Jimmy Johnson shouldn’t have to speak to lowly bloggers. He is, after all, the only man to coach a team to a Super Bowl victory and an NCAA championship. (Some people claim that Barry Switzer also achieved the feat, but in truth the Super Bowl XXX-winning Cowboys were Johnson’s team operating on auto-pilot). Yes, two Super Bowl rings, a gig as the non-jackass on Fox’s NFL studio show, and a spot as a contestant on this fall’s “Survivor” should place Johnson above meeting with someone who once created a Photoshop of him getting raped by a robot.

Alas, Jimmy Johnson is promoting the Jimmy Bowl, a Crown Royal-sponsored contest in which fans can submit videos in order to win a trip to Dallas and get coached by Johnson in a flag-football game at Cowboys Stadium. (Second place is stabbed in the throat with scissors by Michael Irvin.) So that’s how I — a full-time blogger and wholly inept interviewer — ended up at the Empire State Building last week, quickly scrapping my list of ExtenZe-related boner questions when I realized there would be two women in the room for the duration of the meeting.

The following transcript is edited for length and clarity.

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I guess the first question has to be, “How long have you been a box of Kleenex?”

All of my existence, I suppose. Being a box of Kleenex is all I’ve ever known. While some people might shy away from the occasional burst of snot, tears, or semen, those things bring out the best in what we do. It’s what we live for. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Sounds like you take a lot of pride in your work.

We understand that we’re part of a rich tradition that dates back to the original cellucotton days of the 1920s. If one of us isn’t soft enough or absorbant enough, or even doesn’t come out of the box properly, it reflects poorly on all of us.

There are lots of tissue brands out there today. If I were to play a little devil’s advocate with you, and ask, “What makes Kleenex so special?” What would you say?

The disposable hankerchief market has been saturated with imitators for some time, so that’s something to which we’ve grown accustomed. Even the Oxford dictionary refers to “kleenex” as any sort of facial tissue, regardless of brand. But we’re confident that people realize that the only place they can find a quality tissue is in a Kleenex brand box.

Take us through the life of a box of Kleenex.

Once we leave the plant in Canada, each of us realizes that there will be some downtime in the retail sector before we see any action. Comes with the territory, it’s really inevitable. Then one by one, we leave the market and wind up on some office desk or family living room until–

Until you get all used up.

And then our cardboard remains get tossed to the curb.

That’s pretty shitty, dude.

It’s just the nature of our craft. That’s why we receive such extensive training. I know it sounds like a disagreeable existance, Punter, but it’s a natural cycle of life. Some of us live on as pencil holders, hamster toys, or some other bullshit craft project, but I don’t consider them the lucky ones.

What do you mean? Wouldn’t it be better to live on in some way?

I guess what I’m saying is that it wouldn’t be living for me. Most people don’t know how long they have. I know that I have exactly 150 strands of three-ply goodness to make a difference while I’m here. And if I can’t do it by then, I want to go. Just go. I don’t want to be an empty shell sitting on somebody’s desk.

Last question. One of your colleagues recently had the chance to meet legendary quarterback Brett Favre. Are you upset that it wasn’t you?

Nah, that guy’s a little bitch.

Box of Kleenex, thanks for taking time out of your day to talk to us.

My pleasure. Have a nice day.

Information from Wikipedia was used in this…whatever this was.