This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Sweet mother of baby Jesus, praise Xenu it’s midnight. It is now Thursday. That means that before this day is over, we’ll all have suckled at the delicious teat of Roger Goodell’s bosom, as America’s Team 2.0 visits the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Mickelsons Colts.

To commemorate the experience, I searched all of Google Images and Flickr for the single hottest picture of Colts cheerleaders I could find. Here it is:

Naw, I’m playin’. But seriously, Indy: y’all got some busted-ass cheerleaders. I understand the “Colt” theme and all, but hiring horse-faced cheerleaders is taking it a bit too far. Let’s try this:

That’s better. Plus it fits with our support-the-troops Fisher House theme this week. Even if these slobs are slummin’ it up by getting fat in the Army, they’re still bravely serving our country.

So, what are you gonna do until the game starts? You sure as shit ain’t thinkin’ about work. May as well click that browser “refresh” button, because — much like Sunday Night Is Football Night — Opening Day Is Bukkake Day.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

NOTE: This is a special name breakdown from the great stw at Name Of the Year. Enjoy!

Happy birthday, boys! Your names suck! None of you has it “going both ways,” as we like to say at NOTY. Though we’re sure all of you go just one way: the way favored, by our count, by two NFL of the 20,482 players in NFL history (through 2005; unlike you, we do actual research), three if you count Jeff Garcia. Those are some tough hombres, eh? Did you know we recently elected a former New York Giant to the Hall of Name? Our man Moses Regular didn’t have much game, but he has killer name. You pantywaists have nothing. Though we do love it when you post for us.

First Round
Unsilent Majority v. Christmas Ape: Great. A fucking Nixon reference. Just what we want to see at the bottom of another post about the Wizards. Oh, wait. Wrong blog. And Christmas Ape. From “The Simpsons”? No way! Because we enjoy that television program as well!
Winner: Unsilent Majority

Captain Caveman v. Big Daddy Drew: Another cartoon! Your command of popular culture never ceases to amaze! We’d like to think Drew was tapping into the nicknames of some of America’s greatest sportsmen. Or perhaps paying homage to Africa’s greatest dictator. But we’re guessing Drew just really likes that dumbass Adam Sandler movie and/or—wait for it—“The Simpsons.”
Winner: Big Daddy Drew

Flubby v. Monday Morning Punter: Which of the Urban Dictionary definitions is it? Our money is on wishful thinking for No. 3. “Monday morning whatever” entered the realm of lame when you guys were jerking off to Saturday-morning cartoons (and we don’t mean last week). It also reminds us of Easterbrook. Which of course we’re guessing it’s supposed to. So clever! But the surname saves it. Kickers rock.
Winner: Monday Morning Punter

Second Round
Unsilent Majority over Big Daddy Drew: Because we’re actually kind of amazed that any of you has a point of reference before 1991.

Monday Morning Punter over Bye: It’s our fucking bracket.

Finals
Unsilent Majority v. Monday Morning Punter: We’ll let the commenters decide.

Oh, God.

Oh, man.

Where am I?

Is this a party? Where’s the beer? No wait, hold up. I just need some water. I’m really dehydrated. Is there water here? Is that a cake?

That’s a nice cake. Man, I wanna stick my dick right in that cake. That would be a good cakeyfuck.

Pot is fucking great.

Is there any yogurt in here? Yogurt is fucking nice. Why is my arm bleeding? Fucking Mr. Home Depot don’t fix nothing right. Mustachioed asshole.

I think I need to just lay down and shit.

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Ummm… thanks?

While I would like to spend most of the day sucking myself off ESPN-style, repeated attempts during the course of my adolescence proved this to be an impossibility. I prefer self-flagellation to self-congratulation, and so I asked a handful of FOKSK’s (Friends of KSK. I just made that acronym up.) to send us messages of pure, raw scorn. Here now are their efforts.

Dan Steinberg:
You all make me feel dirty. But more than that, you make me feel ritually unclean. When I wander by your site, however briefly, you make me feel like I have just bathed in the collective sweat wringed out of the collective undergarments of the collective members of some Arena League 2 franchise from Arkansas or Mississippi or one of those tropical places. You make me wonder how we, as sports fans and Americans, have lost our way, and why our being lost necessitates so many filthy jokes and images of woebegotten young lasses. You make me yearn for the days when sports brought us joy and mirth, the days of serious, grown professionals like Jim Murray and Howard Cosell and Stuart Scott.

In conclusion, you all make me hate myself and all that I stand for. More than usual, even.

The preceding is dedicated to that Jew Unsilent Majority.

JE Skeets:

Awful Announcing:

DJ Gallo:
“Dear KSK -

Congratulations on your first birthday. You look so hot. I meant to give
you one birthday candle, but all I have is this one rock hard cock that
I’m pressing up against you. Enjoy!

-Joe Namath”

Will Leitch:
I formally congratulate Kissing Suzy Kolber on its year birthday; I
would have never made it through last year’s NFL season had it not been
for you. To celebrate, I think you should undergo an unnecessary
redesign that infuriates your site’s most fervent supporters. The sky is
the limit.

Nation of Islam Sports Blog:
Sirs,

It has come to our attention that your “blog” is currently in the midst of celebrating the one year anniversary commemorating your initial bowel evacuation on the blogosphere.

Can this be?

How can an assembly of untalented, insightless, poorly written, less than unfunny, obscenely offensive to the open eye, insensitive and routinely plagiaristic “men” possibly carve out a larger than “sad lonely fuck who habitually beats off to porn in his mom’s basement and keeps a blog/diary that is read by two readers a day, both readers being said sad lonely fuck” presence on the net? How?

How can a group of “men” who engage in overtly homoerotic verbal heavy petting and linguistic gay orgies with each other leave a significant footprint in the world of SPORTS blogging? How can it not be that your “blog” posts about the hottness of Orlando Bloom or the machismo of Enrique Iglesias? How can it be that your “blog” is not an homage to the male delictability of Matthew McConaugay? Or a tribute to the musical styling of Mika? How?

Like the meaning of life, these are questions that can have no answers. And more pointedly, might have answers that induce vomiting.

So, on this occasion of auspicious consequence, we wish you hearty congratulations. And we pass you some toilet napkins so you might cleanse your expository opening to continue to treat the blogosphere like my Big Momma Rasheeda treats her Depends.

With Allah’s Blessings,

NOIS

And here are cheerful rips from SlickBomb and Dave’s Football Blog. Thanks to all the roasters and extra special thanks to 289 for the planet KSK design. Let us have it in the comments.

One of the things that’s great about bukkake is that it follows my laws of stickiness. A sticky idea is one that sticks to anyone who comes into contact with it. And nothing’s stickier than a boatload of cum.

In many ways, it’s just like the recent outbreak of herpes in the greater Atlanta area. Bukkake is a popular social activity in many Atlanta neighborhoods. Which means that the herpes itself becomes sticky. This is an incredibly radical idea when you think about it, largely because it is my idea.

I asked 500 of my closest gay friends to come up with a number between one and 10. 75% of them chose 5. What does this mean? It means more people are getting abortions than ever before, but not for the reasons we might assume.

Again, it all goes back to the bukkake.

Congratulations, Gay Mafia. I got you this basket of Paul Mitchell styling products. It helps me always look like an 8th grader from 1972 in a constant state of surprise. Happy birthday, KSK. You’re okay, but Bill Simmons is better because he’s the only sportswriter I’ve ever read.

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends, fans, and colleagues.

Thanks J-Bug!

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous animal friends.

Thanks Jean!