey of man facing the veritable unknown was undertaken over thousands of years…for one reason.

To get laid. 

Yes, while man’s pursuits have become vast and diverse, his motivation remains singular. Over the millenia, this endeavor became more efficient, ritualized, and somehow involving more paperwork. Gradually there became less paperwork, but then sometimes even more paperwork materialized down the line. Paperwork is unpleasant. But paperwork gets men laid. 

Consider the Wright Brothers, among the greatest explorers of our last century. They sought to conquer the air above us, something no man had ever achieved. They would have told you that their aim was to achieve flight, to obtain a purchasing contract from the government, and to revolutionize the way we travel for decades to come. But they would be lying. For the Wright Brothers sought only to fly to faraway lands, and subsequently fuck every nimble-bodied woman they could find. 

Note the historic words of Neil Armstrong, the first human to walk on Earth’s moon. “One small step for man,” he uttered, “One giant leap for mankind.” Armstrong’s address to the fairer sex was omitted from all the records of the day, but archived audio reveals that the Ohioan was also clearing declaring, “One huge cock for every woman on Earth.”

Man today not only carries a penis, he carries a heavy burden to live up to the conquests of his forefathers. For as the skies and the seas seem familiar to us today, one voyage remains continuous. So go, head forth as your ancestors did before you. Plunge into the depths of your soul and rise with the strength of a thousand donkeys and set forth. 

And get laid.

Here are some photos of women that cheer for NFL teams, or did at some point. Halloween’s coming up, so decide what you’re gonna be. I have my heart set on being Larry Flynt; I won’t have to walk anywhere.